Aftermath of affair - is this still hysterical bonding?

[AnonyMuse]

Background: I am 42, DH is 44, we have been married for 15 years having known each other for over 20, and have one DD, 11. Both DH and I work full time, long hours in high pressure jobs and for many years life has been a real grind, struggling to meet the demands of our jobs, running the home, looking after DD, our families (large and with some "difficult" members on both sides) etc. We are both quite controlling people and have over the years become increasingly snipy with each other. Our sex life had dwindled to virtually nothing: he was still keen but I felt no desire (for him or indeed anyone else). Whenever we DTD my body hardly responded and I came to view sex as a chore.

Shortly before Christmas I chanced upon an email (which he had not yet read) which made it clear he had had a brief affair which he had just ended. The OW (26) was trying to persuade him to reconsider. I confronted him with it and he admitted all. I do not believe he has attempted to minimise or (once found out) to lie - he has answered all my questions and I have seen all the emails between them. He is full of remorse and wracked with guilt. He said he was lonely and unhappy, but totally accepts that he behaved despicably and hasn't suggested that any blame lies with me. I believe him when he says that this is the first time he has been unfaithful apart from a drunken snog at a party years ago (which I have only found out about just now).

I think that the affair was a stupid lapse on his part and that it is not a good enough reason to end our marriage. I have therefore decided to forgive him and carry on but he is under no illusions that he will get a second chance. Thinking about it all is still incredibly painful, but I expect that will recede as time passes.

We have spent a lot of time discussing our emotions and strangely I feel closer to him than I have for years.

What has been totally unexpected is that I seem to have rediscovered my mojo and sex is as exciting and as good as in the early days of our relationship. I have told him that he is not to read too much into my newfound horniness and that it's probably just hysterical bonding. I don't know whether this is simply a side-effect of all the emotional fallout or whether its something I can hope will continue. Has anyone else experienced this? It seems totally extraordinary that an affair can have had the result of bringing us so much closer emotionally and physically. Can someone please explain??

Just had a thought.

You said upthread that you are the coper, the one who deals with crises when they arise and try to get everything back on an even keel. Is this just another part of that? Do you think that perhaps you are frightened of the lack of control you will have if you marriage does fail, so you are fighting tooth and nail to keep your "normal" even if, as you say, normal wasnt actually that great?

I'm surprised he kissed her the first time he met her. I wonder whether that alone had happened before, with someone else?

I can see why he delayed sex for so long because he might have viewed that as 'real' infidelity, and it would have taken him a long time to square it as being a valid course of action.

But unless he was very drunk or had done this before, snogging a stranger so quickly seems strangely at odds with someone who needed to battle with self-permission to be unfaithful.

Or did you mean they were together at the event all week and the kiss happened on the final day?

I can see that happening.

I have seen on affairs threads here how often it is the moral type of men who disapprove of cheating can be vulnerable to an affair.

They will not have understood that even if in a committed relationship, we can find others attractive - many of us will not take things any further but for this kind of cheater, they will think that their attraction means they must feel something for the other person and therefore start looking for problems in the marriage in order to justify the affair, becoming detached in order to create emotional space to allow feelings for the affair partner to develop.

In his case, it sounds like it was more of a infatuation than real love because the whole thing was likely to be based on fantasy and lust.

Yes, I don't think he was in love with her at all. He gave her up relatively easily, so this was probably infatuation at most.

He was probably more in love with the experience itself than her as an individual. Until it got too stressy and guilt-ridden.

You don't have to answer this OP, but they didn't come to your house when you were away at half-term did they?

Familyscapegoat: they spent the week together at the event before he kissed her on the last night. And no, they didn't come to our house while I was away at half term. He says the only time she's been here is the night he tried to matchmake her with his best friend.

Oh good! On both counts really.