Newly separated folk how was Xmas and NY?

[RollerCola]

I'm glad it's all over to be honest. I separated from my husband in July after 23 yrs, 16 married, 2 dcs 11 and 7. He moved out in September.

In general it's been wonderful since he's gone. I'm a new person, the children seem happy, we laugh a lot, everything is much much better.

But I did have a wobble a few weeks before Xmas and have found the festivities quite hard. Not because I want anything to change, but I think I'm grieving for the family we no longer have.

It started when the Christmas cards started coming with just 3 names on them. I couldn't bring myself to send any as it was too hard to write them. Then all the facebook posts of happy families, and trying to fit in shopping etc while working full time.

I think the reality is only just hitting me and I've been quite down over Christmas. I expected it to be honest, as I'd posted before about feeling 'too' happy since he went. It's the crash I knew was coming.

I feel a bit better today knowing that it's finally all over and the New Year has started. I'm looking forward now, making lists of exciting things to do and planning the future. I've met a lovely new man who seems to understand my situation completely and is making me smile a lot.

It's been terribly sad reading the heartbreaking stories on here of those who've been in the same boat this year. I hope you've all made it through the festive season in one piece.

Wishing you all a much happier 2014 x

I split with my DP after 6 years at the beginning of Dec. We'd bought gifts - I'd even wrapped mine. Everything just seemed to happen all at once, and it was over between us!

We have no children together but have 4 between us. Christmas was awful, my DSs were with their dad so I felt lost.

New Year was ok, spent it with friends and we had a good time, had a little wobble but soon got a grip.

Our problem is that we are still living together until our house sells. That's been the most stressful thing for me. He's been staying with friends since Saturday and is due back tonight sometime. I feel physically sick at the thought of him coming home!

It was worse thinking about it than doing it, we spent christmas together with the children, it was much better than I'd hoped.

New year I was alone with the DC in bed, it was ok, I was happy enough.

I am starting to feel lonely now though. I didn't miss him at all when I left (it's been 3 months nearly) but now I'm starting to pine for a bit of company. I find it hard because he is still very upset and I'm trying to be a bit sensitive re: having people over here.

I have spent today reading and listening to the radio, but I'd like to have an actual conversation at some point today

My DP left in the middle of the night in November (4 days before my birthday too) when I was unaware we were anything but happy. Christmas was hard...I lost a stepchild ad my DS lost his "brother " and "Dad" and it was really lonely and sad. My DS and I haven't had anywhere to live since it happenned, so staying with family and feeling really disorientated. I always loved Christmas but hated it this year. New Year wasn't so bad...it's just hard when your entire life disappears in the blink of an eyes. My thoughts are with everyone going through the same. I hope the new year brings us all some comfort from our losses and the big changes in our lives xx

sarajane231 It is so hard when your life changes before your eyes. I also used to love Christmas. I went away for the first Christmas - abroad, by myself, to a non-Christian country. I had a nice time. My ex and I have a routine that works for us - definitely no split Christmas day stuff but the parent who doesn't have him rings our DC at some point. I have a nice time too with my DP. The best thing is being in my own place, listening to my own music and not being told that everything I do is wrong. You'll be ok too. X

Mixed. Found Christmas tough, but pleasant enough. Just kept thinking to myself "This is really not how I thought it would turn out"

I had to work until late evening last night and STBX, who has been on best behaviour last couple of weeks, had DS and we arranged for him to bring him home to bed and stay there until I got home. (Nothing else we could really do as not many childcare options on NYE)

Anyway, long story short, I got home, DS in bed, STBX pulls out two bottles of prosecco (my weakness) and persuades me to have a glass. Or two. I get tiddly. He makes a move. We snog. I know I shouldn't have done but it has been literally years since any real spontaneous affection.

He tried to take it further. I got a bit pissed off with him and myself and went to bed.

God I'm such a dick! Had just got to a point where we could speak civilly and then that. He's an arse and probably now thinks he's a shoe in.

Hope everyone's 2014 is prosperous and fun though

I struggled the times i was alone, so will avoid that next year, although i think as OP says, I'm grieving for the family we no longer have more than anything else. I'm glad that it is over, a 'first' out of the way. I found it saddening to read everyones hopefulness for the new year on Facebook and know that I'm probably going to be getting divorced. I still have so many plans for the year, for me and my three DD's, but all seems to be tinged with sadness, the end of what i had hoped was my forever.

But, onwards and upwards! I hope 2014 is a good one for us all, it WILL be ok (wobbly smile).

Hello all- am 5 mths in and it's been up and down. Christmas was ok (despite all contact prior to that being horrible) and I hoped that we'd turned a corner. However, the other day was horrible at drop off and then he stayed getting stuff out of the house for hours. I was worn out by the end. He was an arse last night to the point where I switched my phone of and went to bed before midnight. Today he was late and unrepentant despite DD being upset. We then proceeded to have another argument on the phone. It's wearing and I look forward to it all being over. Honestly I can't wait to get back to work on the 6th and then I'll hardly have to deal with him again. At least Christmas was ok though!

I'm a bit mixed too really. agree re all facebook posts and Christmas cards. barely sent any. deactivated Facebook last night as was just all getting me down. 7 weeks since he left. in lots of ways its no different but I do miss him. so far and its very early days we get on well re dcs.

did get upset last night and could have had a full on meltdown but held it together as wasn't sure eldest was asleep. zoned out a lot over Christmas . it was nice and lovely to see dcs so happy. but as others have said this life which is now mine is not what I thought it would be.

will be good to get back to routine of work and school for dcs next week. hoping this year brings everyone some happiness and closure.

Yes I'm craving routine again now. Christmas just seems to have passed in a blur of stress and panic, followed by a period of sadness and acceptance that things have changed.

I'm really hoping that once we're all back in the routine of work and school things will all start getting better.

Many of the posts striking a cord with me too, especially the Xmas cards (I just couldn't be bothered to write any - and I even left the ones I received sitting there for days before opening them).

shootfromthehip I could have practically written your post word for word. Sounds very similar.

Spent NYE home alone reading Lundy's book so now I am all armed with the knowledge from there! And feeling positive (but still scared for he future).

I received some advice recently that you have to experience each season before it starts to get better. Thought that was a profound one.

Onwards and upwards!

Im still grieving for the family I no longer have, even after 4 and a half years. It's been made worse by the fact that my dp of 3 and a half years split up on the 28th (gory details on AIBU). We had a lovely Christmas day and the break up came as a total surprise, so still in shock. Thought I had met the love of my life and would create another family with dp and dsd. Not to be. NYE saved by the fact that my female boss dragged me to the pub for the evening and tried to cheer me up, so grateful to her for that. x

Shit......that's all I can say

The runup to Christmas was awful, I knew I wanted to leave so all my usual excitement was gone, what was the point in putting decorations up and pretending to be excited? We separated two weeks ago so Christmas day was awkward, no-one knew how to react. He normally comes to my parents for Christmas day and thewe go to his family's for boxing day. This year he still came to my parent's for the first half to see DD open her pressies, then back to his parent's on the evening. My invitation to his family's on boxing day was withdrawn so I went to the races with my dad, missed seeing DD open pressies there though :(

I think New Year was harder, he went out with friends and I agreed to take DD to my parent's. They go out on NYE so I was by myself from 8 til just before midnight, I think that made things hit home quite a lot and was very lonely and miserable.

In short I couldn't wait for it all to be over :( also annoying because I want us to get on with sorting practical things like informing the benefits people we've separated and looking for a new house but everything grinds to a standstill!

My split wasn't recent but like you bashing I think the grieving process is ongoing, I still get sad about not having anyone to share the wonderful moments my children give me, it can be very lonely.
Last Xmas I was in a relationship this ended 6 months ago and I am still getting over that. It feels like I have lost so much and this evening it all got on top of me, I spent NYE on my own and had not a single message or text from anyone, it has been fucking horrible.

Mine was ok - i had my meltdown a few weeks back and now on anti-d's which have taken the edge off it all. We didn't do decorations here as went to family for the actual day. I was adamant I wasn't going to do christmas at all but got dd presents in the end. Again, no cards though, and only put 2 very special ones up on the mantlepiece.

It was nice to have been able to get away from here - too many memories. It's been 4 months for me and I just feel sorry for the woman he's gone off with. I know exactly what her life will be like but she is welcome to him now. He's dead to me. I am still grieving and can't imagine seeing them together - that would hurt too much.

Last night I had a few drinks which weren't on the cards but had a laugh with a mate on FB so that was ok. I've been on my own since sunday and it's been nice to have the space, to not have do anything i didn't feel like doing.

i can't imagine how it must be for you Louby44 - I couldn't deal with even looking at my ex, let alone having him in the house.

Take care all of you and come back to this thread - I will add to my watch list.

Awful. Spent nearly all of it in bed crying

Oh nitty how are you feeling this morning?

I've also been dealing with H messing about with contact dates over Xmas which hadn't helped. He knows I've had to work and said he could have the children but then changed his mind at the last minute this week so I'm stuck for childcare.

He started off all keen and reasonable about having them but it feels as though the novelty of looking after his own children is starting to wear off . I've got to have a chat with him this week about it - I'm going to tell him I've met a new guy and would like to keep seeing him but can only do so if the children can go to him at least once each week. I have a feeling it's going to be a surprise for him as he only ever thinks about himself. It'll be interesting to see how he reacts, if he's so keen to be reasonable then it'll be fine. Otherwise there may be fireworks.

Hope everyone else is bearing up this morning. It's nearly back to normal, Normal Service will resume on Monday.

Agreed FB is the worst!!! Everyone so hopeful and loved up!!!

Oh I'm so sorry Takingnoprisoners, at least I was dragged out on NYE, and it was dragged! I don't feel like doing anything at all at the mo. Everything seems such an effort. I feel different literally from one hour to the next, devastated/hopeful/strong/weak then devastated again! I keep having panic attacks (he was quite violent at the end). He still has my door key but don't think he would dare let himself in as I have a 6' 4" son (who the row started about ). Can't help thinking about the good times, and wondering if it was my fault for letting things get out of hand during the final row. Nitty, hope you have managed to get some sleep. One day at a time I suppose, that's all we can do.

Like the OP, I found Christmas far harder than I thought I would. STBXH got his lawyer to 'strongly advise' me not to leave as I had intended to stay with my only family over Christmas (still in UK, just different country) and then only came over on Christmas Day for an hour and didn't see him at all in the surrounding week when we would have been away. Just another pointless way of him exercising control.

His Christmas and New Year was advertised in gory detail all over FB with pictures of him, OW and her DD (same age as ours) opening presents all snuggled up on the sofa, and the big Christmas lunch out at a large hotel that he treated her and all her extended family too.

I sat alone with my gorgeous and resilient little DD trying not to recall that two years previous on Christmas Day I was sitting holding my fabulous mums hand as she died of cancer after a grueling six months in a hospice.

He only met OW a matter of months ago but they are both equally as emotionally immature and needy so it is requires constant huge dramatic displays of affection plastered all over FB. I've said before on this board but he suddenly started smoking at age 42 the day he met her because she smokes.

And breathe......

Bashing Please don't try to think like that. I know it's so easy. I too remember only the good times and blame myself thinking I should have been more grateful but I know deep down it's just another way of us piling even more heartache and abuse on ourselves. I seem to love to help the XH out on that score.

My XH, like yours became violent. These are not people we should want in our life and they are not people who deserve to be around us.

Now if I can just remember that myself from time to time

I split with my P of 20 years a couple of weeks before Xmas. Worst Xmas ever and New year horrible. I hated to run up to Xmas, everyone seemed so happy. I was at a party on NYE, the first on my own for 20 years. I just stood there and burst into tears at 12.00 I felt so lonely. I threw him out but does not make it any easier. Don't think there ever a good time to split but Xmas probably the worst. I have not spoken to him since.

andwhynot that is so awful having to look at them all on FB. Can you not block him or hide him from your newsfeed? I don't think I could handle looking at that!

This is the second year I could not face doing cards. Just glad it's all over for another year which is awful to say when you have children but it's the truth. Thinking of going abroad next year!!! (I wish)