Wit's end

[ConfusedMadlady]

I don't know how to start, but I'll just ramble on just in case thers someone out there. I've been suffering from depression for many years, been on Prozac but got "Prozac poop out" and haven't been on antidepressants for a few years. History of PND. Now reaching menopause and feeling more and more unstable. Drinking very heavily at times.
Four kids, three live at home. All adults, oldest 28 and living with gf at our home. None of them helpful in everyday chores etc. I don't cook or do stuff for them, but none of them pay rent etc, instead they ask for money from my DH. Youngest son and daughter forever critical of me. Every day. Plus very jealous of oldest son for getting biggest room etc.we are well off, so that's not the issue but still.
On New Year's Eve I drank a bottle and a half of wine and got into an argument with youngest DS. He screamed at the top of his voice that he hates me and wishes me dead and I've spoiled his life. He's 24. I pushed him. He grabbed my throat and pushed me and I fell over and started screaming hysterically. DD ( 20 ) called ambulance. They arrived. I refused to go with them. It ended up with them calling the cops. Six policemen/women stood in my bedroom. It was like a nightmare.
I was arrested, spent nine hours in a cell then cautioned for having attacked my son. I never told them that he grabbed my throat and I never would. I don't know where to go from here. I'm desperate. Haven't eaten since New Year's Eve afternoon. Just want to die.

[bragmatic]

Oh, you poor thing. Please don't cry. Or do, if it makes you feel better.

Do keep letting us know how you get on. Seeing a GP is just the first step. You need to get control of your life. Your drinking. Your self esteem. Your adult children.

[joanofarchitrave]

Can you ring the GP?

this is kind of it, isn't it - once you can get dressed, face the outside world, then things aren't so bad, and it's easy for professionals to tell you you are coping.

Ring the Gp and say you can't get dressed, you can't face the world and you are dreaming of suicide. If there is a crisis team locally, they should be able to see you at home. But they will usually need a GP referral.

[whitesugar]

I have told both of my children that if they ever raise a hand to me again I will have them charged with assault and believe me that is what I will do. I told them they would end up with a criminal conviction and won't be able to travel to America and will have trouble finding a job etc. This seems to be working though I take things a day at a time. Take care of yourself.

[ConfusedMadlady]

I will call the GP tomorrow morning. I'm just cursed with this thing of acting. As soon as I'm in front of professional medical people I start acting...I have no idea why.
The doc at the police station was so kind, so wonderful and sympathetic and wanted me out of there as soon as poss. But. He didn't see me. I dunno how to tell them how,I feel!

[ashamedoverthinker]

You need to ring and ask if the mental health nurse is able to visit you.

Samaritans?

[ConfusedMadlady]

White sugar...
Thank you and I think you're amazing for doing that. Something I might very well do once I'm out of my abyss. Truly. Thank you.

[ConfusedMadlady]

I was thinking mental health nurse I just don know how to contact

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi confused the reason the tablets are not working anymore is because none of your underlying issues are being looked and explored. There's loads there, your husband in your own words being weak and leaving everything to you. Ditto your youngest being on occasion abusive and the house seems full of people who don't really pull their weight and you sound over whelmed.

I think you might get some benefit from some counselling, self medicating with alcohol will not make anything better and as you now know make things worse.

There don't seem to be an awful lot of boundaries in place with some of the people who live in your home, depression is not a diagnosis it's just an umbrella word to cover all the things that have brought you low over the years. You cannot deal with any of these issues current or past all in one go, they have to be broken down and dealt with and looked at individually to give you clarity and a possible route to solving them.

Bouncing ideas thoughts and feelings off of a therapist will give you the space to say and think about what you really want and need, I get the sense you are way down not only yours but every ones else's pecking order, I think it's about time the status quo is revisited, you are a person in your own right not a put upon mother dogs body or punch bag.

[ConfusedMadlady]

The huge knot in my stomach is dissolving just because of having someone reply to my post.
I've always been a bit hmm about MN...by god no more.

[bragmatic]

How are things with your children, now? Given how you felt when you were caring for your mother, it seems like a house full of freeloading kidults is the main fuel for your depression.

[ashamedoverthinker]

Ring your GP surgery in the morning and tell them

you cant leave the house
you feel sucidal
there has been an incident that led to your arrest
you feel scared and need help

You have reached out on here which is great but you need to do this in RL . Are you close to any of your children, is there one you could talk to and does your DH know just how bad you feel.

How he hasnt kicked out that DS anyway....(sorry)

[ConfusedMadlady]

Eldest son is supportive...emotionally at least. Second son is absent but still acting as if he cares. Third son...very hateful towards me. DD...loving in the extreme but critical every day, dismissive of anything I say or want, laughing at me....making fun etc. but is in pieces now and says can't go on unless I forgive her and cuddle her and be her mummy again ( her words )
I sure brought up a bunch of dysfunctional people didn't i?

[ConfusedMadlady]

Ashamedoverthinker....I can't tel you how much your posts mean to me right now

[Grizzlygrowler]

Massive virtual hugs for you confused xxx

As a sister to a dickhead aggressive brother should there be a next time that he hits you then don't cover for him, you're not doing him any favours given he's not already come to you with a massive apology.

You are not alone and all your children, despite sounding ungrateful, appear to have done well in forging their own way, even if they just need the last shove out of the nest. Please force yourself to have a little something and defo get to the gp xxx

[ConfusedMadlady]

Thank you grizzly growler

[bragmatic]

Be a mummy again? Dear god.

Once you've got your head together a little, I think you should try to get angry.

Good luck with the GP.

[ConfusedMadlady]

I'm too upset to know about emoticons etc haven't posted much despite being long time lurker
I just want to say that these few posts have helped me enormously.
I almost want to have a few crackers with cheese and...ok...no wine.

[ConfusedMadlady]

Having cried...I think it helped me so much. But I need to get rid of the image of the cops in my bedroom.
This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. Ever. I haven't seen DS since then even though he's at home.

[ConfusedMadlady]

Bragmatic...
I want to get angry and I will!

[ashamedoverthinker]

Your DD seems a bit stropy and contradcitory but is trying with you. Can you see that if she has seen you let DS get away with that and cover for him (god I know your his mum) that it is not setting a good example for her. Can you use this to motivate you to do something about your situation?

I think you need imediate help via GP
I think you need to get these kids in check when feeling abit stronger - you need to talk to your older son about this. You sound depleted of energy and need support from your family.

You should try a get washed and dressed in am - small steps. You dont have to go out, but you do need to ring GP.

[Mellowandfruitful]

I can see why you feel bad about the police episode but in time that feeling will fade if you address the other problems. Really it will. You need to sort of shove it aside and think very practically about the future - what are you going to do tomorrow. Write it down.

If you find it hard not to 'act' in front of a GP, how about printing this thread and taking it with you and reading the first posts? Or even just get it up on screen on your phone, if you can access MN via mobile, and read out your OP.

And please do eat something if you feel you possibly can. Get crackers and cheese and a glass of water. You need all the strength you can muster and being physically weakened by hunger won't help.

I seriously would think about going to your mum's even if for a short while. Your DD could come and visit you there maybe for some of it? It might help you improve your relationship if you can spend some time without all the other dc around piling onto your burden. As for you 'having to be a mummy' one of the problems is that you've ended up doing too much of that. You need to help yourself. You know the airline thing about how you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help your kids and put theirs on? Tell that to your DD.

[ConfusedMadlady]

I'm going to print this out. What an awesome idea.
It'll show the things I can't say. I always need to act like the good brave patient when with medical people.
I will shower. I will get dressed and go to see my GP, luckily they're ten minutes walk away.
I'm so grateful to you all. You have no idea.

[wouldbemedic]

I think DS is a toad for not coming clean to the cops about his part in it. What a spoilt jerk. Yes, he should be living in the real world and growing up through developing some moral backbone, not being spoilt by soft-hearted, weak parents....who need a break right now. What a toad.

[ConfusedMadlady]

My youngest DS is very different to his siblings in the sense that he is extremely sensitive to criticism even if it's fair criticism.
He is very talented in his line of work ( artist ) but has been in the doldrums for a while due to lack of opportunities. It's been hard tiptoeing around him...he has a v high opinion of himself and has lost a few good,opportunities due to his refusal to "kiss ass". I just think it's that same mentality that makes it ok for him to watch his mum being taken away in handcuffs.

[ConfusedMadlady]

Wouldbemedic
You make sense and you make me smile just a bit.