Wit's end

[ConfusedMadlady]

I don't know how to start, but I'll just ramble on just in case thers someone out there. I've been suffering from depression for many years, been on Prozac but got "Prozac poop out" and haven't been on antidepressants for a few years. History of PND. Now reaching menopause and feeling more and more unstable. Drinking very heavily at times.
Four kids, three live at home. All adults, oldest 28 and living with gf at our home. None of them helpful in everyday chores etc. I don't cook or do stuff for them, but none of them pay rent etc, instead they ask for money from my DH. Youngest son and daughter forever critical of me. Every day. Plus very jealous of oldest son for getting biggest room etc.we are well off, so that's not the issue but still.
On New Year's Eve I drank a bottle and a half of wine and got into an argument with youngest DS. He screamed at the top of his voice that he hates me and wishes me dead and I've spoiled his life. He's 24. I pushed him. He grabbed my throat and pushed me and I fell over and started screaming hysterically. DD ( 20 ) called ambulance. They arrived. I refused to go with them. It ended up with them calling the cops. Six policemen/women stood in my bedroom. It was like a nightmare.
I was arrested, spent nine hours in a cell then cautioned for having attacked my son. I never told them that he grabbed my throat and I never would. I don't know where to go from here. I'm desperate. Haven't eaten since New Year's Eve afternoon. Just want to die.

[IrishBloodEnglishHeart]

God so many typos ... Sorry. I hope you got the gist of it.

[IrishBloodEnglishHeart]

Re-posted not reported.

[IrishBloodEnglishHeart]

confused I am so glAd you reported here and have been able to eat something. There has been some great advice given which I can't really add to. All ?I would say is be honest with the GP, don't minimise anything. Tell her about the suicidal thoughts, I know you wouldn't act on it but the fact is you thought about it and if you spiral further down those thoughts may become stronger. The GP can't ignore that. You need help and you deserve help. In addition to ADs (there are others to try, not just
Prozac) you should definitely see about counselling. If sounds to me like you need some support in putting the hard word on your kids. You would not be a bad mother if you asked to pay towards bills/rent. Heck, you wouldn't very a bad mother if you asked them to move out. If doesn't sound like your DH would support you in making these changes so a counsellor may be a good idea.

[Meerka]

confused, would joanofarchitrave's idea of writing things down help with the doctor?

seems that you've been carrying the entire responsibility for the household and people within it for far too long and it's worn you down.

I do not think you should cover for yoru son though. It's not helping him. He'll think it's an OK way to behave and it's not. What if he does the same to a gf? Having your throat grabbed is bloody awful.

[ashamedoverthinker]

Morning confused

Hope you are ok.

Just one phone call - yes you are being brave accepting your situation and importantly acting. small steps.

[myroomisatip]

How are you today?

I just want to say that I know about dysfunctional families. I had to call the police out because of my son. I felt absolutely awful doing it but I am so glad I did. He was abusive to me (following example set by Ex) but it came to a head with his sibling.

I hope you can get help from your GP. Mine were (all of them at the practice) absolutely wonderful and I don't know what I would have done without their support.

Good luck for today.

[TeenyW123]

Morning, Madlady.

Have you made any calls yet?

Come on, up and at 'em. Pick up the phone and make your first call. Let's get the ball rolling. And don't forget to print off this thread to take with you. We're all behind you and rooting for you.

Teeny

[bragmatic]

No, no. Don't try. Do it. You have to do it. We're all behind you. Even when you switch off the computer. You must do it.

[ConfusedMadlady]

Having tea and biscuits.
Thank you MNetters.
tomorrow ( today ) I'll try to get up and make those phone calls.

[ConfusedMadlady]

Wouldbemedic
You make sense and you make me smile just a bit.

[ConfusedMadlady]

My youngest DS is very different to his siblings in the sense that he is extremely sensitive to criticism even if it's fair criticism.
He is very talented in his line of work ( artist ) but has been in the doldrums for a while due to lack of opportunities. It's been hard tiptoeing around him...he has a v high opinion of himself and has lost a few good,opportunities due to his refusal to "kiss ass". I just think it's that same mentality that makes it ok for him to watch his mum being taken away in handcuffs.

[wouldbemedic]

I think DS is a toad for not coming clean to the cops about his part in it. What a spoilt jerk. Yes, he should be living in the real world and growing up through developing some moral backbone, not being spoilt by soft-hearted, weak parents....who need a break right now. What a toad.

[ConfusedMadlady]

I'm going to print this out. What an awesome idea.
It'll show the things I can't say. I always need to act like the good brave patient when with medical people.
I will shower. I will get dressed and go to see my GP, luckily they're ten minutes walk away.
I'm so grateful to you all. You have no idea.

[Mellowandfruitful]

I can see why you feel bad about the police episode but in time that feeling will fade if you address the other problems. Really it will. You need to sort of shove it aside and think very practically about the future - what are you going to do tomorrow. Write it down.

If you find it hard not to 'act' in front of a GP, how about printing this thread and taking it with you and reading the first posts? Or even just get it up on screen on your phone, if you can access MN via mobile, and read out your OP.

And please do eat something if you feel you possibly can. Get crackers and cheese and a glass of water. You need all the strength you can muster and being physically weakened by hunger won't help.

I seriously would think about going to your mum's even if for a short while. Your DD could come and visit you there maybe for some of it? It might help you improve your relationship if you can spend some time without all the other dc around piling onto your burden. As for you 'having to be a mummy' one of the problems is that you've ended up doing too much of that. You need to help yourself. You know the airline thing about how you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help your kids and put theirs on? Tell that to your DD.

[ashamedoverthinker]

Your DD seems a bit stropy and contradcitory but is trying with you. Can you see that if she has seen you let DS get away with that and cover for him (god I know your his mum) that it is not setting a good example for her. Can you use this to motivate you to do something about your situation?

I think you need imediate help via GP
I think you need to get these kids in check when feeling abit stronger - you need to talk to your older son about this. You sound depleted of energy and need support from your family.

You should try a get washed and dressed in am - small steps. You dont have to go out, but you do need to ring GP.

[ConfusedMadlady]

Bragmatic...
I want to get angry and I will!

[ConfusedMadlady]

Having cried...I think it helped me so much. But I need to get rid of the image of the cops in my bedroom.
This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. Ever. I haven't seen DS since then even though he's at home.

[ConfusedMadlady]

I'm too upset to know about emoticons etc haven't posted much despite being long time lurker
I just want to say that these few posts have helped me enormously.
I almost want to have a few crackers with cheese and...ok...no wine.

[bragmatic]

Be a mummy again? Dear god.

Once you've got your head together a little, I think you should try to get angry.

Good luck with the GP.

[ConfusedMadlady]

Thank you grizzly growler

[Grizzlygrowler]

Massive virtual hugs for you confused xxx

As a sister to a dickhead aggressive brother should there be a next time that he hits you then don't cover for him, you're not doing him any favours given he's not already come to you with a massive apology.

You are not alone and all your children, despite sounding ungrateful, appear to have done well in forging their own way, even if they just need the last shove out of the nest. Please force yourself to have a little something and defo get to the gp xxx

[ConfusedMadlady]

Ashamedoverthinker....I can't tel you how much your posts mean to me right now

[ConfusedMadlady]

Eldest son is supportive...emotionally at least. Second son is absent but still acting as if he cares. Third son...very hateful towards me. DD...loving in the extreme but critical every day, dismissive of anything I say or want, laughing at me....making fun etc. but is in pieces now and says can't go on unless I forgive her and cuddle her and be her mummy again ( her words )
I sure brought up a bunch of dysfunctional people didn't i?

[ashamedoverthinker]

Ring your GP surgery in the morning and tell them

you cant leave the house
you feel sucidal
there has been an incident that led to your arrest
you feel scared and need help

You have reached out on here which is great but you need to do this in RL . Are you close to any of your children, is there one you could talk to and does your DH know just how bad you feel.

How he hasnt kicked out that DS anyway....(sorry)

[bragmatic]

How are things with your children, now? Given how you felt when you were caring for your mother, it seems like a house full of freeloading kidults is the main fuel for your depression.