Discovered husband's affair just before Xmas, my life is ruined

[QuiteSo]

After various suspicious incidents, all of which he denied, I found all the messages on his phone. Turned out he has been shagging a young colleague for months. I feel so bloody stupid. Have 2 DC of primary age who love their dad and don't understand why I'm angry. He says he knew it was wrong but it felt great.
I feel like I'm staring at the wreckage of the life I thought I had. Have been sobbing and not eating.

He's making me second guess my commitment to the kids. I remember consciously wanting to put them first, especially Dc2 who was slightly premature and ill a lot in the first couple of years. Now he's saying that ruined our marriage.

Perhaps he should be second-guessing his commitment to your kids. Don't do this to yourself OP - you have been a wonderful mother, and he has been who is really is. Nothing you could've done to change that. Please don't be hard on yourself. He's the bastard.

These situations always seem to follow a script. I feel for you op. Marriage break downs are rarely all 1 1parties fault but having the affair was not your fault. His choice completely. You have no reason to be or feel ashamed. Hold your head high and make him realise what he has thrown away.

Oh and also, how very dare your DC2 be ILL! What kind of a man says that your commitment to your child who NEEDS you is what killed your relationship? Him cheating killed it. What an absolute piece of shit, that is so shameful.

quiteso so sorry, the man is unspeakable- what awful things he has said, vile. No advice, but fingers crossed at the solicitors.
offred you're entitled to air your views, but as a 50:50 parent myself, who had to leave the family home, I found what you said extremely offensive to parents in this position, but that's beside the point of this thread so I'll leave it there.

I hope you were focussed on your kids. They are small. They need you to look after them. If you neglected them to look after that twat then you would have something to feel ashamed about. Did you? Of course NOT therefor you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

You did nothing wrong.

You aren't throwing anything away. You don't have what you thought you had to throw away.

Saying it was great has to be one of the most unbelievable that he could be so hurtful things a cheating husband could say.

I can't really offer practical advice OP but I have two friends this has happened to.

Friend one - years ago - the children were 5 and 3 and he upped and left for ow because he was bored. He saw the DC (both at uni now) every weekend until they no longer wanted to go - probably about 12/14. My friend finally realised it wasn't her fault when he did precisely the same thing to wife no 2. She's a successful headmistress who never would have worked full time and got to that position if he hadn't left her. She also remarried about six or seven years ago - a fellow head teacher and is very very happy and very secure now. Her first husband is skint and pretty much washed up as wife no 3 kicked him out after a few years.

Friend two - exact same timing as you but with slightly older children. She was absolutely devastated. Over twelve months though, she is her own woman, she is still finding things hard but friends and local communities have rallied around and supported her - not him. She is looking great and she is becoming the person we all remember from before he ground her down. He said some things similar to what your dh has said - everyone thinks he has been incredibly stupid and will have to cover some ground to get a wife as decent and honest and good as the one he has left. The spice might have gone, but that happens after years of marriage and should be replaced with something deeper if the relationship is right.

I'm really sorry and you are in the depths at the moment, but they won't last forever and may well prove to be the catalyst that makes your life better over the long term.

xx

I remember consciously wanting to put them first, especially Dc2 who was slightly premature and ill a lot in the first couple of years.
^
Of course you did, your lovely prem poorly baby, of course you put the children first.
A man worth anything would want you to do this, and respect you for looking after his children.

Everybody puts their kids first, normally both people in the relationship do.

lillil5 so sorry to hear you are also going through this crap.

He is following the cheater's script.

Using the fact that you were being a committed loving mum to sick DC to justify his selfish cheating behaviour is plain nasty as well as scraping the bottom of the barrel

A real man would have supported you and helped out with the DC by taking a full role in parenting them.

OP, sorry this is happening to you. Agree with Choc re the script, what he is doing is sadly par for the course for cheating husbands. Remeber. its not you its definately him. The most painful thing is when they re write the history of your relationship to justify their unforgivable actions:

See thread below and countless others

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1486878-Departed-cheating-scumbags-who-follow-a-script

On a slightly lighter note, when he reiterates his desire for a 50:50 residency for the DCs do as Lastonedancing suggested earlier - make a list of every single thing that needs to be done. Things that I can almost guarantee he will have forgotten about (or think the "housework fairy" does) include:

Cooking suitable food for DCs, at suitable times (NOT dinner at 9pm!)
Washing up
Washing and drying clothing - children get through a LOT more than he will realise
Washing & drying bed linen, towels etc.
Ironing
Clothing repair/replacement
Overseeing bathroom & bedtimes
Making sure DCs have everything they need ready for school each day

I remember when my dsis & her exh agreed to do the 50:50 thing; each weekly changeover her DS would come home in dirty & creased (often damaged) clothing, she would send him off the following week looking pristine then he would come back again very unkempt. So she ended up doing all the washing, ironing & repairs/replacements etc.

Big hug to lillill5 and to you OP. The shock is like a gut punch isn't it? You're not alone though, and MN is testament to that. Everyone has a different story. I remember my own DH saying it felt great, but more in a 'heat of the moment' way.I wouldn't read too much into that. If the thrill of an affair isn't a buzz, then why start at all? But when it's out in the open, that shiny penny tarnishes pretty quickly. I've come to believe that it's rarely about the wonderful qualities of the OW at all - the thrill is the thing. It sounds like he actually wants to hurt you for not paying him enough attention. It's what happens next that counts. We are still together, after a lot of counselling and soul searching, but for others there is only one way and that's the exit.

Listen, because this bit is really important: only the people having the affair are at fault. You cannot drive someone to an affair - it's a choice. People struggle along in terrible relationships without choosing to have affairs. It's a low-down, rat-fink shitty thing to do by any standards. He made the choice, and now it's your turn to make choices for you and your children. Oh, and putting your children first is perfectly normal by the way.If one of the parents isn't doing their fair share, the other has to compensate, leading to these sorts of accusations. Don't waste one second feeling guilty - not one second. On your 6 year old's birthday?!!!

Lillil why don't you start another thread and maybe posters could help you too.

He may not be grovelling yet OP but I bet he does when reality sets in. Decide what you want.

I am reeling that the man in the linked to thread had fake tan and eye gel

Buzzardbird, what I want is for this whole sorry mess not to have happened. And for the kids not to be facing a broken home. But I guess it's too late for that now :(

You are right, but it is not your fault. If any of us could wave a magic wand for you we would...and for all the others it is happening to too.

Quite so...

You sound quite together despite the situation.

Don't ever, ever believe that you ruined your marriage by focussing on the dc. If he had out half the effort it must've taken to lie and slink about to see ow into you and your family it might have survived.

Don't worry about his threats of 50/50... My ex said the same thing and I was petrified. Very wise posters on here told me not to worry- that these type of scenarios start with them saying they want 50-50 and in reality it doesn't happen when they realise they have to step up.

Even if it does happen- it'll let you get your life in track and will make him face his responsibilities....which he should have been doing instead of pursuing an ow.

Lillil5.....start your own thread so that you can talk about your situation if you think it would help- sorry you're going through it. Hang in there x

'It felt great' - Christ on a bucket of ballcocks, some men!

16 years ago this happened to me.
My 'DW' of 15 years had been shagging a good friend of mine for 6 months and it was apparently my fault for being too nice to her and letting her have too much freedom!

I was devastated to the point of being suicidal but now I have been with an amazing woman for the past 14 years have an awesome DD and have never been happier.

I now know it was not my fault, I did not lose everything but gained so much more as you will too.

Time will make things so much clearer and easier. Your DC will be better for having a relaxed happy DM. I still have a good relationship with my 2DC from the first amrriage.

It made me feel better when I found out that the man she left me for later shagged her friend and left my exDW in the mire (homeless etc)

Your STBeXH will get exactly what he deserves in later life just as you will too.

Stay strong, you deserve better and you will get it.

When you separate if/when he tries to slither back in your life -after you tell him "no, eff off" don't forget to say that life without him "feels great".

Really sorry u are going through this OP.

You are obviously not to blame for the affair - pathetic excuse from a selfish man!

I agree with Alergictoironing about creating a list of duties to be shared 50/50 and would like to add to the list of parental duties to be shared equally:

Dentist & doctors appointments
Haircuts
RSVP-ing to friends birthday party invites (buying & wrapping presents, fetching and carrying to said birthday parties)
Reading & responding to school newsletters (reply slips for school trips etc)
Homework / school projects / spellings & time tables
Assisting with outfits for school plays / book day dress up etc.
Taking time off work when children are poorly
Ordering school uniforms / replacing school shoes
Suitable grocery shopping to provide appropriate meals
Packed lunches, PE kits, musical instruments & sports kits etc. to be packed for school

When you look at everything you do listed like that in black and white, you can see how busy you've been while he's been shagging his mistress!

Thanks JustSpeak, I'm not & never have been a parent myself so was hoping someone else would add to my "starter for 10" list!

OP, just want to give my absolute support for you. I know what you are going through, my DP had an affair in September 13, it made me suicidal. knocked every certainty i ever knew, i logged on to MN as a lifeline and it absolutely helped , keep posting, keep talking and know you are a fabulous Mum ,keeping things together, i felt like shit, he told me i neglcted him, used him and the reason he went with the OW was i was not the girl he married? since then i have moved out, got my own house, made it a lovely home for my two DD and can see the light, its took a long time coming , but the one thing i would love you to know , YOU WILL GET THERE DARLING< hang in there, look after your kids and believe me, he will be a distant memory one day xxx