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Original poster

'D'P signed up to seedy websites

72 replies

OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 13:49

I think I already have a fair idea of the type of responses I will get to this post. I'm really looking for people to help me make sure I've thought of everything before I decide what to do next.

Story is this - been with DP for 2 years, recently moved in together along with my 3 young children. He has some form for being shit at communication - he clams up, gets defensive and sulks. Despite this, it has been a good, healthy and happy relationship. I have had very little to complain about.

We have had the best, most exciting sex life I have ever experienced. My marriage was the stark opposite in terms of no sex whatsoever. DP is sexually very adventurous, me far less so but we have always talked very openly about sex, about the things we'd like to do and try and the things that we fantasised about but didn't think would become a reality. One of these things was involving others -partner swapping,dogging, that kind of thing.

DP has been very open about the fact he gets turned on at the thought of us being watched having sex but has always maintained that it was a fantasy that we wouldn't act on. All well and good I thought.

Until yesterday when I stumbled upon his open email account on my laptop and realised he was registered with a partner swapping website. I was able to access his profile and it seems that he set up a 'couples' profile saying that he and I are looking for other couples and singles to have sex with. he has not included photos of us together but has posted photos and videos of him wanking (just his cock, he's not identifiable). I could see that he had sent dozens of speculative (hi there type) messages to people and several asking for photos of women's tits.

Most worringly, he has had an online chat with a man who describes himself as bisexual who he gave his number to after suggesting a couple of dates to meet. He told this man he wanted him to fuck him.

His activity on the site stopped about 3 months ago as far as I can see. However, it seems to have been at a peak in the summer, especially over a week when I was having a miscarriage. Sad

I confronted DP last night. His first reaction was that he is simply highly sexed (true) and that he was using this for wank fodder. When I mentioned the messages to the man mentioned above he changed tack and started saying he was doing it for a joke; to wind people up; to see how much detail he could get people to divulge. He refused to show me his mobile phone - he says that this guy text him a few times but he ignored every text.

What now? He says he loves me and knows he has been an utter dick, that he is sorry and that he wants 'us' to work. But, how can I ever trust him again? I genuinely believe he didn't meet this man for sex and my gut instinct is that he was using it as wank material. Does this make it ok though? I thought we had a fantastic, open, adventurous sex life.....clearly he thought otherwise.

Advice/comments/views would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 14:04

Incidentally, I have name changed for this thread, have been around for many years.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 30/12/2013 14:09

Er no, it is not ok. I seriously suggest you both get some counselling whilst you decide where you want it to go from here.
I wouldn't trust him that he hasn't been unfaithful and would get some checks done on both him and yourself.
If he has nothing more to hide then why won't he show you his phone?
He is doing nothing to help the situation is he?

TwerkingNineToFive · 30/12/2013 14:10

He refused to show you his phone.... So there is definitely more to this. Its not going to be more of the same or he would have shown you. Question is do you want to know? Can you live with him playing happy families and turn a blind eye. Or will it eat you alive?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 30/12/2013 14:12

What a nightmare. It seems like there is more to find out unfortunately and I'm not sure you will be able to work out what to do next or whether you can rebuild trust until you know everything.
It sounds like his reaction was that this is ok simply because of his high sex drive which suggests he's rather missed the point. Are you upset because it's dishonest or because it's seedy or all of the above? Primarily this is obviously behaviour you are not comfortable with and I wouldn't be either. He can't excuse something you are uncomfortable with and his idea that it is some sort of social experiment is a lie I think. Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 14:14

He'll have undoubtedly deleted any evidence on his phone by now anyway. In that case, the test of him swearing that nothing has happened is for him to allow me access to his phone messages whenever I choose, yes?
I've always thought when I've seen suggestions of that on here that that is no basis for a relationship.

twerking yes, it will eat me alive. I have previously been very insecure in the past - not so much with DP. Until now, obviously.

OP posts:
GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 30/12/2013 14:16

And if I was in your position and therefore had to make a moral judgement on my partner's behaviour, I think it's pretty gross to post videos of himself like that and horrible to read that he's looking for sex outside of your relationship- saying that you both are looking as a couple is rank. Sorry. I'm not sure I could marry this with my idea a loving partner and good father.
But it's not me so you news to find out more and then work out just what your own boundaries are in terms of the kind of person you want to be with.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 30/12/2013 14:16

I am sorry but the fact he didn't show you his phone makes me think he isn't being honest.

Besides if he was winding people up surely he would want to know them? What would the point be otherwise?

Doesn't add up to me .

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 14:19

Guybrush definitely all of the above. The odd thing is that we have previously looked at websites like this together, not with the intention of acting upon it but more because of the illicitness of it is slightly sexually exciting. We didn't explicitly talk through at the time the fact that neither of us would pursue it however, DP would certainly have known that I was open to being involved in discussing it more. In other words, we could have pursued the fantasy of it together rather than him having to hide it from me

OP posts:
Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 14:22

I suppose what I really want to know is whether I choose to end it all if he doesnt share his phone with me?
I could just about live with the thought that he was doing it as a sexual experiment, as wank fodder. I couldnt live with him if he was meeting up with people or had attempted to do so.
That's the crux of it.

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 30/12/2013 14:28

Are you seriously considering staying with this man ?

You must be fucking desperate. He's a deceitful liar, no matter what kinky things you might have already shared

I think what you have found is very likely the absolute tip of the iceberg

has he ever taken explicit photos/video of you ? I would be working on the assumption that it is in the public domain already if that is the case

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 30/12/2013 14:28

Are you worried that he seems to be pursuing a sexual relationship with a man?

TwerkingNineToFive · 30/12/2013 14:29

But because he has left you with this big doubt even if he does show you his phone now you'll never believe him. Tell him you want the absolute truth or your leaving. Decide if you believe what he tells you or not.
It could be a few sexy texts with the bloke and he's ashamed of the gay aspect.

roobywooby · 30/12/2013 14:33

Im sorry you must feel really crappy having found all this out.

I would find the fact he refused to show you his phone an issue, and that he changed tack when questioned on this man. Do you think he might be bi-sexual or bi-curious but too embarrassed to admit it to you? If he didn't cheat, but was attracted to men would that be a deal breaker for you?

MunchkinJess · 30/12/2013 14:34

what about the conversation with a man and the suggested that he wanted to be intitmate with him.

sorry if I had read this wrongly but is your partner bisexual and did you know?

from what you have written I wouldn't be able to trust my partner especially as he didnt want to show you his phone.

I understand he may have wanted to view stuff for excitement but I think its a step to far for me if he was interacting with others sexual even if it is online.

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 14:35

anyfucker, no he has never taken any photos of me or of us together as far as I can possibly know.
Actually, yes, I am desperate - desperate for this to work because I love him and my children love him and because we have had a very happy relationship up to this point.

Guybrush I very much doubt he is having a relationship with this man. He has no time to have a relationship now we live together - he is either at home or at work.

I'm not a homophobe in any way at all, in fact, I consider myself bisexual so I certainly wouldnt have an issue with him fancying men. Acting on it, of course, is another matter.

OP posts:
MunchkinJess · 30/12/2013 14:41

I am not homophobic in the slightest however I would have a very big issue if my partner was telling another man he wanted to have sex with him and didnt even tell.me he was bisexual from.the start of our relationship.

regardless if it's a man or a woman if he is being unfaithful with its the not telling me his sexual preferences from the start that would indidcate there is no 100% honesty from his side.

the fact he discussed having sex with another person and not telling you tells me that it wouldn't be much. of a push for him to go through the with it and having a high sex drive is no excuse.

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 14:49

yes Jess, I know thats no excuse. I dont think he is gay. I think he gets sexual excitement from illicit and extreme behaviour and part of that might well be fantasising about having sex with a man; even going to the lengths of arranging to do so.
I suppose what I'm saying is that it is not beyond the realms of possibility for me to imagine that he did go that far, just for a thrill. But, I will never know whether it did go further, will I?

He is naturally a secretive person anyway, he compartmentalises his life to the extent that I cant even begin to think what else he might be hiding from me if he had chosen to do so.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/12/2013 14:52

And do you want to live in that situation?

meeeemo · 30/12/2013 14:52

pm'd you

ScrambledSmegs · 30/12/2013 14:52

Do you think you'll ever be able to trust this man again? I don't think it's likely, given the level of deceit and lack of respect for you, is it? I'm sorry but I think you have to be honest with yourself here.

ScrambledSmegs · 30/12/2013 14:53

He is naturally a secretive person anyway, he compartmentalises his life to the extent that I cant even begin to think what else he might be hiding from me if he had chosen to do so.

This really isn't a good basis for a relationship.

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 14:59

No scrambled it's a fundamentally shitty basis for a relationship but, up until now, it worked for us as I had no reason to suspect there was any reason to doubt him.
I always thought he was entitled to his need for privacy just as I am entitled to the things I hold sacred to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 14:59

PM'd you back meeeemo

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FolkGirl · 30/12/2013 15:04

I kicked my husband out after finding much, much less than this.

Over the next week, I couldn't have imagined what I started to uncover.

I'd end it if I were you. And I can say that with confidence, because I did.

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 15:07

Folk can I ask how you uncovered the rest of it? Would you PM me?

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