Help please....Found out that DH has been taking oney out of savings & hiding bank statements!

[M2T]

Please help me, I’m utterly distraught . …. Here’s a bit of background first…..

When I met DH he was in debt up to his ears and was blacklisted, couldn’t get a bank account etc. Consequently everything is in my name and his wages go into my bank account.
I deal with all the bills and all I asked was that he kept an eye on the account and made sure there was enough money in it to cover all the Direct Debits….. if there wasn’t then I could speak to the bank about overdraft increase or another way of avoiding bank charges. So DH has access to the bank and knows my phoneline password so he can check the balance.

Last night I asked him if he had checked the account as DS’s nursery fees and the mortgage were due out. He hadn’t….. same as last month and the month before. So he phoned. We got a bit of a fright at the balance so I phoned to transfer money from my ISA. I knew there wasn’t much in it coz we’d spent it at Christmas, but was disappointed when the balance was only half the amount I expected.

That’s’ when DH blurted this out…… he had found the cash card for the ISA account (which he told me was lost last year) in his WALLET and had been dipping into it since AUGUST without telling me….. he has been hiding the bank statements for that account. One of the times he used the account to get enough money for a £30 taxi fare to his friends house when we had had an argument (only about 3 wks ago). We are really struggling for cash just now, I’m pregnant and we need a bigger house. How could he betray my trust like this?? He says the guilt has been eating him up, yet he carried on using the account. In the same breath he said has been shitting himself that he got caught!!!! I had been wondering for a while why the balance hadn’t been climbing as I expected, but never got around to phoning the bank to check.

He has always been careless with money, but I really thought he was getting better. I am the main earner, he already spends more than he earns and if I ask him why he’s spending so much it always ends in an argument. Now I find that he’s also been taking regular amounts out of our already grossly depleted savings account!

What do I do? He says he’s sorry, but he’s always been a selfish b*stard (his words) with money and he knows he’s done wrong. I feel like he’s made such a fool of me. My instincts are telling me this is just the tip of a huge ice berg and I should send him packing back to his Mummy’s house, but I know that I couldn’t cope financially, especially as I’m going on Mat Leave in 3.5 months time.

All advice would be gratefully received. At the moment I just want punch him in the face.

Sorry about all the weird codes.... I typed it in Word first and just copy/pasted it.

only read the first line but loads of hugs to you. I'll read the full thing and try and post in a bit
xxxxx

money is always a bad thing in relationships, causing more problems than most. but if its only ther money situation that the problems then dont throw the relationship away.

he has now got to work on building your trust back up. on one hand i would say change the password, cancel the card and dont let him have access to the accounts and give him a weekly allowence. but then he will feel like a naughty child (which effectively is how he has behaving).
how big is your house? how many kids atm? is there anyway you coud put if off for a while till you are back on your feet a bit more.

sorry to hear about all this, just hope u can work things out.

M2T, sorry to hear this...

I think the fact that he owned up, and apologised and feels awful is a good starting point.

In my books he's forfeited the right to any kind of control over your money. In short, change all your passwords, get all the statements sent to another address (a friend/ relative) and give him "pocket money" - he spends it , he gets no more.

Have you any idea why he's so bad with money? Can he account for all the money he's siphoned off over the past few months? (I'm wondering if perhaps there's another problem he's not telling you about, like gambling?).Can he get a few hours extra work evenings or weekends to repay the money he's spent?

Sorry this is probably the sort of thing you've thought about already. No direct experience myself, but I am the main earner in our house, and this is what I'd do if I found out dh was spending money we didn't have.

M2T - I have direct experience of this - but with me as the naughty one. I don't really want to air all my bad behaviour, but you can contact me personally if you want to hear the other side of things.

As someone said - I think you have to consider if there is some sort of addiction going on to account for all this money. There was with me.

Oh M2T, so sorry to hear this. I'd try and find out what he's spending the money on, but in the meantime change the codes, take the card, etc. It sounds like it'd almost be a relief to him to not have the access? Also, could you set up a bank account for him for spending money? This is what we did (for me with my husband's money) and it meant I had money that I could spend on anything without feeling like I needed to justify it to him.

Hope you find something that works for you guys.

I am so sorry to read your post, you poor thing. What a horrible situation to be in. I can sympathise as I was like you DH once and really hurt my partner as a result. Do you know what and why he is taking the money? Is it just general extravagance or is it that the budget just isn?t working ? If he has been buying large items, can he send them back? Or is there more to it?

I think you need to sit down with him and the paper work in front of you both and have a bit of a serious heart to heart. I would give him the opportunity to explain why and what he has been doing and then (if appropriate) lay the law down. It is family money, he is an adult and should start sharing the responsibility of looking out for the whole family, not just himself.
I know all about having unequal incomes in a partnership and it can have real affects on a relationship. When I lost my income I felt that I had also been stripped of my role in the financial planning and running of the family accounts - I was not contributing and therfore (wrongly) I thought I had no responsibility over it?s welfare - never looked at the books and just spent. I guess I was possibily rather like your DH - enjoying spending and kept putting my head in the clouds, not wanting to admit how much I was frittering, even to myself as that would shatter the illusion. Took a big crisis for us to sit down and for the first time really look at what was going in and how much was going out, to start to be honest about our (ok, my) overspending and deal with it. Was embarrassing and emotionally difficult but we got through it - mainly because my DH managed to walk a tricky path between being honest about how angry he was with me and at the same time not patronising me or blaming me for the lack of money coming in. My DH still oversees the accounts and pays all bills but keeps me informed of how much we have and for my part I try to budget the household expenses such as food, petrol, clothes etc. and also check the balance first before I go out. We have a rule that any single expense over £50 we discuss with each other first - even a quick phone call - just to have that feeling of joint responsibility and double check that neither of us is being extravangant unnecessartily. We are no angels and still spend too much at times, but are better at talking now.
Whatever course of action you take with DH, make sure that he is genuinely repentant and keen to resolve the matters once and for all or it will return and haunt you. DH and I had semi-talks/rows about money quite a few times before the major showdown - they all ended with me thinking he was a patronising sod and making half hearted promises that slowly slipped into oblivion rather than admit I was in the wrong. I spent because I was unhappy - lonely and feeling i was a crap mum so spent to compensate - nice flowers to make the house look better as I felt guilty that it wasn?t constantly immaculate, a new outfit for DD as I felt I needed to make it up to her for not being a good mum etc. etc. Stupid and rather obvious now but at the time didn?t see it. Get to the bottom of his reasons and it will all be much better, I promise. Selfishness is horrible but it can also be a symptom that someone needs to keep looking inward because there is a real problem and need inside that they are unable to look beyond themselves until they can get past their own problems.

Thanks folks....

Misdee - We have a 2 bedroomed house with one child already. It's not essential that we move yet, but I wanted to try to get back on our feet so it's a realistic option in the near future.

Tissy and Lazyeye - Yes long before he met me when he got into major debt (defaulted on a 5k bank loan) he had a drug problem (a lot of cannibis and a little cocaine). It lasted about a year and is one of the reasons he moved from Liverpool to Scotland to live and work with his best friend. Who helped sort him out. When I met him he didn't take any druge anymore and apart from alcohol and cigarettes he hasn't touched anything for at least 5yrs.

It isn't a huge amount of money he's been taking..... just a tenner here and there, but its the principal and the realisation that he has the ability to hide things like this from me.

I have told him that he will be given enough money each week for commuting and lunch....and that's it. But I get thie feeling this will end up causing me more grief as it'll be me who suffers if he's ran out of cigarettes by the end of each week.

Most times we go out to pub we are together, we haven't been at all since Christmas since I'm pregnant. But the few times he has been out he spends fortunes!! He was like this when I met him, but then it was his money he was spending so it didn't bother me. He's the type that even if he knew we needed money to buy food would STILL spend the last drop on buying rounds for people.

Careless.... irresponsible....and selfish.
Since the showdown last night there has been total silence, with him sitting looking at his feet like a child outside the headmasters office. He's 31 for christs sake.... WHY CAN'T HE GROW UP??

M2T - sorry to hear about this. As an outsider it sounds like very childish behaviour by which I mean he sounds unable to take responsilibity. Especially the phrase "he was hsitting himself in case he got caught".
I think you need to sit down when calmer and try and find out why he did it/what he spent it on. For me it's not the spending of the money necessarily but the fact that he was hiding it from you. I think that's what you need to get to the bottom of.

Sorry to hear this M2T. My first thought on reading the thread title without knowing the details was 'wonder if it's gambling?' Is there something like that do you think? I agree, he's forfeited all rights to access and you need to take back control immediately. I mean, what if there hadn't been enough to pay the mortgage as a result of this? I don't know how you deal with the after effects of this though - it must be very difficult always having to be the sensible one, the adult in the relationship. Could you try some counselling to get to the bottom of his attitude towards money? Because that's the root cause and what needs addressing. I should think you could do without this atm so I'm sorry and I hope you manage to sort it out.

Excuse grammar, shouldn't have been a 'what' there before 'needs addressing'.

might there also be something in the fact that you look after all the money side of things in your relationship so he feels (subconsciously) as though he has no power and therefore just goes spends it to assert himself? (or is that complete nonsense)

maybe buy bulk ciggies at the beginning of each week/month and tell him if they run out thats it.

or get him to quit.

2 kids in a 2bed is a squash, been there done that. but is possible.

don really know what to suggest, u must be really upset and feeling broken.

You lot are always so helpful and wise.

I do think one of the issues is that he feels 'castrated' by the fact that I am the main earner, but then he has had opportunities to change that. He lacks self confidence, but how can I help him boost it if I am having to remove any adult responsibility from the relationship?

Is this a vicious circle?

Hi M2T, this has happened to me too, I hope I can help but I'm in a hurry now. I'll post this afternoon, I promise.

For me - I knew I was doing wrong - probably just like you dp does, but I just couldn't stop.

I must admit the shitty way my hubbie talked to me about it made it worse. He is an accountant anyway and quite senior - I felt like he was talking to a naughty office junior - it made me rebel more.

He might not deserve it, but I think you should really try to understand why he is doing this - you might have more chance of stopping it.

Hi M2T, I was amazed when I read your post because the exact same thing happened to me. When my XP left, I found about 150 letters and bank statements that he had hidden from me -some of them just junk mail, not even anything important.

In my ex's case, I think it was a way for him to take back some control - he didn't have an income, and for various reasons (like an addiction problem which he hid absolutely amazingly successfully) he felt very inadequate. He also was stealing from me. And I use that term advisedly, because he is stealing from his family. I'd advise counselling, because along with other people who've posted, I'd agree that this isn't really about money, it's about responsibility and being a grown up, and you need to get to the root of why he has abdicated his responsibilities - 31 is too old to be crap with money, it's a bit like saying you can't dress yourself. I hope you sort this out, I got to a stage where I just couldn't live with this big child anymore, but perhaps if we'd gone to counselling earlier, addressed the probs etc., things could have been different - I hope they are for you. Good luck!

M2T - this book is really good and has a section specifically about money and relationships.

your money or your life

Do you think I should print out this thread and let him read it? Maybe it would have more impact if he could read outsiders point of view rather than thinking I'm just having a go at him.

I think that's risky M2T - he'll probably be very defensive and maybe feel like you've gone behind his back.

M2T - so sorry to hear this. I think stripeymouse is spot on - there is a reason he is behaving like this and you need to get to the bottom of it.

I'm a spender too and it's the single most common factor in all our rows - in the last one, I cut up my debit card (cut up my credit card ages ago) and said he would have to give me housekeeping instead. Ordered another card a couple of days later - I'm a great one for the flouncy grand gestures but having no access to money is very belittling!

If he's a good dh in other ways then you need to work at this - having read stripeymouse's post very carefully it's given me a lot to think about personally as she could be describing me

Maybe showing him this thread would be a good idea - you know him best.
Good luck xx

Stripeymouse is describing me as well, only I'm probably worse. God do you mean there are other naughty pple like me out there?

Katierocket.... But he knows I can't talk to anyone else about this. I just too embarassed that I've been taken for a ride like this.

I have sat him down so many times and told him that we need to be more careful with money. I know that I'm no saint with cash and have had my fair share of debts, but at least as an adult I have sorted them out. I find it hard enough keeping my own spending under control without having to hold his hand too.

Where would I start looking for counselling? We can't really afford to pay for it. And I think we need to sort out more than just the money issues unfortunately.

Ohhh yes