Newly separated folk how was Xmas and NY?

[RollerCola]

I'm glad it's all over to be honest. I separated from my husband in July after 23 yrs, 16 married, 2 dcs 11 and 7. He moved out in September.

In general it's been wonderful since he's gone. I'm a new person, the children seem happy, we laugh a lot, everything is much much better.

But I did have a wobble a few weeks before Xmas and have found the festivities quite hard. Not because I want anything to change, but I think I'm grieving for the family we no longer have.

It started when the Christmas cards started coming with just 3 names on them. I couldn't bring myself to send any as it was too hard to write them. Then all the facebook posts of happy families, and trying to fit in shopping etc while working full time.

I think the reality is only just hitting me and I've been quite down over Christmas. I expected it to be honest, as I'd posted before about feeling 'too' happy since he went. It's the crash I knew was coming.

I feel a bit better today knowing that it's finally all over and the New Year has started. I'm looking forward now, making lists of exciting things to do and planning the future. I've met a lovely new man who seems to understand my situation completely and is making me smile a lot.

It's been terribly sad reading the heartbreaking stories on here of those who've been in the same boat this year. I hope you've all made it through the festive season in one piece.

Wishing you all a much happier 2014 x

andwhynot I have to snort at the smoking thing. What an absolute cock, it sounds like you are well shot of him. I bloody hate FB btw.
Mine has apparently grown a beard and bought himself new clothes and landrover, despite allowing me to pay almost everything whilst he lived here, because he has no money.

Facebook is awful. I've had to de-friend so many people because of my exDP. His mum was telling him what I was posting, so she had to go along with his brother and SIL.

Also de-friended 2 mutual friends of ours which I hated doing but overheard him on the phone telling his mum that the New Year card I'd sent to these 'so called' friends had been put straight in the bin! Wonder whether they were only staying friendly to spy on me via FB!

I'd deactivate my account but I like facebook and chat to a lot of friends on there.

We both blocked each other on FB a while back but have many, many mutual friends as we were married for 13 years. He culls the ones that he suspects are more my than his but as he has over 1,500 'friends' it is taking him a while and so I still get updates from people. I do plead them to check and send photos though so totally my fault.

Blossom I have had many a snort at the smoking! A few weeks after he met her we went on a pre-booked holiday to Euro Disney (now branded as a sort of make or break trip) and he trailed behind DD and I puffing away on an e-ciggie as he was already too addicted to quit! Suspect it was OW he was addicted to rather than the nicotine. The beard and Land Rover are equally as sad and predictable though!! What a tosser!

louby His mum tells him what I post too. It makes me post in a very calculating manner. I love and hate FB in equal measures.

We should all form a FB alliance!

And he sounds priceless. I think these men should join the sad and predictable club. DS is seeing his dad 1st time after I kicked his sorry ass out, rightly or wrongly I have told DS that I do not want to hear about what his dad is doing, just much easier not to know. luckily we do not do FB here, I think it has a lot to answer for

This was my first Christmas/New Year as a lone parent. Booted H out in September due to affair with co-worker, been a bloody tough few months and I hated all the run up, didn't feel remotely festive at any point BUT have dc aged 2 and 4 so had to make the effort for them, and I think they had a great time, so that was all that mattered to me. NYE I went to a friends and we ate far too much and drank champagne, so that was nice :)
I'm better now I'm back in work, I was DESPERATE to get back to my routine, but I've been very very low at times over the last few weeks. Not helped by stupid FB pictures of the two of them, with their lovely friends commenting on how 'happy' they look...I really don't think I could be out and about being 'happy' with the knowledge that my 4 yr DS was screaming for me every night, and breaking his heart daily. It would haunt me.
I'm so hoping for a better 2014! And I wish the same for us all

Andwhynot I think having 1500 FB friends says something about you in itself!

I split with my ex in november. Together 4 and a bit years.

It has been wonderful. Me and the kids have had a great, peaceful christmas and new years.

Just wish i kicked him out a lot sooner!!

I'm still 'friends' with exh for now on fb but I've told myself that as soon as he posts anything remotely offensive to me he'll be unfriended. So far he's just been putting photos of the children which is ok.

The OW used to 'like' everything he posted and once dared to like a photo of my children. I commented on it and she seems to have crawled back under her stone again. Stupid games really, I shouldn't let them bother me but fb is a bugger for that stuff.

sometimes I wish Facebook didn't exist. I love it and hate it in equal measure. that's why I've had to deactivate it for now.

Andwhynot - we do like to beat ourselves up dont we. And Christmas must be hard enough already with your mum passing at this time of year. I do feel that Christmas will never be the same after this for me. My ds2 had a text row with "x"dsd about the violence and it ruining our Christmas. I've told dsd she will always be welcome at my house despite what her dad has done. Whether he'll let her come to visit, we shall see.

Hi all, - I separated from my H in october after 31 years together (he ran off with a much younger woman he'd been having an internet affair with for months - I had no clue at all - thought I was happily married) I was dreading Christmas and NY - Christmas Eve I lay in bed and cried myself to sleep, but on the day I was OK - spent a quiet day with my grown up DD, and we had a lovely peaceful time. NY again was sad - because I was thinking about all I know I will go through next year - a divorce, him parading around with his new woman (she is Romanian and plans to come to this country in the new year).

But I'm feeling proud of myself (as everyone who has done it should) that I have got through the first Christmas, and hopefully the ones that follow won't be so hard. FB is an important thing for me to keep up with my friends, but he posts such idiot things about what he is doing with OW that it makes my stomach turns, on the other hand I don;t feel quite ready to defriend him yet.

I feel at a bit of a threshold, very much on my own and under attack from him and the vicious little madam he is fucking. (She has behaved appallingly in all this) but in some ways I am getting my head round the idea of a future without him, and there is a sense of freedom now too. I don;t need people in my life who treat me like shit, and I feel much more able now to deal with things. And I think the holiday period helped me see that I can manage without him and I can move on.

I hope everyone on here can come to feel less hurt and devastated in the coming year, and you can all move on with your lives, - much love to all

KurriKurri- I thought your post summed it all up beautifully. I'm relieved to be moving into this new year with STBXH, he was a shitty person to be married to. But more than that I was a shitty person to be around too. I'm happier already even though the ex is hard work. THis year is a clearer, shinier thing for me and I'm looking forwards and not back for once. Happiness and health to us all in 2014! (Feel a bit Dickensian saying that but you know what I mean )

Hi kurri I think I remember you, as you you had a thread running back then? Sorry if I have confused you with someone else.
I am glad you are feeling stronger and feeling a sense of freedom. I can identify with that. shoot indeed health and happiness

Hello Kurri

Funnily enough I was thinking of you just the other day and wondering what had happened. Sorry to hear you've had a rough time since we spoke but so glad you are back and posting and feeling proud.

2014 is surely our year, ladies. Onwards and upwards.

Left STBXH in July after 18 years. He had the DCs for Xmas so I was very apprehensive. But it was ok in a quiet low expectations kind of way. I had vowed last Xmas that it would be my last with him, and I think that has helped me come to terms with being alone.
Also hate the loved up FB. And no cards here either. But did a v honest letter to v good friends. And nothing to superficial people.

Finally bit the bullet in December before xmas, spurred on by his disgusting drunken state after his work do. I am trying to swipe away the negatives, and focus on the positives which are-

1. I've been to the gym more in the last month than in the last year as I've got the time and I feel great for it
2. I've slept so much better on the single camp bed in the spare room than I have in years of being in the marital bed
3. I've spent really positive, focused one to one time with my DD without being distracted by having to pander to the ex
4. I haven't drunk any alcohol (bar Xmas day and New Year's Eve) and have lost weight as a result
5. I will soon have my own bank account and decide on what I want to spend my wages on
6. I have eaten tofu stir fry and not had to cook stodgy meals I don't even like
7. I'm going to have sex this year!!!! And that's a definite now I'm single, wasn't looking too good with the ex!
8. DD actually thinks having 2 homes and sharing mum and dad is a good idea as she's been fed up with the atmosphere and conflict
9. In 2014 I'm going to have my own home and not have to pick up anyone else's crap and clean up after them

10. I'm never having to have to watch anything on sky sports EVER again.

Thank you for thinking of me - that's very kind

I had my thread removed and stopped posting for a bit because he was stalking me on MN - and got a bit nasty because a lot of internet folk were saying what a shit they thought he was. He's very very controlling and for all our marriage I had not done stuff that he didn;t want me to, and let him over ride my decisions and choices. So rather than change my name and come creeping back anonymously, I thought 'fuck him' I like posting on MN, I like my user name, and now I can do whatever I like.

I have regrets that I spent a very long time with someone who doesn't (and I suspect never did) care for me. But life is too short - the thing is to make sure I enjoy myself as much as possible from now on and do the things I enjoy.

Life throws a lot of shit at us which is pure bad luck - illness, bereavement etc - its enough to deal with those sort of things, so I decided I'm not going to waste much time on someone who callously and deliberately set out to hurt me as much as possible (I won;t give details but his behaviour was truly astounding in its awfulness)

It weird to think about a future as a single person, - I've been part of a couple for the whole of my adult life - but I hope now is the time that I can spread my wings and be the person I want to be. And I hope that its the same for all of you on here. Break ups really suck, but time does heal, I'm not saying I don;t have some very down days - but they are getting much fewer now. Onwards and upwards for all of us

loving your post freedom

RollerCola thanks for posting this, having thought I had a 'nice Xmas' you actually summed it up perfectly!

After the initial high after kicking him out (which lasted for about three months July-Sept) I have well and truly crash landed. I think I am emotionally numb!!

I am so glad Christmas is over. I am on the waiting list for counselling.

Blimey I sound like a reet nutter!!!!

2014 bring it on!!!

Shit.... but next year will be fantastic x

Crap here also, far worse than i imagined.
We have been separated since March but ive never felt as awful as i did over xmas and new year.
Ive spent a lot of time greiving, but really grieving over things that never were like happy family times, doing fun stuff with the kids together, enjoying a nice happy xmas, falling asleep in eavh others arms talking about the day.
As my counsellor keeps telling me WHAT YOU REMEMBER IS NOT REAL

Why do our minds play such dreadful tricks?

Anyway next xmas and new year i plan to take the dcs away for a sunny break, even if it has to go on the mastercard i am not spending another xmas like this one

This too shall pass for all of us xx

Hugs to you Mosschops

I think I too have been grieving for things that never were. I can't wait to start counselling!

moss I'm with you xxxxx

Next year we will be abroad for xmas, I don't care what it takes for me to save for it -

If anyone has a villa etc, I'll start paying off now lol!! xx

I think I need to start some kind of counselling..

I finally found out that my husband, who left in April last year, was with the ow. We had been left in limbo for so long not really knowing what was going on. He texted my youngest daughter on Xmas eve to tell us. It was my new little granddaughters first Xmas and he ruined it for us. I will never forgive him for that. It was so cruel and done on purpose to hurt us.
So, we were geared up for a lovely time and it was spent with all of us in tears. My eldest daughters hair has been falling out with the stress of her dad's behaviour. All he can think of is himself and his new ow and her children. My daughters have never seen their father since last May and he has never seen his new granddaughter. My girls now want nothing to do with their father - ever.