H won't go- stepped up the manipulation another level

[PPaka]

Beginning of Nov I told him to leave, he said he won't go, said we can fix things
He's a liar, cheat. Whores, strippers, fwb.
I cannot forgive or forget what he's done.
He was supposed to have found somewhere by now, I've been at my parents
He has threatened suicide
On Wed, he text me to tell me he thought he was having a heart attack, I was 5 hours away
The hospital is 10 minutes
He went to work yesterday, wouldn't go to hospital last night
Supposedly taking himself now
But all huffy and big sighs, presumably because I'm showing no emotion, didnt even go up the stairs

He's a liar, the things he's lied about before are shocking.
I have to keep telling myself it's just another controlling manipulative method
But it's so hard

Can you help me through this

Acrossthepond- I don't like that story

Are you aware that he can only control you if you let him?

He cant argue if you dont argue back. He cant stop you doing anything, or make you do anything, unless you let him. He can strop and sulk and threaten suicide as much as he likes but the fact is, unless you give in to his blackmail there is NOTHING he can do.

I suggest that you simply ignore him. Let him sort out his own food, washing etc and do not engage. When he realises that you will not rise to his attempted manipulation he will soon get bored and that is when he will move out. Sadly, without a court order you can't force him out, but what you can do is make life so crap for him while he is there that he wants to leave. And in the meantime get your solicitor on the case for the court order.

Oh and if he threatens suicide again I suggest you call 101 and tell them that you are worried after what he said. A swift bollocking from the police should stop that little trick in its tracks.

Hopefully if I get through this weekend it'll be ok
I think he will go, but it will just take some time to sink in
Bogey- yes I shouldn't react/respond but it's so hard not to call him on his bullshit

Oh I know, I had similar with my ex, I had to literally bite the insides of my mouth at times to stop reacting.

I found saying the same thing over and over helped such as "As I have said, our marriage is over so there is no point discussing X" it drove him to distraction that I simply would not engage.

I second the broken record approach. it works with toddlers and frankly, your STBXH is not far off that level, is he?

Start packing his stuff for him. He will need a bit of a push

God give me strength

He told me tonight that he would suffer anything, cut off his arm if he could take back the hurt
Well, yes, I'd probably do that too, cut off my own arm if it meant I could forget your bullshit from the last 5 years.
But it's bit going to happen is it? So it's fucking pointless, it means nothing
Instead why don't you actually do something, yes physically do something that will help, you know like something I've asked, like fucking moving out
Or no, why don't you hang around and make me more miserable, because its what you want

He's making it very clear that he doesn't care what you want. He is only interested in himself. A decent man who had made a mistake would be doing anything you asked, including moving out straight away.
Just ignore this man completely; leave the room when he speaks, don't answer the phone to him if he's out of the house. You've told him the marriage is over, you don't need to engage any further. He won't be obliging enough to actually die.

Did you hand him a saw? Take photos if he does it won't you?.... worth a mint in the darker corners of YouTube

Sgb and cogito ...

Well, yes, I'd probably do that too, cut off my own arm if it meant I could forget your bullshit from the last 5 years.

did you say that too him? Because it's really nicely put!

"That's nice, when are you moving out?"

I did say that Meerka

Because I had to point out that it's just words

Stop engaging!

He will keep going with this because he knows that you will respond and eventually he thinks he will wear you down enough so you let him stay and do whatever he likes just to shut him up.

As Random says "Thats nice, when are you moving out?" is the perfect response to anything he says. Broken record technique.

Well I haven't spoken to him today, mainly because he didnt get up til 12.45

How/why is that notable ?

Lovey, disengage

I am not sure you are getting it.

OP - this link might help you see why disengaging is so very important for your sanity and general wellbeing

lightshouse.org/lights-blog/why-its-smart-to-let-toxic-people-have-the-last-word#axzz2pXlbKMDh

I'm sorry PPaka. I didn't mean to upset you, really. I think I was just trying to point out that you need to decide what is really important to you (keeping the house vs keeping your sanity) and I guess I didn't do it in the right way. You are in a really tough position, especially if it's important to you to keep your house. And I totally understand you wanting to do that! It would be easy if all you had to do to be rid of him was to move, yourself. But if you really want to keep the house, you have a tough row to hoe. It isn't easy to ignore someone who is right next to you, loudly and pointedly demanding your attention. It's frustrating to try to remain silent instead of answering back. Is there anyone who has any influence on him? Anyone who can help give you any leverage in moving him out? Right now he's in the catbird seat. He knows he doesn't really have to go anywhere and that, unfortunately, he has all the time he wants to try to wear you down. If there's no way, legally or illegally (like changing the locks?) to make him leave, your only hope is to find someone (family member, friend, solicitor) who can reach him and make him see the truth.

It was relevant because I thought he might get out of bed and do something with his son who he's hardly seen for 3 weeks
Acrossthepond, don't worry, I'm not upset, but it's something to keep in the back of my mind. But he would get into trouble if mortgage wasn't paid as its linked up to his work
If he gave up work, everything would have to go on the market immediately.
Also I just read that someone's divorce cost £25k because everything was contested. I don't want that either
Happytalk, thanks for that link, it's v true
But it's very hard when in the same house
It'll be easier, he's booked hotel

His relationship with his son is his own affair.

Glad to hear he's booked a hotel....don't let him wheedle back in once he's gone. I'd be inclined to change the locks.

As AF said - it's not up to you to be the keeper of his paternal relationship with his son; that's his business. Him mucking about not bothering is likely to be another way to try to get you to engage because he knows it will bother you - exH still pulls this shit almost 3 years since he walked out of our lives. Leave him to it.

Have you laid actual eyes on this hotel booking ?

You dont have to change the locks, that isnt legal but you can add a lock and then "forget" to give him a key.

Bogeyface, I like the way you think!

Ppaka, I hope he goes to the hotel pronto. You need breathing space and time to think!

Well he's gone
But not after reverting to type last night
Shouting, threatening to resign, threatening suicide, why should he get kicked out of the house that He has worked hard to pay for, blah blah
I'm exhausted