Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discovered husband's affair just before Xmas, my life is ruined

116 replies

QuiteSo · 02/01/2014 12:47

After various suspicious incidents, all of which he denied, I found all the messages on his phone. Turned out he has been shagging a young colleague for months. I feel so bloody stupid. Have 2 DC of primary age who love their dad and don't understand why I'm angry. He says he knew it was wrong but it felt great.
I feel like I'm staring at the wreckage of the life I thought I had. Have been sobbing and not eating.

OP posts:
DrNick · 02/01/2014 13:46

yes i bet you " don't understand him"

Offred · 02/01/2014 13:47

I'm pretty opposed to 50:50 in principle tbh I think what it does is prioritise the parents' desire to be equally involved over the children's needs to have a stable home. I don't think you can have a stable home with a 50:50 arrangement, what you have is children who don't have any home at all and are living out of a suitcase.

Bonsoir · 02/01/2014 13:48

I don't think that long hours per se make 50:50 unfeasible. The issue is whether there is somebody to look after the DC when they are at their father's home.

But definitely, if it isn't what you want, fight it like the plague!

Bonsoir · 02/01/2014 13:49

Having lived with my DSSs doing 50:50 for many years, I disagree that it isn't sometimes in the DCs' best interest. It clearly was in my DSSs' case. However, these things evolve and in my DSSs' case the evolution was to move in FT with DP and me.

HorsePetal · 02/01/2014 13:49

That is terrible OP - what a shock. He has really shown his true colours.

Good luck with your solicitors appointment - keep talking to us.

Have you told people in RL? Where are your family based - in the UK or in the country you are living in?

LastOneDancing · 02/01/2014 13:49

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. Just as previous poster said - how about spending more time with his kids instead of with OW? And he had a tongue in his head. He could have expressed his bullshit concerns, rather than fucking her.

Don't believe a word of his poison. He's just a twat having a midlife crisis.

Ensure you draft a sample 50:50 arrangement which includes school runs, swimming lessons and other mundane running around & then watch piggy squeal. OW is going to love washing his pants, cooking his tea and listening to him moan.

AskBasil · 02/01/2014 13:50

Sounds like in a very indirect way he has done you a massive favour, because frankly, he is a vile person.

Your life is not ruined. It is the very painful beginning of having a better life without this selfish, nasty piece of work in your bed and in your home.

But it's painful to go through, so Brew. You will be OK, tell your RL friends, get support, don't listen to any of the nonsense he's talking and remember that this is not your fault, he chose to not function as a husband and father because he was surprised and irritated to find that it's different from being a young single bachelor. Hmm

Original poster
QuiteSo · 02/01/2014 13:51

I will clarify the custody issue with the solicitor next week. I just feel terrible about having to throw ten years of marriage down the drain for a few cheap thrills. :(

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 02/01/2014 13:53

If you feel strong enough, taking the upper hand and drafting an agreement to which your STBXH will be party for bringing up your DC may make him come to his senses.

Offred · 02/01/2014 13:55

Hmm... I really would advise against using the dc to teach him a lesson. They are not pawns in a game. You shouldn't build their expectations to try and trap him into letting them down.

You'll need to try and assert what is in their best interests and fight for it given he will likely be an arse about things I would say. I doubt in your case, or in any but the very rarest case, 50:50 would be in their best interest. It seems it would be radically different from their current life.

Original poster
QuiteSo · 02/01/2014 13:56

My family are mostly in the UK, but they are 100% behind me. I feel so ashamed about the whole thing, and angry, and sad.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 02/01/2014 13:57

QuiteSo you're not throwing 10 years of marriage down the drain, he is.

Also, it's not that much to throw away is it? You have been married to a man who is so selfish that he actually blames you for his disloyalty and adultery because you didn't pay him more attention than your children. The staggering self-centredness of that makes him sound like one of the least desirable men in Europe, sorry.

WeAreDetective · 02/01/2014 13:59

Offred is absolutely correct. It's seems important to me to always look to do what is in the best interest of your children and you.

Revenge can have a nasty way of back firing. And I found that, in the end, the best revenge was to show that I could get on with my life and thrive.

Offred · 02/01/2014 13:59

Don't feel ashamed Sad

It's him who should be ashamed...

AskBasil · 02/01/2014 13:59

You have nothing to feel ashamed of.

You've done nothing wrong.

If he genuinely had a problem with your relationship, he could have spoken to you about it.

Instead he chose to have sex with someone else and then blame you for that sex instead of taking responsibility for his own actions.

If anyone should feel ashamed it's him, but he sounds completely shameless and entitled tbh.

WeAreDetective · 02/01/2014 14:01

All you have done is trust a man who made a commitment to you and the family you share. There is no shame in that. You are not responsible for his lousy behaviour! If we could never trust anyone, this would be an awful world to live in.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 02/01/2014 14:07

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. This is HIS fault, not yours.

maleview70 · 02/01/2014 14:23

You haven't really said what the aftermath of the discovery is. Does he want out too? Is he begging forgiveness?
What do you want?

For some people, an affair is something that you can't come back from and a split is therefore the only option. It was for me when my wife had an affair and I'll be honest, my life has improved since we split so it was a good decision. I was financially independent though so could move on without monetary worries.

For others, an affair is the end result of a marriage that wasn't going as it perhaps should have been. While it was
My wife who had the affair, I admit that I was part of the issue that led to this. It took me a while to realise that though and I have tried to avoid this again in subsequent relationships. An affair is never right but some
People do forgive and try to rebuild their marriage. It will only of course work if both parties want this and the person having the affair takes every step neccesary to start to rebuild trust etc....

Either way it is not always a case of LTB straight away. Or some it is, for others it isn't that simple.

I would follow what others often suggest and ask him to move out for a while (assuming he is asking for forgiveness) while you take some time to come to terms with this change in your life.

If after that you do not want to consider rebuilding then take steps to split and make a new life for yourself and your children.

I do agree with others though that his comments and other actions are not to be forgiven easily.

AuntieStella · 02/01/2014 14:25

Weirdly, I think at his attitude will, in the long run, make it easier for you. He is being honest about what a shit he is - not minimising or evading. And his risible attempt to make it your 'fault' is so blatant that it shows he has no interest whatsoever in reconciliation.

That diosn't make it any easier right now though, other than show you that when you emerge from first shock there is only one way ahead and it isn't with him.

BusWanker · 02/01/2014 14:42

He had a affair, he felt 'great'.
He won't feel that way for long.
It wont be easy but in a short while you will truly feel great. But without hurting anyone in the process.
You and you children will be happier and although your lives might be different than what you planned they will be better.

Original poster
QuiteSo · 02/01/2014 14:50

Maleview70, he's not begging for forgiveness. When I discovered all the messages (in the middle of the night, after he'd crawled into bed after a night with OW), it was a mixture of "oh no, I've been found out" and "I'm relieved it's finally come out." At the time I told him to pack his bags and leave but he said he didn't ever want to leave the kids.
Since then he's been trying to play superdad (perhaps upon realising the implications of his actions) and has supposedly told OW it can't go on like this. But I imagine if he left he could resume things with her.

OP posts:
lillil5 · 02/01/2014 15:04

Glad I am not the only one............ discovered husband affair just before Christmas played happy families for sake of three kids then threw him out on 28th .......thinking he would be back .......but he has decided that he does not want to come back and that our 12 year marriage and three children are not as important as his own happiness ....am in a deep dark hole right now and do not know where to turn .....help x

maleview70 · 02/01/2014 15:15

It's not his choice then if he isn't even sorry.

He will have to get used to the idea of not being with the kids although for someone who works 60hrs a week I'm no sure he would really miss them much anyway.

He can play Superdad from afar.....

What do you want? Gut feeling? Kick out or try to salvage?

GlitzAndGiggles · 02/01/2014 15:16

Ugh how dare he try and blame you! "Too focused on the kids"...just..Angry

HowAboutNo · 02/01/2014 15:25

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry this is happening to you, and that you and your children are going to be so much better off without him living with you. Of course they'll still see their dad, but they'll grow to see him for who he really is.

I sometimes think that people who have affairs will never be truly happy. I suspect your H is the same. The "it felt great" comment just shows how he's doing what feels good in the moment, but those moments never last. Then it'll be something else or someone else he needs to feel "great". This is painful as all hell for you, but at least you can rebuild your life knowing that you are a decent, kind and loving human being, which is worth far more than the love of this man.

Swipe left for the next trending thread