Just want life to end

[divorcedtobe]

I am so heartbroken and feel so stupid for being so destroyed. Don't want to be strong for anyone just want to sleep and never wake up can't stop crying. So disappointed in him. Kids in bed with me house feels like a lie life was a lie. Feel so naive that I was with someone who could be so cruel and selfish and I'm stuck raising kids while he has his own new life can't stop crying

It is hard to see the the up-sides of your situation at the moment but maybe try to turn things around a little in your thinking:

1. You have got rid of a complete twat. Why would you, a sensible, bright, articulate, loving person, want to be tied to a arsehole? A person who decides, as one poster put it so well, he likes the idea of fatherhood more than the reality.

1. He may "have his own new life" but that wonderful shiny new life will dull and tarnish as it slowly permeates through his thick skull that he has lost the things that are important.

1. You get to be the parent to your wonderful DC. Yes, some times will be hard and you, hopefully, will have people in your RL that can help and support you, but you get to see these amazing creatures grow, you get to help and guide them, you get to receive ALL that love.

I understand that you are hurting at the moment. We are here to support you. And as some wiser poster said up thread: it is darkest before dawn and this too shall pass. Life moves on and nothing stays the same - hold onto the fact that he is the loser (in all senses of the words).

Everyone thinks I'm so together all the time at work home friends family but I've been holding it together and pretending now I'm falling apart because it was all for nothing. Can't stop crying. Don't know which me is/ was the real me.

And I'd be truly crushed crushed if he found someone else and had a happy life because then I'd know it was me. He couldn't give up drink for me or love me and I'd feel so cheated. I keep thinking what if I has done this or that. Feel so stupid as I'd be so disappointed seeing myself now and how this man has destroyed me. I talked a good confident game but I feel like a fraud to myself. Crying crying so stupid

Try and take a breath and look at your kids today. See them loving you and initiating hugs and happy things. Remind yourself you are loved.

However I also completely get your fear and anger about the kids being your responsibility alone and the absolute disgust/rejection/anger at your stbx not being around and taking responsibility for them. Thing is though, this is a long game....you are now free to decide what and how you live your life. If you want to pursue a career, you can. If you want to set up a business, you can. It's sometimes hard to see how you might do it.....but without the constant 'husband pleasing', your brain will soon be much more free, you will find you have more headspace some time very soon and you can use this energy to build a life YOU want.

As is so often said...the best revenge is living well.

Yeah, he may be out drinking and being a teenager....so what? Would you even want to do this anyway? I promise there is nothing so satisfying as building a life you want, to be authentically happy....to be valued by yourself and your kids. He's never really going to have that. His choice.

And cry away.
You are crying for many reasons I'd guess....hurt,anger,fear,shame.

You are human and be pleased you have these emotions, but also that you would never treat other humans in this way.

Someone did a bad thing to you but you are not a bad person.

I am so sorry. So very very sorry. I have been where you are the last few days too. But we have to keep on going for our children. I have had my daughters so upset because of the state I have been in. I don't know how to get through either. And I think the same as you that it must have been me too, but then I think, no, he did behave very badly, he treated me very badly. Just as yours has done to you.
We must keep on going. My husband is enjoying a shiny new life. I am broken bereft and devastated. I honestly understand. Please can we hold hands together? Please can we keep going for our children? Please can we keep breathing for our family? We have to do this, we don't know how but we have to. x

I just wanted him to want us. And of get snappy and angry with him asking me what to do all the time and me running everything and my instinct telling me he was hiding from us. I never wanted to be the kind of woman who checked up on her husband but I knew if I could Id know The fact that he never left his phone out of his sight even if it was charging and it had a pin on it told me he wasn't interested anyway. He was always mentally checked out. Why didn't I end it? Why didn't I just stick to my guns when I asked him to stop drinking. I was told on here years ago to leave him but I just couldn't. Now I'm crying my eyes out over him.

You stayed because you did. You had your reasons.
There's nothing more to say on it.
It's over now and that's the main thing.
Again, because he didn't 'want' you says nothing about YOU.
His behaviour is his behaviour. If he's a cheating lying twat, his choice. He will continue to do that most likely.
Be pleased you know and no longer wish to be 'wanted' by someone like that.

Have you got anyone you can phone who will come over? Someone who will listen to you? Please phone a friend or a relative. Is there anywhere you can go to scream and shout? Can you have a friend over and someone to take the kiddies out for a while? So you can get the grief out for a little. x

mrsmciver yes let's hold hands.
Thanks so much everyone for your advice

keep breathing. Keep going one day at a time. Keep hugging your kids.

Strength to you.

I'm so sorry for you. If you read around you'll see how many of us have been in the exact same position and some of the women here really helped me through the early days and can help you too. I have no advice to offer, as I feel the same as you, but you're not alone. Somewhere at the end of the horror there's got to be a win somewhere. Just believe that. Good triumphs over bad, it HAS to. Wherever you end up it will be exactly where you are supposed to be. Keep posting here, every day, even every hour if it helps get you though. It's all that stopped me descending to a really bad place. As yes on the Samiritans. I called them a few times during my darkest days and sometimes someone just listening makes it feel manageable. xxx

Me to because of a horrible vile disgusting bloke who I believed but Boxing Day it all came down. I even drove to the cliffs down mumbles yesterday and thought about just jumping off. You have kids to stay here for dont put them through the pain of doing something stupid x

This will be your lowest point lovely, there is only one way for you to go now and you will see light again, I promise.

Your H treated you so badly, the drinking, the prostitutes, the sheer wickedness in the disrespectful way he treated you and your DCs.

I have felt the feeling you are going through a few times, it is utter despair and so many people on here can support you. It is important for you to have RL support as well, is there anyone you can call on?

When I thought I wouldn't see the morning, I called the Samaritans and they helped, I had them phone me every night for a week just to see how I was. If you feel like that again, please wait 24 hours, phone someone, come on here, we'll see you through.

Have you seen your GP? Do you think some medication would help in the short term just to help you get through this most painful time?

My DS gets me through. I always try and have it in my head that no matter how much I miss my H, if I wasn't here, my DS would miss me 100 times worse than that - forever - and his pain would never go away.

None of this is your fault, it is your H's weakness and refusal to deal with reality.

Crying is good, it's a way of coping and mending yourself.

Stay strong lovely, baby steps x

BTW.... you really don't have to be strong for all these other people you know? You're allowed to be human and people will understand. It's a racing certainty that more than a few of them - once you scratch beneath the surface - have experienced relationship problems. I felt similar to you when my boozing, partying, emotional bully of an ex left me for an OW... blamed myself, thought there was something wrong with me, felt I'd been living a lie, thought it would reflect badly on me that I wasn't woman enough to 'keep' hold of a husband blah, blah, blah. Happens a lot more than you realise and it really does help to open up.

How are you d? Please let us know you are ok. We are still holding hands aren't we? I am gripping onto yours very tightly across the miles. I want you and your children to be ok. Please let us know you are ok.
You will do this, you will. I promise you that you will get through. x

After XH left, the one thing that kept me going was my DD, then just turned 4yo. I had to be OK for her.

The main thought was, well if anything happened to me, then she would have to live with him full time and there was no way I could let that happen as he can't look after a tea towel, never mind a full time DD......

there are some helpful points on here from some ladies who are going through a bad time themselves and have still managed to support you. Well done to you . As cotton says, if you get really low, ring The Samaritans. They are fantastic for support and somebody to talk to.

We are all further down the same path and it does get better. It hurts so much to start with, but it eases over time. I found MN invaluable for people to talk to and to support me.

Just think they'll see me as a fraud always trying to be bubbly and funny when really sometimes I was a miserable cow at home because of the pressure to be perfect and to run the home and be mum and be this sex goddess, counsellor and friend to stbex even when he didn't appreciate it. When I think about our sex life I am left cold as I don't even think that was genuine because it looks now just like great sex nothing loving or emotional and often not that great because I'd be lying there upset that I could be anyone.

I know so many have been through it and come out the other side much happier and stronger but it makes me so mad/ sad that men can just fuck off just like that when they've done worse over years and been forgiven. My friend thinks maybe I would never have ended it had he not. Maybe she is right.

Have to go now. Kids might starve.

Good advice from skye and cotton. I phoned the Samaritans myself and they have helped me through the very very worst. I could barely breathe at one point and thought my heart would burst with grief.
To be honest with you, sometimes I still do. Only so that I can give my friends and family a bit of a rest from me.
We are all here for you, you will survive. x

Women also fuck off just like that, of course. There's no gender monopoly on selfish or deceitful behaviour. Your friends and colleagues won't see you as a fraud for trying to hold it together. Your friend is also right about how you wouldn't end it if he hadn't. But that's life.... you wanted the family unit above everything, he wanted to do his own thing. You live and learn.

God, Mrsmciver, that feeling that your heart would burst. The worst feeling. I feel for you Divorcedtobe, you sound a lot like me. Always a smile on your face, its when your alone isn't it? The smile slips away and the tears start. My kids have just left to be with my a*ole of an xdh for 2 nights. We split up 4 years ago cause he had an eye for my married next door neighbour. Have now just split from my dp after he threw hot coffee in my face last Saturday during a row. I cant get myself together at all. I so want to be strong but Ive taken so much over the last 5 or so years....separation, bereavement (my dad) and moving from the family home. All happened in the same time zone. When is the sadness going to stop? We must hold hands.

Sorry cog. I know women leave too I was just referring to the stories on the thread here are from women. Didn't mean to cause offence.

I'm not offended I assure you :) Just making the point that the world is full of selfish arses and they can be male, female, young, old, rich, poor, whatever..... and that the fault is always with them and not with the poor saps (like us) that they trample over in favour of something new and shiny the way toddlers trample over a sandcastle to get to an ice-cream.

How are you doing lovely?

Are you ok?

We're all here for you

X