Help please....Found out that DH has been taking oney out of savings & hiding bank statements!

[M2T]

Please help me, I’m utterly distraught . …. Here’s a bit of background first…..

When I met DH he was in debt up to his ears and was blacklisted, couldn’t get a bank account etc. Consequently everything is in my name and his wages go into my bank account.
I deal with all the bills and all I asked was that he kept an eye on the account and made sure there was enough money in it to cover all the Direct Debits….. if there wasn’t then I could speak to the bank about overdraft increase or another way of avoiding bank charges. So DH has access to the bank and knows my phoneline password so he can check the balance.

Last night I asked him if he had checked the account as DS’s nursery fees and the mortgage were due out. He hadn’t….. same as last month and the month before. So he phoned. We got a bit of a fright at the balance so I phoned to transfer money from my ISA. I knew there wasn’t much in it coz we’d spent it at Christmas, but was disappointed when the balance was only half the amount I expected.

That’s’ when DH blurted this out…… he had found the cash card for the ISA account (which he told me was lost last year) in his WALLET and had been dipping into it since AUGUST without telling me….. he has been hiding the bank statements for that account. One of the times he used the account to get enough money for a £30 taxi fare to his friends house when we had had an argument (only about 3 wks ago). We are really struggling for cash just now, I’m pregnant and we need a bigger house. How could he betray my trust like this?? He says the guilt has been eating him up, yet he carried on using the account. In the same breath he said has been shitting himself that he got caught!!!! I had been wondering for a while why the balance hadn’t been climbing as I expected, but never got around to phoning the bank to check.

He has always been careless with money, but I really thought he was getting better. I am the main earner, he already spends more than he earns and if I ask him why he’s spending so much it always ends in an argument. Now I find that he’s also been taking regular amounts out of our already grossly depleted savings account!

What do I do? He says he’s sorry, but he’s always been a selfish b*stard (his words) with money and he knows he’s done wrong. I feel like he’s made such a fool of me. My instincts are telling me this is just the tip of a huge ice berg and I should send him packing back to his Mummy’s house, but I know that I couldn’t cope financially, especially as I’m going on Mat Leave in 3.5 months time.

All advice would be gratefully received. At the moment I just want punch him in the face.

Glad you are getting it sorted M2T.

Can I suggest internet banking if you do not already do it? It really is fab and sooo easy. Can't remember the last time I went to / ohoned a bank.

xx

Just come to this, M2T, so sorry you have been having such a stressful time of it, I really am.
I'm the spender and dh the saver in our house and what has finally helped me manage my own money properly is internet banking, as Mum2Ela has just suggested. It really is a help. We also use a joint account to ensure all commitments are covered, and now only use our personal accounts for "pocket money".
He is lucky to have you, willing and able to keep him on track. It does sound like he is genuinely sorry, I think. Take care.

Agree with mum2ella. Its awful being on the phone to the bank when your baby starts crying/toddler starts playing up etc. But you can be breastfeeding/singing nursery rhymes and sorting out your online banking and nobody the wiser

Internet banking does sound much handier.... but would I have as much time for Mumsnetting????

Yes Marina, I agree he does sound genuinely sorry. A joint account is out of the question though. He can't get an account apart from a savings one. Thankfully!

Was going to come on here and suggest you did online banking! It's tons easier. We have a separate bills account and have gone through EVERY fixed outgoing and worked out how much we need to put in a month. So the monthly direct debits go out of this. We also worked out how much things like water bills or insurance (which are billed quarterly, bi-annually or annually) work out to per month and put this in. The account now runs itself and sometimes looks wonderfully and healthily in credit but we never touch the money (cut up the cards infact as its online or DD or nothing). I arranged that the transfer from our main joint account (into which we both get paid) happens the day after I get paid - I am the main earner. You could always arrange two half payments per month after each of you gets paid. None of the bills DDs go out until the day after this payment reaches the bank. I would advise setting up the bills account with the same bank as your main joint account as otherwise you have to wait 4 days for transfers to clear. HSBC is good as it shows internet accounts in real time - i.e. you can see a cash withdrawal on the same day it was made. You can make payments to any utility, credit card etc and can also make payments to any individual provided you know their bank details.

Would advise you memorise your logon details and do not divulge to DH for now.

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The secret is simple really M2T - open up two windows - one for mumsnet and one for the banking.

Good thing is though that you can access your statement at any time instead of getting it once a month.

I'm curious at all this personal spending money thing. DH and I have a current account (plus savings a/c etc) into which everything gets paid - both salaries, child benefit, tax credit - and out of which everything is paid - bills, food, SOs for savings, clothes, cash, CDs etc. Those of you who have separate accounts for personal spending - how much do you allow yourself a month and what counts as personal spending?
Lunches? Toiletries? Gym membership? If you go out for a meal do you pay 50/50?

I see Bozza, that sounds managable.
Good point! Does our work travelling expenses come out of that too?

Bozza, out of the j/acc we pay mortgage, council tax, insurance policies, childcare (huge chunk at present because of breakfast/after-school club too ), weekly food bills, various small savings plans and our crappy endowment from our previous mortgage, all utilities and our annual holiday.
Our salaries go into our personal accounts and a few days later we each transfer the bulk of the money into the joint account. With what we each have left we pay for commuting costs and other fripperies like the car running costs (dh) and the children's clothes (me). So the pocket money for personal adornment and pleasure is pretty minimal. Meal out? What's that then?
M2T, appreciate the above would not work for you both right now. But can reassure you that hanging around your real-time banking details is not likely to detain you for half as long as Mumsnet! Internet banking is most definitely a necessary evil.

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M2T I was going to suggest internet banking, but I see loads of people have already recommended it - we use First Direct - it's really easy and doesn't take long if you pay most regular bills by setting up direct debits.
Good luck with sorting him out

bozza -`we also have personal accounts - they are for clothes, haircuts, contact lenses, books, CDs, personal nights out or trips etc. currently about 8% of our net oncome goes into these accounts, but it will be reduced to nothing once my maternity pay runs out.

ooh no to personal accounts, dhs money is ALL MINE (evil cackle)

You're a woman after my own heart, MrsC! I've got all our savings except 80gbp in my name, too.

Just mentioned the meal out Marina because we are going out on Saturday a deux - for the first time since we had a night away to celebrate my 30th last March. Would not agree to paying car running costs or children's clothes as personal expenses because I'd end up paying both.

We are currently in an unusual position in that DH and I are on a virtually identical hourly rate - but he works more hours than me.

I'm reasonably happy with the way things are but know that every month DH has greater personal expenses than me. £50 + per month on golf club fees get him off to a bad start I suppose.

Have to confess suedonim and coddie that the ISA and DS's account and an extra life assurance policy are all in my name.

As a sahm, Bozza, it means I can use some of my tax allowance up. Better in my pocket than Gordon's!

i used internet banking to sort out my bills. i transfer money weekly for old loans (still got 5k plus on one and around 1k on another), car insurence, money owed to dad and sister for catalogues/mothercare (we share a card), kids savings money, and every 4 weeks i have a car loan payment going out. i have gas electric card metrers which means i always have to buy in on a monday otherwise we freeze/ cant use pc etc. after that money is used for food and treats. luckily my money goes in weekly so is kinda easier to manage, but internet banking is sooooo easy, means i actually get round to setting up transfer, DD and standing orders straight away without having to wait till the kids are asleep as they are too noisey during the day to call the bank then. am with the abbey btw.