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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just want life to end

63 replies

divorcedtobe · 31/12/2013 04:32

I am so heartbroken and feel so stupid for being so destroyed. Don't want to be strong for anyone just want to sleep and never wake up can't stop crying. So disappointed in him. Kids in bed with me house feels like a lie life was a lie. Feel so naive that I was with someone who could be so cruel and selfish and I'm stuck raising kids while he has his own new life can't stop crying

OP posts:

bragmatic · 31/12/2013 04:42

I'm here. x

bragmatic · 31/12/2013 04:44

You can get over this. When did you split? Do you have family you can talk to?

whydidthishappen · 31/12/2013 04:48

Oh dear. Im really, really sorry you are going through this. Some men are very selfish. Dont care who they hurt.

If you feel you might hurt yourself, please call the emergency services. They will come and help you. I am in a different time zone so will stay up and offer hand holding until they (or a trusted friend) arrives. I am all ears. So please keep talking.
Your kids love you and need you. You will get through this. You wont know how you will, but you will. It will get easier.

Eastpoint · 31/12/2013 04:50

I'm here too. Can you make yourself a hot drink?

AllOverIt · 31/12/2013 04:52

I'm here too. Holding your hand.

whostolethesocks · 31/12/2013 04:59

I'm here too. I've been where you are now. It felt like it would go on for ever and things would never get better but I got through it. I'm not saying things are perfect now but not nearly as bad as they were. Stay strong.

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 31/12/2013 04:59

I did all I could even when I knew he was present but a million miles away. I was angry inside and lonely but didn't realise why or was just in denial. Now he's left us because I cracked and lashed out once. And he didn't want to forgive. And I wasted my time forgiving and trying and putting up. And now nothing. He has never taken on any responsibility apart from providing money and now he only has to be a dad 4 days a month? What a con life is

OP posts:

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 31/12/2013 05:02

He gets to be fun weekend dad while I am left to raise them. While he lives this life of drink and partying and bars and women who he told me give him lots of attention

OP posts:

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 31/12/2013 05:04

What is the point why go on living what is the point of getting through I've spent 10 years getting through for what?

OP posts:

bragmatic · 31/12/2013 05:09

He didn't leave because you 'cracked once'. He's using that as an excuse to blame you for his decisions, and his behaviour. See it for what it is. A convenient, shitty, cop out.

Were you really happy with him? Really? You said he never took responsibility for anything.

You will get through this. You will.

whostolethesocks · 31/12/2013 05:19

You will get through it and come out the other side I promise even though it feels as though you won't right now. Try to focus on your children even though you may feel as though you can't do anything.

whydidthishappen · 31/12/2013 05:19

His responsibility free life will prove a hallow and lonely experience.

Of all the people who will know the effort you have put in and will continue to put in, will be the kids.

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 31/12/2013 05:28

I convinced myself I was happy some of the time and that marriage was just difficult sometimes. That's what he convinced me with when he would come home drunk or we weren't getting on. He didn't want to talk about deep stuff so I used to try talking to him about mundane stuff or his job or football or whatever I thought he'd respond to. But it is true isn't it it's all just bullshit in the end women just trying to make do after being used they're still used to look after the kids while the bloke fucks off to freedom. Why keep breathing for that? For love of my kids? What about me? He doesn't give a shit so I have to? I dream about just stopping it all

OP posts:

whydidthishappen · 31/12/2013 05:31

What ages are your DC? Do you regret your decision to start a family?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 07:47

I'm sorry you're so down and that things feel so cruel at the moment. It won't help if I say it gets better but it generally does. Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to or be with at the moment? It's extremely hard when you've tried so much to make a bad marriage work but your children will always appreciate that you were the parent who stayed and took responsibility. In the meantime, you need support for yourself... emotional, financial and (as you're feeling suicidal) psychiatric. If you don't have a friend or family member then Samaritans can help you 08457 90 90 90.... 24 hours.

Eastpoint · 31/12/2013 08:01

I really agree with cogito, your children will know that you were there for them all the time, not just as a 'Disney Dad'. By spending time with them everyday you gain so much, you have two people who will always want to spend time with you (apart from when they are teens!). Please stay with your children.

minmooch · 31/12/2013 08:09

Your children need you - they are your reason. They need you to show them what a normal, loving, dedicated parent is. They will very soon learn that their father is not that.

Your children are the reason to stay and will give you so much love and laughter back.

Your ex is a twat and one day you will realise this and you will be so pleased that he is not in your life daily. You can live and breath and laugh and love just because you can (I speak from experience).

You are in that transition period of mourning what you thought you had. You didn't have it. Once you accept this you will feel much lighter instantly.

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 31/12/2013 08:56

Cried to sleep eventually. Thanks for the support. Kids were amazing this morning initiating group hugs and getting me out of bed to do breakfast. Can't believe how good they are as they're so young. Just feel so insignificant. In laws have said not a word

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 09:01

In-laws will always side with the ex. 'Blood is thicker than water' etc. I bet your kids are thoroughly relieved and happy to have you there safe, sound and without what sounds like a miserable man in their life. You described him as a cruel and selfish man, a drinker, and yourself as lonely and angry inside. They'll have seen all that played out many times and it will have made them anxious and unhappy. Things have changed now and there will be some adjustment for everyone but it's going to be a lot better.

You're not insignificant. You are the parent that stayed.

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 31/12/2013 09:14

He didn't like BEING with the kids you know like with them. He used to take them out once in a while and do stuff but over the last year nothing. Always sensed he saw any child related care as a favour to me rather than him being a father. When he was angry he'd call me ungrateful.

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 31/12/2013 10:03

Hope you're ok.

Sounds like they've got a shit dad and a great mummy.

That's your reason to go on- they deserve one good parent and he is too selfish. It falls to you, yes it feels scary and yes sometimes unfair but they deserve it. They deserve the best. Hopefully in time you'll start getting your life on track and having some time to yourself too. Do you have friends?

I second what cog said- if you feel low again gone the Samaritans a call. It can help to talk to someone.

Footle · 31/12/2013 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abbierhodes · 31/12/2013 10:13

This too shall pass.
I know that's cheesy, but it is, without doubt, 100% true.
Your kids sound fabulous. They need their mummy and you will get through this.
It's always darkest just before dawn. Chin up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 10:21

Wouldn't be the first arsehole to like the idea of being a father more than the reality. If he can't be bothered to make an effort now that you're not together - if he prefers his bars and women to his own family - then he'll just end up a lonely old bloke. His loss, not yours or theirs.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2013 10:26

Cogito speaks a lot of sense, OP.

If he prefers the shallow short term ego boost, then fine. You will have the deep love and respect of your children. He will never have that. He's already paving the way for it.

It might not look like it now, but he has lost far more than you. Hanging around in bars chatting women up might look like fun to him now, but that won't last forever and then what will he be left with?

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