I think my husband has left me.

[Ohbyethen]

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

Thank you Ohfour

SGB - I did worry that he was out to jump of a bridge but I actually don't think that was/is the case. I will be going in the morning as soon as someone can be here for the dc. Unless I hear first, which I doubt.
I kept quite a lot in my name (although cash poor have some assets) as my mum got left completely high and dry by my father. I thought I had chosen better. I obviously haven't but at least I can keep my children fed.
It had been a standing joke I'd be better off if we divorced. How bitter that tastes now.

That's good, I'm glad you've made it to bed x

Have you got a list of people you are going to contact? Sorry to ask something practical, but it's something you could do in advance with a view to getting as much love and support around you as possible x

Darling it can happen to anyone at any time. Sometimes no matter how wisely you feel you choose there can always be something to turn around and bite you on the arse.

Are you and your mum close?

Thank you Flora ideas noted. Although maybe 'WTF ARE YOU DOING YOU TWAT?' doesn't quite count as a list. I cannot believe I'm laughing at that. I wish I could be sure to hold on to now, but think I will come back to angry, sad and betrayed. Foolish.
I suppose only one of us gets to not give a shit.

Another hand to hold here. So sorry that you are going through this.

Ohfour - thank you. And I'll keep saying thank you, your presence and time means the world.
Sadly not close with my mum but she'll not see the dc go without and will be practical help. That's plenty. She's never been good at emotional support.
I will probably get a speach about how awful men are. I spent my life saying some people are but most men are decent. She'll point that out to me, even though it's still true.

Coola

*speech.

(((((Hugs)))))

Practical help is good - it will free you up to seek emotional support from other sources.

Yes, some men are shits, but then so are some women no one can generalise like that! it just doesn't make sense......

You mentioned earlier you wanted him to go back so that you can dump him.

You still can maintain your dignity. Reporting to the police is a good idea, that's what people do when others disappear.
But you can also send him and his mother a message saying he can collect his stuff from outside the front door. And send him the contact for your solicitor.

I hope you manage to rest tonight and have some good real life support.

Another hand to hold. I hope you manage to get some sleep and tomorrow brings some answers. He is being cruel not telling you what the hell is going on. If he is at his mother's then shame on her for not letting you know he is safe, although she might have assumed he has told you and she might be trying to keep out of it. What a nightmare.

Obviously ignoring your calls is not on, but considering that you have children I think this is unforgivable. His mother too.

I hope you can talk to people in real life tomorrow and get some support. Your head must be spinning trying to work out what's going on. It is very cruel to ignore you. I second the pp who suggested threatening reporting his disappearance to the police if when speaking to his mum, you sense she is holding back.

If he does appear of his own volition in the morning I hope you are able to get answers from him before letting him in.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My suggestion is to try to focus on the things you CAN do now, not to try to figure out the inner workings of your husband's mind. Until you actually speak with him, you won't know where you stand so why torture yourself with 'what ifs'. But you can take a hot bath/shower & shed a few tears. You can make sure your finances are in order (although it sounds as if you've done that). You can find all the important paperwork you may need if things go south from here. You can look up a good solicitor or research family law. Make lists, lots of lists, of questions, ideas, plans. Shoot, you can rearrange the spice cabinet alphabetically if it keeps you busy. The main thing is to try to stop those nasty little thought-hamsters from running endlessly on that mental hamster-wheel. The last thing I could ever do in times of stress was sleep, so I just found things to keep me busy until I could take some type of action. Sometimes I wore myself out, sometimes I didn't. But I often found I was more alert after a sleepless night of housecleaning than I was after a restless night of lying in bed trying and failing to sleep.

ohfour My mum is not very logical when it comes to men. Sadly she's very bitter, it only hurts her as both my father and her next husband have moved on. I don't want to be full of poison like that. But it has been a blow to everything I've built my life around, everything I saw wasn't true. A decent loving man, one of the best of a really decent bunch that I am lucky enough to know, seems not to be.

I'm still swinging between hurt anger and trying to find an explanation, any feasible explanation at all, that will be good enough to make it all be ok again. Unfortunately I am already in the realms of ridiculous fantasy. I can't think of one that ties everything together without some significant reaching.
I think that tells me that what happened today was I was the last person to find out my husband has left me.

Acrossthepond - that made me smile, mostly because our spice rack is propped against the fridge waiting for someone to put it back up...!
Looks like I'll be getting another pair of hands to help with that.

Lweji , Shoom - I will hold that in reserve, if she won't tell me I haven't got enough restraint to tread gently. If I judge it's warrented I will actually call them too but I think he's tucked up in his old bedroom now tbh. Sad thing is I would have done nearly anything to help him if he was unwell or needing a break. He made me think he was at such risk, was overwhelmed and in pain but that seems so far from the truth now.

Cerisier -

Dont mean to freak you out, but I wouldnt rule out suicide.

Go round to his mothers tomorrow and say that he is missing and you are reporting it to the police. She'll cough up the truth or will have it dragged out of her by the cops for hampering an active investigation.

Then go get a solicitor.

Really shocked at your husbands behavior. You poor lady.

Across what a beautiful way of putting it - nasty little thought hamsters. So accurate!

Bye if you feel up to it have a look at some of the threads on relationships - there is so much useful advice. Regardless of what happens, you might want to book to see a solicitor ASAP - many of them do free 30 minute sessions. If you use them wisely, you could see multiple solicitors gathering as much information as you can. Also, if you approach a solicitor first, then they cannot the represent your husband as it would be a conflict of interest.

Make sure that you get all your important documents together and keep them safe. You could even give these to a friend to look after. Passports, birth certificates, drivers licence, marriage certificates, insurance documents, bank statements, utility bills (just in case you need proof of address for setting up another account).

Contact the council, if you are the only adult in your home then I think you're entitled to a reduction in council tax.

Don't forget that the CAB (citizens advice bureau) may well be able to help. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/index/getadvice.htm

Above all you need to look after you and your dc. No one else matters. Please don't be afraid to ask for help - get as much scooper as you can from as many sources as you feel comfortable with.

You may not get an explanation I'm afraid darling, which potentially leaves the most dreadful state of limbo. But it sounds like you will have a clearer idea once you visit mil tomorrow.

What is your relationship like with his family?

I'm really sorry but I think this points to an affair, not a breakdown.

He had the presence of mind to go to work, unfriend you, change passwords, remove his ring and drive between locations. That doesn't sound like my observed experience of a breakdown.

How do you know for absolute certain he's been at his mother's in the past week? When did you last speak to her?

It's very possible he is someplace else and has forewarned his mother not to respond to your calls, promising he will tell her all later.

What's changed lately? Different job? Different workpals? Different phone behaviour? Changed habits?

You could take the computer to a shop (we have them over here) that will restore pages visited, assuming he's deleted all history? They might also be able to locate secret webmail accounts.

You poor thing. I am very sorry you're going through this. x

Your poor poor thing. I wish there was something I could do for you. What a selfish man he is being. There is nothing worse than not knowing. Than not getting answers. Phone calls ignored.

You're doing very well and you'll continue to do so. I hope you get the answers you need x

I can imagine that it's the not knowing that is torture

You do realise that this is all his doing, not yours? It's ok to be angry x

I'm here too. I'm really sorry. It sounds like torture for you. Hang in there. x

I hope this morning brings some information. Not knowing is the worst part, because you aren't sure what you are dealing with so it's hard to begin to actually deal with anything.

Once you know what the hell is going on you'll be able to make decisions and plans in whichever direction you choose.

I hope you managed at least a little sleep.

Wishing you strength.

How's it going OP? Really hope you managed to rest x

So sorry you're going through this, op. hope you managed to get some sleep.

I think he too is having an affair, sorry. He's been so distant and cold and going out a lot - all points to it