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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH said he's thinking of leaving me and I don't know if I can change his mind.

96 replies

TickledOnion · 03/01/2014 22:02

I've never posted in relationships before as I thought I had a perfectly happy if slightly dull marriage.

DH and I have been together 13 years, married for 5, 2 DDs (age 2 and 4). Recently we've been snapping at each other more than normal, focussing entirely on the DDs and almost ignoring each other once they've gone to bed and hardly having any physical contact. And unbeknown to me he has been incredibly stressed and upset about it and came to the conclusion that the only solution would be to leave me before we ended up resenting each other and being completely miserable.

I am not at all intuitive (which he knows) and he was very good at hiding his feelings but it all came out on new year's eve. I was completely thrown by it and devastated. I cried a lot and begged him to reconsider. We had a very long heart to heart and lots of hugs and more crying. I said that we could work it out and that I would do anything to make him stay but he said he wasn't sure he still loved me. I really think we just need to make time for each other and make an effort to enjoy ourselves without the DDs. We both said we felt much closer after all the talking and hugging.

Unfortunately he had to go away for work the next day for a few days. We've talked lots more than normal on the phone and he seems to be reconsidering. I don't know what I will do if he doesn't. I am holding it together for the DDs but I cannot imagine life without him. I love him so much and am so ashamed it has got so bad.

OP posts:

Report

EekyBeaky · 08/01/2014 20:31

OP, how has it been since he returned from work?

TickledOnion · 16/02/2014 20:38

I'm back. I disappeared from MN for a while as I didn't want to read all the "I told you so"s.

He came back from the work trip and admitted he had feelings for someone else. An ex girlfriend who lives 200 miles away. They had been in touch for a while and he had gone to see here though nothing had happened.

He agreed we should go to counselling and he has since had some individual sessions. Things seemed to be improving. We were talking more, hugging occasionally and being nicer to each other.

Then he went on a skiing trip with some mates. He came back and we had a long chat the night after he returned where he told me that he loved our time as a family but the thought of being with me alone was making him so stressed out that he felt sick. He has been sleeping at his mum's for a couple of nights and coming back in the morning before the DDs get up.

He admits it's selfish and that I have done nothing wrong and that he owes it to us all to give our marriage another go but he can't see his feelings towards me changing. He says he doesn't dislike me, he just doesn't love me.

I am heartbroken. I can't imagine a future without him.

OP posts:

Sortyourmakeupout · 16/02/2014 20:46

Im sorry to read your update tickled.

I have been there.

did he really go away with friends?

TickledOnion · 16/02/2014 20:48

Yes, it was a boys holiday with his brothers and other blokes. There are photos on fb.

OP posts:

LillyAlien · 16/02/2014 20:53

did he really go away with friends

My first thought too OP. Sorry.

You will make it. You might make it as a couple. But right now you need to remember to look after yourself and your kids. His needs, issues, problems and desires aren't your upfront concern any more.

honey86 · 16/02/2014 20:57

Iknow by experience theres sod all i can say to make this hurt any less... But ((hugs)). My stomach turns when i read that, i know how cutting it is getting rejected over someone else. I actually was throwing up when i found out. far as im concerned any contact with another woman where attraction is concerned, that is kept from his partner, constitutes cheating. Its an emotional affair. And devastating nevertheless xx

scornedwoman67 · 16/02/2014 21:14

tickled

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/02/2014 21:19

Op, he says nothing happened but he went and stayed with her, right?

And now he can't be intimate with you?

You know they had an affair.

Don't beg for him back, not while he's lying to you. You deserve better than this.

Sortyourmakeupout · 16/02/2014 21:22

Years ago my dh (then boyfriend) was contacted by an ex gf through friends reunited. To cut a long story short, I knew nothihg until he told me he didnt think we would make it. I had two months before moved hundreds of miles to live with him so it was a bolt out of the blue.

I really feel for you.

I would ask him to leave at this stage. Get back some control. At the moment it seems your in this terrible limbo stage where its all about pleasing him to make him want to stay.

EverythingCounts · 16/02/2014 21:24

So sorry OP. He has behave badly and is sticking to the line about not having feelings for you to excuse what he's done. He should have been open with you before this, not slunk off to see some old flame, whatever did or didn't happen as part of that.

Are you a SAHM? I agree with the poster on the previous page who said he has not thought through all the implications of separating. It is worth pointing out to him that all the 'family time' he values will go in the future if this is what he wants - there will be time when he has the DC and time when you do. And he may imagine he will be able to get the best of both worlds and have time with his kids and also another woman - point out that it won't be as easy as that.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/02/2014 21:30

Don't let him walk in and out your home - he can see the kids at his mums on Saturday. He chose to pursue this ow - show him how it is to be a single parent. He doesn't seem to realise that yet.

TickledOnion · 16/02/2014 21:48

He has definitely not thought out the implications of separating. He says he has no plans to be with the OW and she has no plans to leave her DH. He reckons the DDs and I can stay in the family home and that he will come round in the mornings to help get them ready for school and in the evenings to help with bathtime and bedtime. Don't know what he thinks we would do at weekends. I told him this was ridiculous.

It's such a weird situation because we haven't fallen out and we never argue. We had a nice weekend together as a family. It just ends when the girls go to bed.

OP posts:

Minime85 · 16/02/2014 21:52

I am so sorry to read what you are going through. to go back to an earlier post from memysoni I think it was, you will be ok. which ever way it goes, you will get through. I'm on the other side of it now, being told what you were in July last yr, that he didn't love me anymore. battling along for a few months to say I couldn't live this way anymore make your decision and admit u want to leave. he did. but I had given it everything I could so I know when my dcs are older I can say I tried to save it.
get all the RL support u can. I did start to sort my finances out too in case it came to it to make sure me and dcs would be ok.
thinking of u

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/02/2014 21:55

Show him he is being ridiculous. Show him what he has chosen. He wants your relationship over so give him that. Don't do things together. No more mornings, no more evenings. You need space to grieve.

He is treating you v v badly. You need to get some control back.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 16/02/2014 21:55

Tickled oh heavens, don't agree to that arrangement!! When STBXH and I first separated, he was here almost daily due to child care arrangements and school runs and it just about did my head in. And that allows him to have his cake and eat it too, really.

He needs to understand that a separation means exactly that - he sees the DCs a couple times a week. It's not fair to tie yourself to him like that. He can't have it both ways.

EverythingCounts · 16/02/2014 22:08

Agree with the posts above. Tell him that if being with you is so offputting to him, he has to accept that you will be making a new life for yourself and while the girls will be in his life, that means no hanging round the house every day, as then he gets to walk away and you are forever there waiting on him to do what he wants to do. Not on.

TickledOnion · 16/02/2014 22:21

I understand what you are all saying and I know I am going to sound like a doormat, but I can't do that to him yet. I am going to see how counselling goes.

OP posts:

Minime85 · 16/02/2014 22:35

you dont sound like a doormat, you sound like someone who is fighting for her marriage, which is right if he is fighting as much as you. I think you have to try everything you can. but it can only work if that's how you are both approaching it. I hope it turns out well for you. I really do.

Sortyourmakeupout · 16/02/2014 23:06

You dont sound like your a doormat at all.

Offred · 17/02/2014 00:48

Tickled, my h and I split in sept and have the same arrangement your h is proposing and it is working for us.

I think it works because we did publicly split and told the children we were splitting.

They came with him to see his new bedsit. He sleeps there but spends most of his time in the family home. We do some family things and some things apart, he has time with the dc at the weekend and I see them in the week while he is at work (SAHM).

It is only working because we are all comfortable with it. The amount of time we spend together would be awful for all involved if we weren't comfortable so if you aren't you need to propose something different and I think if he wants to split then you need to do it publicly and tell the children. It will be awful for everyone if you just pretend to be together.

WhateverTrevor83 · 17/02/2014 01:08

So sorry to read update OP.
The thought of him swanning in and out of your home makes me feel very angry on your behalf.

Good luck with the counselling. Rest assured you haven't been the one to be unfaithful or cruel so hold your head up high. Make sure you're doing small things for yourself if you have the money/time - even if it's just a soak in the bath or getting yourself some flowers etc. Little things can make a big difference in situations like this.

Sounds like the ex is symptomatic of other stuff - and I'm sorry to hear she has a clueless DH that potentially will be feeling the way you are now soon.

You sound like a brave woman - try not to be hard on yourself and I'm sorry you've had to put up with this especially after he's been ponsing about on holiday! Surprised he went given the shitstorm he's just created.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/02/2014 09:59

He admits it's selfish and that I have done nothing wrong and that he owes it to us all to give our marriage another go but he can't see his feelings towards me changing. He says he doesn't dislike me, he just doesn't love me.

He has led you an un-merry dance, hasn't he, "owes it to us all to give our marriage another go" wow that's big of him. I agree with him, he doesn't love you, he will be poison. The sooner you can cure yourself of him, the better. "Nothing happened" with the ex gf, oh as if.

Counselling is paying lip service to the image building, "I tried my best but it didn't work out". That way he still gets to play Mr Nice Guy who gave it a shot but it just didn't work out.

He has barely given your DDs a thought in this, has he. Coming round in the morning and evening to help out, he will confuse them and give you false hope.

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WhateverTrevor83 · 17/02/2014 16:18

Make a trip to the docs to get checked over as well OP - in case he has been having u/sex x

Sortyourmakeupout · 17/02/2014 16:25

He is probably suggesting hd come arouhd every morning/evening to help with kids is to ease his own guilt.

this arrangement wont last and at some stage it will have to stop.

badbaldingballerina123 · 17/02/2014 16:36

You might find the following usefully Op .

talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

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