After 5 years where's it going ?

[Silver40]

After 5 years with my boyfriend I'm confused as to where this relationship is going, we see each other twice a week ( the same days week in week out ) we have had one holiday together, I now feel I need more of his time but haven't a clue how to approach this conversation with him, I have 2 children from my previous marriage he doesn't have children, I'm guessing his child is his business, I feeling so low as I'm realising I'm lonely most of the time, to make matters worse I have a friend who in a flash would marry me and that's what I'd love, to be married again and not have this part time life style...anyone else out there who is in a similar situation ?

This strikes me as a bit odd.

Like he's leading a double life, or hiding something from you.

So, you've been dating for 5 years, seeing him on the same days, twice a week, and haven't even discussed spending more time together?

This relationship is going nowhere, and what's more, continuing this relationship is stopping you finding happiness with somebody else.

Have you met his friends, colleagues, family?

What do you do with your time together?

I have met all his family who are very kind to me, friends and most of his work colleagues, I really feel that his life is his work, I'm guessing I need to bring up the conversation of our future but feel as if this is what a man should do...old fashioned I know ! We go out for meals with friends,or with family or on our own, stay in, pictures, shopping all the normal stuff really, but it's so part time, and as the years tick by I'm beginning to think is this it ??? I guess I'm after security which this relationship does not have and I so would like now, but just can't find it in me to bring the subject up...from the outside people think I have it all, no dirty washing just a lovely lifestyle, but behind closed doors I feel as if I have nothings that makes sense ? To put it bluntly if anything was to happen to him I'm 'just the girlfriend '

Noooo that sounds a very lonely relationship, you'd be better on your own or joining a dating site let people take you out enjoy life. Life is for living it doesn't sound like you get anything from this relationship NOTHING. And if you can't talk to him either about it that's even worse there is no relationship. Get out now I know it seems hard but you won't regret it, been there and got the t shirt you need to enjoy yourself xx

The thing is he is sooooo kind, and would most likely be horrified if he knew how I felt and I blame myself for that, why I can't man up and say something I just don't know ? I wouldn't even know how to 'get out' I kind of feel trapped by my inability to speak my mind, he is perfect but then is that because it's just a few hours a week ? I went on holiday last year with a friend as I couldn't face another year without a holiday, did it prompt him into taking me away ?? No he was so happy that I had a great time and sent me away with spending money..it's not his money I'm after it's his time and that's his short coming, I have a friend that is single and would love nothing more than to be loved and be in a full time loving relationship, I too want this but it's all to easy to see things through rose tinted glasses and how you would wish thing to be, and let's face it I've not given him a chance to offer more, but I'm waiting and waiting and I can't see any more on the horizon, my life is ebbing away !!

Well surely though if he was so kind and perfect he would see that he is not offering you a relationship, he shouldn't need telling to see you more take you on holiday more , make you feel wanted what will it be like after another 10 years.

Yes you should tell him how you feel and that also is not showing the relationship in a good way as you don't feel you can talk to him after 5 years! Don't waste your life silver either speak to him or move on it's NOT normal x

Yes it's easy to be perfect 2 days a week, and that's all he's offering.

You're with someone who doesn't really want to be with you, and you know someone who would be with you in flash.

I know who I would choose.

I kind of know what I've got to do and have for some time, I'm trying to find it in me to do something about it I guess, I kind of stumbled on this site and thought I'd ask for help or if there was anyone else out there trapped by their life, I can talk to my friends and family about how I feel but it's nice to get advice or thoughts from someone unconnected with my life, it's too easy not to want to hurt him, which I'm sure he would be broken hearted, but in doing so I'm going nowhere fast !

Oh silver, you know I have been were you are well similar anyway, felt trapped still emotionally attached even though I knew the relationship was making me unhappy I too knew I had to find strength from somewhere to sort it, think I even posted on here which confirmed in my head that I needed to move on but didn't know how it was a complicated situation. But well what I did was I went away just me and my children abroad and just sat on a sunbed for most of the week watching the children thinking! It was that week that made me realise I didn't need a man and that actually I felt a sense of relief on my own, I wanted love and commitment but I knew it wasn't going to happen with this man. I made a plan and I stuck it , I got rid and met someone else you just need to find the confidence xx

He's not so worried about hurting you that he'll either come on holiday or see you more.

He's so detached that he may be less upset than you think, and anyway, realistically, does he really think this is going anywhere?

Similar situation here but not so bad, we're up to five nights a week after four years! I know exactly how you feel and although it has a lot of merits I know I am settling for a relationship which doesn't really meet my needs. On a kind day I blame it all on DP's ex who was enough to scar anyone for life, on a PMT day I think DP is an emotional fuckwit with a hint of cocklodger to boot.

Are your dc attached to him?

Can I ask what's prompted you to question this after five years?

You know your title? That is what you should be asking him, none of us have a clue how he feels. My best guess is that he likes things the way they are, but I can't be sure. Only he can tell you.

Have the conversation, you won't be worse off will you?

Good luck.

Also he doesn't seem to really care how you feel, if he did he would ask you if you were happy, this arrangement you have seems to suit him that's all he cares about so he is hurting you, he sounds very detached and unemotional you can do so much better you deserve it I can tell by your posts you are a lovely person but you are letting yourself be walked on and all it will do is make you unhappy, if you can't talk to him make yourself unavailable on the nights he sees you if he cares it will worry him x

I so know what I need to do, and if only you knew me in person, you wouldn't understand how someone like me has found herself in such a silly silly mess, to him I'm the perfect girlfriend, very low maintenance, I haven't changed his life one bit since we met all I've done is make him happy, he does everything he did before we met, golf, skiing holidays, gym etc, don't get me wrong I too have the freedom to do as I please, I just fit in his spare time and maybe he thinks that's all I want too, but after 5 years it gets the same old same old, I actually would like a man to come home from work to me, wake up with me, share my ups and downs with the children, not just see the happy braved faced lady I am if that makes sense ?

Well no one can expect someone to put up with that, he should be single if he wants that it's really very selfish, but yes you need to tell him could you maybe explain in an email you might find it easier and then that will prompt him to talk to you ?

Then you have to tell him and see how he feels. He can't judge you for how you feel and you can't judge him. You just need to find out if you are on the same page. Life is way too short to wait fir what might never happen...and where will you be then?

Are you scared that if you ask the question in your title, he will say he wants things to stay the same?
Because I think that is a reality you might have to face.
Equally asking might give him a kick up the arse but what will you do if he doesn't want to move things on?

I don't think he is selfish...unless he promised more and I have missed it?

Hmmm... So he can do ski holidays but not holidays with you...

He's got the perfect bachelor lifestyle. I guess he doesn't really want to be involved with being a father to your kids, which is why the relationship has plateaued...

Jean, I've been questioning this for over 2 years now, and am getting fed up with myself for allowing yet another year to pass, I think he is set in his ways and I've allowed this to happen in a way, wanting to be a perfect girlfriend, as my mum would say no man likes a nagging women !!!! Strongmum, I've often done something on our nights, but he is just happy that I'm doing something that I like !!! I'm mixing things up this year though and booking things or saying yes to events that fall on not our normal days lol

When you said his life was his work, I didn't realise he had time for gym, golf, skiing... That's quite insulting! Because he does have time to see you more he just chooses not to.

My ex husband was like that just did what he wanted, sports away with the boys when he wanted I got fed up especially with having children, it took me a while but I left and started enjoying life, 5 years later he is still the same single doing what he wants, that's just him it's how he wants his life some people are just like that but like you I wanted more so the marriage crumbled

Try reading why men love bitches. It's a bit American but may throw a light on his and your behaviour.

You are all probably right he has the perfect life, a non moaning girlfriend, who's a very good cook just for good measure !! I guess if I ask the question and he has nothing more to offer then at least I know where I stand and can make a decision, I'm certainly not scared to 'go it alone' in life and have a great circle of friends, I'm just so frustrated with myself for being such a whimp, and just thought I'd put my frustrations out on here rather than bore my friends ! My children do like him, but like most kids of their age their not that bothered about me or my problems, just as long as their life's aren't affected whatever happens I'm sure they will be fine, it's not like he has lived with us, they see their dad regularly so don't need a farther figure.

My mum was in a relationship exactly like this for seven years. It eventually ended when he announced he'd been seeing someone else for two years and he wanted to marry her.