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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do you do if your dc dont want to go with their dad?

77 replies

aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:00

I don't think its for any really good reason, they would just rather be with me. That said he is/was slightly EA with me

he doesn't put much effort into encouraging them to go with him.

today, as a result he has been in my house for the last 4 hours. He has just asked if i am cooking food! I said i want him to take them to his house and cook, because i want some time to myself. He got angry with me and said i as fucking rude. He always thinks the responsibility ismine to make them go with him. I feel like he should actually parent them on the 1 day a week he sees them. Its my 'day off' isn't it?

OP posts:
Meerka · 02/01/2014 15:43

It sounds like he wants to blame you by saying that you're undermining him, when really it's his lack of interest that's making their relationship so boring your 8 yo doesn't want to go. So - he's going to blame you, whatever the situation whether it's your fault or not. Even when he doesn't even bother turning up at all for them :s

I'd set boundaries and then be sure that if he's not there, you go out with the family so you're not in and he can't roll up an hour late. Harder work specially if you love your lie-ins (oh god, I do) but it's too messy at the moment.

No car loan.

Erm - I hope he's not drinking when he has them?!

Goldmandra · 02/01/2014 15:46

Maybe your DCs think that if they can get him to stick around the house you'll get back together.

They are getting very mixed messages.

You need to agree a time at which they will be ready. If he doesn't arrive at that time make other plans and go out.

Don't allow him to come into the house. If he wants to do the morning routine with them he can start having them overnight.

If the children don't want to go with him allow them to say that to him when he arrives and allow him to choose to either pick them up and put them in the car or go without them. After one minute shut the door so it can't become a long process.

If it means he has them less and you don't get a day off just suck it up. What matters is that the children's needs are met.

If he finds it harder to spend time with them he may start to value it more and make more effort.

This structure is for the benefit of the children but it will also help you if your time is not dominated by wondering when he'll arrive and when he'll leave.

Lweji · 02/01/2014 15:47

frog i don't think its confusing...come in so i can have a lie in and then go away so i can have the day to myself. Its very consistent! But completely designed to give me the most out of the day!

I hope you are in the US, because if you are in Europe, the rest of your day today is from 15:30. Hmm

Meerka · 02/01/2014 15:48

he took dd2 and not 1?

my first thought was ... omg ... then the penny dropped ... DD1 doesn't want to go anyway?

I guess that longer term that this could really cause trouble between the two sisters if one is always going and the other not. Mind you maybe DD2 will also get bored and fed up by the time she's 8. But to avoid later regrets on DD1's part, might it work to allow DD1 her own decision on this half the time, and insist she goes the other half, at least until she's 12 or 13?

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:51

cailin i try to reassure dd1 that he loves her just the same as dd2, that he is just not very good at dealing with arguements. And it is easier for him to tell dd1 off or get her to compromise even if dd2 is the 1 that is wrong...because dd1 is older and more reasonable. Ive told her that i don't think it is correct or fair, but that is how he deals with things. I do back him up when he is correct and dd1 has been horrid

ttbh, i am out of my depth, and don't know what is the correct way to handle this

as an example, once when they were in the park dd1 was on the swings. Dd2 ran in front and got knocked over. He told dd1 off for being careless and slapped her round the head. I of course, defended her as it was an accident. And he should never slap her head.

but then, i have to be careful not to undermine his parenting/discipline when he is being fair Confused

i cant automatically back him up without hearing dd side of the story

OP posts:
TheRobberBride · 02/01/2014 15:52

I'm sorry OP but your current arrangement does sound quite confusing for your kids.

Why won't your ex have the kids overnight? If he had them overnight then you'd get a lie in regularly and wouldn't have to have your ex in your house!

If he won't have them overnight then I would either volunteer to drop them at his house or have them waiting at the door of my house with their coats on ready to go.

Personally I do not want my ex in my home. It's my territory and he simply isn't welcome. We normally do drop offs at a neutral location but if he comes to my house, I watch for his car then take the kids outside to him.

Lweji · 02/01/2014 15:53

I could understand similar arrangements with an ex who understands boundaries and is good with the children.
As it is, you are confusing the children and shooting yourself on the foot.

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:55

No *meerka" he doesn't drink when he has them. He doesn't drink always. When he is drinking, he doesn't turn up

OP posts:
Bloodyteenagers · 02/01/2014 15:55

Has there been other incidents of violence from him?

Oh and stop paying for his car insurance.

cestlavielife · 02/01/2014 15:57

you cannot tell dd what your ex thinks eg does he love her the same because only he can tell her that. his actions say different. all you can do is acknowledge how she feels and ask her to ask dad about it.

boundaries as was said - no coming in the house. fulll stop. breakfast esepcially is a confusing time as almost feels to kids like he has stayed thenight.

try friends or family or paid babysitters for regular time out for you. ity is the only way.

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:59

I know lewji!!!...what, 3 while hours to myself!!!

and to be honest, I'm exhausted from him being here/trying to persuade dds out

i hear what you are all saying about boundaries and confusion. I'm going to have to make this more organised/rigid aren't i

OP posts:
Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 16:00

Not towards the kids teenagers

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 02/01/2014 16:01

what support are you getting? in delaing with him, the split, the DC?
eg counselling?

or try going on parenting courses if only to hear what is the best way of dealing with things so you can feel more confident that your way is right? ask gp or hv to refer you.

and slapping round head???? no wonder dd thinks he doesnt love her...i cant see justification for that. and it makes no sense for you then to say oh yes he loves you....

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 16:02

cest he has even told the girls he will take dd2 but not dd1 because she is too difficult Sad

he said it when he was angry and did apologise afterwards, but damage done i would imagine

OP posts:
Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 16:04

I dint think I need a parenting course. I think he does

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/01/2014 16:07

You may not need a parenting course, but I think support on how to deal with difficult and EA exs and their effects on the children. Seek support to them too.

CailinDana · 02/01/2014 16:14

Sorry to say I think you should stop contact. He has been violent towards your dd1 and has upset her terribly - she should not have to go with him. Equally he hould not be taking dd2 until things are properly resolved.

cestlavielife · 02/01/2014 16:23

i agree that on paper you dont need a parenting course and he does... however, some of the techniques about doing say homework you can think if appropririate to use around going to see dad or not; you may feel not. also any parenting course that teaches you how to listen and talk to kids is v useful.

i have been on a few parenting sessions run locally and come back just feeling more confident that I am doing the right things. being validated is a powerful thing that follows you thru to other aspects. a course on dealing with challenging kids may give you tips on dealing with a challenging ex. being consistent (eg whether or not he can come in teh house) etc . being confident will enable you to stand up more to your ex. also a parenitng course may have attached childcare. take whatever you can get onto.

a specific divorced and separated course eg a group is also great - ask hv if anything locally. some gp practices have counsellor attached.

allnewtaketwo · 02/01/2014 17:45

"frog i don't think its confusing...come in so i can have a lie in and then go away so i can have the day to myself. Its very consistent! But completely designed to give me the most out of the day!"

Contact isn't about you though. It's about what's best for the children. Clearly at present the children are experiencing difficulties with contact and one thing which may help is you putting boundaries above your need for a lie in. Fwiw I never get a lie in either (in fact I'd consider they're fairly unusual with 2 children under 10).

Meerka · 02/01/2014 17:47

Do you have any family who can take your children now and then to give you a bit of space?

Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 19:03

caipin do you really think i should stop contact?

OP posts:
Original poster
aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 19:07

allnew yes, i accept that. Begrudgingly.

recently i have really been craving some time and space. To take care of myself. Cuz no one else does. I feel abit empty. Like, ive got nothing left to give. And yet, i have to keep on giving obviously. I feel a bit on the edge

my parents help with the kids when i am working. They are starting to struggle and i dint like asking them to help more than they do already. Although, i do sometimes

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/01/2014 20:24

Yes I do. He hit your dd and she is aware he favours her sister. Are you ok with that?

allnewtaketwo · 02/01/2014 20:31

If you let them into your bed in the morning at the weekend even to watch tv you could stay in bed a bit longer?

Petal02 · 02/01/2014 21:07

Good point Allnew - it seems that the OP is more concerned about a weekly lie-in than what's best for the children. And not many parents get a lie-in every week!