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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today I was told that I'm a freak

55 replies

SoAmIWeirdOrAmINot · 04/01/2014 23:30

Name Change! (no idea why I feel like to mention it, but it just kinda makes me feel more legit facepalm

Anyway, this morning I was out and about and met a group of women that I used to talk to in my playgroup frequenting days (there's 3 of them). Whilst our dc's were busy playing and generally trying to kill themselves at the playground, we were chatting about different things, and the chat kinda steered to relationships/ husbands/ other half annoyances and so on. I was asked a question about how long I've been with my partner with and I just said, without much thinking that I've never been in a relationship so there's no partner. And it's true, I have been single my whole life- all 28 years of it. I have had 3 one night stands in my early 20's but that's about it. I have never felt like I need to be with someone, share my day-to-day life with them, etc. Even at school never once did I feel like I should be with someone.

The way that the women reacted and things that they said made me feel like an alien of some kind. One actually called me a freak. So, my question is- am I? Surely it's perfectly normal to be single and happy and not want to be with someone? Or are they right?

OP posts:
ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 05/01/2014 01:03

You're not a freak.

I'd ask if they had been watching too much Bridget jones' diary

And snarf Grin at 'pearl clutching brigade'

Original poster
SoAmIWeirdOrAmINot · 05/01/2014 01:16

That's the thing- I've no idea why it keeps bothering me! I think it's just the tone/ body language that followed with being called a freak that made me feel uncomfortable. I have never had this happen before that had the same aura? atmosphere? I can't quite put my finger on it.

Thank you Hermione :) You are very kind! And to everyone else for your lovely and kind words!

OP posts:
mellicauli · 05/01/2014 01:21

As they are your friends give her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she was trying to make light of it and inadvertently hurt your feelings.

You know you haven't followed the path that everyone else has, so you should probably expect to be challenged about your choices. But that's because they are interesting and people like to explore them, not because people necessarily think that the choices are wrong or unacceptable.

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 01:54

Anything outside the norm often frightens people a bit and if they are not 100% happy in their own choices but were never able or encouraged to see any alternatives, it might have unsettled them a bit. So rather than reflecting on it and going away to have a think, they hit out at you and I daresay it felt quite threatening and unpleasant. Whereas people who made a definite decision to have a traditional relationship having consciously considered and rejected the alternatives perhaps wouldn't feel as threatened. Bear in mind they had just spent the conversation moaning about their menfolk in that tedious dull way that some people do.

Which means it's their issue and not yours and you can sleep easy in your bed.

wallypops · 05/01/2014 02:02

Another "freak" here - been married, done relationships, but certainly at this point in my life absolutely zero desire to subjugate my life to someone elses. I'm sure everyone thinks I'll grow out of it - I'm nearly 43! Really the idea of hooking up with some old geezer (of my age) doesn't tick any of my boxes. Occasional sex would be nice but not at the price of being in a relationship.

BrianTheMole · 05/01/2014 02:05

Of course you're not a freak. The person calling you that is a freaking twat though!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/01/2014 02:21

I'm about to turn 32 and I never feel compelled to date or be in a relationship.I was with my sons dad for many years,on and off,and had a couple of other short ones but they were ones that just happened.

I would never look!

So,I don't think you're weird at all.although,I know people may make you feel it as some people just cannot believe that I have no desire to go looking for someone and it's just not on my to do list!

There is a guy who I am besotted with but,hey ho!There's also a guy I met years ago and who is a friend of a friend that has started talking to me (I do like him to be fair) and has asked me to the cinema etc but I am not entirely sure - I like him but I have no desire for dating,but I know I also wouldn't mind some.... lol

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/01/2014 02:22

Thank you for this thread btw,it makes me feel much better!

niceupthedance · 05/01/2014 08:15

Just wanted to add that if you have a non-traditional way of life sometimes it can make you hyper sensitive to others' reactions. I have a child who wasn't conceived in a relationship and depending on my state of mind, the comments either roll off my back or stick in my craw. As long as you are happy with your situation, fuck everyone else's opinions.

Meerka · 05/01/2014 08:32

I was voluntarily single for many years and my god, many people really have a problem with it. Some women act like you're out to get their husbands (oh pleeeeease, ffs, I wasn't that desperate. I wasn't desperate at all; I didn't want a man at -that- point) and god, the men were like ... well the first phrase that came to mind was like flies over shit, but maybe another simile would be nicer! like .... oh I don't know, like children over mincepies. It was beyond annoying. Had to develop a new way of relating to men, a kind of standoffishness, to stop it happening.

Some people - a lot of people - really can't cope if you don't fit neatly into their box.

mammadiggingdeep · 05/01/2014 08:37

Not a freak at all.

Do you live in a city?? Just asking because I live in London and I really don't think you'd have got that reaction. In our toddler groups there's a wide spectrum of mums (and dads) and a range of relationship backgrounds. I think being a bit different from the norm is usually more accepted in cities...of maybe that's just London?

mammadiggingdeep · 05/01/2014 08:38

By 'our toddler groups' I mean the ones I visit with dd...not talking for whole of London!! :)

Lweji · 05/01/2014 08:46

28 is still young, though. I had never been in a relationship until now exH at 25.
Apart from DS, it would probably have been best to have remained single. Oh well.

Some people are quite happy by themselves and feel no need for a relationship. As some don't want children. Others don't like pets. All perfectly fine.

Blu · 05/01/2014 08:47

The dreary paucity of mind of those who find something less usual or not a carbon copy of their own lives to be 'freakish'.

saintmerryweather · 05/01/2014 08:47

I was in a relationship for 14 montgs and broke up with him a couple of years ago. Since then ive not really been motivated to go and find someone new I cant be bothered with the hassle so I know how you feel!

Lweji · 05/01/2014 08:51

Oh, and now the same as wally.
42, did relationship after ex, finished it off, and can't seem to picture being in a relationship ATM. No desire for more children. I think it would have to be a very special person.

lekkerslaap · 05/01/2014 08:56

You're quite unusual but you're not a freak and those women were very rude to say so.

Just give them a wide berth. Much nicer to have friends who accept and support you.

MasterP0 · 05/01/2014 09:38

OP, oh the joys of freeing yourself from the shackles of needing/wanting a man/relationship, etc etc etc, In a weird twisted way I actually envy you! If it works for YOU, stuff them All!

HedgehogsRevenge · 05/01/2014 09:40

Another 'freak' here! Honestly i think people who make comments like this to women who are single by choice are just threatened. They simply can't understand why we don't share their 'need' for validation from a man. Quite frankly that's their problem, not yours.

brusslesprout · 05/01/2014 10:34

I don't think you're strange at all. Most of my friends are in their late 20's and single, I would say it's pretty normal. Also live in London btw!

SolidGoldBrass · 05/01/2014 14:41

Well I'm going to turn 50 this year and I have never been married or lived with a partner. My DS' father and I are on very good terms (we had dated years ago and were very occasionally FWB which is how DS happened, unexpectedly). I've had relationships, but not for at least 10 years and never found them very satisfactory - again, what used to put me off was the idea of being someone's property and/or always taking second place.

Mind you, I live in a big city, always have done, and have always had lots of mostly 'unconventional' friends. Some people are still freaked out by me but I regard it as their problem and not mine.

Lizzabadger · 05/01/2014 14:54

They are rude and it's their issue. Let it wash over you. I am 45 and have no desire to be in a long-term relationship and I know plenty of people who are the same.

YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 05/01/2014 15:01

I've had to deal with these types before.
ignore them be proud of who you are
they are just stuck up and obviously haven't been taught how to understand and connect with people with different backgrounds. xx

maparole · 05/01/2014 15:17

I say big respect to you for being so self-aware.

I have come to realise (at 49) that I really don't like sharing my space with A.N.Other and I never should have gone along with any of the three serious relationships I have had in my life. I've always been perfectly happy single, but I let myself pretend that hitched would be better. I wish I had had your strength of character when younger.

I wonder if these women are actually happy in their marriages?

spindlyspindler · 05/01/2014 15:43

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