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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separating right now

59 replies

couttleberry · 31/12/2013 13:37

28 years together, 20 years married, 5 children. DH goes to works christmas do and doesn't come back until the next day. Admits to having spent a night in a motel with someone. Long talks, he doesn't know what he wants, family are his world, loves me but not in the same way anymore... Agree we both need to make more effort. 2 weeks later the effort making has all been a bit one-sided, and periods of extreme tension, I say we need to talk again. He has continued to constantly message the woman he slept with. She is 20 years younger. He says he needs her as a friend as he doesn't have any others. We agree to separation. Have told 5 broken hearted youngsters. He won't tell his family. I have no family to tell. Cannot afford for us to live apart. So life continues much as before but we are now labelled separated. Feel as though my brain is about to explode. He's off seeing his new best friend now.

OP posts:

mrsmciver · 31/12/2013 13:49

I am here. I am here for you. The same thing happened to me, 27 years married and he left last April. Just found out on xmas eve it was definitely the suspected ow. I was devastated but the last few months managed to get going and picked myself up a bit with the help of good family and friends. But this has just floored me again. I can only say that you will get very good advice on here. Make lists for the New year. Things that you have to do. A good lawyer. Lean on your friends , you will need them. Even take out some money from any savings to book a holiday. Also, have you been to a bank today? you won't be thinking straight but please go and take out any money you can before he does. What age are your children? Can you all support each other? x

winkywinkola · 31/12/2013 13:50

He won't tell his family? Why? Because he's not proud of what he has done?

I would be telling his family. Making sure they know the truth about what a mess he has made by having an affair. Don't you let him sneak away and paint some sob story to them.

I'm so sorry this happening to you. Make sure you are financially safe.

Do you have any friends who could come round and listen to you and give you a big hug?

Sounds like you are your dcs rock. They are very lucky to have you.

Your h is a prize wally.

dollius · 31/12/2013 13:52

Kick him out FGS. He can go and stay with his new "best friend" can't he. Seriously, even if he is going to come to his senses, he won't until he experiences properly what he stands to lose.

Fairylea · 31/12/2013 13:54

I am so sorry for you.

You should absolutely tell his family. If you have been together that long they are your family too and you have the right to tell them and they have the right to know what a shit he's been.

I think you really need to investigate living apart. You can't really continue to live together like this. What is the situation with the house / finances?

He will get bored of the ow and then come crawling back. Be prepared to tell him to fuck off. You deserve better.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 13:54

I'm sorry you've had such a terrible shock. If you have no family, do you have any friends you can be with for a while? I'd also strongly recommend that you start working towards an independent (apart) future and for that you'll need good professional advice in the shape of solicitors and similar. As a lone parent with five children, you may be better off than you currently imagine

Original poster

couttleberry · 31/12/2013 13:58

I think telling his family would make it real. He is showing every sign of MLC. I would forgive the original incident but I don't think that's the end of it. I know I have contributed to his state of mind as I have never been particularly interested in sex, so who can blame him? I am so confused. I also think I'm making it too easy for him, giving him the best of both worlds, but cannot see any other way. We want to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. I don't think he will be clearing the finances out as basically there's nothing for him to clear, plus I have always handled all the finances and he wouldn't know where to start.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 14:04

'MLC' is so often a big fat excuse for plain old selfish behaviour. Just because it's a forty-something doing it rather than a twenty-something.... If there was a problem with the sex-life the mature 'mid-life' way to deal with it would have been to talk about the problem and either find a solution or end the relationship.... not jump into bed with someone else and then try to rationalise it away. Keeping things normal for the kids is a noble objective and will feel right given that you are currently in a state of shock. But it's not right if it comes at the expense of your self-respect.

SandyDilbert · 31/12/2013 14:08

and parents who live under the same roof but aren't together while he has an OW is as far from normal as possible for the children isn't it.

You and the children deserve so much better than this treatment. Kick him out, let him go and see how green the grass actually is with his new best friend.

This isn't a crisis or depression - he is just a selfish, unfaithful arse. Sorry.

Fairylea · 31/12/2013 14:13

If he was genuinely sorry and wanted to work at it then he would have to stop all contact with this other woman. He isn't and he won't. Even if he is not sleeping with her anymore (he probably is) you should be his best friend and emotional support,not her. While he refuses to admit or see that then you cannot reconnect. And do you really want to? He sound like a selfish git to be honest.

I think you need to ask him to leave. Tell him you want him out. And then apply for benefits as a single parent. Look on entitledto.com to see what you might be able to claim and how much.

He will have to pay maintenance for the dc and possibly something extra for you. You need to get an appointment with a solicitor as soon as you can.

Original poster

couttleberry · 31/12/2013 14:21

I did ask him to leave and he said no as we can't afford it and I know that is right. Financially things are very precarious. My oldest is 19 and his job has just finished but he cannot claim any benefits. My almost 16 yo will finish college in june and be in a similar position. The house is too big for us even tho we are a family of 7, but is in a poor state of repair and will be virtually impossible to sell. For our work we need to run 2 cars.

OP posts:

wallypops · 31/12/2013 14:24

I would be packing his case right now while he is visiting other woman and calling a locksmith for good measure. And while I was packing I would be calling whoever is the biggest gossip monger in his family so she can tell everyone that he has run off with someone 20 years old his junior- because he is a total sad sack. If the bimbo (sorry she might be an Oxford graduate, but she sure is dumb to take on someone so much older) doesnt want him, then he can bloody go and stay with his family. I can pretty much guarantee they wont be on his side.

Get angry, and dont make it so f*ing easy for him - what a total pillock, he has it all right now. Honestly he sounds pathetic.

SandyDilbert · 31/12/2013 14:24

Your 16 year old will need to continue in some form of education though won't they?

And with income support/tax credits plus CSA you would be able to manage?

chateauferret · 31/12/2013 14:25

What a twat. Kick him out and leave him to drown in his own shite.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 14:25

He said no? Now there's a thing..... When the divorce comes through that's precisely what'll happen whether he says no or not. 'Can't afford' is an odd thing to be arguing as well. He seems to be able to afford nights in a motel all right. Plus, when you separate, he'll still have to finance the children. Really.... do get legal advice because he sounds like he's full of crap.

wallypops · 31/12/2013 14:25

Who cares if he cant afford another home - he should have thought of that before he had an ego job done. Sorry this kind of behaviour makes me utterly, utterly furious.

Fairylea · 31/12/2013 14:28

I think what he is saying is HE can't afford to live alone. You could end up being in a far better financial position than he is. You will probably be entitled to keep the house as it is the children's main residence and you will be entitled to various benefits. As your dc are older you could look for a better paying job or more hours (not sure if you work at the moment but it is definitely possible to return to work, my mum is 65 and just started working again in the last two years after being unemployed for 20 years).

I think you need to separate yourselves financially first. And he will have to leave and you will have to manage without him and I think you will I think it's just all really scary at the moment.

cece · 31/12/2013 14:29

Kick him out and see a solicitor asap.

Not really your concern where he goes.

Original poster

couttleberry · 31/12/2013 14:34

I am more aware of our financial position than he is, and also anyone else. There is barely the money in our joint incomes to meet current outgoings never mind any extra. I know he will 'have' to finance the children, but he will not be able to.
For fear of being 'soft' it is hard to say but I am not prepared to let the father of my children drown in his own shite. For me, 28 years of caring doesn't dissolve in a night. You may say it has with him, but it hasn't. He is torn apart by this as well. Yes I know he's the one that can stop it, but then what?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 14:39

He's not drowning in his own shite, he's all right jack. Same house, same car, same income.... same wife cooking dinner and washing his socks.... different woman to pop along to when he wants his junk polishing. Won't go anywhere but happy to have five kids and you horribly upset. Nice work if you can get it.

SandyDilbert · 31/12/2013 14:43

couttle - have you actually gone to the entitledto website and tapped in figures for what you earn alone, and what you would be entitled to. Have you calculated how much he would need to pay you as per csa guidelines? You may find you are way better off financially without him

you can't honestly say you are going to stay living under the same roof as him for years whilst he carries on like this? have you no self respect? what would you say if your children had an unfaithful partner - would you tell them to stay together at all costs?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 31/12/2013 14:48

He is balls deep in a younger other woman, not exactly drowning in shite

You sound like you are going to sweep this under the carpet and even lie to his own children and family for him

The only people whose respect I would want to preserve are my kids and my own and doing nothing will not achieve that

Don't be a doormat waiting at home while he plays away

Fairylea · 31/12/2013 14:59

He's hurt you in just about the worst possible way, by having an affair and not only that by refusing to end contact with her.

You really need to start to get angry and stop feeling sorry for him.

When my dh left me for his other woman (a girlfriend he had before me) he initially said he would pay half the running costs of the house. Within a month he was saying he couldn't afford to pay anything and was struggling to manage. I told him to get a credit card like everyone else. He said he had bad credit and couldn't. He ended up back living with his mum on her sofa.

I had to downsize and move to a not so nice area and had to pay off 26k worth of debt he got us into. Not a good time in my life. But I managed and so will you. You cannot go forwards living like this.

SandyDilbert · 31/12/2013 15:20

and my ex is living in a grotty room in a shared house after the OW and him didn't work out - shame huh? Not my problem, and how your husband affords his new life with his best friend most certainly is not yours. You need to work out how you are going to take care of yourself and the children - he is not your priority any more. You weren't his when he started this affair were you?

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 31/12/2013 17:29

You will be able to afford it alone. You will manage.

You need to be the stability for yiur children. Him remaining in the house while shagging another woman is a poor example for them. As painful as it is I honestly did feel much better packing all xh's stuff in to bin bags.

Original poster

couttleberry · 31/12/2013 19:16

Seemingly he just told his sister on the phone after I made him call her back after a half hour conversation when he didnt manage to tell her. Maybe reality will start to kick in.

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