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Departed cheating scumbags who follow a "script"(31 Posts)
I only found MN when my stbx had departed already. If I had found it in the 3 years of miserable marriage that lead up to me finding out about his double life I would have been free of the misery a lot sooner.
Reading the relationship threads has helped me so much. The great and knowledgeable posters often talk about the "scrip"t that cheating men follow once they have left. It takes a lot of reading of threads to piece this together.
I've just read on MrsGorgeous's thread about the cheater going off to live with the OW, in presumably lustful bliss but then appearing dishevelled and looking ill as following the "script".
It would be great to know how this script progresses. My stbx looks like death warmed up, or so I am told too. I have not spoken to him or seen him since January. He is increasingly vile tempered, swears and is aggressive to all and sundry.
Could you tell me how things usually go on from here? Its very stressful having further blow after further blow when you are moving on and the leaver appears to be stuck themselves in bitterness and recrimination as though it was nothing to do with them!! Best example being for me not moving on with the divorce, refusing to meet legal deadlines etc.
Advice would be greatly appreciated.
He is showing the signs of a human being who does not want to face himself, and instead it is much easier for him to blame you.
I think very calmly and quietly say '[name], actions have consequences. I am sorry you don't like your consequences, but they are from the choices YOU TOOK. Please try and stop blaming everyone around you, and go to the counselling you should have done in the first place, to help you with your unhappiness and how to become a better human being This isn't about me and it isn't about marriage. This is about YOU'.
Use the various different phrases when pertinent 1000x broken record style. Do not deviate from 'the script'.
Thanks *Wobbly". I will learn that off by heart. He needs to have that said to him by a few other people other than me too.
A recent example of behaviour that would have suited that response exactly was telling me in an email to tell one of the DC's (16) that he would like an acknowledgement of his texts to him and to tell him he misses him and thinks of him every day. I ignored it. DC is able to make his own mind up about responding to texts. I did tell him about the missing him bit as there was an appropriate moment a few days later and DS said he didnt even think of me every day when he was here.
Sadly, that is one of the consequences of putting his personal pleasure in front of his family and children.
Because he wasn't missing him and thinking of him when he was ball deep in OW. And although it is understandable that he wasn't thinking of DS when he was in his bubble of ecstasy, this is one of the consequences.
What did he THINK was going to happen when he chose to have an affair?
I dont think he thought at all. .
Are they all totally deluded? Why on earth do so few men say, well I've done a bad thing and the best way to make things easier for myself in the long run is to make it easier for the family I have left behind? I'll cut my losses and move on and hopefully they will too. That way I will come out of this with a bit of respect from family and friends. They might come out of it better financially too as a result, at the very least by reducing solicitors fees.
I would just like to correct OP.
My husband never went to live with the OW. He moved into his Mums house...where he still is.
It might have been better if he had moved in with OW because then it would've made it a bit easier for us , his family.
But then those were his words to my daughter..." if there was someone else it would be easier to leave"
I second ABitWobblyNow's post. Exactly what you should say to him. Do not show an ounce of weakness or self doubt. People do not have affairs because of some failing of their partner - they have affairs because THEY WANT TO.
But surely there is an element of failing of a partner in some affairs. Most people who are happy don't have affairs. If they are unhappy then this usually means two people are responsible. My exw having an affair was partly down to the way I treated her so a failing on my part.
So my husband wasn't happy then...maybe not but he did an Oscar winning performance kidding everyone, me , his children, family , friends and neighbours that he was happy.
He forgot to tell me that although he was refurbishing our kitchen and buying all new mod cons and retiling the bathroom and installing high tech equipment, making plans for our holidays booked this year and talking about going to Australia on a cruise some time in the future that he had no intention of sharing all this with me because he was engrossed in an affair that was to destroy 24 years of our relationship.
I agree with MrsG. My husband never showed any sign of being unhappy. Granted we had a rough couple of months, all 3 of us being ill, my aunt died of cancer and we both got stressed out with work, but things were starting to get better. We too were planning family holidays, bought a family pass for the nearby play area (the day before he walked out), talking about the future. His own brother has said that he wasnt unhappy... Every single person says to me when they hear we have split up, but you two were always so happy! Like you say obviously an oscar winning performance to everybody else....
My H was happy here until he started texting his best friends wife and within a month of repeated contact with her, he walked out on us.
Im not saying Im perfect, I know that some of his issues did have valid points and I addressed them, but he wasnt prepared to accept that things could be different and kept digging up new problems.
Sorry maleview. I completely disagree. If you are not happy ina relationship you do not shag someone else. You face up to it and try and make the marriage/ relationship work or (if that's not possible) you leave. Having an affair is the easy way out. You don't have to face your problems at home. Doesn't matter that you may destroy you partner and kids. Sorry but I don't believe the partner is ever to blame for an affair.
Twunt followed "the script" down to the letter, therefore I feel, like many lovely people on here who helped me identify the script, as somewhat of an expert.
1. They become very self absorbed, and determined to 'find the happiness they deserve'. They feel they are entitled to this, regardless of the fallout to the family they leave. Before leaving, they often detach themselves from their family. This is giving them a headstart - they know they're going, so they leave mentally. Twunt became cruel, distant and cold. I felt I was constantly being tested and found lacking. I later realised that nothing I did or said would have changed his mind, but he was quite happy for me to feel all the responsibility for the crumbling of the marriage (22 years). He didn't have the guts to actually go, so behaved so appallingly that I threw him out.
2. They become angry with you. Twunt wanted out for almost a year before he left. He had told me he no longer loved me, but he wanted to leave when he wanted to. I took the initiative, threw him out one Wednesday, and started divorce proceedings the next Wednesday. The anger radiated off him in waves. I was stunned by this - because I thought I'd given him what he wanted. The wise ladies on here nodded sagely and said "Of course he's angry....he's furious with you". When I asked why, they explained that this is typical. He wanted to control things. Perhaps he wanted to return at some point if life with Lady Twunt didn't work out. Perhaps he wanted to stay with Lady Twunt, and start divorce proceedings himself, when it suited him. Perhaps he wanted to carry on having "the happiness he deserved" without reality and divorce petitions bursting his fantasy bubble.
3. In order to justify their appalling treatment of us, they have to re-write history. We become weak, nagging, a pain to live with. "See!" they cry to all who will listen "she was unbearable - I tried so hard, but she was a nightmare, so demanding...I had do do everything". They then get the biggest shock of all, when we again burst their bubble. I had the audacity to be ok. To file for divorce. So I wasn't the weak little woman he had tried to tell everyone I was. I could cope without him. So, ditto more anger.
4. They do everything in their power to hold up the divorce. They don't want to return, but they are bloody fuming that they are no longer running the show. "This is all moving too fast" bemoaned Twunt last September as he ignored yet another solicitor's letter.
5. They are not happy, and they may well have regrets, but they feel so justified that what they are dong is right, they become more and more self centred and obsessed. Twunt started dressing more and more like a member of JLS, complete with fake tan and an admirable collection of L'Oreal for Men products. This was in complete contrast to the pre-twunt days, when he looked like a normal middle aged bloke. This caused much mirth from teenage kids when he deigned to visit, and we still giggle over the lycra running shorts.
6. They loathe being ignored. Twunts ego was being massaged by Lady Twunt, but she was/is found lacking; he's bloody furious that I am coping and am happier than he is. "How can she be happy! She's not with me - it's impossible" I bet he thinks. So he gets petty and nasty to the kids. They, having learnt from their mother, ignore him too. So he argues over the settlement to try and take some control back. To try and make himself matter to us. We ignore this, and he stops paying the maintenance. My SHL (Shit hot lawyer) rolls her eyes, gives him a slap and puts him back in his place, increasing the maintenance just because she can.
7. They sulk. Things are not going according to plan. This isn't the way it was meant to work out. THEY DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
8. They want sympathy. They tell you that they would like you to 'work on the kids' on their behalf. They act hurt and wounded when you tell them to f*ck off.
9. They are getting really desperate now, so stop caring too much about how they look. They are seen lurking in Tesco's minus fake tan and eye gel. They tell friends they are "coping" but "sad that things have turned out like this...all they wanted was to be happy".
10. (Where I am now). They move house (again) and try to buy the kids with expensive phones. They fall over backwards to offer lifts and even say they will lay on parties for the kids. They feel hurt and wounded when kids tell them to stick their phones.....
I agree - an affair says a lot about the cheater and not about the relationship or the wronged party.
No marriage is perfect and there will always be issues - dealing with these by shagging OW/OM will not make things better.
Friends and family were gobsmacked when they learned of my H's affair - they all thought he was very happy and totally devoted to his wife and family.
My H never said a word about his "unhappiness" until the day he said he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and that was because I asked him if he was ok as he seemed very stressed.
Maleview you are right, "Most people who are happy don't have affairs. If they are unhappy then this usually means two people are responsible."
this is what healthy, non-self-absorbed people do:
1. they open their mouth
2. they write a letter
3. and really healthy people, book a counsellor.
Then, with the mutual regard, respect, listening to eachother and each owning their part to play, they resolve things. There is no such thing as a relationship without issues. There can't be. Because relationships make up TWO INDIVIDUALS, each with their own thoughts, feelings and desires, and it takes COMMUNICATION and CO-OPERATION to make a relationship. There is no such thing as a perfect partner or a soul-mate.
Be logical. If you are feeling unhappy with life, resentful of your partner, exactly how does fucking someone else without their knowledge or their consent, fix anything? Exactly how does that make anyone happy?
No, you have to think you are pretty 'special', and that rules are for 'little people', and that you 'deserve' this, to do that. And when you think this way, you are deluded.
As the others say, the decision to turn to a third party is ENTIRELY in the character, and the choice, of the person choosing to betray.
MAHC snap - the first I heard that my husband was unhappy was the day he walked out. He seemed to think it entirely acceptable that he could decide on his own that the marriage was over and leave and I wasnt even aware that he was unhappy or that we had problems. Got same reaction as you from all family and friends, that nice, shy, quiet, devoted family man and husband could just walk out on his family with no warning....
First, sorry MrsG I did read the whole thread too..
SaffysMum that is a brilliant summary of the "script". Thanks for that and it just about sums it up my situation.
Maleview my stbx refused to discuss our relationship point blank at any time with me never mind have counselling. He said he hadnt got time. . How can you not have time to try and rescue a dying marriage? Clearly in his case because he decided his best option to improve his lot was to shag a member of his staff. I ended up going to counselling on my own to try and find a solution or at least an explanation as to why he had started to behave so badly towards me and my kids. He never choose the healthy options abitwobbly describes. It would have no doubt caused him to face up to his weaknesses and that is too much for these self absorbed Twunts.
I agree that they should address the issue and that affairs are the selfish way out. My exw paid the ultimate price for her affair.
Just because your husbands appeared happy does not mean they were. Men are crap at discussing feelings and jwill ust go with the flow. If men would have the bollocks to talk more about the way they feel then as long as their respective partners were able to listen instead of getting all defensive then the number of men who have affairs would fall.
I did also say failings of the partner in SOME affairs not all.
maleview you have got that spot on - my husband never talked to me about how he was feeling, he simply walked out when it was too late to do anything about it. "This is the way I am, I dont like to say anything to upset you or hurt you" No, but its ok to hurt me by walking out on me?! He then blamed me for his being unhappy for years..
He refused to go to Relate "as no point". thereby still refusing to talk about the problems... Every time we did talk I reacted very calmly whereas he refused to open up, until he wrote me an extremely nasty letter, he was able to open up then..
But a month before he left, he turned to his best mates wife for comfort and understanding, by texting her repeatedly from 8am til bedtime every day, so was able to tell her how he felt and how horrible I was to him.....
I don't think its a partners job to make the others happiness their priority. You can't rely on other people to make you happy, especially if you don't communicate. Its ok acting happy, but being miserable and expecting your partner to magically fix things, is childish. Infact having an affair is childish. so I suppose it shouldn't be a surprise that they have an affair. If people can justify their affair by their partners actions, they know there is a problem.
Another thread that could have been written about exp. so happy to be back on mn! I have learned so much recently and it's made recovery much easier knowing these are recognisable behaviours and not just the effect I had on him
I agree Scarred I really does help.
I'm at the stage of being hugely frustrated about the finances not being settled. I cant bear any more off the attempts at control from afar that Saffy mentions when she talks about them doing everything in their power to hold up the divorce.
I've asked via solicitors for the house to be put on the market. No response. There is no reason in the world I can think of why he wouldnt snap my hand off on this. He is paying the mortgage. ...It is entirely illogical. I'm beginning to wonder whether I just show him the opposite of what I want. Since I asked to be "allowed" to sell the house life has got quite busy and actually for now I couldnt care less.
We've even had the phone thing Saffy
Saffysmum - Thank you for making me smile. Feeling a bit low today, as EXh got married last week to OW (only left last Sept and no OW involved in leaving of course), and the finances are still not quite sorted, despite him trying to take control. But the script is soooooo true.
Toddlers, that's not surprising you feel low. That's no time at all. Hope you're ok. He won't be fooling anyone that they only got together recently.
Saffysmum - brilliant!
My xh dragged his heels for years over our divorce. God knows why. I think it was purely the control element but it all ended up costing a fortune in solicitors fees. Irritating.
I remember the part of xh's script where he portrayed me as lazy to all and sundry - after he left I got myself a full time job, got a diploma at night school, gained a work related qualification, managed our big house by myself (learned to use his beast of a lawn mower and everything!) have redecorated throughout and looked after the dcs 95% of the time without help.
Kind of blew his case out of the water, the twat. life is a lot easier without him to run round after as well. Ow has recently had a baby and I hope he's as fecking useless to her as he was to me.
Spring, what did you learn in counselling? What did the counsellor say?
That is a big question Wobbly because I have learned so much. I'm still going, and it is more than I can really afford financially but really it is priceless in terms of helping me to get through it.
My counselling has been in two parts. I went first for about 3 months before I discovered the affair. I went on the premise that I knew my marriage was dead in the water. Basically I had been in your stage 1. for a couple of years and I could feel myself really going under. I went in on the first session and said I need to change this and I dont know why it is like it is or how to get out of it. My counsellor identified that stbx gave me nothing in the relationship and had become the controller. She gave me different ways of responding to him. It did work to some extent and I got my self confidence back. She identified that I had become very hard on myself as a result of his constant cristisism and kept manically busy with family to make up for stbx's continuing disassociation from them. Things improved for me to the extent that I decided to stop going. She had given me ways of responding to him that illicited better behaviour. Duriing this time he had a near fatal accident and I was completely emotionless about it. I knew then I had no love for him, although equally I had no hatred and it could have been saved if he had wanted it to and worked on it. A couple of months later I got him to admit the double life he was living. Considering that now for the first time I would say the counselling allowed me to "get under his skin" enough to get him to admit it without just storming out of the house.
Then, of course I went back to counselling to help me through the fall out. Its been 11 months now.
Without this becoming the longest post ever I would sum up this second lot of counselling of providing me with an understanding of my feelings and a freedom to express them in a way that friends often cannot allow you to do because your distress makes them too sad.
I've learnt that anger is ok, and it doesnt need to be destructive but a positive way of getting the required distancing. Also that children of all ages do not need to have a good relationship with their father to have a happy life, I do not need to "manage" their relationship with their father. I've learnt to consider things before acting and distance myself in true MN fashion. Most of all I know that none of this is my fault. I suppose I have been lucky with a very good counsellor. It might sound like a long time to need counselling but my situation has been made worse by my stbx assaulting me, and as a result I've had 6 months of waiting for the trial to take place. Not long now.
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