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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

H won't go- stepped up the manipulation another level

150 replies

PPaka · 04/01/2014 11:01

Beginning of Nov I told him to leave, he said he won't go, said we can fix things
He's a liar, cheat. Whores, strippers, fwb.
I cannot forgive or forget what he's done.
He was supposed to have found somewhere by now, I've been at my parents
He has threatened suicide
On Wed, he text me to tell me he thought he was having a heart attack, I was 5 hours away
The hospital is 10 minutes
He went to work yesterday, wouldn't go to hospital last night
Supposedly taking himself now
But all huffy and big sighs, presumably because I'm showing no emotion, didnt even go up the stairs

He's a liar, the things he's lied about before are shocking.
I have to keep telling myself it's just another controlling manipulative method
But it's so hard

Can you help me through this

OP posts:
Bigbrassband · 08/01/2014 05:34

I second the blocking idea. If you have an android phone there's an app called Mr Number which can block calls and texts from specific numbers. You can set it to delete messages from blocked numbers so you don't even have to know he's trying to contact you.

AnandaTimeIn · 08/01/2014 05:48

Listen to these wise women.

As soon as a controlling man starts trying to reel you back in by threatening suicide it's HIGH TIME to walk away and not care.

Before they take you with them!!! (Yes, it happens).

Sweetheart, this is serious, please get all the family/friends/Womens Aid you can get....

PPaka · 08/01/2014 09:16

Thanks
Going to talk to solicitor today
I'm getting more worried, really dreading stepping it up and getting anyone else involved. I'm just dreading it getting nasty

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pointythings · 08/01/2014 09:28

It will get nasty before it gets better. He's that kind, unfortunately. Every time it does, go back to your original posts and remember why you are divorcing him. Whatever happens, it will be worth it to get rid of him. You're strong and you have the vipers of MN behind you, you will get through this.

PPaka · 08/01/2014 12:57

Got solicitors appt for Friday

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AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2014 15:29

pointythings is right. It probably will get worse before it gets better. But remember that this 'worse' at least has an ending date (when the divorce is final) as opposed to the fact that your life would have continuously gotten worse, until you died, if you'd stayed with him. Yes, I know that all problems really don't magically disappear when you divorce if there are children involved, but you have the peace of knowing that you are no longer legally tied to the X, and that you lock your door at night with the X on the outside!

Good on seeing the solicitor right away. Before you go, be sure you make a list of the things you want (property, support, stop the excessive calls, the emotional blackmail threats, and such) as well as questions regarding your rights and the actual process of getting a divorce.

Although this may not work for you, my best friend asked me to go with her as an extra 'ear'. Not to 'involve' myself in her business, just to listen, take notes, and remember what she was told or prompt her if she forgot a question she wanted to ask. She was pretty much an emotional wreck and was afraid she'd have a 'brain fart' and not get (or forget) the info she needed. She went over what she wanted with me and gave me her lists beforehand. If you have a friend/relative that can 'shut up' and not insert him/herself into the conversation and who can won't gossip, you may want to think of it.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2014 15:31
  • should read 'who won't gossip', not who 'can won't gossip. Also, best of luck to you, Ppaka. Stand tall and strong!
PPaka · 09/01/2014 14:38

Hating life right now

My house is falling down around me, my marriage is in tatters, H is a liar and I'm so scared of what's around the corner
Car needs best part of 2k spending on it, can't trade it in, (which was the plan) until I know if H will give me any money
I have no money, don't know how I'm going to pay solicitor
She wants £500 tomorrow
I might qualify for legal aid, if I can prove emotional abuse
I think I kept the letter from the police, but it's not an official caution
I think I have documentation from doctors and counselling about his behaviour
If I don't qualify, that's it, I have no money for advice.
What else do I need to take with me?
I'm going to get all the finances written down

I'm constantly holding back tears
My eyes are so sore

I'm fucked

Oh and he text this morning saying he was going into work late, so couldn't phone ds.
So that means he was out on the piss last night, probably making good use of the hotel room. Nice
I'm not responding

And I got sky bill, with £20 worth of porn channels. Charming

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Jux · 09/01/2014 15:41

Bastard. Block him on your phone except for appointed times.
Get on to CSA now; it takes a while to go through but they'll date it from when you contact them I think. If he decides in the meantime to give you more, you can always stop the claim.
Call Women's Aid. They'll give you moral support in rl, as well as good advice.
The doctor and counsellor and police will have copies, so even if you have lost your docs they will be able to provide them.

Could you just trade the car in and get a cheap old banger for now until you're more sorted?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2014 15:54

I don't mean to sound trite, but it's always darkest before the dawn. Try to prioritize. What is most important right now? Shelter, food, legal advice. Other things may have to wait. Is this month's mortgage paid? Is there food in the house? Yes? Good. That's 2 things you don't have to worry about today. One step at a time.

DO tell him you want money and how much you want. Tell him what you need per month to keep the house running and that's what you expect. He owes you, remember that. Yes, he may refuse, but at least you'll know where you stand.

Do you have joint banking? Do you have legal access? If so, go to the bank and withdraw half of what's there and open your own account. If that's legal to do in the UK, of course. At the very least, withdraw what you need for the next few days, if you can.

Apply for legal aid. And call the solicitor and just explain, maybe she'll work with you, maybe not.

Apply for any/all income assistance you may be eligible for. I don't know the ins & outs of the benefits system in the UK but it seems to me you are the what it was designed for. Someone who has suddenly had their financial support taken out from under them. Now is not a time to worry about being 'on benefits'. Now is the time to do what you have to.

As far as the car repairs, put that on the back burner for now, if possible, to worry about later. The sky bill? I think that's like our cable or satellite TV? Maybe you'll have to let that go for now, if you can. Again, prioritize.

Is it at all possible to work part time? I don't know how realistic that is for you, or if it's advisable. In the US it impacts the amount of support you receive.

I think I've seen people on MN advise people to call something called 'Women's Aid'? If it's like our US women's shelters they are invaluable in providing advice and referrals. And lean on friends or family, if you can. Talk to someone, don't isolate yourself. And don't be too proud to share your troubles with a friend or relative. You need emotional support almost as much as you need financial support.

You are NOT fucked, by any means. Yes, you are facing a rough time. But remember, now you have peace (or you will soon). Your home is now void of the turmoil he caused by just being there. Before the kids get up in the morning, feel the quiet. At night after they're in bed, sit for a bit and remember that you aren't sitting there wondering when he'll walk in, drunk or stinking of someone else's perfume. Your door is locked and your home is peaceful. Not worry-free, I know, but peaceful. And that peace will remain as long as you are strong and live one day at a time until this gets sorted. Give yourself some slack. You took the first step and got him out. "You done good" as we say here.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2014 15:56

Ha! Jux said what I did, but much more succinctly!

PPaka · 09/01/2014 22:20

Thank you
I think things just got on top of me today
I just can't stop thinking about money
I'm so worried
We're not going to starve. I need to get things into perspective
I need a job

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pointythings · 09/01/2014 22:36

You are allowed to worry, you have had a huge shock. Getting a job is definitely a good idea - it will not just give you money, it will give you some 'fuck you' independence.

You will have more wobbly moments, but you will get through this and out the other side.

happytalk13 · 10/01/2014 03:24

In addition to the advice you've had so far...Get yourself on to the job centre and say you need an appointment with a lone parent advisor. You can claim for tax credits and get advice on anything else you may be eligible for.

As for legal aid - apply and see what happens.

Keep all contact from now on through email only - you're going to need evidence of any games he starts to play - and it could prove invaluable plus also to protect yourself if he starts with the oh-so-predictable behaviour of lying about your conduct during the next few months.

Above all - remain polite and detached.

PPaka · 10/01/2014 20:07

Saw the solicitor today, I got through it all really well until we got to the finances and then I kinda fell apart
She was great

Then I talked to my mum
Feel so much better now
She said she knows if I've got to this point I must have tried everything

Friend coming over tonight for drinks and laughs

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2014 22:15

I'm so glad you had a good day. And glad you talked to your mum.

Have fun tonight.

PPaka · 11/01/2014 08:38

So, shall we have a guess what time he'll turn up today to see his son?
Stupidly I haven't arranged a time, but actually I think it will be really telling what time he turns up

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PPaka · 11/01/2014 09:34

Because if it was me I'd be here before ds woke up to snuggle in beside him

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PPaka · 11/01/2014 09:50

He's not answering his phone
Ds just left him a message

This is really mean

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Whocansay · 11/01/2014 10:17

I would leave another message saying that if you haven't heard from him by 11am you will assume he isn't coming. And go out. And switch you phone off.

Allergictoironing · 11/01/2014 11:08

Be fair Whocansay - he's a guy, probably won't be out of bed until mid day at the earliest. I'd do exactly the same text but give him another hour - poor little lamb will be tired after a week at work screwing anything available and staying in a hotel so no housework [sarcasm mode off]

Cantabile · 11/01/2014 12:02

3ish, without further prompting, is my guess.

PPaka · 11/01/2014 12:13

He got here about 11

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pointythings · 11/01/2014 13:43

Just shows you he is sooooo desperate to see his DS, doesn't it? Next time I'd tell him 'get here by X time or we will be out'. And then be out if he's late.

PPaka · 11/01/2014 14:22

Well he's been very amenable
Talked about different options for rental
So fingers crossed
My dad called when he was here, I felt awful cos he was so sad for me. H saw that too

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