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Original poster

'If you leave me I'll kill myself'....

247 replies

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2014 12:43

Indulge me MN-ers. How many of you had that threatened at some point when you were leaving an abusive bully and how many of the abusive bullies are still with us today?

OP posts:
SinisterSal · 02/01/2014 16:39

My first boyfriend.

He was pissed at the time so didn't taek it seriously, on the other hand there was a spate of suicides by young men in our area at the time so sort of did.

My mum rang his mum in the end. He's fine

NameoftheRose · 02/01/2014 16:42

My ex threatened suicide when I left. Even took an "overdose" in front of me once. I called 999 and left the house. I knew he hadn't taken enough to do any harm.

20 years later he's still going strong. tenacious bugger What a trooper!

Yes he was a grade A abuser too. Seems to go with the territory.

JaceyBee · 02/01/2014 17:15

Yes it does seem to go with the territory for abusive men to threaten suicide and I think most of the time it's just a desperate attempt to regain control and power.

However, it's a myth that people who are serious about it don't talk about it first, a lot of them talk about it a lot before going on to do it.

I would advise anyone in this position to contact he persons GP as they can arrange a psych assessment or their CPN if they have one. If not possible then it has to be the police. They see these situations all the time and will know what to do. No-one should have to deal with this alone.

brokenhearted55a · 02/01/2014 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineOnACrappyDay · 02/01/2014 17:46

Abusive XH did this to me. We lived in a second floor flat and he climbed over the balcony rail. Spent a few minutes letting go with one hand then the other.

I was close to walking out, instead I called mum who suggested I call emergency services. XH climbed back in as the fire brigade arrived. He punched me later after I told the CPN exactly how much was drinking.

That was over 10 years ago.

My best mate tried on and off for years to kill herself. Before the last time she'd hinted to other people about her funeral wishes etc., but it was only recognised in hindsight. She's been dead for 9 years and I miss her terribly.

LividofLondon · 02/01/2014 17:53

I've had it too. My thoughts were "what a twat, trying to blackmail me emotionally" rather than feeling sorry for him (I'd giving him lots of warnings about his behaviour). It was a situation where he knew I didn't want anything serious from him (explained on day one) yet he fell for me and couldn't accept I hadn't altered my views on our "relationship". I phoned the Police, explained he'd threatened suicide, and they sent 2 officers to check on him. He, of course, was just bluffing so got a right telling off from them, much to his embarrassment they told me. He was told not to contact me again but about a year later he emailed me asking to meet romantically, so he was alive and well then. Not sure about now, but I bet he's OK.

Uptonogoodagain · 02/01/2014 17:55

My x said this.

17leftfeet · 02/01/2014 18:02

My ex tried it

The first time the threat worked and I stayed

The second time I told him to go right ahead

He's still with us but not with me!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/01/2014 18:31

Here as well. I was 18 or 19 and told him to do it outside and not make too much of a mess of it, then walked away. Nope, he didn't do it.

cafesociety · 02/01/2014 19:26

My exH left me with no choice but to make the decision to end the marriage, and as he left he said he was so upset and loved me so much he was going to drive into a wall and kill himself.

He didn't. He drove to his mum and dads [aww] and lived the single life to the full for 5 years.

He went on to meet someone, had 2 children with her and completely and utterly dropped all contact with his first 2. Too difficult to be a father to all his children obviously. Now has no interest whatsoever in 3 grandsons - his huge loss.

ManualSpaniel · 02/01/2014 19:58

Solo - your post resonates. A friends exP had a failed attempt and ended up seriously paralysed. Although he threatened it for years before she left, we never thought he'd do it. His attempt has altered his life forever and she moved countries to get over it. I think she's still plagued with guilt.

ouryve · 02/01/2014 19:59

Yes and yes.

CinderellaRockefeller · 02/01/2014 20:27

My bully of an ex threatened it when I was 18 and finally dumped the horrible control freak. I met him when I was 15 and he had allegedly just tried to kill himself by cutting his wrist and putting it in a bucket of water as his last girlfriend dumped him. I rang his mum (who gave me a mouthful of abuse for upsetting her precious)

With grown up hindsight the previous scratches looked like something the cat did, rather than serious attempts.

He's married with two kids now. Bet he's still a total knob though.

CinderellaRockefeller · 02/01/2014 20:28

He was 27 as well, so really should have known better!

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 02/01/2014 20:35

Yes he did, and no he didn't. What an abusive cock he was. And now is to someone else

SmileItsANewYear · 02/01/2014 20:39

My ex said this... It's a very odd thing to say when there is no intention behind it.

AnitaManeater · 02/01/2014 20:57

My first boyfriend ( who was very unhinged looking back on things) took an overdose of about 50 of his epilepsy tablets when I told him I couldn't go out as I had homework to do ( I was 16 he was 19) He turned up at my mums house and collapsed on the driveway. Called his mum who got him to hospital and had his stomach pumped.

Second boyfriend, DSs dad, used to regularly overdose on ibuprofen and then puke them back up a few mins later. He also had a ready made noose hanging from the purlin over the loft hatch. Cut him down so many times I lost count. Should have just rung 999 and let them deal with it.

HissyNewYear · 02/01/2014 23:28

My ex is Mister God of All Things. 10 years he 'ruled' me and everyone who knew him.

Even he threatened it when i'd got rid of him and wouldn't quake in fear at his every word.

I always thought he'd be the exception. But just like all the others... he did it too.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 02/01/2014 23:53

Yes, had the standard threats of suicide if I left him from abusive ex-h. He is still alive and well.

I like the oft-mentioned advice here of calling ambulance when such a threat is made. I didn't do that in his case, though. I saw it as the manipulation it was and told him it was his choice if he did (like all abusers he wanted to make it my responsibility).

Frizzbonce · 03/01/2014 00:07

This thread should be added to the Mumsnet Bumper Book of Red Flags. In my early twenties I went out with a hideous control freak knobber. When I finally saw sense and dumped him, he basically stalked me. After weeks of this, he rang me up and said: 'I've got pills and I'm going to take them - one by one so you can hear me topping meself!' He then proceeded to make over-the-top swallowing noises as he downed each 'pill'. I asked him if he was taking them with alcohol. 'You know I don't drink' he said in a hurt voice. 'So how many is that?' I asked. 'I've only counted four.' At this point he called me a 'heartless cunt' and hung up.

And yes, twenty years later I hear he's still alive, and bald. Grin

bouncyagain · 03/01/2014 06:55

Just to add a serious note to the levity:

Samaritans 08457 90 90 90

24 hours a day

Original poster
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 07:39

And another serious note. If anyone's presented with a similar situation and you're not sure they are genuine, calling the police (as several people have done) is the safest option.

I hope no-one's taking this thread as making light of suicide in general because that wasn't my intention. But I think it illustrates that, in the context of abusive relationships, these type of threats are reasonably common and their aim is usually to terrify/guilt-trip the victim back into line.

OP posts:
Meerka · 03/01/2014 07:43

such a shitty trick too. Anyone with half a heart is going to be yanked hard by a threat like that .. at least the first few times.

oakmouse · 03/01/2014 07:51

Cogito this thread is wonderfully therapeutic for me. I am in a difficult marriage and have been told if I leave dh will kill himself. I am not planning to leave, but there is a world of difference between choosing to stay for good reasons and having to stay out of terror that you will otherwise be responsible for someone's death.

CaptainCorellisVentolin · 03/01/2014 08:00

My XBF killed himself on my birthday, which was roughly 4 months after I'd left him and indeed left the country. He NEVER threatened it though.

I am a firm believer in the saying "barking dogs don't bite". My EA XH DID threaten it. After I had caught him out on his umpteenth affair. Sadly (really, sadly!) he is still very much alive and trying to make my life a misery whilst married to the next wife.....He still can not stand the fact I did not completely (almost but not quite) crumbled when he finally left me for his secretary. Bullies will always try every avenue to make their victims submit to more bullying or guilt trip them.

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