How to deal with attention seeking sister, and the attention she gets from family

[notallthere]

I am fed up with my sister's attention seeking behaviour. I have had several years of poor mental health, and in the last few years, my sister claims to have developed them too. However I think she is just looking for attention.

I suffer from depression, which I hide from my family as much as possible to avoid worrying them, because I care about their feelings and I don't like the extra attention. When I am having a bad day, I will generally just stay away, so they can't see how I feel so I don't worry them.

I also have IBS, which is probably linked to the depression. Again when I have been ill from this I have hidden it as much as possible, staying in the bathroom when ill to avoid worrying my family.

My sister is very attention seeking, and I've noticed she seems to copy me, to get attention. She has mild special needs and throughout childhood all the attention was on her (and most of the time it still is) but during the time I was most seriously ill, understandably my parents devoted a long more attention to me (even though I didn't even want it and just wanted to be left alone).

A few years ago she claimed to have depression, but rather than hide away, she would spend most of the time shouting and screaming about how unfair her life was, upsetting everyone around her. My parents spent a lot of money on private counselling and therapy for her, none of which helped much (they never spent a penny on me and I've had depression for six years!). Although I am expected to be sympathetic, seeing as I have had depression myself and recognise what it actually looks and feels like, I think she was actually putting a lot of it on for attention, and didn't really have depression, which is why neither therapy nor medication helped her.

She also claimed to have IBS and would dramatically keel over in agony, one time even having an ambulance called to attend to her, when she was taken to hospital all they found was mild dehydration.

Although it is possible that she genuinely had these two conditions, she made a fast "recovery" from both with no long lasting symptoms, whilst I still suffer from these conditions and have relapses from time to time. I feel she is copying me for attention, and because she is the "golden" girl in the family and I am the "scapegoat" I know that nobody will believe me if I tell them this.

How should I deal with this situation? Is there anything I can do or should I just accept that she is always going to be attention seeking, even to the point where it means I don't get the support I need to deal with real health conditions.

I'm a bit put off meds at the moment.

I've been on three.

Fluoxetine I've been on twice, first time it worked but the second time it just never kicked it, at which point I switched to

Escitalopram which worked for a while and I took it for a few years but I had a bout of depression despite being on the escitalopram and increasing dose to maximum it wasn't helping so I switched to

Mirtazapine which had unpleasant side effects in that it made me feel numb. I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel anything. I came off it after about 3 months

After that the depression eventually cleared up on its own.

If I were to take meds again, I wouldn't know where to start.

"it also makes it far more difficult to make choices."

Difficult but not impossible. Do nothing often feels like the easy option but it's a choice like any other.

You could try doing the Shred. Twenty minutes per day of intense exercise. Some people react really positively to the endorphins, doesn't work for everyone but it might be a no meds way for you to treat your illness?

I suppose the problem is I'm worried I'm running too bit a risk, and the repercussions of moving out if it all went wrong would be pretty bad.

I am really struggling in my job at the moment due to the depression. I might end up having to leave. I have no back up plan. If I end up leaving, I will have to move back home and put up with "we told you so" because I will not be able to afford to live away from home. Plus I think moving out after being free for a bit will feel worse (I know coming home from uni did)

Skintorama, brilliant post

I know you must feel trapped notallthere but that doesn't mean you actually are. Where you live and what you do has nothing to do with your parents. The dynamic sounds more like an abusive controlling marriage then a parent child one

Your sisters behaviour would not affect you so much if you became independent. I also think you are being a little hard on your sister and she sounds genuinely ill, though I can also see why that knit of behaviour can be so upsetting

It does come to a point where helping yourself instead of waiting for things to change is the only option, not an easy one but necessary

Erm, you say you hide how you feel (physically and emotionally) from your family, but are 'hurt' that they don't notice when you feel bad.

Do you know why this is? It's because people aren't psychic. If you want support, you have to ask for it. It's your responsibility as an adult. You aren't a child (even if you are the child of the people you are seeking support from) and they can't play twenty questions and guess when/if you might be feeling bad. Your sister, as annoying as you find it, has the sense to let people know how she is feeling.

Stop expecting others to take this responsibility for you. They won't, and shouldn't. Your emotions, your responsibility.

Good luck.

You dont need to read the whole thread. people drop in and out of there as and when. the first posts have ALOT of useful links including the link for Susan Forward's book.

I would suggest going back to GP this week and asking for a councilling referral (you may have to really press for this) and to get your meds checked and back. This will probably help you to feel strong enough to start looking into carving yourself some independance.

It may be that you have to distance yourself from your family - even though you say you want their love and support. I suspect they have made you feel pretty worthless and secondrate, always below them and your sister. So when they DO focus attention on you it seems claustrophobic and possibly undeserving (as you have taken on that you are unworthy of recieving it) or you recognise the control where you have tried to be independant. This is a sure sign you need to move on. You will never get the attention you needed as a child from these people - they have failed you spectacularly as a child, but now it is not appropriate for you to be demanding childish attention. You need a period away from them, to find yourself, to find youre own voice, and to get the strength to return to see if you can control how they relate to you as an adult. If your sister remains in her childish role, that is up to her. She may not have the strength to do it herself. She may well have several more 'episodes' of hysterical behaviour. She may stay because she knows no different, or because the dysfunction fulfils something in her. But that is HER story and really, beyond recognition and a bit of irritation you need to stop making it paralyse you in bitter resentment.

Ask the GP, but I reckon you should give fluoxetine another try. Meds will help you get your thoughts together and make things less overwhelming. I would almost guarantee that your mental health will improve massively if you move out and more importantly detach.

"the repercussions of moving out if it all went wrong would be pretty bad."

Unpack that a little. Staying put means no support, spiralling depression, people you can't stand, IBS, hiding in bathrooms.... crap Moving out means your parents might jump up and down.... so what? You might have a relapse and lose your job.... there's JSA and Housing benefit, not to mention various allowances for people with conditions that affect their ability to work. There would be no reason to move back with parents.

Calin, I don't have a DH, or DP or anything.

If I moved away I would be all on my own. I'm a bit of a loner and don't find it easy to make friends (I have a few close friends, but no big groups) and I can imagine it would get very lonely.

My parents do have a habit of emotionally warping my thoughts slightly, especially as I am depressed. Deep down I know I would love to try teaching abroad. But my parents always say "Oh you wouldn't want to do that" so many times I know believe it is true.

Maybe it's me being dim but isn't Stately Homes thread for those with toxic parents? I haven't been on it so don't know. Surely Notallthere's parents arent toxic... imagine how difficult it is for them, juggling two daughters who need attention but then they are not giving the right sort of attention. Life must be pretty difficult for them too surely....

Notallthere - I have no idea how old you are but making the break is a necessity. Don't immediately jump in with "no, it's impossible" and it's not going to happen overnight but take small steps with that end in mind. It's a new year for you and it could be a new start and you might look back at the end of 2014 and realise this thread helped you turn your life round. Agree with Skint too... physical exercise can help and also as Cogito says - doing nothing is also a choice and not necessarily the right one.

OP... for someone who loathes their family so much, you seem to be incredibly determined to stay with them ... :)

did you not live away when at Uni?

Why would you have to go home if you lost your job?

If you take steps to improve your depression then I dont see why you risk losing your job anyway - you have done well to have qualified and to have found a position - that is a sucess. It sounds as if they expect you to fail. Even on a low wage you can get help and not need to go home.

I left at 19 when still at college. I have 'survived' on benefits for times but I have NEVER considered going back home until I was much older and rented a small annex to their house (for a VERY short time, I must add!!) Like CailinDana I told my parents very very little of my life to avoid the disapproval of my choices.

As a teacher why not try applying for things like VSO??

Rousette, I'm not sure if they are toxic or not.

They are kind of "borderline toxic" if that is such a thing.

The fact that when I am depressed they are not sorry for me, but sorry for themselves that they have a depressed daughter.

The fact that they emotionally make me feel I have to stay at home so much that even when everyone is saying the exact same thing that I should move out means they must be pretty controlling.

Go to your GP with the notes you put upthread about the meds and tell them that you're slipping back into depression. They should be able to advise on the best course of action from here: that's their job. If they don't know then ask them for an appropriate referral.

Keep up your job best you can. Go in, its one day at a time and get through the day. If its really impossible and you have chronic depression then next time you start feeling better you might want to think about a career change, but for now you just have to get through the days.

Once you are getting treatment for the depression you can start looking for a houseshare. Speak to friends, look around for people who want lodgers, are you still near your old university, have you looked on Gumtree? It doesn't matter that your parents want you to buy rather than rent, its not their life.

Does it occur to you that your parent think both you and your sister are damaged goods and that you are safest under their roof? Doesn't mean you have to agree with them but it doesn't make them controlling either.

look at this

I did live away at uni.

In my first year I lived in my parents choice of religious accommodation. I hated it. That was when I first had depression diagnosed (although I can now trace symptoms back to at least 11 years old)

In later years I lived with friends and in other halls, but never seemed to find a group of friends with whom I was happy, so moved every year.

I would have to go home if I had no job because I wouldn't be able to pay the rent.

PintOfTea (want one now!) that is spot on. OP don't look to fail - look to succeed by taking small steps to change your life. Whether that be going to the Doctor again, or taking your job one day at a time, it is all about trying to very very slowly change your mindset.

I just think that sometimes parents can't do right for doing wrong. Maybe they are just trying to care for you in a hamfisted way. OK it isn't the way you want but if you hide away in the bathroom perhaps they are trying to give you space.

If I had known about WWOOFing when I was younger then I am sure I would have given that a go UK site they also have lots of overseas opportunities

People with no jobs (or low paying jobs) rent quite happily using a thing called 'Housing Benefit'. Not everyone has the option of moving back home with the folks.... HB is not plain sailing, obviously, and there are certain restrictions but it allows thousands to live independently.

If you lost your job then you can get another one or if in the UK then there is housing benefit , or you could move back in with your parents, you've done it once when you finished uni. If they aren't willing to offer you that basic practical support then you are better off out of their house.

No, my parents really do want us to move out.

In the right way.

When we can afford to buy a property and preferably are married.

I want to move out, and my older sister does too. My younger sister doesn't, because she is the centre of attention and she enjoys that. She knows it will be hard to get that sort of attention anywhere else.