Too soon??

[Messymessmess]

H and I separated in November, and we are still in the same house. He is being very generous and is continuing to pay for everything and is looking to buy himself a house near by. It is also pretty amicable.

Our relationship has been over for a while and we have not had any intimacy for 4 years, so I suppose in my head I have moved on even though the separation is recent.

Anyway, I have been on Match and been liasing by text with a lovely guy. We met last week and had such a lovely time and I am going to dinner with him at some point soon.

But, is it too soon?? I feel awful moving on so quickly, and I don't want to upset H but at the same time, we are separated.

Thoughts? Please be gentle with me. I am not a cow. Just looking for something that has been missing for so long.

Mess you didn't say all of that initially about going to Relate and trying. You said you didn't know why it hadn't worked and you didn't want to think about why. Which seemed shallow and dismissive and a bit like an ostrich.

I still think you are too infatuated with this new man to see the situation clearly. After 4 years of no sex, and a DH not giving you the attention you wanted, then anyone who shows you some is going to seem like a knight in shining armour.

I can understand WHY you wanted to test the water of whether there were guys out there who liked you and who you liked, and that's why you joined Match, but being honest any decent guy would ask you to wait until you had physically moved out of your marital home before getting into a new relationship- or at least had some time apart to stand on your own 2 feet.

It's one thing being separated 'in your head' but the reality won't hit you until your home is sold and you are on your own as a single mum.

I'm sorry- I think it's really callous of you to start seeing men when you are still living under the same roof as your DH and the separation has only be 8 blinking weeks.

Ask your husband if he is upset about you going out with another man because he wants to have you back.

Is there really any way back after 4 years with no
Sex?

I dont think the 8 weeks is the problem. Nothing wiring with that as let's face it the marriage was over years ago really!

I think it's the living in the house still that's the issue.

As for the answer to the money point I mentioned, I don't doubt you do a great job as a SAHM but you are not a couple anymore and when he moves out he won't have to support the whole house financially so I could see why paying for everything and seeing you going out for meals with another bloke might piss him of a bit.

If he says that isn't the reason then he has to say why and then that can be resolved.

I'm married and we ask each other to babysit. We know it means be solely responsible for our kids' childcare while the other parent is unavailable.

Don't need to get pedantic about it. It's a soon to be husband chatting to his wife - I'm sure she knows what he means.

I wouldn't be happy in his place either. It does feel like she's taking the piss. Yes, she's doing nothing wrong and just putting her own needs first. But that in itself hurts, as it must remind him they're no longer a team and she'll always put her needs before his from now on. I think he needs I get use to the idea and he will come around in a week or two, if she doesn't push it.

If you are really 'separated' in a legal sense then you ought to be contributing financially, and not simply sleeping in another bedroom.

There are separations and separations. From what you have said, it appears that all you have done is agree to get divorced. But there is a long way to go before that happens and I don't see why one of you doesn't move out immediately. If he can afford to buy another house and still pay for the one you are in then presumably he can afford to rent a flat meanwhile?

And why is he moving out and leaving you the house? Why is it not being sold so that the assets can be divided?

You seem keen to get your single life sorted re, dating but not the financial responsibilities you will have to share now.

sorry- but you did ask!

Toffee - OP has already indicated she thinks that is the case

Go for it. We have needs. Fulfill them.

It was ex's decision not to sell the house, as he wants stability for the children, rather than buying 2 new houses which they would have to get used to.

He doesn't want to rent because he sees it as a waste of money especially as he is away so much. Also, it would mean uprooting the children from rental to a new house.

I totally understand the financial responsibilities. I am desperately trying to find a job.

And no, there is no way back after all this time. Ex does not want that either.

Fair enough then on the finances.

But have you taken on board anything that some of us have said about it being too soon and needing to 'grieve' ( a word a counsellor used to me when discussing marriage break up) before embarking on anything new?

If this guy has really sent you 50 texts in a day he sounds loopy tbh. That would scare me witless. I think you've lost perspective because it's all so new and exciting.

I have taken on board the fact that it is disrespectful to be dating whilst under the same roof. I get that. I really do.

However, I still feel I am ready to move on. I am 43, and know my own mind. I do not need to grieve for anything. I am an independent minded woman. I know what grieving is and I did that when my Mum died 3 years ago. In fact her dying made me sit up and realise that life is too short to be unhappy.

I really so appreciate all the comments. Thank you.

I wouldn't say its disrespectful as such but as soon as I read your first post I knew there would be trouble. Amicable splits are a rarity there has to be fall out in a separation as there are losses to be suffered somewhere along the way. You would have done well not to discuss this with STBX as no matter what he says about being resigned to the split, watching/knowing about you dating is a whole other ball game. Yes in the ideal world all this honesty and 'grown up' response to the split is the gold standard but in real life there are emotions to be dealt with.

My ex also refused to see his children because he was obsessed with the idea that I would be out having a life. I wasn't requesting 'babysitting' this was in fact his contact time after we moved to separate houses. It drove him nuts to think that whilst his children were with him I might be out doing goodness knows what and I was absolutely silent about my movements as I just knew from being married to him he couldn't cope with not being in control. I would never even tell the children my weekend plans just told them I would be home. He would bombard me with pointless inane texts, did you pack toothpaste? there's not enough socks, can you pick up eye drops. He must have known modern technology meant I could be answering those texts from anywhere but it was just to stay connected. He would regularly cancel contact 10 mins before pick up time on a Friday eve. Another tactic was saying they needed to come back at 8am the next morning as he had somewhere to go but he could pick them back up at 8 that night. It was unbelievable. You just need to realise that this whole working it out together apart thing is highly unlikely to work unless both of you are way beyond your relationship and probably on date partner no 4. You have a long way to go before he's going to be OK with it all. In most splits it is often the case that one is more ready than the other to deal with it. You clearly feel it was done and dusted a long time ago, he is not quite on that page. I would keep it civil keep it polite but stop giving detail, he's not up for that yet. Try and go out once a week with some friends so he doesn't feel you only go out when you have a potential partner on the scene, it he gets used to being with his kids when you are out at a range of activities then maybe he wont be sitting there fantasising about you laughing and enjoying yourself in some other mans company and driving himself nuts. You just need to get separate houses asap if you can.

That's a very helpful post Middle

Messy You asked whether it was 'too soon'. There are 2 elements to this: is it too soon to be falling in love/infatuated with a man 8 weeks into a separation ( when you are not really separated, it's just a decision that's been made ) and should you be dating openly whilst still living with your DH.

You clearly had doubts otherwise you'd not have asked the question, yet now you are becoming all flouncy talking about being 43, independent and ready to move on. You can't compare the death of a parent with splitting from a husband and doing so shows your lack of understanding the differences.

It's got nothing to do with age, has it, and with respect you are not independent- you are a SAHM totally dependent on your DH at the moment. He sounds generous to a fault- allowing you to keep the home. (the shit may well hit the fan when he has a new partner and she is not happy for his assets to be tied up with an ex.)

If you can't appreciate that grief over the end of a relationship is common and maybe even a necessary stage of moving on then I am worried for you. Even people who have left terrible marriages feel a sense of loss- and yours doesn't sound terrible at all- it sounds more like boredom that creeps into lots of marriages, and the hope that the grass is greener with someone else scenario.

I think the reason you cannot understand the need to have time alone and reflect ( if you don't want to use the word 'grieve') is that you have not yet reached that place- you are still living with your DH and nothing has changed except you've decided to split and now put yourself on Match.

You've clearly now decided that it's NOT too soon and are happy to dive into dating. I think you are making a mistake and the overly-keen man is worrying too. But- it's your life, so what can anyone say?

Great post from jaffa, I agree completely.

I think maybe you were hoping for lots of 'You go, girl!' type answers?

Well I'm in the you go girl camp and not the only one.

But you nearly are the only one, Jan

It's the OP's life and she's entitled to live it as she sees best. But she did ask for opinions, and that's what she's getting.

She's not doing anything wrong. There is no cheating going on here, and I totally agree with everyone saying that her STBXH using the term "babysitting" is unacceptable. A bit of fun by having a flirt and dinner with someone would lift most people's spirits and despite living in the same house still as her STBXH and being dependent on his funding, she does not owe him the right to approve her friendships or recreational activities.

Despite all that, I still think it's a bad idea.

The world is full of people in less-than-ideal relationships because they met their OH at a time when they hadn't fully processed the end of their last one but thought "it's just dinner and won't lead to anything."

There's nothing morally wrong in dating in these circumstances, of course there isn't. But these particular circumstances leave the OP at the mercy of her STBXH's goodwill and with the preoccupation of establishing separate finances/child contact arrangements etc her head is unlikely to be in the best place for spotting red flags in any dinner dates.

NotNewBut: nope, not quite, I doubt the OP will ruin what looks to be a nice start to a good relationship for folk on here condemning her for moving on with her life.

She separated from her husband in November by mutual agreement so why she is being slated on here for going on ONE date with a man is beyond me.

She's not being slated!

I agree Dahlen

I don't want to take over this thread by posting too much, so my last thought is that I'd say the term' soon to be ex husband' is a bit premature.

Under these circumstances then the divorce won't be legal for 2 years- after separation- minimum. People's ideas of how the assets are shared can change in that time, no matter how generous they seem at first, because their circumstances can change.

He's talking of not moving out for maybe 6 months because the house he wants is not available till then. Lots can happen in that time if a couple is living under the same roof.

The moving the children into rented accommodation then back into a new house doesn't make sense to me, because I'd have thought the best option was for him to move out and rent. The idea that it's wasting money seems trivial compared to the cost of the divorce presumably you will instruct solicitors OP and not just sort it out yourselves?

If you can afford to buy 2 homes on 1 salary then I'd have thought 6 months' rent in the meantime was worth paying, just to establish the boundaries and give each other space as separated people?

OP, I met my current partner immediately after splitting from my previous and that was a 13 year relationship, I've been with my current coming up 12 years, if you are ready, you are ready, and nobody can tell you otherwise.

You feel a bit guilty for moving on so quick, at least you told your soon to be ex, you didn't have to, it's been one date so I just don't get all this analysing either OP.

so 2 wrongs make a right
or 1 exception proves the rule?

I think his keenness to continue to fund your current home may sadly disappear when he thinks you may replace him quickly with another man. This may not be rational, and he may not have a right to say who you can be friends with or have personal relationships with, but it's doubtful, if he wanted to stay together, whether this will work out amicable if he feels pushed out by someone else (which isn't quite the situation but may be how he sees it).

I think him renting elsewhere or going to his parents and coming back on weekends is a good idea.

No wonder he's angry you sound a bit peeved that he's not happy to sit in while you skip about going on dinner dates. Of course you would be happy to do the same for him, because you have been pushing for the split and have clearly moved on emotionally, he hasn't.

This will end in tears I think, perhaps best to put formal separation plans especially homes in place.

It all comes down how keen the OP is to maintain the current amicable arrangement of him being very generous and is continuing to pay for everything while they live together.

If the OP decides to move on quickly, and he responds by being unreasonable and difficult that would be bad of him, although not that surprising.

It's a matter of priorities.