How to deal with attention seeking sister, and the attention she gets from family

[notallthere]

I am fed up with my sister's attention seeking behaviour. I have had several years of poor mental health, and in the last few years, my sister claims to have developed them too. However I think she is just looking for attention.

I suffer from depression, which I hide from my family as much as possible to avoid worrying them, because I care about their feelings and I don't like the extra attention. When I am having a bad day, I will generally just stay away, so they can't see how I feel so I don't worry them.

I also have IBS, which is probably linked to the depression. Again when I have been ill from this I have hidden it as much as possible, staying in the bathroom when ill to avoid worrying my family.

My sister is very attention seeking, and I've noticed she seems to copy me, to get attention. She has mild special needs and throughout childhood all the attention was on her (and most of the time it still is) but during the time I was most seriously ill, understandably my parents devoted a long more attention to me (even though I didn't even want it and just wanted to be left alone).

A few years ago she claimed to have depression, but rather than hide away, she would spend most of the time shouting and screaming about how unfair her life was, upsetting everyone around her. My parents spent a lot of money on private counselling and therapy for her, none of which helped much (they never spent a penny on me and I've had depression for six years!). Although I am expected to be sympathetic, seeing as I have had depression myself and recognise what it actually looks and feels like, I think she was actually putting a lot of it on for attention, and didn't really have depression, which is why neither therapy nor medication helped her.

She also claimed to have IBS and would dramatically keel over in agony, one time even having an ambulance called to attend to her, when she was taken to hospital all they found was mild dehydration.

Although it is possible that she genuinely had these two conditions, she made a fast "recovery" from both with no long lasting symptoms, whilst I still suffer from these conditions and have relapses from time to time. I feel she is copying me for attention, and because she is the "golden" girl in the family and I am the "scapegoat" I know that nobody will believe me if I tell them this.

How should I deal with this situation? Is there anything I can do or should I just accept that she is always going to be attention seeking, even to the point where it means I don't get the support I need to deal with real health conditions.

[Pilgit]

I think you have to face it that you aren't going to get th support you want from your family. No one is going to solve your depression problem but you. I speak from experience. There is no knight in shining armour. There is no one else who is going to save you. Support is nice but you don't need it.

I think you know you need to move out. You don't need anyone's approval.

If you wait for your depression to go away you will never get better. Life isn't put on hold. Small steps and make a plan. Actively stop thinking about your sister. Stop thinking you are going to lose your job. You are giving your family too much power and denying how much you have.

There are 2 phrases that help me daily:
As you think so shall it be.
To dream of the person you ought to be is to waste the person you are.

You have a choice - stay stuck and co ntinue to be the victim. Or take control. It won't be easy. But you are worth the effort, aren't you?

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

I think that when you sit alone in your bedroom, you are secretly hoping that sooner or later, your mum or dad might come upstairs to see how you are doing, put their arm around you and give you the unconditional love and support you have always wanted from them.

It's not going to happen though, and as sad, hurtful and frustrating as that may be, I think that once you can accept that that is they way they are, you will be able to move on (emotionally and physically).

You've said that it is hard to see things in any way other than to focus on your sister, because that is the way it has always been, but you do have the power to break that pattern - try to put yourself first in your mind, instead of dwelling on the shortcomings of your sister and parents.

I do feel for you - it must have been horrible to feel sidelined in favour of your sister from an early age, but as everyone on the thread seems to be saying, once you are away from this very claustrophobic family dynamic, I think your depression will improve. Please accept that it is your situation at home that is making you feel so helpless and lost - then you will be able to move on. Good luck.

[perfectstorm]

Could not even begin to imagine the shame and horror my parents would feel if one of their children ended up on housing benefit!

So don't tell them. You're an adult woman and how you fund your life is your own business.

I've been depressed. I also have genuinely toxic parents. I got out and stayed out and haven't needed either antidepressants or counselling for years now. I'm happily married to someone lovely. Skint is right and she is helpful - saying "there, there" is to help you with the interior decor of the pit that is your current life, instead of offering you a ladder.

Move out. See a GP and get some help - ask about the meds again. ENlist on an exercise class and go as if your life depended on it - endorphins really can lift mood. If you have a coffee habit, go decaf for a while; it causes anxiety if already prone, too much caffeine. Join a book club; it's a great way to meet intelligent, interesting women. What do you like doing, really and truly? Baking? Clandestine Cake Clubs are all over the country. And so on. You are choosing to wallow, please believe me when I say I know how terrifying alternatives are but that's just the reality: nobody will improve your life for you, no magic wand or fairy godmother will appear. You have to do this for yourself, and small, simple steps like a new place to live, a weekly exercise class and a weekly hobby meeting will provide you with some of the structure you need to feel less lonely, less stuck and less desolate. Your life circumstances are depressing, no question, but if you don't change them then they aren't about to change. Full stop. You have to be the one to step up and start the ball rolling on your new, better life.

[Goldmandra]

OP, have you ever considered being assessed for Asperger's yourself?

Your rigidity of thought on this thread reminds me very much of a friend who has AS and my DD1 who also has it. It might be worth you Googling Tony Attwood and reading what he says about girls/women with AS.

[SilenceOfTheSAHMs]

OP, only YOU can change this.

You are a teacher. An intelligent, hardworking person.

You have the power to break free from this.

You don't need to tell your parents anything YOU ARE AN ADULT NOW.

Go to your GP. Tell them your depression has returned, they may well suggest different meds, more newer ones.

Then when you feel better, get the Hell out!!!

[AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers]

OP, you are so embroiled in this obsessive blame and negativity towards your parents and sisters, particularly the one with SN, that you are either incapable to, or refusing to, see your part in this.

Here are a few things that are very obvious to me (and Ihave said some of them in your previous threads):

It's not your sister's fault she has SN. You say she is attention-seeking, but people with SN do require more attention. Some of their behaviours and needs, which they may have no control over, or poor control over, or little or no awareness of, may well be attention-seeking. My brother has Asperger's and ADHD, and outsiders would call his normal self and behaviour very attention-seeking. But he really doesn't know he is doing it, couldn't understand why it was attention-seeking and wouldn't be able to change it. He is a highly intelligent man with a good job and a family, btw.

You must surely be able to see how illogical it is to seethe that your parents don't notice that you are depressed, but then you list all the various ways in which you totally hide it from them. You talk about how they 'must' notice that you are depressed and yet don't show it. You cannot presume that they notice when you go to such great lengths to hide it. It is incredibly unfair to be angry with them for not noticing when you hide it. And you cannot be angry with your sister for taking all the attention, attention which you clearly want a share of, when you are taking extreme measures to ensure that no attention befalls you. You are testing your parents and setting them up for a fall.

You say they don't notice you are depressed but then you say their only reaction to it is to feel sorry for themselves. How can they react like that if they don't know?

If it's true they do feel sorry for themselves, then, although that must be upsetting and unhelpful, they are only human. You are from a culture where mothers especially obsess about their children, are trained to blame themselves and feel overly responsible for their children, and where marriage is the pinnacle of female achievement. They have three adult daughters still at home, unmarried, one they know has had depression in the past and might have it now and is a martyr who won't help herself (you), and another has SN, and will probably never marry and they'll have to look after her forever, and will be worrying more with each passing year about what will happen when they're gone. So it is understandable, even if it's crap, that they might feel sorry for themselves.

You say they should be able to tell you're depressed because you stay in your room a lot, don't go out and so on. But you say you are a loner, don't really have many friends, don't make friends easily, and you belong to a culture where females are more restricted than the norm in terms of freedom to socialise, and stuff like that. Thus, your habits and behaviour would just seem perfectly normal for you. Add to this your determination to hide your depression from them, and it'd be more surprising that they would guess you were depressed, not the other way round.

You sound like you are hoping and waiting for them to notice that you are selfless and thoughtful and a martyr, and they will fall at your feet crying and begging your forgiveness, and then they will give you the exact type and amount of love, attention and support that you need. This is never, ever going to happen. You can only change your own behaviour, no-one else's. If you want them to notice you are depressed, if you want more attention, if you want other stuff from them, you have to tell them, ask them, you have to behave in ways that make those things possible for others to see the need in you, or want to give them to you.

You say that they 'emotionally make' you feel certain pressures. I have had lifelong depression and know that this is one of the classic delusions of depression. Also, no-one can make you feel anything, you are responsible for your own reactions.

Your elder sister might be behaving like a second mother for several reasons: she might have spotted your depression and need for attention and be trying to help you in a cack-handed way. Or, she might be very frustrated at living at home at her age, and is trying to assert herself as an adult in one of the only ways that that can manifest itself. Or it could be a mixture. Or it could just be your perception.

You CAN move out. You could live on housing benefit, or a range of benefits (well, probably not under this bloody government, but that's another thread). You could do things very differently. You have a job, you love at home and rarely go out, you must have at least an adequate amount of money in your account. Yes, they might well guilt-trip you, and make your life miserable at first when you move out, or make changes, BUT... Whether you never try, or you give in if they act badly, or whether you make a success of it is 100% and forever YOUR responsibility. Yu can stay at home fuming about 'how' people should notice you, treat you, support you, and 'how' your sisters should and shouldn't behave, and listing all the reasons and excuses to put yourself off,but the long and short of it is, it's you who are choosing this life and staying in it. You who could choose it. Has staying at home fuming and coming up with excuses changed anyone? Changed the situation? Helped you in any way? No, and it won't do in the future.

I've had depression, and Mh issues, as I've said, so I recognise a lot of the thinking and patterns you describe, and believe me, most of the problems aredown to your thinking, the rest of it down to factors that you will never be able to control. So take control of your own life and mind instead.

[AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers]

Goldmandra, I posted and thought "Bugger, meant to mention the Op sounds a bit Asperger's" and then saw your post...

[JaceyBee]

Fab post AF

[Goldmandra]

Goldmandra, I posted and thought "Bugger, meant to mention the Op sounds a bit Asperger's" and then saw your post...

Glad it's not just me, Oxford.

Actually reading your post has highlighted more reasons to consider it, i.e. the OP being disappointed because her parents don't automatically know she is depressed and her feeling of being a loner who doesn't make friends easily.

OP, depression is quite common in people with AS, especially those who are undiagnosed. A greater understanding of yourself and the root of your own difficulties, if it is AS, could go a long way towards improving life for you.

[notallthere]

I do recognise certain personality traits in myself similar to aspergers, however it is possible that they are just my natural personality, or that they are influenced by the depression.

I am very intelligent, never had any academic issues in school (some social ones, they were ignored), therefore as I was always achieving academically, nobody would have seen a need to have me assessed for any sort of SN.

There would never be any point getting my being assessed, as my parents would only tell me I was attention seeking myself and trying to copy my sixte. when I was younger, if I ever misbehaved, they would always tell me I was jealous of her and to stop copying her.

However, if I did have aspergers, it would only reinforce that my sister can control her attention seeking behaviour and she is as much to blame as my parents, as I don't act the way she does.

I don't understand why my spending all my time in my room and not socialising would hide my depression, if anything these are key signs to look out for that someone may be depressed.

I think my parents do "emotionally make" us live at home. It is not a "delusion" due to depression. Otherwise, how can you explain why my older, healthy non SN sister with a full time not (not that well paid, but stable and enough for rent) still lives at home?

I don't think my elder sister is acting this way because she is "trying to help", I think it is much more likely due to frustration. Like me, almost all her friends are living independent lives without their parents, and she is the one stuck at home. So she is probably taking this out on me out of frustration, it can't be easy living with a sister with depression and a sister with SN. I do wish that as the oldest she would move out, it would make it easier for me if she had done it already.

[Elizabeththefirst]

OP, how is your job affecting all this?

NQT year is incredibly stressful and all-consuming; how are you managing it with all this stuff going on in your head?

Moreover, how is the stress of being an NQT impacting on your depression? Could this be a cause?

[notallthere]

NQT is stressful, and the stress may be a trigger of depression getting worse, but it's not the cause.

I was diagnosed with depression aged 18, but can trace symptoms back to aged at least 11. I wasn't doing my NQT then!

[AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers]

OP, the way you talk about how you can control yourself so if you theoretically have Asperger's then she should be able to as well, is ironically a very Asperger's way of looking at it. Far too black and white and simplistic and unable to really understand the nuanced difference of others.

Two points:

1. Just because two people have the same condition does not mean that they will express it the same way, or be able to control it the same way. If you took two asthmatics, and one needed a daily nebuliser, and the other just carried and inhaler that they rarely used, you wouldn't say that the nebuliser user should be able to control themselves so they could cope with just the occasional puff of Ventoline because the mild asthmatic can. Like all conditions, physical, mental, or neurological, the AS spectrum is incredibly varied and each person on it expresses and experiences that uniquely.
   
   
2. You say that your sister doesn't actually have ASD, but has aspects of it, plus aspects of several other conditions and problems. So any comparison between her issues and your theoretical ASD are pointless. She has a much more serious and broad range of issues than you do.
   
   You sound almost intoxicated with rage at the unfairness (or perceived) unfairness of having a SN sibling. The way you go on and on about how she could or should control herself is deeply upsetting and troubling to read, not just because it's horrible (and I'm sure you love her too), but because to keep telling yourself all these misconceptions must be so self-destructive, so corrosive. I would bet that a good deal of your depression comes just from your central fixations, which seem to be A) My sister has SN, but could control herself if she really wanted to, so she uses it as a way of getting all my parents' love, time and attention and B) I try to be so good, so perfect, I hide all my problems, etc., etc., and no-one sees that I'm special, worthy, good, perfect, no-one gives me the love and attention that I deserve more than her. I'm not saying this nastily, just that I've seen several of your threads, and these are the two things that you go over and over and over time and again, refusing to consider the slightest possibility of looking at them differently. I think you just want people to tell you it's all shit, you're a martyr, and make you feel the love and attention you feel you've never got snd still don't.
   
   Your family are not making you feel like this, YOU are making yourself feel like this.

[NettleTea]

But aspergers is a widly sliding scale - I have friends who have children with AS and they are as different in behaviour and abilities as 2 NT people - why would you and your sister be the same, and why should she be able to control her behaviour just because you can. She can keep it is as easily as you can scream and shout and express your emotions. Many many AS people never get a diagnosis because they do not tick all the right boxes. And if you DID have it, why even mention it to your parents? Unless you are hoping it would make them give you more attention, that it would equal up the balance? Getting a diagnosis of anything is surely, as an adult, more to do with understanding yourself, of understanding who you are and how you relate to the wider world, of learning coping strategies to help you step out as a functioning human being. Its not a label to score points against your sister. The idea is to help you, to move you away from this sibling rivalry/jealously competitive thing that you have going on with her over attention.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Coming in late to the discussion here, notall, but you mentioned a while back that you work in a boarding school but would not be eligible for a residential teaching post 'until the depression is sorted' - why is this? Surely if you are functioning as a teacher there, and willing to live in, then a diagnosis of depression is neither here nor there? It seems such a neat solution to your situation...,

[Goldmandra]

There would never be any point getting my being assessed, as my parents would only tell me I was attention seeking myself and trying to copy my sixte. when I was younger, if I ever misbehaved, they would always tell me I was jealous of her and to stop copying her.

Sorry to be so blunt about this but this is not about your parents.

This is about you, your life and your perception of yourself. You are your own person. You wouldn't have to tell your parents anything about any assessment because it is nothing to do with them unless you want it to be.

Even if you don't go for an assessment please consider reading about it. My DD1 is very, very academically able but still needs support. Her diagnosis was the greatest gift she has ever received because it enabled her to see herself and the social world in a new light. The assessment process itself answered an awful lot of questions about her for me and for herself. It felt like her whole life suddenly made sense, like the missing pieces had been put into a jigsaw and we could suddenly see the whole picture.

If you go for an assessment, do it for you. If you chose not to go, do that because it is the right decision for you, nobody else.

[notallthere]

It's not a case of scoring points. But I do know I have underachieved in life (my older sister has too, but not as much as me) whereas my younger sister has probably overachieved as nobody thought she would even get GCSEs and yet she is doing a degree.

There seems to be a link between the amount of support we are given and how we have achieved relative to our ability. Part of me wishes if my parents could fix the disparity in how they treat us, they may be able to even up the balance a little. Admittedly I will never get the high degree result I should have been capable of getting, but maybe if I had their support I could at least hold down a professional job.

I think rage is a bit of an overreaction, frustration would be a better word. I am incredibly frustrated with the unfairness of the situation. I do love my sisters, and my parents, but it is incredibly frustrating to be treated this way, and know the impact it has had on my life, and that there is nothing I feel I can do to change it. Moving out won't change it, if anything I will get even less support.

[notallthere]

walk, I am really struggling with the job due to the depression and I have been told I may not pass my NQT, in which case the school would sack me (they can't employ a teacher who failed)

So I am currently not up to standard, therefore not in a position to be applying for a promotion.

[notallthere]

Also my parents have told me I don't want to live in a boarding school so often I almost believe it.

[AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers]

Sweetheart, how do people with dead parents, parents they never see, parents who they have to support and care for, parents they are estranged from, abusive, bloody awful parents, manage to achieve stuff? How do they manage to hold down professional jobs and do well at university?

Support and attention from one's parents is a great thing. But if you didn't do as well at uni as you hoped, or you are struggling with your job, then those things are totally down to YOU. Nothing to do with them. If your family situation is making you depressed and the depression has held you back, and still holds you back, then it is still totally down to you to either get help for the depression, or accept that your life hasn't gone to plan becUse you won't get help for the depression.

Your parents are not responsible for how well you work, either st university, or professionally. No other person in the world is responsible for what you do and what you achieve and what you can cope with.

You seem to have decided that all the problems and failings in your life are down to you not getting the amount of support and attention that you would find optimal. But this is unrealistic, as well as deeply immature. No-one gets their ideal amount and type of support and love and attention from their parents. Until you realise and accept that, and realise and accept that your life will go further and further down the drain if you must stay stuck in this mental bind, this irate passivity, believing they are responsible for your feelings and achievements, and should make everything you want in life happen exactly the way you want it to, then you will be stuck there,depressed and stuck in your room fuming that they should somehow psychically intuit that you need them when you deliberately make sure that they don't perceive you as needing them, and posting on here and getting the same advice ad infinitum that you will dismiss and ignore ad infinitum.

You feel that there is nothing you can do to change it, but the reason why this is driving you crazy with frustration is that you are demanding that everyone else in the situation changes (whilst ensuring that no-one knows you want it to change!) - when the ONLY person you can make change is yourself. If you are the one who thinks this situation is problematic and you want change, you cannot demand others comply, even if you believe it is their fault. YOU make the changes. Stop sitting about fuming at the unfairness and wanting them to support you, and wanting your sister to miraculously not be herself, stop focusing on what is wrong with everyone else and how they should change, and start focusing on what needs to change within yourself and what you can do to make those changes.

That's the only way things will ever change. If your whole family were immortal, you'll be stuck like this in a million years, unless YOU change. You are waiting for them to see that it is unfair and change and to be different towards them. Make the changes that either force that or make your life so much better and different that it won't matter if it doesn't happen.

[AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers]

So what if your parents say you wouldn't like living in a boarding school? If you pass, move in. They cannot stop you. Jesus, if you pass, you have an incredibly easy way and reason to move out.

[Goldmandra]

I am incredibly frustrated with the unfairness of the situation. I do love my sisters, and my parents, but it is incredibly frustrating to be treated this way, and know the impact it has had on my life, and that there is nothing I feel I can do to change it. Moving out won't change it, if anything I will get even less support.

I am not sure that what you are currently experiencing is support. It's destroying you.

Also my parents have told me I don't want to live in a boarding school so often I almost believe it.

If you get the chance you need to try it. It could be the making of you.

[paisley256]

It seems like you've been brainwashed by your family and it's almost like you can't think for yourself because your head is so full of their influence and parenting.

I say this as someone who has spent my whole life with identity issues and feeling like im always at odds with myself.

It seems like you need to get to know yourself op, to free yourself from all this inner conflict, you are living in an internal prison and your patterns of thinking are keeping you there.

This time last year i researched bacp therapists in my area, enough was enough i couldn't live inside my head any longer - my parents influence over my thoughts, choices and behaviour has literally slipped away op. For the first time im making my own choices and i feel like at 39 im just beginning to get to know
myself - for me therapy has helped me to start living, it's like I've just woke up from a confusing, uncomfortable dream.

[dozeydoris]

I think rage is a bit of an overreaction, frustration would be a better word. I am incredibly frustrated with the unfairness of the situation ...Moving out won't change it, if anything I will get even less support

Ahaaa! I think we are getting to the nub of the problem.

Because I did this myself (and it took a long time to work it out) - everyone else is to blame, everyone else has made your life this hard, everyone else has caused you to under achieve, their attitudes and their unfair treatment of you has caused the depression etc etc.

But the underlying rage and anger is actually really directed at yourself, but rather than face this and have to come to terms with the fact that it is you who is the failure, who is making excuses for your sad life and blaming everyone else, and probably having a bit of a melt down when you admit this to yourself, you are taking the easy option of giving others the responsibility, which lets you off.

I'm not saying that your childhood was good or your parents were supportive, but the situation you are in now is solely in your hands and the frustration you feel is really frustration with yourself and the lack of confidence and determination you have to just get out of the house and get a life. You are plain scared at venturing out into the world alone. Not surprising, it's a scary place, but you must face the fact that it is you who are the problem not anyone else.