Aftermath of affair - is this still hysterical bonding?

[AnonyMuse]

Background: I am 42, DH is 44, we have been married for 15 years having known each other for over 20, and have one DD, 11. Both DH and I work full time, long hours in high pressure jobs and for many years life has been a real grind, struggling to meet the demands of our jobs, running the home, looking after DD, our families (large and with some "difficult" members on both sides) etc. We are both quite controlling people and have over the years become increasingly snipy with each other. Our sex life had dwindled to virtually nothing: he was still keen but I felt no desire (for him or indeed anyone else). Whenever we DTD my body hardly responded and I came to view sex as a chore.

Shortly before Christmas I chanced upon an email (which he had not yet read) which made it clear he had had a brief affair which he had just ended. The OW (26) was trying to persuade him to reconsider. I confronted him with it and he admitted all. I do not believe he has attempted to minimise or (once found out) to lie - he has answered all my questions and I have seen all the emails between them. He is full of remorse and wracked with guilt. He said he was lonely and unhappy, but totally accepts that he behaved despicably and hasn't suggested that any blame lies with me. I believe him when he says that this is the first time he has been unfaithful apart from a drunken snog at a party years ago (which I have only found out about just now).

I think that the affair was a stupid lapse on his part and that it is not a good enough reason to end our marriage. I have therefore decided to forgive him and carry on but he is under no illusions that he will get a second chance. Thinking about it all is still incredibly painful, but I expect that will recede as time passes.

We have spent a lot of time discussing our emotions and strangely I feel closer to him than I have for years.

What has been totally unexpected is that I seem to have rediscovered my mojo and sex is as exciting and as good as in the early days of our relationship. I have told him that he is not to read too much into my newfound horniness and that it's probably just hysterical bonding. I don't know whether this is simply a side-effect of all the emotional fallout or whether its something I can hope will continue. Has anyone else experienced this? It seems totally extraordinary that an affair can have had the result of bringing us so much closer emotionally and physically. Can someone please explain??

I don't think Distance's post was spiteful at all but agree with your post that people have the option to leave when conversation goes nowhere, Goway.

Dh told me of his affair in June. I was high as a kite for a few months after (and had two mini affairs myself) then did crash and avoided sex with him due to the feelings it brought up for me. I am on anti depressents now, in actual fact I had post natal depression long before all this and had detached completely from the relationship . It's no excuse and he should have seen how low and exhausted I was but I can see what he means when he says he felt he was not good enough, I didn't fancy or respect home etc.

Our situation is complicated by the fact that I can't cope with the children without him here (disabilities) but I also feel it would be the wrong decision of me to end our marriage , I want to try to get past it. Anyway, just wanted you to know there are others in the same boat, I don't think we hear so often in rl of the ones who stayed together as they often do so but don't tell people (as I have done)

Our sex life is getting back on track now and so my crash wasn't permanent (however much it felt like it at the time) I don't think our relationship would have lasted as it was, the counselling we have had separately and together since has made me realise how many things were swept under the carpet (we both have very complicated histories before having met then rushed into everything)

Anonymuse you are very welcome to search for my posts or to Private Message me as there are some similarities in your experience and mine.

My husband had a brief affair many years ago now which he'd ended before I found out. Because she was married too and a long distance away they only met up a couple of times. He hoped to be able to 'stay friends' with the OW by occasional text or E mail but was being very clear with her that the affair itself was over. Like you I saw the messages and she kept asking him to reconsider, occasionally getting angry about it.

The big difference here though was that our marriage had been good including our sex life, so his reasons for having the affair were more to do with mid-life stuff and work failure. It was an ego boost when they were short in supply and when he was taking my own attempts at boosting his morale for granted i.e. it's what a good wife is supposed to do.

We experienced all that you are writing about and likewise, my husband was very open from the start. It made a huge difference to me that he was the one who'd ended the relationship even before I found out, but in saying that neither of us were under any illusions that just being in contact might also have been an insurance policy to start things up again at a later date, as well as a desire not to be too brutal about dumping her and aggravating the risk ( to him and me) of her anger.

I disagree so much with the 'what did you expect?' argument and what I have to tell you is completely at the other end of that scale.

Don't be too quick to assume that if your marriage hadn't been in better shape, this wouldn't still have happened. In fact, neither of you can know with any certainty that at this point in your husband's life, even if things had been brilliant between you, he wouldn't have had an affair.

We both had individual counselling with two fantastic private therapists. We wouldn't have touched Relate with a bargepole and in any case, our issues weren't so much with the relationship before, but in mending the damage the affair did to it. We'd always been quite good at communicating and so along with our individual therapy, were able to mend that damage and create an even stronger relationship post-affair.

One of the biggest issues in the relationship and for my husband as an individual was that he had always been quite selfish and the affair was an extreme symptom of that. I had put up with it because of his other qualities but that had to change.

It did and it did so dramatically. He is now a much better person and my own life is now immeasurably easier for having an equal partner. Like many people I recall that after the honeymoon period and adrenaline had settled down, the 'acceptance' stage was personally very difficult for me. It was a far worse phase than the initial shock and it was at that point I went to therapy myself. In profit and loss terms though, I would gladly take the life and the man I have now for the one I had before and although I would never say anything like the affair was the best thing that ever happened, I can say with all honesty that I prefer us as individuals now and most definitely the relationship we have.

Tessa I can see what you mean about the cheater carrying on as normal if no one knows but in my dhs case he has found this really really tough and actually wanted to tell people at first as a he was worried about me being alone in this (I did tell one close friend) and b he felt he needed to be punished almost, he still finds it hard being around certain family and friends as they don't know he isn't who they think he is, he has failed etc. not disagreeing with what you say at all as it makes total sense but just adding another perspective.

Family scapegoat your post is really interesting to me as I think my dh was very selfish too and immature and this has been a wake up, its like he thought he could sleep with someone else and no one would get hurt but then he couldn't take the guilt of it and confessed (I have to say I have often hated him for this as I feel it would have been kinder to live with the guilt and not tell me)

Anyway its good to know it has worked for you. Through the counselling dh has realised that his issues are his issues and need working on, hard to explain but I think we were both blaming each other for our own self esteem problems which we brought to the relationship. My self esteem has been battered by this but I honestly believe we would not have survived the relationship anyway so if we don't then I will have really tried.

What you said just now about feeling resentful about doing the majority of the housework, childcare and 'thinking tasks' really resonates with me. That was down to my husband's sheer selfishness again and that had to change, as we were both in demanding jobs and like you if anything, mine was more demanding than his. I'd lost my sex drive much earlier in the relationship for those reasons but strangely enough he had stepped up a bit more in the few years prior to his affair, our children had got older and the workload had reduced, so our sex life had actually been better for a long while before his affair and we'd both acknowledged that to eachother.

Be so careful of making the wrong diagnosis. Our therapists were great at this and we were so lucky that they didn't follow the easy route of affair = bad marriage.

I think the reasons why our relationship was so poor before the affair have far more to do with the intense pressures on us both rather than issues of incompatibility. Although I am the main breadwinner with a stressful and intellectually (and sometimes emotionally) demanding job, DH's job is just as, probably more, time-consuming, involving much foreign travel and a US-style all hours culture. He really isn't bad at pulling his weight at home: he deals with DD's homework, does all the cooking, DIY and various other things. But both he and DD are chaotic and forgetful and the only way to cope with 2 such full-on jobs and a family is to be very organised (or disasters ensue on a regular basis). All the thinking, organising (along with much else) falls to me.

Coping with the demands of our jobs, DD, the running of our home, our wider families and trying to have any sort of social life at all leaves us with virtually no room for fun and relaxation.

But on the rare occasions when we do have time eg on holiday, we get on very well and enjoy each other's company. We have been through a great deal together over 20 years and he is still my best friend. So really the question is how we might make more time for "us".

It would be very hard indeed for me to leave my job. I am a part owner of a relatively small business and my departure could well spell the end of it with awful consequences for a considerable number of people. DH is an employee and could resign on 3 months' notice, but he is (unlike me) ambitious and would struggle with a SAH role. He would make a terrible, and unhappy, house husband. In any case DD will be going to boarding school in September and that should ease the daily pressures a little. So I am hoping we can hang on in there until then before making any radical decisions.

Actually one of the many things I have found upsetting is that despite being so short of time, DH managed to find enough to conduct an affair, with endless texts and emails and (doubtless long and lovelorn) letters too.

One upside to all this is that my reaction has shown DH that I am much stronger and more empathetic than he thought. I can understand his viewpoint and motivations and indeed OW's, which has caused him to reevaluate his view that I had become very selfish (probably because I am inclined to resist most of his efforts to squeeze in social activities etc). And I hope he will now listen next time work and family pressures become so overwhelming that I tell him I am struggling to cope - in the past his reaction has rather been that I have to get a grip and get on with it...

I apologise if I wasn't as diplomatic as I might have been. But it sounds like your husband's affair was basically something he did out of sexual despair. Being rejected sexually on a systematic basis is incredibly hard and makes you feel like crap.

In an ideal world, people would be able to talk about their frustrations and problems in a civilised, rational way. From what you say, it sounds like your husband had a sexual indiscretion due to the lack of physical affection at home while still loving you and did not feel anything for this woman (it can happen - loving someone and feeling desire for someone else).

Of course it would have been better if he had communicated better or - perhaps - left the relationship before having sex with someone else. He made a mistake but he was possibly at the end of his tether. It happens. We are human. If that is being weak, then we all are weak, given the right circumstances. I don't think he's stopped loving you.

You say that Chump lady does not reflect your circumstances - I would recommend getting Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

Choosing to have an affair is a very selfish act and often reflects a pattern of selfish entitled behaviour on the cheater's part and as part of the recovery process, he needs to look at himself and make some changes.

Its so true what they say about sex starting outside the bedroom - makes sense when you think about it. If he really wants to improve your sex life, then he will need to explore ways of making home life less chaotic and be a supportive and equal partner/parent.

And remember that if he is in a demanding professional job with lots of travel, surely he is already capable of being organised - so perhaps he could think about why he is not like this at home.

Its so easy for us to let them off the hook and "parent" them so it's a good opportunity for you to step back and hand over some tasks such as organising contact with his own family including visits, cards and presents.

Distance: thanks (and apology gratefully accepted). I think sexual frustration and despair did play a huge part in his motivation and I am sure he would wholeheartedly agree with your comment about systematic sexual rejection. But your are wrong that he didn't feel anything for OW - he did fall in love with her. Though I don't think he ever stopped loving me too and he now says that his feelings for OW have evaporated astonishingly quickly now he is not in contact with her. Not sure I entirely believe that but time will tell, I suppose.

MissS: thanks, I will get that book. And I have made the point to him on many occasions that he cannot possibly be as scatty at work as he is at home or he would long ago have lost his job. However I find it incredibly difficult to let go of some of the thinking/organisation and leave it up to him - because of natures of our respective jobs (mine is close to home and I have few meetings while he has lots and works all over the place) it almost always falls to me to sort out crises caused by organisational balls-ups.

Anony I can identify with some of what you are saying. Prior to my DH's affair our marriage had deteriorated to that of sniping house mates, not because we didn't love each other, or because we were incompatible, but because we didn't know how to communicate and were living lives full of unhappiness and misunderstandings. We were both unhappy, and to be honest the prospect of spending the rest of our lives like that was pretty depressing.

The upshot of what happened was we were forced to sit down and confront our issues, and understand where we had gone wrong. As part of that we separated, but saw each other most days, became very good friends, and I think it would be fair to say that we are as a result emotionally and physically closer than we have ever been. It isn't hysterical bonding, it isn't a sticking plaster, it's just two people who started out very in love, went so very wrong, and found each other again.

I hate the whole chump lady things being bandied about like it's the holy grail of affairs. Just because some woman wrote a blog doesn't mean she is right in all cases.

I hope you work things out, it is possible, but as someone has already said be prepared for massive downs and dark days. I found the anniversaries the worst: the day I found out, the day I filed for divorce etc. I have nearly left him so many times, but I stay, because I can see he loves me, he has done and is doing everything he possibly can to make it up to me, and despite everything, on a day to day basis we are incredibly happy and at peace with one another.

Would you have had the time for an affair?

Given all you've said about your marriage and your lack of sexual attraction to him, how do you think you'd have responded if a 26 year old male colleague had been willing to have an affair with you?

Now obviously you can't answer that question with any certainty, just as neither you nor your husband can say with certainty that this wouldn't have happened if the relationship had been better.

But often it's a case of you being two very different individuals who chose different things to survive modern life.

Please don't discount what some of us are saying, even if it doesn't resonate now.

What I can virtually guarantee is that you will think and feel very differently about some aspects of this in a few months time.

I'm acutely aware that I have control-freakish tendencies. I like to be in full determination of my own life and what happens in it, which is why I felt so rocked by the prospect of two people possibly altering my life and that of my children's, without my knowledge. That horrified me.

My instinct as a veteran 'juggler' with a reputation for competence and keeping all balls in the air, was to work out how, if I'd behaved differently I could have stopped this happening and could in the future too. It instantly appealed to my nature that I could have controlled this - and this comforted me in the early days, even though my husband was actually contradicting that message.

He was adamant right from the start that nothing I could have done or said would have stopped this happening and that it wasn't a response to our relationship or me as an individual;it was about him.

It was actually one of the most difficult realisations of my life that no, I couldn't have prevented this - and couldn't in the future. That none of us is responsible for another person's behaviour.

This worked in reverse for me too though. I used to think that DH's inability to juggle as many balls made me pull up the slack. To an extent I still think what choice did I have as someone had to be the responsible one but I had to acknowledge that actually I chose to do some things because of my perfectionist and controlling streak.

It's been very liberating letting go of those massive responsibilities, even though it was frightening at first.

Scapegoat:
No, I certainly would not have had time to have an affair!
And actually I think I do know how I would have responded "if a 26 year old male colleague had been willing to have an affair" with me. I shared my room at work last year with an exceptionally nice and quite good looking 27 year old junior colleague. We got on very well indeed. I had not the slightest flicker of desire for him. And I am resolute about marital fidelity. So if he had ever flirted or attempted to initiate anything I would have gently rebuffed him.
I hear what else you say though, it is certainly food for thought.

Then have a think about why you and your husband were so different as individuals.

And consider that you were (on the face of it) more vulnerable than him to a sexual affair because you'd stopped wanting sex with him and yet he hadn't stopped wanting it with you. He was more sexually invested in the relationship than you, if not as invested in the relationship as a whole seeing as you were giving more in every other aspect.

Yet you would have turned down an opportunity. You say because fidelity is important to you.

Don't get too bogged down in blaming your relationship so that you lose sight of your autonomy as individuals. It's possible that even if your relationship had been good, your husband might still have not turned down this opportunity, because he perhaps had different views on fidelity and different ways of dealing with the stresses of modern life.

My overwhelming advice right now is to keep an open mind about why this happened and listen to what your husband tells you, even if it doesn't fit in with your need to control events, or your own assumptions about why this has happened.

An interesting and useful question to ask him would be why did he not stop himself from starting the affair? What was in him (i.e personality traits, coping mechanisms, values etc) that made him think it was justified?

Only by addressing these and understanding what made him he choose to cheat, is he more likely not to do it again.

Oh gosh, this is agonising. I actually think he tried hard not to start the affair. The one time I met the OW was in the early autumn when DH invited her round to our house for a drink to meet one of his best friends who is single - he was hoping to matchmake them, I think to put her beyond his own reach. I arrived home from work half an hour before OW and the best friend left, unfortunately unmatchmade.

As I said upthread, she and DH had met at the end of the summer holidays at a week long annual sporting event for children (OW was there looking after her sister's child). They got on very well and spent a lot of time together. There is always a large and drunken party at the end of this event and it was then that they first kissed (and not a lot more).

They then met up several times for coffee or lunch (superficially) platonically. I think DH thought at that stage that he could control his feelings/urges but presumably enjoyed the frisson of possibility. It was not until I was away with DD at my mother's home for half term that the affair properly started. To begin with he says he fooled himself that it didn't really count as cheating if they didn't actually DTD. And then he gave in. I think he partially managed to justify it on the basis of how lonely and unhappy he was in our marriage, how unappreciated he felt by me and the lack of sex. But he was always plagued by the guilt so actually he never really did manage to actually justify it but carried on regardless.

What is so surprising is that he did this despite his long held and vehement views on fidelity. I don't think he really understands why he allowed it to happen, and I guess he must get to the bottom of that before I can hope to do so.

Our relationship history might have suggested that I was far more likely to have an affair than him. We first met in our very early 20s and went out for 18 months or so. During that period he worked abroad for months at a time. I told him I wasn't ready for a committed relationship and that I wanted to be free to see other men when he was away and that if I was still there for him when he returned, all well and good. He was horrified and wouldn't consider this arrangement but I'm afraid I "played away" on several occasions regardless. I eventually fell in love with someone else and ended our relationship. He was completely distraught and blown away by my reveletions of infidelity. We didn't speak or see each other for a long while. Eventually we got back together, his having had several quite serious girlfriends in the meantime, and got married a year later. I swore to him that when I married that was for keeps and that I would not ever be unfaithful and indeed it has never crossed my mind to stray. Up until the night I discovered his affair I would have been wholly confident he wouldn't either.

He probably "fell in love" with her (or was besotted with her, or was in lust with her). But he refused to have a relationship with her, however besotted he was. There is a difference between "falling in love"/having a crush/being in lust and loving someone, and he seems to have grasped it.

He chose you.

Thank you Distance, that's lovely (and to think I didn't initially have you picked out as the most supportive of posters....)

I think I if people knew my dh and me they also would say I was more likely to have an affair. It's such a shock it takes a long while to recoverfrom that but it sounds like you have a good grasp of it. It is agonising going over it but I found I had to face all the horrible feelings because before that I was avoiding thinking, at all and it was sending me mad (and alcoholic!!)

My therapist who I saw afterwards briefly really upset me at the time but it forced me to face it, I said why would my dh go back twice (for sex with the ow) and she said why wouldn't he, he felt bad about himself, she made him feel better about himself very briefly then he wanted the feeling again And I did no differently really when I felt bad after the affair. It bloody hurt when she said it but I needed to actually accept it. And it was way better than the relate idea of just moving on and focussing on the future (that would be bloody lovely but I was consumed with hurt and betrayel so I couldn't think of the future right then!)

Yes he has chosen you. But why? Why if a 26 year old hottie is all over him like a rash has he chosen you? And why, if he was always going to choose you, did he have an affair when his reasoning was that he was miserable and lonely? Surely he would be looking for a reason to leave the marriage if he was that miserable?

These are questions you need ask him, because if he wasnt actually as miserable as he is saying he was (and tbh, I dont think he was otherwise your marriage would have been over long since) then he is lying to you, her and probably himself and did it just because he wanted to. Rewriting history is a common tactic of the cheater. In order to justify an affair then the marriage has to be terrible, so they change their perception and sometimes literally make the marriage terrible. Did you have more arguments than normal during the affair period? Was he emotionally distant or accuse you of that?

He has decided that the "OK, needs a bit of work but basically OK" marriage was actually a living hell that was slowly sucking the life from him. Is that your perception?

Um, Bogey. Good questions and I will ask him. Actually I think our marriage and our lives had got to a point quite a while ago where many others might have wanted out. But probably what held him back from trying to leave was what kept me soldiering on - that we do love each other, however snipy we'd got, and that there should one day come a time when the external pressures on us might relent sufficiently for us to enjoy being "us" again.

I wasnt trying to be horrible, just to cast a different light on it.

I am just worried that in your desperation to show that your marriage is salvagable, you are excusing what he did.

It comes down to the fact that despite his supposed belief in fidelity and your promises to each other, he chose to cheat. Many people are in lonely marriages, many people have no sex life for whatever reason, all marriages have bad patches and yet the majority choose not to cheat. He made a conscious decision to have sex with someone else and tell you that he fell in love with her. That is not only wrong, but unspeakably cruel.

You say that you think he tried to not have affair, but that isnt true is it? If he had truly not wanted to have an affair then he wouldnt have had one, simple as. He didnt "give in" to anything, he decided that he would do it because he wanted to. Please dont reason away what he did to you and your marriage, there is no excuse at all for any of it.

I've just read your thread, OP, I've found the discussion very interesting. I was struck by your recent disclosure that you cheated on on your husband when you were younger, and fell in love with someone else, leaving him 'distraught'.

I wonder if, on an unconscious level, this made an affair acceptable as a life choice, gave a kind of permission; or gave him a desire to experience the other side of the coin; or even a desire to get even. I want to underline that I don't mean that he thought any of this consciously.

It's hard to keep track of the obscure movements of one's own unconscious mind, let alone someone else's. But in the context of MissScatterbrain's question as to why he didn't stop himself starting the affair, it might be worth considering.