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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do you do if your dc dont want to go with their dad?

77 replies

aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:00

I don't think its for any really good reason, they would just rather be with me. That said he is/was slightly EA with me

he doesn't put much effort into encouraging them to go with him.

today, as a result he has been in my house for the last 4 hours. He has just asked if i am cooking food! I said i want him to take them to his house and cook, because i want some time to myself. He got angry with me and said i as fucking rude. He always thinks the responsibility ismine to make them go with him. I feel like he should actually parent them on the 1 day a week he sees them. Its my 'day off' isn't it?

OP posts:
TheGreatHunt · 02/01/2014 21:18

Why on earth are you letting an alcoholic, one who is violent and EA towards your children, look after the DC?

I'm confused.

I also feel sorry for your children.

2kidsintow · 02/01/2014 21:23

Have you posted the same situation a while ago, OP? I remember a post complaining that the ExP was supposed to come to the house early so that the OP could have a lie in and that then he didn't go and would stick around the house.

Lots of advice given.

If you are the same, then the situation clearly isn't working, because here you are still.

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 21:25

No, it is not true that i am more interested in a lie-in, than what is best for my children.

i have divorced their dad and removed him from their home, to protect them. But their dad is an alcoholic. I cannot change that. He is functioning. And he doesn't see the kids when he is drinking

yes, i feel sorry for my children too. No one should have an alcoholic as a parent. And they should both have 2 happy patents that live together with them

OP posts:
Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 21:26

No, i haven't posted about this before

OP posts:
TheGreatHunt · 02/01/2014 21:33

Sorry, but as a child of an alcoholic I can only shake my head at why you're maintaining contact. They don't want to see their dad. He's not well and not capable of looking after them. What happens if he decides to have a small drink to cope with them?

FrogStarandRoses · 02/01/2014 21:34

i have divorced their dad and removed him from their home, to protect them

And then invite him back in, and expect him to take them out in order to give you a lie in and some me time Confused

And yet, you don't think you are sending mixed messages?

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 21:36

He doesn't and wouldn't drink whilst he had them. Whilst there are many issues, that is not one of them

OP posts:
TheGreatHunt · 02/01/2014 21:37

You don't know that. You're enabling his alcoholism and his children don't want to be with him.

You need to rethink this.

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 21:40

I think there is a difference between having visits from their dad, and living in the same house with the disruption and danger that it causes

but urs, i appreciate it is confusing for them, and i will change the plan

imake no excuses for trying to claw some me time. My mental health is not good at the moment, and it feels crucial. Keeping healthy is important for my kids surely

OP posts:
Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 21:40

I do know that greathunt

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/01/2014 21:40

In addition to what others are saying, you're still pandering to him and letting you and your children be hostages of his mood, his inconsistency and so on.
You are teaching them that it's ok to be treated like this and to let people like him do what they like.

TheGreatHunt · 02/01/2014 21:42

You can get me time in other ways surely? Can you get time off just the odd half day to do stuff? Do you work full or part time?

Lweji · 02/01/2014 21:43

Have you considered that your mental health is not helped by allowing him to come and go as he pleases, and to leave your house when he wants to?
You're still under his influence.

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 21:50

Yy, i will address how i get some time in other ways if NC is going to be best for the kids

whilst there is contact, i feel no shame in trying to arrange it to my benefit

but, if i am convinced that NC is best for the kids, i wouldn't send them anyway just for my benefit

OP posts:
Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 21:51

lweji it is beginning to dawn on me, yes...

OP posts:
TheGreatHunt · 02/01/2014 21:51

whilst there is contact, i feel no shame in trying to arrange it to my benefit

But don't forget your children's benefit too!

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 21:57

On the back of this thread, i think i need to go back to AlAnon

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/01/2014 21:58

Personally, I wouldn't necessarily go no contact, but it would have to be in very clear terms.

Preferably supervised. Anyone who could do it, or a contact centre?
At regular times, and if not adhered to, then tough luck.

Meerka · 02/01/2014 22:33

I reckon a bit of time to yourself helps you cope better if you're a single mum with 2 smallish children, working full time, struggling mentally and a difficult ex (though with luck the OP'll make things easier for herself there by stopping him takign the piss). Bit of time to yourself recharges the batteries.

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 23:06

I'm suprised that it needs any explanation meerka tbh

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 03/01/2014 00:12

I'm suprised that it needs any explanation

It doesn't need any explanation. It's just that the children's needs should be considered too.

A more structured contact routine would be better for you and the children.

They need to see their father outside the family home so they understand that this is their time with him, not a step back to you all being one family.

They need to know when they are going to see him and for how long and that they have to go with him in order to spend time with him.

He needs to realise that he can't turn up at random times and hang around your home but must build his own family routines with his children elsewhere.

You need to know when your child-free time is and for that time to be guilt free because you know your children are happy and settled in a good contact routine. That way you can relax and use it to recharge your batteries.

At the moment, none of you feels settled and relaxed about contact and that won't change until there is some structure to it.

Once the children are aware of the routine and settled in it you should be able to stop worrying about whether to make them go because they will just accept it.

You need to let your Ex know that you will take action to prevent unsupervised contact if he is ever violent toward either child again. If it does happen again follow that through.

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 03/01/2014 09:55

Thankyou gold..you put that very well

i did think that this relaxed set up was best for the kids. I thought it was good for them, that he was still welcome in our home but i can see now that the boundaries are too woolly. Aamd i am giving them false hopes and confusion about reconciliation probably.

And, yes, its just not working for anyone

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 03/01/2014 10:26

It's much easier to work things like this out from the perspective of an outsider.

When you're in the thick of it trying to keep everyone happy it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.

I hope your ex accepts the new structure and it makes the whole thing easier for your children.

cestlavielife · 03/01/2014 12:10

i think it is natural to want that, that he could come in home etc but reality is often different.

Lweji · 03/01/2014 13:49

A relaxed set up can be good for the kids if the set up is not abused, as your ex is doing.
If the NRP is reliable and respectful, things that your ex isn't.