'If you leave me I'll kill myself'....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Indulge me MN-ers. How many of you had that threatened at some point when you were leaving an abusive bully and how many of the abusive bullies are still with us today?

The irony is (I'm not sure I mean irony here) is that these ridiculous, controlling empty threats make it a lot harder for other people to say 'I am having a problem...'

Ppaka, for what it's worth, one of my early symptoms is hypochondria. I have a list stuck to the fridge so that we can pick up early symptoms, and that, not being able to eat, flashbacks, and the sudden uncontrollable belief that I only have one leg are all on there. My doctor has it on her records that if I go in with symptoms of something, if there are no actual signs of something, then it's probably a sign of the other thing.

So, in short, a doctor would be a far more appropriate person for him to complain to than you.

Can I jump in and say threats made by mentally ill (BPD, bipolar, depression, et al) are vastly different to those made out of spite. Yes, they are for attention, but they are rarely idle - they are made through pure fear, shame, guilt and anxiety - those people want help, but sometimes do not know the most appropriate way to go about getting it. It is still worrisome, selfish to some degree and can be annoying if it happens regularly, but it's a red flag that the person who makes the threats is not well and needs people to help in some way.

Idle threats, ie those that are made for manipulative and forceful reasons are low. Suicide is not a bargaining tool, and in its purest form, is not cowardly or selfish - it is an act of desperation and hopelessness.

There's no pure form of suicide, I don't think. Motivations can be as varied as the individual. We don't want to think anyone would kill themselves for malicious or spiteful reasons - we want to feel sympathetic towards them - but it's very clear some do.

I think I will start my own thread, I don't want to upset anyone here

Just curious Cogito, the reason for your OP. Everything ok?

Ppaka yes please start your own thread for the support you need. In short, everytime he threatens it, call for ambulance, if there's no immediate risk to him, perhaps call 101 to get advice and RL support for you.

I told here that my ex threatened it once. It was a manipulative move, I knew that at the time and reacted accordingly.

I have experienced terminally awful non-drug responsive depression. I survived the attempt I made.

That was over 15 yrs ago now, and i've never been close to being depressed again.

I would remove the worse 'selfish' and replace it with self-focussed. Depression consumes your body, mind, everything, everything bad relates back to you.

I heard that depression is anger turned inwards. I think there's a lot in that. It makes a lot of sense.

Making the decision I did was not from weakness, it was to end the war I was fighting (and losing) i'd had enough. I felt that if others knew the pain i'd been in, they'd understand.

I know it was wrong, I did at the time, but the decision was all about ME really, in that I was awful, a pain, a burden and spiralling down hill.

The day after I was released from hospital I felt stronger than before, I think i'd faced down the blackness and survived. I'd won. I've not been depressed since, which if you knew the last few years i've had, would surprise you.

This thread is about those who make the threat to manipulate others. They do it out of their superego, not the loss of it.

Everything OK with me, thanks Solo. :) Reason for the thread was that I became conscious that an awful lot of posters in abusive relationships were getting the 'if you leave me I'll kill myself' treatment and feeling all the worry and guilt that goes with it. I'd like to think that a thread with 100+ responses from people who had had the exact same experience might go some way to reassuring those people that, in a high percentage of the cases, it's just a cruel threat.

My mum used to threaten it.

She did have depression as she had a terrible upbringing. But I think she she did it as a manipulation tool.

It seemed on significant birthdays she would have an episode.

My 16 birthday she rang me up after having NC for a few months to wish me happy birthday and sounded strange . I asked her why she told me she was in the MH ward after trying to hang herself. She also told the MH workers she had ecstasy tablets in her had and they physically restrained her to get them off her but they were the little polo mints and she KNEW they were.

My db heard noises out side his bedroom door on his 16th birthday and heard noises out side his bedroom door and it was DM trying to tie a tv cord around the loft door apparently trying to hang her self.

On my the night before my db gf 21st birthday DM phoned him and accused him of multiple lies and said she was going to kill herself. Db then spent gf birthday knocking on DM door and trying to get in. She was fine of course.

We both have NC with her, but it does worry me that one day she will do it for good.

My exh threatened this, and to take the kids with him.

Strangely they are all still here. I did leave him, have remarried and am on reasonable term with him now, as is my new DH!

It is a long time ago though, and things were VERY acrimonious for a long time.

After he had strangled me, and I gathered all my strength and refused to resume the relationship, ex p threatened to kill himself. I had read on here the advice about calling the police, which I did. Asked them to visit anonymously, but unfortunately he heard my name mentioned on police radio. Think he was a bit embarrassed as it called his bluff somewhat. Next it was the' I've got a terminal illness' phone call. He screwed my mind, and my dc, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but hope karma gets him somehow.

Mine. It's what kept me scared and tied to him for years. He also said that he would kill the children and I first. At that point I started to realise things were far from normal.

Suicide is high amongst men whose marriages fail - lots of info and ressarch available online with a google.

Yeah... But we aren't talking about those, we are taking about the ones who use it as a bargaining tool in order to get their own way.

Tawse, that is why I took it seriously enough to spend 30 min with ex, and called his parents. And why I left within the hour when the threatened to kill himself as well as me and DS. I was particularly concerned about the men who do just that.

But not enough to think I should go back because of the possibility that he would kill himself.

I've just had this, seriously, just this evening
Told me to give him a few months

Actually thinking on this, why is it relevant to the discussion that some men do commit suicide after divorce, should those of us who've been given the ultimatum "stay with me or I'll kill myself" have stayed just in case? If they had killed themselves should we have felt to blame? Why shouldn't we be free to walk away if we aren't happy in a relationship?

I had this after my stbxh discovered i was entitled to half our assets when i left him after 26 years of manipulation, arrogance and mind games.
He told me I had taken his family away from him (despite never being involved with them when we were together) and now i wanted to take 'his' money from him. He then said he may as well end it all.
5 weeks later he had moved in with his new partner and as he is fighting the financial settlement tooth and nail i presume he is still alive!

I suppose it would be relevant if Google could also tell us how many of those unfortunate men had used 'I'll kill myself' as a threat before they did it. I suspect precious few.

Glad to know everything's OK Cognito :)

MOG nobody should feel guilty, but that probably stops very few from feeling it. My exh1 and I had been apart for almost 2 decades and I hadn't seen him after taking out an injunction 17 years before he killed himself. Didn't stop my feelings about it at all, but did I want those feelings? Of course not! God only knows what the gf that left him just prior to his suicide felt/feels like :(

Tawse from what I've seen in the News it is also very high among young men, many of whom haven't married and been through a divorce.

There is a vast difference between emotionally blackmailing someone with the threat of suicide and ending your own Life out of desperation.

Nice one tawse - way to make everyone reading this thread and taking help and comfort from it to feel SHIT again.

Thing is, even if it's not a threat, even if they would do it, that's not a good reason to stay.

My mother threatened to, repeatedly, from my very early teens onwards. The last time I can remember was because I wasn't planning on spending Christmas with her. I went ahead with my original plans. She didn't kill herself. She died of entirely natural causes some years ago and I still felt enough misplaced guilt to need an awful lot of bereavement counselling.

I hate these threats deeply. Like MoG says, why should you live your life hostage to threats like this? it's no better than being a slave without freedom or the right to live your own life. They are wicked threats to make.

Because yes, people do feel guilty if it happens even if it's not their fault and it ruins some people for life. The thought of a small child finding their parent's body is just ... horrific.

Loathsome, wicked threats to make (if it's deliberate manipulation and not genuine deep distress)