How to deal with attention seeking sister, and the attention she gets from family

[notallthere]

I am fed up with my sister's attention seeking behaviour. I have had several years of poor mental health, and in the last few years, my sister claims to have developed them too. However I think she is just looking for attention.

I suffer from depression, which I hide from my family as much as possible to avoid worrying them, because I care about their feelings and I don't like the extra attention. When I am having a bad day, I will generally just stay away, so they can't see how I feel so I don't worry them.

I also have IBS, which is probably linked to the depression. Again when I have been ill from this I have hidden it as much as possible, staying in the bathroom when ill to avoid worrying my family.

My sister is very attention seeking, and I've noticed she seems to copy me, to get attention. She has mild special needs and throughout childhood all the attention was on her (and most of the time it still is) but during the time I was most seriously ill, understandably my parents devoted a long more attention to me (even though I didn't even want it and just wanted to be left alone).

A few years ago she claimed to have depression, but rather than hide away, she would spend most of the time shouting and screaming about how unfair her life was, upsetting everyone around her. My parents spent a lot of money on private counselling and therapy for her, none of which helped much (they never spent a penny on me and I've had depression for six years!). Although I am expected to be sympathetic, seeing as I have had depression myself and recognise what it actually looks and feels like, I think she was actually putting a lot of it on for attention, and didn't really have depression, which is why neither therapy nor medication helped her.

She also claimed to have IBS and would dramatically keel over in agony, one time even having an ambulance called to attend to her, when she was taken to hospital all they found was mild dehydration.

Although it is possible that she genuinely had these two conditions, she made a fast "recovery" from both with no long lasting symptoms, whilst I still suffer from these conditions and have relapses from time to time. I feel she is copying me for attention, and because she is the "golden" girl in the family and I am the "scapegoat" I know that nobody will believe me if I tell them this.

How should I deal with this situation? Is there anything I can do or should I just accept that she is always going to be attention seeking, even to the point where it means I don't get the support I need to deal with real health conditions.

[CailinDana]

I think teaching abroad is an excellent idea. I worked abroad without my dh (then bf) and it did me the world of good.

[notallthere]

Could not even begin to imagine the shame and horror my parents would feel if one of their children ended up on housing benefit!

[Roussette]

Well... it must be hard for your parents to have THREE daughters who are in their 20's (if I've got that right) at home. I would imagine they are in their fifties or sixties and it isn't easy pleasing everyone. One of the three of you needs to be the first to make a move, perhaps it could be you notallthere.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Buy a place and be married as well? What throw-back, woman-hating religion is it they belong to exactly?

[NettleTea]

Are your parents very religious?
Do their feelings about how you should live/behave tie in with their religious beliefs (ie they are backed up by a wider community, rather than just being their own personal feelings)?

[MinesAPintOfTea]

You don't have to tell them if you receive benefits, if they ask how you're funding it just be vague.

[notallthere]

Judaism :P

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Could not even begin to imagine the shame and horror my parents would feel if one of their children ended up on housing benefit!"

I don't anger easily but FUCK their 'shame and horror'. It's 2014 not the 1930s

[Thetallesttower]

I am not saying you should definitely move out, I suspect your parents don't know what to do with either of you, because they are ordinary human beings and depression/anxiety is hard to deal with- so they are doing what they can, which may not be ideal, and may not be enough, but they are putting a roof over both your heads after uni, so they are clearly not extremely unsupportive at all.

That doesn't mean this is the right place for you to live, they do sound like they have fixed ideas on how you should live your life and perhaps your limitations, which is precisely why people leave home! To move on and live their own lives, and not the versions of their lives their parents believe they should live.

I don't think it is controlling of them on its own to say live with us or don't move abroad. If you are worried and don't think you can live out of their home, they probably think the same and so are not encouraging you to live abroad out of the range of family and friends.

You all seem trapped and their solution to helping you is to keep you close at home but this is suffocating.

Get some treatment and then think about what you want to do next, whether it be move out, or live at home but in a happier way and caring less about what your sister is up to.

This is NOT their problem to solve any more, as they are adults, and even if they are flawed and crap it is still not their responsibility or even within their power to fix this.

[notallthere]

They are not even that religious, just very traditional.

[CailinDana]

You absolutely need to get away from them.

[Roussette]

They are not even that religious, just very traditional.

So were mine, like you wouldn't believe. That's why I moved out at 17 and lived on fresh air and coped.

[LastOneDancing]

There is a third, older sister?

Do you get on? Does she also suffer from depression or SN? How does she feel about it all?

[Thetallesttower]

Notallthere there are three of you, you have a professional job and have already left for uni. It is not that plausible that they can then keep you in til you are married. This is not a coercive situation, it is one where fear is keeping you there and perhaps the ease of living with family (financial, housework etc)- I suggest reading 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' and getting help for your depression.

I know people from all kinds of traditional religious families, including very conservative ones, but in the main, the adult children grown up and leave- and they certainly don't tell their parents everything they get up to!!!

[Roussette]

Notallthere... OK... if you could wave a magic wand, what do you want? Do you want to stay at home but for your sister to be less demanding and tantrum prone? Do you want to be independent and living your own life somewhere away from the home? Do you want your depression treated so you can make a move? I think you have to sit down and have a long hard think as to what you actually want.

[notallthere]

I think part of the problem is because my family's main existence is caring about what my sister is doing, I find it hard to switch off from that.

Throughout my childhood, for as long as I can remember the focus has always been on her. She had extra language support before she was even school age, because my parents realised she had language problems. The conversation was always about how best to support her throughout her whole school career, and still continues today.

[CailinDana]

You do realise that that isn't your sister's fault?

[JaceyBee]

Do NOT leave your job, make it your priority to tackle your depression enough to enable to you stay. If you end up unemployed your situation would be 10 x worse. I KNOW it's difficult but leaving work and sitting around at home all day would be so bad for your mental well being.

You are a teacher and live at home, why can you not afford therapy? If you don't want to take meds that's fine, I don't like them as a treatment on their own anyway but please get yourself to a therapist straightaway.

[JaceyBee]

Also, why the fuck was your sisters counsellor discussing her with the family??!! That's ridiculous!!

[notallthere]

Yes, that isn't.

But the attention seeking is. She will always make sure she is the centre of attention.

[Thetallesttower]

Notallthere- please go and get help for your depression. It is causing you to feel very sorry for yourself and self-pitying and victim-like and not be able to see the wood for the trees.

Your parents don't have much choice about caring for a SN child who still has paddies into her twenties- you are very resentful of this, which is why it would be much better for you to remove yourself from this.

You seem to be saying that you want to take on the role of the ill/depressed/sick person in the house, but that would be very unhealthy for you who is also in your twenties.

You only seem to exist in your own mind in relation to your family- what about making you and your life the main event? What are your goals? Would you like a family?

I think you need to see the GP about counselling to set you on the right path as currently your obsession with how your family treat your sister is negatively impacting you and not making you better.

[notallthere]

Jacey, it was with my sisters permission.

It was because it was affecting the whole family, we were all struggling to deal with her uncontrollable tantrums.

[notallthere]

I don't want to be the depressed person. I don't want to be depressed at all.

But if I am unlucky enough to be suffering from depression, it would be nice to have some support once in a while.

[notallthere]

Jacey, it's a time issue r.e. therapy, not a money issue.

I usually leave the house at 7:15am, and get home around 6:30pm. Then I work for a few hours each evening and the weekend. No time for counselling.

[Thetallesttower]

notallthere- ring the doctors, or look at BACUP and ring a counsellor in your area today.

You are not listening to the posters.

Your parents are probably overwhelmed by having a SN adult who is still having tantrums, another dd who is depressed and an older sibling who is also not independent. They may be rubbish parents, they may not, but they won't have room to give emotional support to all of you- so you will need to get it elsewhere.

I'm sorry they don't pay you attention, but attention has not helped your sister, has it?

Take an active step towards seeing the GP or a counsellor rather than continuing to post on here, because I don't think we can help you given that your perspective is very skewed by depression.