DH said he's thinking of leaving me and I don't know if I can change his mind.

[TickledOnion]

I've never posted in relationships before as I thought I had a perfectly happy if slightly dull marriage.

DH and I have been together 13 years, married for 5, 2 DDs (age 2 and 4). Recently we've been snapping at each other more than normal, focussing entirely on the DDs and almost ignoring each other once they've gone to bed and hardly having any physical contact. And unbeknown to me he has been incredibly stressed and upset about it and came to the conclusion that the only solution would be to leave me before we ended up resenting each other and being completely miserable.

I am not at all intuitive (which he knows) and he was very good at hiding his feelings but it all came out on new year's eve. I was completely thrown by it and devastated. I cried a lot and begged him to reconsider. We had a very long heart to heart and lots of hugs and more crying. I said that we could work it out and that I would do anything to make him stay but he said he wasn't sure he still loved me. I really think we just need to make time for each other and make an effort to enjoy ourselves without the DDs. We both said we felt much closer after all the talking and hugging.

Unfortunately he had to go away for work the next day for a few days. We've talked lots more than normal on the phone and he seems to be reconsidering. I don't know what I will do if he doesn't. I am holding it together for the DDs but I cannot imagine life without him. I love him so much and am so ashamed it has got so bad.

[thecatfromjapan]

By the way, people really can just get very, very scared, and feel out of their emotional depth. They can behave very badly. And there can be a way back.

The trick is a. distinguishing that scenario from something a lot more cruel and b. then being able to get the courage and distance (from where??!!!??) to be firm for both of you.

I think it is often women who end up being the ones who have to pull it all together, be the emotionally literate ones, be brave and optimistic in the face of having their self-esteem crushed (frankly) and their nerves somewhat shredded. And I am really not sure I approve of that, to be honest. But there you go. I think it can be filed in a subsection of "The Wife-work Debate".

If it's an affair/him being awful - that is a whole other story.

[CooCooCachoo]

OP I could have been your DH 6 months ago. I said very similar to my DH, he was blindsided completely, agreed that things weren't great but not to the point that we needed to split up.

He made me see that I was overreacting, although this did take some time as I was convinced the only way forward was to divorce. I agreed that we needed to try and work on the bits of our marriage that were falling apart and he agreed that he needed to learn to show that he still cared enough about me for me to want to stay.

It sounds like your DH is also reconsidering what might have been a rash statement because, like me, he doesn't really want to leave but knows something needs to change. Really hope the both of you can't get talking and figure out where the bums are. Me and DH are on the road to recovery now but still have a way to go.

[TickledOnion]

Thanks thecatfromjapan and InTheRedCorner. It's good to know there may be a way back from this and what to be wary of.

[CooCooCachoo]

Bumps not bums....

[TickledOnion]

That's good to hear CooCooCachoo. Hope things continue to get better for you.

[auberginesrus]

Hi OP,
Am in a v similar situation myself except my dh has left it until he has found someone else to be interested in (although he swears nothing has happened). We have been together for 16 years and married for 13, with two ds aged 5 and 10. It is 5 weeks since we had "the talk", it has taken me two weeks to persuade him to go for counselling then due to xmas and ny, our first appointment is not until next week. Christmas was pretty hard. Will be interested to hear how things work out for you. Strangely since it has all been out in the open we have been snapping at each other a lot less and day to day life has been much more pleasant. Still can't bear the thought of being without him though.

[snowed]

Relate can offer counselling and advice.

[Tonandfeather]

I've had a few friends go through this.

Their husbands said there was no-one else.

They were lying.

All of them regularly worked away from home too.

[scaevola]

Like Fairylea I read the bit in the OP about progressive distance between you (based on his withdrawal) and hiatus in physical intimacy as affair related. It's a horrible prospect, but not one to be completely dismissed - after all, you said he's good at hiding things and as you've had no reason to suspect then would you have noticed?

I think you need to know whether he is in or out of this marriage. If he needs time to figure it out, then having him elsewhere until he does so is exactly the right thing to do.

You are stronger than you think, you've made your shock and devastation known. Do nothing more. Paint on a brave face, do not jump through hoops. Do not beg, plead, or try to fix him. Put absolutely all your energy into your DC and your hobbies. Wail here, or to RL close friends instead. Let him see only what he's missing - a good family life and a lovely woman.

Tell him only that if he recommits 100%, then you'll consider working on it. Be just welcoming enough that making a first step isn't excessively daunting for him. But I suspect the route back to any feeling of security for you begins with him being the one to see just how stupid a mistake he's making and showing that he really wants in.

Then you work on it together. It can be done.

[bestsonever]

Could there be a link between coming up with this bombshell then going away with 'work' the next day for a few days. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who has considered this?

[Tonandfeather]

Just about the worst thing to do is to stay and try to persuade him that he loves you. Those friends were apoplectic, embarrassed at themselves and furious that they put themselves at risk of sexual disease by having lots of 'stay with me!' sex with men who were having unprotected sex elsewhere.

I've never known anyone admit to seeing someone else when they haven't volunteered the info already in the 'I don't know if I love you' speech. You do realise how common this is when there's an affair, right down to the words used in your post? The only way to find out for sure is by doing some detective work, but the most important thing is to separate. Whether you find an affair or not.

[cjel]

Evening OP. I'm sorry to have to say it but I think there must be someone who has made him reconsider his love for you and just because he is away for work doesn't mean hes alone, or not in contact with someone else at least.

[LadyGardenersQuestionTime]

Have only really read your op but on the basis of that from my own experience have two suggestions

1. separate Relate counselling to start with, with a view to joint counselling later
   
2. give him space to think and breathe. Don't beg or force things or be constantly in his face, give him a bit of room so he can take a long term perspective - and do the same thing yourself. Consider how things have come to this, what has changed since your happiest times together, what you really want for your futures.

[MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir]

OP, my dp swore to me that there was no-one else involved. Then I discovered that there was.

A man rarely leaves a marriage without someone else to go to.

I sincerely hope that he is one in a million and that you can sort things out.

[MyChildDoesntNeedSleep]

I could have written your story three years ago, OP.

I also would have bet my life that there was nobody else. He always came straight home from work, and was with me all the time when he was off.

Our story was the same, living as housemates/co-parents towards the end...didn't realise he was so unhappy until he had started thinking about leaving.

Anyhoo...it finally came out that he had exchanged phone numbers with a woman at his work Xmas party. They had never met up, but had exchanged texts. She was in an unhappy relationship also and they texted back and forth about it. When he finally left me in September and told her, he never heard from her again. So it was never an affair, but there was a woman there that gave him the impetus to leave. I really believe that if she hadn't been on the scene, we might have stood a chance.

Anyway, this long-winded story is to tell you that even though you might think there is no way on earth that there is someone else, it's not out of the question, and probably the answer.

For what it's worth, three years later , my xh completely regrets it, but we're divorced and I'm very happy the way my life is now. I never would have thought I'd say that a couple of years ago. Search my username and there's probably some angst-filled posts there! XH and I get on so well, people around us think we're weird!

[TurnipCake]

Very harsh timing to drop an emotional bombshell at your doorstep and then go away for work leaving you to pick up pieces of yourself and think of ways you can save your marriage and persuade him to stay.

I'm sorry OP, but I think he probably checked out a long time ago and I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else involved acting as a stepping stone.

[Tonandfeather]

I re-read your post again and am chilled at the similarity with what my friends said.

This bit especially: "Recently we've been snapping at each other more than normal, focussing entirely on the DDs and almost ignoring each other once they've gone to bed and hardly having any physical contact."

That's what was going on in their relationships too. They thought it was their fault, but looking back to some of the silly arguments that were arriving out of nowhere, they were because of the tension in the house and because their husbands had just checked out of the relationships. They stopped doing nice things, kept forgetting to do normal everyday jobs and this created arguments.

I remember one friend saying that she could no longer trust her husband to post letters or remember to pick things up like drycleaning and what was worse he didn't seem to care when she asked him why. His 'so what?' attitude was infuriating her and him never saying sorry for these mess ups.

She thought he was having some sort of breakdown because of work stress but when he wouldn't go to a physician, she got more and more angry as his failure to do anything properly at all was making life so hard for her and doubling her workload. So when he did the 'we're not getting on lately and I don't know if I still love you' bombshell she agreed they weren't relating well, but blamed herself for getting so fed up with his cack-handedness and forgetfulness.

The arguments and the absent-mindedness coincided with his affair starting with a co-worker.

[Angloamerican]

I could have written Coocoochacoo's post. I said the same thing to my husband very recently. And he was equally blindsided (much to my amazement, honestly.) I am actually five months' pregnant with our third child, and I think my husband only truly listened when I said, "The prospect of being a single, pregnant mother of two scares me less than the thought of being this unhappy for the rest of my life." Coocoochachoo's post really describes our situation perfectly. We are working on things, but we are not out of the woods yet.

[Angloamerican]

I forgot to add - I really hope that you two can work this out. But as a previous poster said, you will survive even if you don't.

[Lizzabadger]

I am sorry but this really does have the hallmarks of an affair.

Of course he will deny and deny as he doesn't want to look like the bad guy.

I wouldn't try to do anything at all to try to "keep" him. Definitely don't plead anymore or offer to change anything. It's not going to help and you may as well hang on to your dignity.

Hold your head up high, gather real-life support and seek legal advice.

So sorry you are going through this.

[horsetowater]

I think you should ask him to visualise picking up his children every other weekend, dropping them off again and how he will feel cooking his own meal for one while you are at home cooking a meal for 3 and posssibly another adult.

He's not thought this through. Btw, having children age 2 and 4 is probably the most stressful time in a family, lovely, but consumes nearly all your energy. It does get less demanding as they get olderr and you learn how to cope better.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Your story is all too familiar

Think about it...

Why is he sure he cannot fix things? Why isn't he suggesting ways of improving the relationship? Why isn't he booking counselling?

Its because he has already checked out of the marriage and has someone else.

My advice is to do some digging around - check emails, phone bills etc. At the same time pull the rug from under him - he does not get to decide what happen to you and you ask for some time and space to consider if you want to still be married to someone who doesn't love you anymore.

[EekyBeaky]

OP, I was in the same boat as you about 3 years ago with a partner. Sounds like odd but he just went totally 'cold' and distant from within a short space if time. I couldn't possibly believe there was anyone else involved because I genuinely thought he was a really good guy and, whilst he clearly didn't love me, certainly wouldn't have wanted to hurt me (syrely) not after I had done nothing but help and support him when he relocated/ had a tough job etc etc.

Anyway, sadly like other posters here, how wrong I was. He had been seeing a work colleague for months. It totally explained why he had gone so distant but why he was emotional with me (guilt). I think he also tried to make me walk away by telling me he didn't love me so that he didn't have to do the leaving.

I am therefore minded to agree with other posters that your DH is probably up to something. You do need to try and get to the bottom if it as, quite frankly, if he is with someone else and setting you up for the inevitable walk out, no amount if time or energy on your part will fix this. I feel so sad for you. He's being an arse.

Am I right in thinking that your DH is a pilot? Thus away from home a lot? Can you establish if he was genuinely at work immediately after NY. Do some digging (I found a second mobile phone). I found out my partner at the time took his new fling for a romantic weekend away in the middle of our 'crisis talks'! It was like he needed to double check that leaving me for her was the right thing to do.
Guys do not want to be in their own - in my view they will only ever leave for something else. I think that could be try here. Keep us posted because we care.

Sending you love x

[auberginesrus]

Wondered how you are getting on OP? Have been thinking about you!

[Bogeyface]

Sorry but "I am thinking of leaving" just before he goes away for a few days is screaming at me that he is giving himself permission to have sex with someone else. He probably hasnt done it yet, but if he does do it when he is away then he can say "Well I did tell you that we were over so it wasnt cheating!".

Sorry.