'If you leave me I'll kill myself'....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Indulge me MN-ers. How many of you had that threatened at some point when you were leaving an abusive bully and how many of the abusive bullies are still with us today?

FWIW I know someone who killed himself a few weeks before his STBXW and DS were about to move out of the family home. He didn't use it as a threat but, having said that, I'm convinced it was done out of pure unadulterated spite. Reason being he arranged it all so that his body was discovered... by the DS. Sickening.

That's horrible Cogito, a dreadful thing to do to a child. How old was the LO and how is he now?

That really is a horrible thing To do To a child Cogito I hope the DS had/will Get help To deal with it.

I knew someone who commited suicide while the DP was at work, but they left a note outside telling the DP not To entre the house but call the police. It was done specificaly so the DP wouldn't find them and there was no malice in it.

I think he was about 12 at the time and it's not all that long ago. The suffering is intense still. Guilt, blame... it's a mess.

Not to me but a guy I worked with had form for sending 'farewell' texts to other colleagues after being out on a Saturday night. He never did though. It was all for attention.

He has BPD and it used to occur when he was at his lowest. But this is no excuse as it terrified our colleagues as he would then keep his phone off until he'd arrive at work on Monday morning.

He never tried this on with me though, as he knew that I would have no truck with this sort of behavior. I only found out about it after he left.

Are you close enough To suggest some kind if councelling Cogito?

(Don't want to derail my own thread). Just to say, not close enough personally because it's a 'friend of a friend' situation. My immediate friend was struggling with his reaction, particularly the anger he felt, and that's how I know about it. It's not my only experience, unfortunately, and having seen the impact of suicide up close, how many people it affects and the sheer pain, bewilderment, guilt and, yes, anger left in its wake for years, I think anyone using it as an idle threat for their own sick purposes is utterly vile.

Cog, my Uncle killed himself years ago, he was found by my cousin who is now an adult with a child of his own. For a long time he was in pieces, but after lots of counselling has come to terms (and stopped blaming his mum)

He can't understand how his dad could have done that to him.

He can't understand how his dad could have done that to him.

Quite.

When ex was threatening suicide, I mostly kept telling him that DS would be very disappointed and would miss his dad.
And I called his parents too. I think they rang him, but he didn't answer. Not sure he'd be able to explain it all to them. Or want to face them.

I didn't call the police, I reckoned that after 30 min of threatening he didn't really want to do it.

When I was about 16 a boyfriend threatened this after I dumped him.
I was distraught and immediately told my big bad dad who obviously wise to this crap visited my ex with some rather strong pills and offered to ram them down his throat as he obviously couldn't manage it properly himself seeing as he was still alive.
Funnily enough never heard from him again but hes definitely still here.

I knew a guy who actually did. He left an ex wife and his child, as well as many friends who are still affected by it nearly 20 years laterr. It is the most cowardly act. He was a lovely guy but he did it to teach his ex a lesson which has tainted the memory everyone had of him. In fact, many of us became far more understanding of why his wife left him; the exact opposite of what he had wanted to achieve.

Otherwise, I have had bfs who have threatened to do it but they are all alive and kicking (probably literally - that would be one reason I dumped them). Abusive, contolling bullies. I think 3 bfs when I was young (obviously I was a bad judge of character).

My ex threatened to kill himself. I told him if he was serious he should see a doctor but that I couldn't help him. The way I saw it was that as I was part of the problem I was also the last person who could help. However, as far as I know he didn't attempt suicide and he is definitely alive and well.

Hints of imminent demise, whether self-inflicted or not, certainly count as emotional blackmail

I think this is for the most part true. However, being a mentally ill person in a relationship, occasionally I have to discuss with my husband where I am with my illness. Most of the time, it's good, and I can reassure him about that. Sometimes, however, it's not so good.

I've never threatened though. I suppose that's the difference. When I was at my worst, I told him in genuine fear that I didn't know how to prevent it for much longer. I was literally exhausted having to fight it all the time, and I was scared that it might happen despite my best efforts. It's hard to describe now, looking back, but I was having to assess every single thought to decide whether it was a harmful or insane thought. As it was, there were times I'd end up hurting myself, and I almost wouldn't notice until after it was done - I'd fight it for hours, then lose concentration and would end up with a knife in my hand.

Plus, when I was in the thick of it, my immediate concern was that he needed to leave, and with the children, because they needed some safety and security away from me.

So I've never threatened it, only informed, and then always in terms of 'I appear to be experiencing this particular symptom, so what should we do about that?'

I'm lucky in that it hasn't happened that often, though the periods of it happening are regularly prolonged. However, I have a support network, a psychiatrist, a therapist and a GP, and shedloads of medication. So I'm basically OK.

I recognise I'm sounding defensive here. It's just, it's the thing I feel guiltiest about. Neither of us asked for this particular thing to have happened, and I feel bad that his marriage comes with a whole heap of extra and unusual stress.

Looking I've been in the same position, this thread is specifically about the kind of people who use it as a bargaining tool. "Do as I say or I'll kill myself." Nothing like what you've described. It's hard, but try not to feel guilty.

It is gutting though. In that sense of 'do I say something, or do I not say something...?'

It's one of those thing that means there needs to be an immediate response. Everything gets dropped while we deal with me. I hate it, being that dependent.

I do know I've never used it as a bargaining point though! If anything, I'm embarrassed about it as a weakness.

@Looking... you aren't motivated by control. It's legitimate and sensible to say 'I think I'm becoming unwell'. It is quite different to use illness or threat of suicide to manipulate someone else.

you're trying to -manage- your condition, and you're thinking of the children and your partner. You are working with professionals and taking meds and doing eveyrthing you can. It can't be easy for any of you but it's patently clear you're doing your level best to be a decent human being. When you talk of it, from the sound of it, it's a problem to be solved, not a way to dominate and threaten the whole family.

The shits who use it to threaten and manipulate and guilt other people - they are a whole different kettle of fish

Looking, so sorry you suffer like that. We all know the difference between a person who uses threats for control and someone who needs help. No one is talking about or criticising people in genuine need. It is very sensible of ydou to ask for help when you need it; it must be a hard thing to do so much credit goes to you for recognising it.

Sorry - I totally didn't mean to derail. For a variety of reasons it's fresh in my mind today, and I find myself wondering whether it really is for the best that we all stay together.

Coming back to the actual point of the thread, I'm lucky in that it's never happened to me. I had one call my Mum to try to persuade me in an 'we're all looking out for you because you're clearly making a bad decision...' sort of way. She told him to bog off though.

Sorry but I think that's a really shit thing to say. Desperation and despair are not the same thing as cowardice. If you only know suicides who are 'selfish' then you know what - you are fucking lucky.

It is totally different, Looking.
I went through exH telling me he had suicide thoughts in a different context and I took them seriously. I mentioned them to the doctor and it led to his diagnosis of depression. I'd like to think he was not faking it.
When he threatened to kill himself after I left it sounded ott and totally fake.

Looking I think there is a massive difference between managing what is clearly a very difficult condition and using empty threats to manipulate and control. What you do is help your DH deal with your episodes, not to try and blackmail him.

Barbarian, cowardly and selfish in those circumstances. Not necessarily in other circumstances; for people like Looking who are genuinely suffering it is not at all. But for the guy I knew and the bfs I dumped, yes. Controlling, childish, cowardly and selfish.

Oh God
H has been threatening it recently

But I think he's changed his mind, he's been telling me he's having a heart attack instead

I just want to get through this Hell to the other side

Just want To add To the pps saying that Looking's situación is different.

You are clearly doing your best To manage your problems and sometimes that means alerting your DH that you are struggling and need extra care and help.

And the suicide I knew was not cowardly, I shan't Go into details as it's not my story To tell, but cowardice was absolutely not a part of it for them.

Those who do take their own lives are usually so desperate that they cannot see a way out of their situación. Those left behind have enough To deal with without misinformed people making sweeping statements that are wildly inacurate.

PPaka I would call his bluff and phone for an ambulancia, everytime he does it. I hope you Get To where you need To be soon.