Separating right now

[couttleberry]

28 years together, 20 years married, 5 children. DH goes to works christmas do and doesn't come back until the next day. Admits to having spent a night in a motel with someone. Long talks, he doesn't know what he wants, family are his world, loves me but not in the same way anymore... Agree we both need to make more effort. 2 weeks later the effort making has all been a bit one-sided, and periods of extreme tension, I say we need to talk again. He has continued to constantly message the woman he slept with. She is 20 years younger. He says he needs her as a friend as he doesn't have any others. We agree to separation. Have told 5 broken hearted youngsters. He won't tell his family. I have no family to tell. Cannot afford for us to live apart. So life continues much as before but we are now labelled separated. Feel as though my brain is about to explode. He's off seeing his new best friend now.

It's good that he's told her but what about you? Have you found out about benefits and thought about how you are going to manage going forward? You might feel more positive when you start to put some plans in place rather than letting him hold all the power, which is what he is doing at the moment and relying on you not doing anything.

Make sure you don't do anything for him.

No washing / cleaning up after him / washing up / cups of tea. Definitely no cooking for him.

He is kicked out of the bedroom to sofa / spare room.

You might not be able to afford everything but once he's gone (which isn't your problem) you will be able to claim benefits to top things up. ((Hugs))

Why can't your 19-year-old claim JSA? If they are they unemployed and looking for work then they should be able to. www.turn2us.org.uk for advice on entitlements.

Can I say sit it out? You know in your heart he is a basically good husband and father. He is having a complete period of crazines mid life crisis or whatever you call it. People are fallible. We can all make terrible mistakes. Unless you really hate HIM not his behaviour why not give your marriage another go as you have invested an awful lot in it. Can I suggest you don't do anything until you have got things straightin your head. It doesn't sound as there is a lot of money to protect et so no need to be rushing off to protect assets that don't exist. Please realise I am not saying women should put up with any old shut-t but sometimes the for better for worse bit is worth thinking about.

OP, are you really happy with that 'he said no', bit? Of course he said no, it's called having your cake and eating it. You are giving your children a life lesson here and it isn't a good one. Please don't tell us you believe he is just friends with this OW?

Granny24 wtf ?

You think OP should sit it out , until when ? He hasn't forgot to take the bins out love , he's been shagging someone else, and refuses to end contact with her. He's not having a midlife crisis , he's a c@nt .

OP get legal advice, then get everything . You will be better off without him , financially & emotionally . I'd make the b'stard look his kids in the eye and tell them what he's been doing behind your back , and that he refuses to end contact with her .( the oldest ones , not the youngest ) .

Let the look of disgust from his children haunt him until his dying breath . Then you could casually remark that next time he sees the Ow he should remember the look on their faces , and that she is not a friend to do that to his children . And as low as she is to be mucking about with a married man , he's 10 times worse . If he has no respect for himself to act this way , his problem , but you and the kids deserve better than a lowlife cheating lying scumbag .

Ask him if the ow will find him so attractive when the csa and divorce has rung every last spare penny from his miserable lying pockets ... Remember that they have similar powers to customs and excise and can take driving licences and passports to non payers . My own soab-exh was kindly informed that he is looking at a prision sentence if he defaults on payments again !

It's New Year's Day . It's also the first day of your New Life . You will have a bit of a rough ride the next few weeks , but on the other end of it is a good happy life with lots of fun , laughter , new people , new friends , better situation for you and the kids . Freedom from all this rubbish you've been putting up with . Just put yourself first for a change , someone has too .

'Can I say sit it out?'

I fear that's the route the OP is already taking. I also think she's making the excuses like MLC 'period of craziness' and so forth because she's in serious shock, can't get her head round the information and - worst of all - believes herself to be trapped with no choices open. I think advice like 'invested a lot', 'people are fallible' and 'for better for worse' is a big part of why she feels trapped. Cruel. Very cruel.

OP.... you'll find your anger at some point and I sincerely hope it's sooner rather than later.

Granny- the op can't sit it out. He's not sorry for what he's done. If he was he'd be cutting all contact with the other woman and he would literally be on his knees declaring undying love for his wife and begging for another chance. ... I see none of that.

I see a cowardly man who wants his cake and eats it and who expects his wife to keep stum so he can carry on outwardly keeping the "good man" appearance and status quo.

That isn't healthy for anyone. And why should the op have to put up with that?! No one should. Even 20 or so years of marriage isn't worth losing yourself over.

You have been terribly hurt and let down but it sounds to me that you don't hate HIM just his behaviour. Please don't do anything drastic till you have had a good think about just how much your marriage still means to you. It may be that his actions are just a terrible mistake and he will soon realise just how stupid and cruel he has been. You need to work out if you could ever forgive him and rebuild your relationship. 28 years is a very long time and most of it may have been good.People do do stupid things. We are all callable and make bad decisions and then look back and wonder just what was going on in our heads. If you feel you could work through this do give it a go. Possibly New Year New start. What have you got to lose? I am not suggesting that you should put up with any old shit but sexual attraction is so powerful - especially when you say that you are not that keen - that it can turn most middle aged heads.

Granny - how the op feels is irrelevant - he has done something drastic and clearly the marriage means nothing to him. Terrible mistake my arse - he can't take back what he has done. Talk about minimising his behaviour. He made the decision to shag someone else - end of. Wasn't thinking of his wife and kids while he was undressing another woman in a hotel room was he.

You will be feeling sorry for him next - poor soul huh?

"I did ask him to leave and he said no as we can't afford it"

There is no "we" any more. There is "you" and there is "him." I think you'll find it's "him" who can't afford to leave. Well tough titty.

Who doesn't know the following simple equation? :-

Fuck someone else + Refuse to try to mend marriage = Divorce and loss of home, wife, family and large chunk of income

He is now in the = bit, it is entirely of his own making and he needs to find a way to cope. Not your problem any more.

What Sandy said. He is not at the stage of wanting to take it back. He may never be at that stage. After all he can go play games with his 'friend' and then come home to a warm, minimally disrupted house full of children and carry on as before with no thought for his wife. Wife get's NOTHING out of this but a broken heart but he doesn't give a tinkers cuss, clearly. OP you need to get angry as it is a much more useful emotion to you and your children in the long term. Don't listen to his telling you can't afford to separate. You personally and emotionally can't afford not to. After a year of having your nose rubbed in it, you will be a broken down spectre of a mother and your DCs will not thank you for that! Sorry you are going through this. My DH would be wearing a piece of English oak in the back of his head parts in these circumstances.

Berry: is there any equity in the house?

The house sounds like another mill stone around your neck.

You must be in shock now and you need time to work through options.

Although you think the house won't sell - it may do.
It is worth looking into that option.

You are putting your care for him before yourself.
You are important too and he is not putting you first.

As everyone is saying, get legal advice.
The first 30 minutes is free - go and see several solicitors.

Best wishes to you.

You can live seperately in the same house. No washing or cooking or shopping for him. This means you can claim CTC as a single parent and get child maintenance from him. Split all house hold bills and mortgage down the middle etc.

Can you rent one of the bedrooms out to gain some extra income?

Extend the term of your mortgage to reduce the monthly payments?

Tell his family what is going on, you need their support.

Everyone except Granny is right.

Loss is the only thing that could possibly motivate this cheating selfish entitled wanker. It is the only thing that will burst his fantasy lust fuelled bubble and expose it for what it is - a sordid sleazy affair with someone young enough to be his daughter.

I hope you've kicked him out into another bedroom? Stop doing any washing for him. Stop doing any cooking for him. He wants a new life with another woman? Then he will have to start being responsible for himself.

Why should you be the grunt and do these things for him? He's got a fab lifestyle at the moment and has so little respect for you that he's off enjoying himself but refuses to leave because you have provided a nice environment for him. Stop.

My exH used that excuse. It was a crock of shit. I'm better off now than I was with him. Financially and emotionally.

Actually can someone verify , if op goes and visits every local solicitor then he shouldn't be able to use them in divorce/separation ?

OP , find a nice pair of his underwear . Borrow a baby . Change the baby's nappy using underwear as wipes , post underwear to Ow with note ..." Just returning his property .This is what you've let yourself in for , thanks for reducing my laundry pile ....ps buy rubber gloves and air fresher . "

He can afford it. He can go halves with the lady in question.

I too hope Op will find her anger soon. I personally couldn't fail to find mine if I were heart broken and he was balls deep in another woman :(

Trouble is he been such a " legend in his own mind " for so long , he would probably act all indignant and horrified when OP actually finds her inner rage and says enough is enough and pulls him on the shite he's been doing .