I think my husband has left me.

[Ohbyethen]

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

Hope you're okay OP

I hope you got some answers today - even if they weren't the ones you were hoping for. If he was married to me, he'd be hoping he was having a breakdown because if not I'd be murdering the stupid, selfish bastard :(

How are things today OP?

Oh dear, op. I'm sorry he's being such an immature, selfish coward.

I'm afraid to say that this looks extremely like an OW situation - having been through it, it bears all the hallmarks.

I hope you get answers sharpish but you may not for some time.

Came back to this thread ASAP this morning, hope that you are ok.

Thinking of you OP. I hope you're getting some answers.

Hope you are bearing up. It is sounding more and more like an OW situation, but I'd be tempted to ring his employer as JollySanters suggests. Or the police non-emergency number as you are worried about your husband as he seems to have disappeared. Might give him a kick up the backside.

Has he no other family you could ask just to let you know he's alright ? Then when you know that get angry....

I've been lurking hoping you are okay op. It really is a horrible way to treat you. I hope you are okay.

Thinking of youx

Thining of you too.
Hugs.

I hope you have had some news as to what's going on OP.

What a horrible start to the New Year for you.
xx

I hope you have managed to get some answers today OP. What an awful start to 2014 for you.

Thinking of you x

I second the calling the police idea, sorry this is happening OP

hom

I hope you have some answers by now

I'm sorry I didn't get back yesterday. By the time I had the time to do it I couldn't summon the wherewithal to form a scentence. My continuing gratitude to everyone, reading replies has helped me to keep my resolve instead of collapse in a heap.

Story so far:
He did turn up at home at about 6 am. It doesn't seem like there is an ow and he is dealing with a 'mindfuck' (his words) in a really selfish way.
It's clear he is struggling with being overwhelmed with stress but the way he has chosen to act is unacceptable.
He said he needed a couple of days away to get his head straight before he could talk to me and sort stuff out.
I said it was too late for that. Previously I would have done anything to help and support him, take the pressure off and try and make things better. But he is not so ill that his actions have been anything other than a choice.
I told him that he had removed my choices, he had decided what he was going to do and just expected that I would hold the fort and wait around for him to return and tell me how my life was going be affected. That he hadn't sought help, he hadn't removed the what he said the source of stress was from his life by getting signed off for a time and actually the only thing he had done was remove himself from his wife, home and children - his choice when things were hard was not to pull together as a partnership and let me help, work around it in the best best way to give him family support and keep us all together but to opt to abandon his family and leave.
I reiterate he is not so ill he is having a breakdown, he's under stress and it's hard but he is fully functioning and rational - just being an immature selfish prick about it.

I said this isn't my choice, it's my reaction to his fait accompli - and that is if he can up and leave, with no explanation etc then I had no choice left but to protect my children first. That means no opportunity for them to be put in a position where he does this again and they find out, they realise his self involvement made him entertain no thought of them, what would happen to them, where they would live if anything happened. And that's ignoring the anguish I felt when I didn't know what was going on.

What I wanted to say was come home, come home be next to me let me help and we can fix it together. But he didn't think of us at all and he wanted to get away. It feels like he's stressed and struggling not because of work but that he doesn't have the courage to end things and wanted it to be down to me.
I'm not sure he actually thought that far ahead to be honest. It's galling that he has dropped a bomb in our lives but hasn't considered the repercussions of his actions or effect of his decisions at all - it just has not occured to him because he put so little thought in.
He was gobsmacked and surprised I told him to leave and that I was effectively suspending our marriage as of now because 'but this is nothing to do with you, I just need to get my head straight' - having to explain that he made it about me and our children when he ditched his responsibilities with less thought than he put into his last pair of shoes made him slightly shame faced.

I am struggling that he has been so selfish, acted with so little respect for any of us and has apparently harboured the thoughts that he is perfectly able to suit himself and we will all wait on him. He's more important than all of us. That's not the man I married.

I couldn't quite bring myself to ask for a divorce even though I can't see a recovery for us without a sea change in his attitude but I have said I will not consider any moves to come home unless he - seeks immediate appropriate help, takes responsibility for his behaviour and offers an apology that demonstrates he has understood the effect of his actions.
As and when he presents that I will consider talking to him but it is not a list of things that will get his feet back under the table.
It feels harsh, rash and controlling, possibly disproportionate but I cann't have my children's lives at risk of such disruption just on his whim. I will not.

So yesterday and today I have gathered documents, got photocopies and all that jazz. I've researched how I am likely to stand financially and the benefits of keeping the house vs selling up (it will be less continuity for the kids but I think we will be more secure financially if we sell) how to get divorced (because I didn't actually know how to do that) what usual terms are and how long it takes. I've told family so everyone is on the same page - most have been very supportive and open to letting me make my own decision as far as sticking together or not so that was helpful - and I've got numbers and information. I feel as prepared as I can be.
I tried to be practical and able to move quickly to protect every asset for the dc if I need to - I never thought he would do anything like this so that keeps jolting me into sense when I feel bad about acting so cynically. I hope that now I'm in the strongest position I can be I can make better decisions for long term instead of just taking him back so we're not homeless or broke.
The hardest thing now will be not to crack, take him back or ask him to come home because I miss him, he is the love of my life and I think about him as the excellent husband and father he appeared to be. Him acting so badly makes it harder too because my heart's trying to tell me that he would never do that if things weren't really bad and actually he needs more love and support and needs to come home.
So far my brain is saying he's getting tough love but your children have to come first and they don't deserve this.

Considering he has now been away from home (apart from one 90 minute collection of his things and an argument) for 3 days he hasn't contacted me once to check on the children, his silence speaks volumes

Apologies for the novel it's been a crowded couple of days and my brain seems to have left home as well. Right now I feel in limbo and am waiting for him to make his move and then I can see where I stand. I'm mostly angry, spent a lot of time being angry. Then dissolving into tears but sure enough I'm angry again. Very, very tired.
to you all.

God you poor thing :(
Did he explain the Facebook thing?

Been lurking, and have to say I am full of admiration for you and the way you are coping. I know it is hell for you, but you are a strong lady, who is putting her kids first. Well done, I salute you x

You have acted unbelievably strongly - well done. Your kids are lucky to have someone like you to protect them. He's behaving abysmally.

Wow, WOW! I've lurked on this thread and can i just say you have just shown, in the way you have dealt with him, such courage and dignity; i think the line you have taken making it clear the impact of his thoughtlessness and selfish behaviour, that you feel forced to protect your DC and stand up for yourself is just exemplary, you should be SO proud of yourself, your DC's are very lucky to have you as their mother x

Sounds completely rational to me.

The ball is fully in his court, I hope you find some peace and resolution.

Another lurker who wants to say that the way you have stood up for your DCs & their right to have a father who puts them first is amazing.

Instead of waiting for his next move why don't you send him a text reminding him that in his 3 days absence from your lives, he hasn't once enquired about the DCs.

Oh my word.

I admire the hell out of you. You're actually amazing.

I really hope this works out how you want it to, but absolutely well done on being strong and doing what's right.