'D'P signed up to seedy websites

[OhFuckWhatNow]

I think I already have a fair idea of the type of responses I will get to this post. I'm really looking for people to help me make sure I've thought of everything before I decide what to do next.

Story is this - been with DP for 2 years, recently moved in together along with my 3 young children. He has some form for being shit at communication - he clams up, gets defensive and sulks. Despite this, it has been a good, healthy and happy relationship. I have had very little to complain about.

We have had the best, most exciting sex life I have ever experienced. My marriage was the stark opposite in terms of no sex whatsoever. DP is sexually very adventurous, me far less so but we have always talked very openly about sex, about the things we'd like to do and try and the things that we fantasised about but didn't think would become a reality. One of these things was involving others -partner swapping,dogging, that kind of thing.

DP has been very open about the fact he gets turned on at the thought of us being watched having sex but has always maintained that it was a fantasy that we wouldn't act on. All well and good I thought.

Until yesterday when I stumbled upon his open email account on my laptop and realised he was registered with a partner swapping website. I was able to access his profile and it seems that he set up a 'couples' profile saying that he and I are looking for other couples and singles to have sex with. he has not included photos of us together but has posted photos and videos of him wanking (just his cock, he's not identifiable). I could see that he had sent dozens of speculative (hi there type) messages to people and several asking for photos of women's tits.

Most worringly, he has had an online chat with a man who describes himself as bisexual who he gave his number to after suggesting a couple of dates to meet. He told this man he wanted him to fuck him.

His activity on the site stopped about 3 months ago as far as I can see. However, it seems to have been at a peak in the summer, especially over a week when I was having a miscarriage.

I confronted DP last night. His first reaction was that he is simply highly sexed (true) and that he was using this for wank fodder. When I mentioned the messages to the man mentioned above he changed tack and started saying he was doing it for a joke; to wind people up; to see how much detail he could get people to divulge. He refused to show me his mobile phone - he says that this guy text him a few times but he ignored every text.

What now? He says he loves me and knows he has been an utter dick, that he is sorry and that he wants 'us' to work. But, how can I ever trust him again? I genuinely believe he didn't meet this man for sex and my gut instinct is that he was using it as wank material. Does this make it ok though? I thought we had a fantastic, open, adventurous sex life.....clearly he thought otherwise.

Advice/comments/views would be much appreciated.

To refuse to give you his phone means he is hiding something. Any man who wants to save his relationship would've volunteered the information to protest his innocence!

Don't buy this shit, OP!

This is serious dumping stuff OP, really it is.

I hope you get you and your children out of this situation like yesterday. Two years with someone is nothing.

What you've posted bears no resemblance to what I'd describe as a great relationship. You've said he is a poor communicator, is secretive, compartmentalises, clams up, gets defensive and sulks. The only positive thing you've said about him is that he's good in bed, which I have to say is quite unusual for a porn hound, which no doubt he is and is what probably sparked off this behaviour.

Now you know he lies too and only admits to what you can prove.

You also know that when cornered, he counter-attacks.

Whether he's been shagging randoms or other men seems to be irrelevant in some ways. All of the above is bad enough in its own right.

Why did you settle for that?

I know how it comes across Leavenheath but I promise you that, up until this week, it HAS been a great relationship. Yes, he has his faults but so do I, so do we all. That's why I am struggling to get perspective- he relationship has been fantastic. Absolutely wonderful - I can't reconcile this with a man who advertises for sex.

I knew he had a high sex drive with a taste for the extreme but I liked that, I revelled in it. It's part of what made 'us' special. A very big part of what I loved about our relationship. For the first time in my life I felt sexy and that was amazing. He has totally and utterly shit all over that though.

Your poor children.

That's a useful post Goodadvice, why not kick me when I'm down. Believe it or not, my children are at the forefront of everything I do and please believe me when I say I would not knowingly have invited a secretive sexual deviant into our lives.

Luckily my babies are with their dad for a few days at the moment, due back on Thursday by which time I aim to have a plan in place.

But, like I said, thanks for making sure I felt that guilt.

Indeed, your poor children.

Thank fuck you do have plan then.

No, I don't yet have a plan, MyMIL. I suspect though that my plan will involve me leaving and finding a new house for me and my babies. Its really the only thing I can do, isnt it?

Do you think it's possible that after only 2 years, you've still got your sex googles on and aren't seeing him or this relationship very clearly? Especially if the previous relationship was a sexual wasteland? You see, these aren't just small faults- even the poor communication, defensiveness and sulkiness are likely to be relationship-enders once the lust has died down a bit, never mind this latest stuff.

Er, that would be goggles, not googles

I think that's true to a certain extent Leavenheath. In a lot of ways, DP is everything my exH wasn't and I may have been guilty of embracing that too enthusiastically. Like I say though, its so difficult to have any perspective at the moment. His behaviour, other than what I've discovered in the last couple of days isn't that bad. In my experience, very many men are shit at communicating their feelings, it doesn't make them bad people or incapable of having relationships.

I'm not saying the relationship has been 100% plain sailing until this point but given the hurdles we've had to face including integrating families, miscarriage, illness, redundancies, bitter ex's (on my part not his) in our time together, I've been proud of the way we've struggled through it.

Or, at least I was.....

Noct- we're living in a rented place under a joint tenancy which has another 10 months to run. Neither of us can afford it on our own. Shit.

He made you feel sexy and that was a big part if you and him. I get that.

The fact of what he's done- pictures of his cock on the net, telling another man he wants to fuck him when this was news to you and then texting the said man...are you ever going to be able to be intimate in the same way with your dp?

In my experience, men really aren't 'shit at communicating'. I do wonder whether that's part of the problem. Because also in my experience, if women have been with a Grade A tosser, their standards are so low that when a Grade B comes along, he seems a positive Adonis by comparison. Whereas if you'd been in a relationship with a great communicator who was kind, open, imaginative, expressive about his feelings and great in bed, this bloke would seem awful. He sounds awful to me, even without the latest stuff. But that would be the death knell for me even if I'd tried to persuade myself the other faults didn't matter.

I hope it is for you.

Agree with poorfoxyloxy that trust is a big issue if you venture off the traditional path with sex. Many people (men and women) don't feel like their desires are 'normal' which is why they keep them secret from new partners.
But I know it's hard, especially when you feel as though you've faced hurdles together. I supported my DH in getting back contact with his daughter through a messy court case, and then when I found out about everything it felt like a slap in the face. And yes, he tried the whole reverse guilt thing -'well you shouldn't have been checking my private email/ messages etc' - which collapsed like a lead balloon. It's so hard because you just want to be able to look into the future and know whether you can get through this or whether you should even waste your time trying?
I think drastic action of some description is needed if nothing else to shock him into realising what an idiot he's been and what he stands to lose. Could you take the kids to stay with a friend for a bit? Perhaps say the friend needs some help/ support to provide cover for why you're there? It may give you some thinking space and him an opportunity to fight (for you) or flight

This kind of lifestyle (as described by foxy) only works if there is total truth and honesty

You and he seem to have totally bypassed that bit entirely, OP, and he has certainly gone straight to old fashioned sleaze

There is nothing sexy and exciting about being lied to.

Even if you forgive him, would you be able to feel sexy again and have this amazing relationship with him in and out the bedroom? Will you be ever able to trust him again?

From my personal experience if you forgive him this time he will do it again and again. Each time going further and further.

I wish I had left the very first time rather than waste another 7 years with my ex.