Aftermath of affair - is this still hysterical bonding?

[AnonyMuse]

Background: I am 42, DH is 44, we have been married for 15 years having known each other for over 20, and have one DD, 11. Both DH and I work full time, long hours in high pressure jobs and for many years life has been a real grind, struggling to meet the demands of our jobs, running the home, looking after DD, our families (large and with some "difficult" members on both sides) etc. We are both quite controlling people and have over the years become increasingly snipy with each other. Our sex life had dwindled to virtually nothing: he was still keen but I felt no desire (for him or indeed anyone else). Whenever we DTD my body hardly responded and I came to view sex as a chore.

Shortly before Christmas I chanced upon an email (which he had not yet read) which made it clear he had had a brief affair which he had just ended. The OW (26) was trying to persuade him to reconsider. I confronted him with it and he admitted all. I do not believe he has attempted to minimise or (once found out) to lie - he has answered all my questions and I have seen all the emails between them. He is full of remorse and wracked with guilt. He said he was lonely and unhappy, but totally accepts that he behaved despicably and hasn't suggested that any blame lies with me. I believe him when he says that this is the first time he has been unfaithful apart from a drunken snog at a party years ago (which I have only found out about just now).

I think that the affair was a stupid lapse on his part and that it is not a good enough reason to end our marriage. I have therefore decided to forgive him and carry on but he is under no illusions that he will get a second chance. Thinking about it all is still incredibly painful, but I expect that will recede as time passes.

We have spent a lot of time discussing our emotions and strangely I feel closer to him than I have for years.

What has been totally unexpected is that I seem to have rediscovered my mojo and sex is as exciting and as good as in the early days of our relationship. I have told him that he is not to read too much into my newfound horniness and that it's probably just hysterical bonding. I don't know whether this is simply a side-effect of all the emotional fallout or whether its something I can hope will continue. Has anyone else experienced this? It seems totally extraordinary that an affair can have had the result of bringing us so much closer emotionally and physically. Can someone please explain??

Well he didn't confess to you, did he, OP? You don't know that you have all the information as the other indiscretion wasn't disclosed either until now. Do you know if he used protection at least? You need to protect yourself.

So sorry. It does sound like a mix of hysterical bonding and 'pick me' but you know your husband best.

I agree. Hysterical bonding and the pick me dance. Visit Chump lady and read her posts on it. Sorry.

No, LyingWitch, he didn't confess to me. And I know that if had I not found the email he would not have confessed. He totally expected that I would chuck him out if I discovered.

He has admitted he didn't use protection every time with OW. He has volunteered to get tested.

I think there might be a little "pick me" in the mix - very perceptive. I do have a competitive streak. I don't think its a big element but can't really tell as I feel in such an emotional muddle.

What I don't like about this website is the way people imply that you should be concerned that you don't know everything like the first response... 'you don't know that you have all the information'. You know your husband, and if you want to forgive him then go for it although I guarantee loads of people will tell you you shouldn't and that he still must be lying etc etc.

Anyway, my husband hasn't cheated on me (although other people may speculate he has and that he likely hasn't 'told me the truth'), but when I found out something similar had happened, the same happened with us, and months later it is still the same. To be honest at the time, I think it was because I was feeling so insecure but in a way it gave us a bit of a wake up call about our dwindling sex life and things are better than ever.

If you've made the decision to stay with him and you've forgiven him then just enjoy it for however long it lasts.

Thanks Louise. That's encouraging. And I do think I know all that I need to and that, having been found out, he is being honest. He answered most of my questions before I asked to look at their email correspondence and there was nothing which didn't match up.

I've had a brief look at the Chumplady stuff and don't recognise us in it. It just doesn't resonate.

Funnily enough I'm not feeling insecure. Angry, hurt and betrayed, yes, but not insecure.

We'll my eh did have a full blown affair and I did end our marriage, however it was harder to do because the fact that he'd cheated and thus "someone else wanted him" made me suddenly see him for the attractive man I'd forgotten he was over 18 yrs and four dc.

It may just be that but either way if you feel confident and happy then that is only a good thing for both of you and your marriage.

Good luck, I hope it works out brilliantly.

Yes there's probably a bit of that in there too, Ledkr. And thanks for your kind wishes. Not sure happy descibes how I feel at the moment, but certainly more alive (to both good and bad emotions) than for years.

Yes I remember that feeling too.

It's easy to forget the person you are with for so long and just see each other as Mum and Dad.

There are some good posters on mn who have been in your shoes, hopefully they may come along.

I think you are very brave trying to make it work, I took the easy option I think.

Ladkr: I guess it must be much harder to take the decision to try to carry on where the affair has been "full blown" than relatively brief. DH's affair lasted a couple of months and they only met up a handful of times. It probably helps that the emails I saw between them showed that he struggled with the guilt throughout. I don't feel like I'm being brave, but I don't think I've made the decision because of fear of being alone either.

Hi Anonymuse. Sorry to hear about your husband's affair. I am also in a very similar situation - uncannily so, in fact. I was told of DH's affair last October and we are trying to reconcile. He has been honest (feels wrong saying that) and open, and very remorseful. Like you, the emotion has been running high, and our sex life has taken a definite turn for the better; as have our discussions about emotions, etc...though we have always got on well for the 21 years we've been together...so it was a huge shock to discover. As you said, there is a feeling of being 'more alive'; in a terrible way, but also in an amazing way. I worry that he is almost being 'rewarded' for his crap behaviour..it is for sure, so confusing, and counter-intuitive.
Just wanted to say, you're not alone.

Hi Foxy. Its reassuring to know that my surprising feelings/reactions are not completely unique and freaky. I have worried about "rewarding bad behaviour" too. I hope things work out well for you.

Thanks Anon...hope it works out well for you too. I think as Ledkr has said, after years of seeing each other in the role of parent, we do sometimes stop 'seeing' each other. The aftermath of the affair, and the behaviour that has ensued since, has certainly surprised me.

Be prepared for the crash that will follow as the reality of his betrayal hits you.

Also get tested for STDs ASAP.

I was going to say the same as Miss.

I went through hysterical bonding too, but a couple of weeks later crashed right down and our sex life got worse than it had been before I found out. We had not had sex for almost 9 months (since I had got pg with our planned DD) because he was having the affair and didnt want me. But this time it was me rejecting him. We did recover eventually but things have never been the same since, although strangely sex is better for me now because I am far more selfish than I was before. Before I saw it as a mutual act and often gave more than I received because I wanted to please him, not in a martyrish stepford wife way, but because seeing him turned on because of me turned me on. Now I expect that from him. Weird really. The dynamic in our whole relationship has changed too, whereas before I thought we were equal (except of course we werent I just didnt know it), now I am the one who is more in control. He works so much harder than he did because he knows that I could, and would, end the marriage if I felt he was taking me for granted again. I have a friend who found this after her H's affair and she didnt like that he was creeping around in fear of the Sword of Damocles hanging over him. They split up.

It is a long road but it can be done. Just dont expect too much of yourself at this stage. I flip flopped between emotions on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, so what you feel now about wanting to make it work may be different in a couple of weeks when the adrenalin and hysterical bonding has worn off.

Take care xxx

Miss and Bogey: the reality of his betrayal has already hit me and indeed poleaxes me repeatedly every day. I haven't made much of it in my post because I don't want to have to deal with an MN chorus of LTB: I don't want to find myself having to defend him (I've seen how it goes on here). However I do feel like there is a chasm in my chest, an almost physical pain. Nevertheless I do believe DH loves me and I don't think he'll do it again. And I love him - so I want to try to make a go of it, both for our own sakes and for our DD.

I keep thinking of new questions I want answers to. Last night's revelations ranged from the trivial but surprisingly painful (he used my best wrapping paper to wrap OW's birthday present) to the gut-wrenchingly sickening (she gave him a BJ in our car).

I know from their emails that he had also written letters. He told me that they were handwritten so he didn't have copies to show me. I asked last night whether she had ever written to him. She had, once, and I asked to see the letter. Oh my God, the pain of reading it. If viewed dispassionately her letter, written as they were breaking up, was incredibly romantic, heartfelt and sexy. It showed that their relationship had been much more intense than I had appreciated. So there is somewhat more to deal with than I had previously realised. And despite the fact that by the time OW wrote the letter DH had made it clear that their affair had to end then, she was still talking of the "adventures" she hoped they still had to come.

I keep resisting the temptation to contact the OW. I sent her one brief email, from DH's account but in my own name, the night I found out. I said I had discovered, that I had told DH that if he wanted to remain married he was not to see or communicate with her. I told her that I wanted DD to be able to attend the annual week long sporting event in the summer at which OW and DH had met this year (I never go to this event) and asked her to confirm to DH that she would not be going to it again and then leave him alone. She has confirmed this, but it sounds as though quite reluctantly "as it is the one week of the year that she spends with her parents, siblings and their children" (she is single and has no children). She really has no idea what she has done and I'm itching to tell her. I keep telling myself to retain my dignity and that it doesn't matter to me what she thinks. But maybe I would feel better if I did?

I'm so sorry, AnonyMuse, I can hear the pain in your post. I know it seems like 'LTB' is the stock phrase here but really, nobody knows your relationship and you should never feel pressurised to do anything you don't want to do - or even explain yourself.

I personally don't think that I would open myself up to more pain by telling this woman how you're feeling. It sounds, from what you've posted, that she was in love with your husband and so she'll be focused on that, that she's 'lost him'. Even if she is a cognisant person who feels compassion for other people, she will not understand your pain right now.

I would write it in a letter to her and give it to your husband to read. He needs to know your pain and how it translates to this woman's part in what she participated in with him.

Forget about moral high ground and all of the other platitudes. You have made your decision and it sounds as if it's the right one. You just need the support to back it up and for that, MN is quite good.

The MN standard is that the OW owes you nothing as it was your DH that broke his vows. I have always disagreed with this, as a society we agree that adultery is wrong and if the affair partner is not culpable then why can we name them in a divorce?

She knew what she was doing was wrong, and she chose to do it anyway. If you think it might make you feel better then go ahead and contact her, but you need to be sure that you can handle anything you find out. So far you have only got what he told you, she may well have further things to tell you that he has kept quiet about. You may find out that the reasons he gave her for having an affair are vastly different to what he told you, he is unlikely to have told her the truth that he fancied a bit on the side and she was willing. It might make you feel better, but there is a reasonable chance that it could make you feel worse.

I did contact the OW but not to enter a dialogue, simply to tell her that a) I knew b) she was welcome to him (he didnt want her!) and c) that I would be telling her husband within the week then I blocked her (contacted via FB, I didnt want her knowing my email etc).

There are lots of things about the OW that I am struggling to deal with. She is 16 years younger than me, for a start, and hasn't had a child. It hurts that DH must be finding it hard not to compare our bodies. And she's very pretty (I have met her once, before the affair got going).

She sent him a card for his birthday "You're as young as the woman you feel - lucky you!" . Salt in the wound.

She also emailed him a photo of herself as a baby (subtext: look what beautiful babies we'd make??). Though luckily no naked ones of her now.

But the absolute worst is the fact that she tried so hard to stop him ending the affair. I have told DH that she is absolutely not the nice sweet girl he thought she was - and as indeed I confess she seemed to me the time I met her. (I am talking to him unreservedly about the pain I am suffering and my feelings about OW.) I have asked him to think how he'd feel if his 26 year old cousin (or indeed our DD when she reaches that age) was shagging a MM, and I think that was a salutory thought for him,.

Bogey: thanks very much for your insight. OW may have other things to tell me that I have not thought to ask DH or he has not volunteered and those may be painful. But in a way I'd rather bring on all the pain now and then try to put it behind me. Actually I don't think the reasons for having an affair will be one of them. I think he told her he was lonely and unhappy in an almost sexless marriage and I think that was true (for me as much as him), not that that excuses his behaviour.

I'm sorry this happened to you. The strange behaviors post-discovery are complex and nothing to feel guilty or certain about. In my experience, the important thing is to address how and why the affair happened in the first place, individual vulnerability first and foremost but also what they dynamic is like between the two. If the very basics of personality and relationship aren't acknowledged and addressed, then this period is jeu a sticking plaster that eventually falls off and there's even more pain than before. Good luck.

Our sex life had dwindled to virtually nothing: he was still keen but I felt no desire (for him or indeed anyone else). Whenever we DTD my body hardly responded and I came to view sex as a chore.

I know I'm going to be criticised and one isn't supposed to say this kind of thing, but what did you expect?

Your husband had already ended the affair and no, he didn't tell you (possibly so as not to hurt you). He had a younger, pretty woman begging him to take her back and he said no.

You have rediscovered your sexual desire, either from competitiveness or jealousy or whatever. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.

Thanks Tessa. I am hoping to deal with this without discussing it with anyone IRL other than DH. If we manage to save our marriage then I would prefer that nobody ever knew about the affair. So it is good to have the wisdom of MN to help me through.

Yup, Distance, point taken, though maybe you didn't make it quite as diplomatically as you could have. And it does go a long way towards my understanding of why the affair happened. In my defence I'd say my former lack of sex drive is probably a result of exhaustion and the pressures of dealing with job, family etc as mentioned in my OP. FWIW I am the main breadwinner, and I do rather more than 50% of running the home, DD etc too.

But a furtive affair wasn't the way for DH to deal with the lack of sex in our marriage. Particularly for someone like DH who has always taken a very high moral tone about such things.

When will men realise that sex starts outside the bedroom?

My ex was like this. Did nothing around the house, I had a longer hours and more stressful job yet I did all the nursery runs, all the housework, most of the laundry and all of the cooking. DD was still waking at night and guess who got up to her?

Yet all he would do is try it on with me and complain, sulk and accuse me of an affair when I turned him down. I tried and tried to explain to him that if I wasnt so exhausted then I would be more likely to want sex, so he would do a bit of hoovering then expect me to put out! I actually laughed my head off when he accused me of an affair and asked him to tell me exactly when he thought I would have the time or the energy! Needless to say, I left him.

FGS Distance If anyone is unhappy in a relationship they have the option to talk to their partner about it. If nothing changes then they have the option to leave. Affairs are for the weak and pathetic. What a spiteful thing to say.

Agony, although I completely understand your urge to keep the affair between you two, and this is pretty common, it is against the wiser advice of many infidelity specialists. This is because people are basic creatures and the fewer consequences there are for a bad action, the more likely it is that they will do it again. Society enshrines a sense of shame for the person who has been cheated ON but that is totally wrong and all shame should belong to the person who cheated. But because of this shame and sense of privacy and embarrassment, it's really likely that the person cheated on will want to hide their 'cuckoldry'.

This is fine but you must look at the tendency for the cheaters to be 'protected' by the person cheated on, and even enabled. The more segregated a life is, compartmentalized, the easier it is to hide and lie and play different roles. If a cheater's family and friends don't know about his or her behavior, the betrayed must shoulder all their paranoia, guilt and fear alone, with only the cheater to comfort them. It is a very vulnerable position to seek comfort form the very person who has and could hurt you.

If he didn't admit it but was discovered, I'm afraid it's very common for this not to be the first and only incident of infidelity. If the only consequence for him is a better sex life, no outside judgement and the knowledge that another pretty woman is still in love with him, he is getting away very very lightly with some very hurtful behavior. I would just be sure that you are really addressing the core of why he had an affair, definitely with a counsellor at least, and that you are satisfied he has resolved that need in himself or else I can't see why he wouldn't just do it again more carefully down the line.