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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

After 5 years where's it going ?

62 replies

Silver40 · 05/01/2014 20:14

After 5 years with my boyfriend I'm confused as to where this relationship is going, we see each other twice a week ( the same days week in week out ) we have had one holiday together, I now feel I need more of his time but haven't a clue how to approach this conversation with him, I have 2 children from my previous marriage he doesn't have children, I'm guessing his child is his business, I feeling so low as I'm realising I'm lonely most of the time, to make matters worse I have a friend who in a flash would marry me and that's what I'd love, to be married again and not have this part time life style...anyone else out there who is in a similar situation ?

OP posts:
Silver40 · 05/01/2014 22:57

Vert true twinke, I guess what I ment was he runs his own business so works long hours, and I've just fallen into the few spare hours in his life that he had before we met, he does not have children so perhaps in a way is selfish as once you have kids you can't lead a selfish life.

OP posts:
Strongmum72 · 05/01/2014 22:58

There is a name for men like that a name I learnt on here a cocklodger ! Xx

CuttedUpPear · 05/01/2014 23:03

He's not perfect though is he? If he was, he would be making you happy.

I'm in a 6 year relationship where we live apart. It's just been major crunch time. DP seems to be stepping up to the mark now, in terms of joint plans, but we had nearly a month's break over Xmas to see what we wanted.

I think your chap needs a short sharp shock. Go away for a break with your male friend perhaps?

Silver40 · 05/01/2014 23:04

Buzzardbird, he has never promised anything, I just seem to be watching people around me move on in life and I'm in the same place as I was 5 years ago, in the 5 years we have been together I've had friends get married, move in with each other etc etc, I'm guessing I've brought a lot of this on myself by being old fashioned and waiting for the man to do the decent thing trouble is I'm getting older, I'm not passed it but if I wait another 5 years I might be lol

OP posts:
LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 05/01/2014 23:08

I found myself in exactly the same situation with my DP, five years and still no commitment, he lived a fair few miles away with his parents, would visit me at weekends and then go back for work. I was so lonely - because my single friends went out at weekends or had partners who they saw in the week and i was with DP at weekends, the rest of the week i was on my own :( It just came to a head once christmas actually after we had had a lovely time. It came to the time for him to go back home after the break - i just told him not to come back. That was 18 years ago and he never did go back home Grin He was lucky enough to walk into a local job and the rest is history. I also had a DD from a previous relationship.

Silver40 · 05/01/2014 23:11

Strongmum what's a cocklodger ? Never heard of it !!!, madisthenewnormal, sorry to hear about what happened to your mum, my boyfriend is so loyal and I'm sure that this would never happen to me, he really is so so kind, but missing the point in life about moving forward, cutteduppear, I couldn't go away with my male friend I just not like that and I'm sure neither is he, if however we split up I'm sure we would, but to do something like that I just couldn't, I need to grow some balls and deal with this myself first.

OP posts:
MrsBobHale · 05/01/2014 23:13

Hi OP

I was in exactly the same relationship until about 2 months ago. We'd been together 7 years, and we only saw each other at weekends. He would say often and loudly to anyone who would listen that we had the perfect relationship - no arguing over who puts the bins out, just the fun stuff. He was open and honest that he liked it that way.

I was the one being dishonest really because I'd smile and agree, but really I wanted the same as you - a normal relationship. Someone to share everything with.

He was always willing to do the holidays, and always willing to see me at weekends, but he is a single dad and works full time, and he liked to keep his life partitioned and me at arm's length.

I let it drag on for at least 2 years longer than I should have, because on paper he was the perfect guy - we have lots in common, and when we are together we have a good time. He always batted away any attempt at a meaningful conversation about where we were going though, and I didn't want to be the nagging girlfriend asking him when things would change.

It sounds like you've got a similar man on your hands. You could describe him as selfish, because he wants the relationship to suit him, but no more selfish than you wanting the relationship you want. It doesn't sound like he's being dishonest, he just likes what he's got. You need to decide whether it's what you want.

In the end I decided it wasn't what I wanted, and I have felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I ended it. I think it was the guilt of knowing I needed to end it, and hadn't had the guts for a really long time.

It's actually a lot less lonely being single than being in such a mismatched relationship.

Good luck

Silver40 · 05/01/2014 23:20

Mrsbobhale, you've got in in one, from the outside it's perfect, never a cross word, I'm the perfect girlfriend and he too the perfect boyfriend but and it's a big big but, I'm trapped by knowing what I've got is great but it's not real, and I want real, I want to cook together not have the dinner ready for when he comes round, he does have it perfect, but please don't think I don't I do, he is kind, generous and will do anything for me however it's a fairytale and not real life.

OP posts:
Strongmum72 · 05/01/2014 23:20

That's a great story lem it just goes to show sometimes they need a shock to actually shake them....a cocklodger is a guy that visits or stays over gets his cock sorted,fed watered and then off again with no emotional or financial contribution,that's how I understand it anyway but make your own meaning lol good luck yes have a plan talk to him tell him not to come back or go away on your own or send an email but don't put up and shut up x

olathelawyer05 · 05/01/2014 23:25

This guy sounds like me. I see my GF of 2 yrs at weekends only. I don't need/want any more. If one day she tells me she want 'more', I'll shake her hand and tell her to go out and find it.

If he is minded as I am, then right now he may well have the maximum involvement that he wants with any woman, and the maximum he is prepared to let any woman have in his life, in which case, you'll just have to decide what YOU want?

Does he have a previous relationship which maybe marked a watershed moment regarding women in his life? I ask because I know I did, and it changed everything when I snapped out of my meditative state on the issue. He may be asking himself, why do I need to invest in this woman (or any woman)? Why do I want to 'daddy' her children?. I'm not poking a finger at you, just giving a picture of what could be going on in his head.

We're assuming a lot, and you'll just need to have a frank chat with him.

Silver40 · 05/01/2014 23:28

Ah Strongmum, yes now I get it.... Very true, infact spot on lol, he is generous with finances but like I say it's easy to throw money at something if you have it, but it's not something you can rely on, let's face it if tomorrow he is no longer here, where does that leave me, that's probably why I'm thinking I need commitment from him, I don't want his money, I'd like his time !

OP posts:
Silver40 · 05/01/2014 23:34

Olath, he was married and I've met his ex a number of times, they split up years before we met, I know it cost him, ie to buy her out, but I have my own assets and would bring to the table just as much as him, and as for being a daddy, there's no need as my children see their father, I like your honest and frank comments, that's very honest of you, I just need to have this conversation with him, it's just nice to get of my chest how I feel without involving friends and family.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 23:40

I wonder if Ola is as honest with his gf as he is with you OP, probably not...

Silver40 · 05/01/2014 23:45

Ola, said that's what he would say if his gf asked for more, I'm guessing they haven't had to have that conversation yet, and I'm sure by what he said he would be very honest with her.

OP posts:
Strongmum72 · 05/01/2014 23:52

Yeh I'm just wondering the same does ola gf know were she stands. You see he's being honest and if he's being honest with his gf then fair enough we all have needs and some don't feel they want the closeness of a relationship like that but it's all about being honest. Your not the only one I have put up with things and kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to appear the nagging gf, but there's only so long you can keep that up for, it's time for honesty silver x

Silver40 · 05/01/2014 23:57

I know what I've got to do, I just need to muster up the courage, I keep giving myself dead lines to say something, and then they pass and I re set them lol, but I really do know I have to do something or I will turn into a moany old nag to everyone who knows me apart from the one person who I should be telling !!!!!!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 23:58

I've known a lot of Olas OP it's fairly common. Not gone out with one tho.

olathelawyer05 · 06/01/2014 00:00

Twinklestein

Yes, I'm sure you'd like to think to yourself that I'm lying to my GF or leading her on wouldn't you. Help you sleep better perhaps? Well, really sorry to disappoint you Smile.

Unlike some, I don't 'worship at the altar' you see, and my GF knows that perfectly well.

Twinklestein · 06/01/2014 00:04

Why would you think I would 'like to think that'? I really couldn't care less...

No idea what 'worshipping at the altar' refers to in this context, but I doubt it's relevant to the OP's thread.

olathelawyer05 · 06/01/2014 00:08

"Why would you think I would 'like to think that'? I really couldn't care less..."

Then why ask the question? Hmm...

Anyway yes, stop derailing with talk of these "Olas" you've supposedly known....whatever that means.

Strongmum72 · 06/01/2014 00:11

Oo ola seems a bit touchy twinkle maybe you've hit a raw nerve ouch , hmmm

Twinklestein · 06/01/2014 00:13

It was a rhetorical question, back to the thread...

Misfitless · 06/01/2014 02:34

I've read all the OP's posts, but not all the other comments.

Unless I'm missing something, there has been no mention of 'love' in this thread by the OP.

Obviously, you don't have to be in love with the guy, or even love him at all, but I'm just wondering...

Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, OP?

Do you believe he's 'the one' for you?

If he wants to maintain the status quo, would you rather end it than continue with him as you have for the last 5 years?

I think Ola's made a good point, tbh. He sounds like he is happy with things just as they are.

Have the conversation this week!

Dump the boyfriend and get with your friend, unless I'm misreading between the lines Wink!

MistressDeeCee · 06/01/2014 06:55

OP I dont feel he is up to anything untoward - just that, the relationship/lifestyle suits him as it is. You on the other hand, want more. Men can't and won't always mindread us as women; if you haven't verbalised this subject with him then how exactly is he to know you're disatisfied? Why would he ask if you're unhappy, when you haven't put across to him that you're unhappy? For all he knows, you may be happy. You've managed to put it across on Mumsnet to get the input of others, but truly you should be seeking the input of your man in this matter. Put it across to him, perhaps in the same way you have here - after all its the 2 of you in this relationship, all else is just speculation. Nobody else can tell you what he is thinking in the same way that, you can't just expect him to second guess you.

Hopefully, what you want is in line with what he wants, in time to come. How long you wait for that is up to you. But if he is happy to continue as you are now indefinetely, and you aren't - then at least you will have clarity in thinking about your future. You need to talk.

SanityClause · 06/01/2014 08:08

There's nothing wrong with what your BF wants - except it's different to what you want.

You know you need to talk to him, and I'm sure you will, quite soon.

Just do beware of jumping into a relationship too quickly with your other friend - but I'm sure you know that, as well!

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