DH said he's thinking of leaving me and I don't know if I can change his mind.

[TickledOnion]

I've never posted in relationships before as I thought I had a perfectly happy if slightly dull marriage.

DH and I have been together 13 years, married for 5, 2 DDs (age 2 and 4). Recently we've been snapping at each other more than normal, focussing entirely on the DDs and almost ignoring each other once they've gone to bed and hardly having any physical contact. And unbeknown to me he has been incredibly stressed and upset about it and came to the conclusion that the only solution would be to leave me before we ended up resenting each other and being completely miserable.

I am not at all intuitive (which he knows) and he was very good at hiding his feelings but it all came out on new year's eve. I was completely thrown by it and devastated. I cried a lot and begged him to reconsider. We had a very long heart to heart and lots of hugs and more crying. I said that we could work it out and that I would do anything to make him stay but he said he wasn't sure he still loved me. I really think we just need to make time for each other and make an effort to enjoy ourselves without the DDs. We both said we felt much closer after all the talking and hugging.

Unfortunately he had to go away for work the next day for a few days. We've talked lots more than normal on the phone and he seems to be reconsidering. I don't know what I will do if he doesn't. I am holding it together for the DDs but I cannot imagine life without him. I love him so much and am so ashamed it has got so bad.

[aw11]

OP, ask him to move out. Let him have the kids as much as is possible and fair, but seperate. If he really doesn't want to make it work right now begging him back won't help. If there is another woman on the scene then it's even less likely.

Give it atleast four months after he moves out so a routine of being seperated is established. Be pleasent to him, but only talk about the kids. After those four months (or more whatever) if you still want him back, and you still think you two could make it work, have a chat and think about it.

[CharleneFarrell]

You are picking up the dregs here OP.

Don't humiliate yourself.

[JaceyBee]

Badbaldingballerina - your posts speak a lot of sense. But 'tart' seriously? what year is this again?!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

The arrangement he is proposing would be fine if you both felt the same way.

But you don't.

You still love him. You still want your marriage to work on a romantic basis.

And he knows that.

All of this means that he is being UNBELIEVABLY cruel to you in expecting to continue "family" life as though he never left, but to walk out the door as soon as the children are gone to bed (to live his single life while you are stuck at home).

The sheer rejection of that - that he can be with you when your children are about but can't even bear an hour in your company otherwise - is unbearably hurtful.

If he was a decent chap who was trying to conduct an amicable split, he would be taking your feelings and your emotional wellbeing into account.

He is not.

He is being a selfish shit and pleasing himself every way at your expense.

Please, please put a stop to this. It's not right.

[Upnotdown]

Please don't let him do this to you OP.

My DP and I have just witnessed a horrible close family member go through something similar - it's been awful. It's resolved now - after the 'not sure I love you' speech, her DP of 30 years came home after being found out and moving straight in with OW, ruined Christmas, then went again last week with the same 'not sure I love you' announcement. Wants to be friends, bought her a birthday card/present, wont hand his keys over etc. He's with someone a couple of years older than his teenage daughter.

What I'm trying to say is, he doesn't want to be your friend, he wants to keep you sweet. There's a big difference. He wants you to say nice things about him or stay tight-lipped and obedient - not tell everyone what he's done. He wants your sympathy and understanding.

While he thinks you're a walkover, he'll keep his reasonable face on. The minute you cut him off/bite back you'll see the real picture. And it WILL shock you.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

In your op you said you had done lots of talking and felt better about everything and then he went off to see his ow.

Now you've done lots of talking and he's convinced you to stay the little woman at home, keeping everything going for him, while he gets to dip in and out of family life and can carry on shagging ow and whoever. V nice for him too.

I can't see why you set the bar so low for you. I would have no interest in sharing breakfast and bath time with someone who has cruelly moved on.

[Offred]

I suspect his suggestion is designed to help him avoid taking responsibility for his choices tbh. He needs to readjust and consider how his choices in the past have affected his relationships and how that in turn will affect his future choices. It is not a punishment but in all situations what should be done is what's best for dc and what's best for dc is rarely a home full of tension (which is what he proposes really and isn't what I have).

[Offred]

I think you need proper space from each other. His actions have caused this after all and he will have to suck it up re dc for the dc sake I think.

[Offred]

Objectively unreasonable!

[Offred]

I'm not sure it will work for you tbh which is what I really meant to say. It has been tough for us even though we have quite an agreeable relationship. There wasn't the ow issue in our situation.

What I was trying to get at, probably quite rubbishly, is that it is possible to do it the way he suggests given the right circumstances, but it doesn't sound like it will be possible in your circumstances and that, although what he suggests might not be objectively reasonable, it isn't reasonable for your family.

Even though it is right for ours it has been tough, it has the potential to be very damaging for the dc if it isn't suitable.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He has definitely not thought out the implications of separating. He says he has no plans to be with the OW and she has no plans to leave her DH.

I don't want to pile on the agony OP but I sincerely hope he is not taking you for a ride.

[badbaldingballerina123]

I suspect Op that you are hoping in time his feelings will change .

This is cake eating at its worst and you cannot believe a word he says . You are dealing with someone who has lied to you , cheated on you , manipulated and emotionally abused you . The only thing that motivates cheaters is loss . From his perspective there is absolutely no reason to stop what he's doing .

Should you expose the affair to his tarts partner and kick him out you can guarantee he will suddenly realise what he's done . Has he convinced you to keep this a secret from friends and family , and your dcs ?

I'm sorry Op .

[tessa6]

I am sorry to say that this sounds like a situation where he will be able to continue having an affair but from the comfort of his home, not having to move out or lose his children or lose the relationship he has with you. It is probably just too much to imagine doing everything at once for him. I would consider the implications for your mental health of living with him and you both seeing other people.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Continuing to live together may work for some people , but in my opinion this is very rare as people often have different agendas for doing so .

I lived with my H for over a year after we split and it was truly horrific . I would never do it again . They often suggest this arrangement so they can ease into their new life . They have their tart and the public image of a family .

Don't forget it's also cheaper and easier on them. No maintenance , no having the kids every weekend on their own , there's nothing to not like about it .

Your remark about being friends is worrying . He is no longer your friend and has proved he's not to be trusted .

[TickledOnion]

Thanks for all your replies. I have to say that I don't see it the same way as most of you do. But, we had a long chat tonight and I was felt stronger than I had on previous occasions.

I think we both realise it is over. I thought our relationship was recoverable if we both tried hard enough, but he doesn't feel the same. However, we are still friends and we both still care about each other and want to be the best parents we can be to our DDs. He is convinced that a situation like Offred describes could work. I am willing to give it a try, though I can see plenty of potential problems.

[badbaldingballerina123]

I think he's a cheeky fucker . I also think he's going along with counselling so he can say he's tried .

People in affairs say all sorts of shit . If he really wasn't bothered he would be gone . This won't be a popular view , but seeing as your technically separated , I think it would do him good if he thought you were dating yourself . See if he's confused about how he feels once he considers that .

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I wouldn't say doormat. I would say for the last two or three months you've been incredibly patient, kind and passive. And it's not working.
He has chased another woman, lied to you, cheated on you and is now using you.
Tell him to fuck off. He doesn't get family life any more- he can be the single parent he so desperately wants to be.
It might focus his mind a bit. It might free you from this agony.

[Jan45]

Thanks Dame, completely missed page 3!

Ok so he's keeping you sweet whilst he pursues another woman, he'll come back to you alright if things don't work out with her, what a friggin cheek he has got! He's been having an affair, you need to wake up to that OP, he's been lying all this time and minimising.

I know you don't want arguments etc but how you can even stand being in the same room with him is amazing, well done for being calm and collected, I'd have burst a gasket by now.

I'm sure you will find in time that you don't actually want him anymore, he's always going to have one foot in and one out, fuck that, that's not living.

[badbaldingballerina123]

The likelihood of nothing having happened with ex is minimal. He has treated you appallingly . All cheaters follow a particular script . There is only one way to end this .

Have a nose around that site , it's very helpful.

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

Jan the OP's DH has already told her that he has feelings for someone else

[Jan45]

OP, poor you for starters and what a cruel thing to say, esp if he is now reconsidering, you either love someone or you don't no?

I'd be wary too that there isn't someone in the wings, men don't normally walk out, it's usually the woman that instigates a split so I too wonder if he has another person as a reason to move on.

You have told him you want to work it out with him, the balls in his court, don't fall over yourself to please him, he knows what you want, just make it clear you aren't going to hang about forever whilst he chops and changes his mind.

[badbaldingballerina123]

You might find the following usefully Op .

talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

[Sortyourmakeupout]

He is probably suggesting hd come arouhd every morning/evening to help with kids is to ease his own guilt.

this arrangement wont last and at some stage it will have to stop.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Make a trip to the docs to get checked over as well OP - in case he has been having u/sex x

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He admits it's selfish and that I have done nothing wrong and that he owes it to us all to give our marriage another go but he can't see his feelings towards me changing. He says he doesn't dislike me, he just doesn't love me.

He has led you an un-merry dance, hasn't he, "owes it to us all to give our marriage another go" wow that's big of him. I agree with him, he doesn't love you, he will be poison. The sooner you can cure yourself of him, the better. "Nothing happened" with the ex gf, oh as if.

Counselling is paying lip service to the image building, "I tried my best but it didn't work out". That way he still gets to play Mr Nice Guy who gave it a shot but it just didn't work out.

He has barely given your DDs a thought in this, has he. Coming round in the morning and evening to help out, he will confuse them and give you false hope.