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Original poster

'D'P signed up to seedy websites

72 replies

OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 13:49

I think I already have a fair idea of the type of responses I will get to this post. I'm really looking for people to help me make sure I've thought of everything before I decide what to do next.

Story is this - been with DP for 2 years, recently moved in together along with my 3 young children. He has some form for being shit at communication - he clams up, gets defensive and sulks. Despite this, it has been a good, healthy and happy relationship. I have had very little to complain about.

We have had the best, most exciting sex life I have ever experienced. My marriage was the stark opposite in terms of no sex whatsoever. DP is sexually very adventurous, me far less so but we have always talked very openly about sex, about the things we'd like to do and try and the things that we fantasised about but didn't think would become a reality. One of these things was involving others -partner swapping,dogging, that kind of thing.

DP has been very open about the fact he gets turned on at the thought of us being watched having sex but has always maintained that it was a fantasy that we wouldn't act on. All well and good I thought.

Until yesterday when I stumbled upon his open email account on my laptop and realised he was registered with a partner swapping website. I was able to access his profile and it seems that he set up a 'couples' profile saying that he and I are looking for other couples and singles to have sex with. he has not included photos of us together but has posted photos and videos of him wanking (just his cock, he's not identifiable). I could see that he had sent dozens of speculative (hi there type) messages to people and several asking for photos of women's tits.

Most worringly, he has had an online chat with a man who describes himself as bisexual who he gave his number to after suggesting a couple of dates to meet. He told this man he wanted him to fuck him.

His activity on the site stopped about 3 months ago as far as I can see. However, it seems to have been at a peak in the summer, especially over a week when I was having a miscarriage. Sad

I confronted DP last night. His first reaction was that he is simply highly sexed (true) and that he was using this for wank fodder. When I mentioned the messages to the man mentioned above he changed tack and started saying he was doing it for a joke; to wind people up; to see how much detail he could get people to divulge. He refused to show me his mobile phone - he says that this guy text him a few times but he ignored every text.

What now? He says he loves me and knows he has been an utter dick, that he is sorry and that he wants 'us' to work. But, how can I ever trust him again? I genuinely believe he didn't meet this man for sex and my gut instinct is that he was using it as wank material. Does this make it ok though? I thought we had a fantastic, open, adventurous sex life.....clearly he thought otherwise.

Advice/comments/views would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 30/12/2013 15:14

He was on it a lot whilst you were having a miscarriage. That's pretty horrible.

I can see the attraction to all this. I don't understand why, if he had reason to believe you'd be open to it, he didn't talk to you about this. You say you've always been open, etc. Perhaps he had no intention of you actually being involved in the meet ups? I believe the thrill bit. I don't believe the stuff about doing it for a joke. Why? He's into it (which you already knee) so why would he do that? Where's the laugh? The fact that he lied (that's an obvious lie) and won't show you his phone says "get out". He's obviously got more to hide. He's hidden it now, though. Too late.

Still disgusted at the miscarriage bit! Argh.

MunchkinJess · 30/12/2013 15:23

if he gets excited at illicit and extreme behaviour. it is possible he has cheated or did the online stuff because of the thrill of getting caught and the forbidden.

at the end of the day only you know your partner and your relationship and you have to decide if this is something you can live with and move on from.

I know for me It would be a no go as much as it would hurt to break up it would hurt far less than further betrayal.

Emilycreaven999 · 30/12/2013 15:29

Is he the father of your children?

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/12/2013 15:32

Sorry but he is a proven liar. He keeps secrets. He went behind your back and signed up to these sites. And when caught out, he refused to show you his phone.

Get tested for STIs and pack his bags.

You deserve far better than this.

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 15:56

Emily No, he is not the father of my children

OP posts:
Thetallesttower · 30/12/2013 16:02

I'm sorry but any one of these things such as posting videos of himself, contacting men with meet-up dates, signing on to a couple swapping website would be a deal-breaker for me. Of course it's not all for wank fodder, there are plenty of things to wank over the internet and contacting people and arranging liaisons are not necessary unless you want to meet someone. If he's so highly sexed that he's prepared to do all of this secretly be prepared for more revelations.

Thetallesttower · 30/12/2013 16:07

And- why would he give his mobile number out to a gay guy who he wanted to have sex with if he didn't want to, you know, have sex with him? Not remotely plausible to have done this for wank fodder, he has brought this into your daily lives.

Ugh, he sounds really sordid, be glad you found out now and can make a decision on what to do.

jen2014 · 30/12/2013 16:30

Will break the mould a little and suggest further discussion before packing bags. 'Happy, healthy relationships' are hard to come by, and it's hard to cut ties especially when kids are involved.
My DH and I mutually signed up to similar sites as a couple about 2 years into our (now 9 year) relationship. We met some people, did some stuff, then life kind of took over and it wasn't something we kept up with regularly. I discovered about 2 years later that he'd signed up to 3 or 4 sites as a single. He also dismissed it as wank fodder in the wake of our sex life slowing down a bit. He is also highly sexed and a little extreme but I was furious as I'd never discouraged that kind of exploration - I'd even actively participated in it. Cue threats of leaving, many tears and 5 years later I'm still here with one toddler, another on the way and very, very happy. He's a great husband, lover, friend and dad.
Part of me suspects deep down that he still tinkers on those sites, he's a bit insecure and likes the idea of being wanted. But deep down I'm also 95% sure that he's never acted on it and slept with someone else. Naive? Maybe. But I'm sure there are lots of relationships out there with blissfully ignorant partners - there's a lot to be said for being slightly suspicious and cautious because you've been burnt.
All that said its a horrible situation, and takes many months/ years to get over the betrayal, so I'm really sorry you're in this position. Only you know if the relationship is worth fixing and if he really wants to fix it too. People make mistakes and usually deserve a second chance.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 30/12/2013 16:35

95% sure that he never slept with anyone else wouldn't be enough for me I'm afraid.
But what you need to work out OP is what you believe the truth to be and what kind of certainty about these things you require to be trustworthy.
Please set the highest standards you can.

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 16:48

jen2014 that is a lovely story to hear and strikes a real chord with me. I really want to stress that the whole swingers scene is something we have talked about a lot and we've never said never to it but it is something which we agreed was not for now although I know that DP does find the thought of it to be the ultimate in sexual fantasy,

I can echo what you say about being 95% certain that he hasn't been unfaithful, I know my DP and I am equally about 95% sure that he has done this for the thrill. I know what Guybrush is saying and I do understand that it makes me sound like I am setting my standards too low. However, none of us can be 100% sure that our partners have been faithful. That level of blind trust is unhealthy IMHO.

We've just talked again and he has allowed me access to his phone. There is nothing there, as I suspected, I imagine he deleted everything but I do at least know his PIN code and he knows that I can access it at any time.

The shitty thing is that I do love him. I want this to work, even now, knowing what I know, I want this to work.

I have, sadly, no reliable barometer for knowing when to throw in the towel.

OP posts:
Thetallesttower · 30/12/2013 17:00

The one difference in the two stories is though, that your children are not his children. He's just moved in and therefore is in.out their lives. You better be pretty sure he's not about to just mess up their lives as well as yours.

I think you are being staggeringly naive about a highly sexed guy giving his mobile to men he wants to sleep with and being sure he hasn't slept with them. You'll never know now he's deleted all those texts though.

I think having his pin number is worthless, he can get a second mobile or change the pin.

This would all be towel-throwing material to me, but we aren't all the same. The most worrying things for me would be that he did this the most when you were miscarrying (so this is how he responds to stress) and that he's giving guys his mobile no which is way beyond posting an anonymous video of him up to stuff.

I think you are clinging to the happy family fantasy but I'm sorry to say it has just clashed with the real life situation that he's contacting people for sexual thrills even if he's not going through with it.

Cabrinha · 30/12/2013 17:13

Oh love, find some self respect and get rid.
Whatever his desires, he didn't have to hide them, did he? So why did he? Because he's up to more than you would accept.

At least be sure to be using good contraception - don't get pregnant again by this wanker.

Honestly though, what if he's told the EXACT truth? So he was leading the bi-guy on for kicks? Well frankly - what an arsehole!! That's just nasty. I wouldn't want to be with a man that did this.

I don't believe for a second that it was just wank fodder though. He has cheated on you, out your health at risk.

And yeah, personal experience. "I was only looking at escort sites". I tried so hard to believe him. It was of course a pack of lies all along. At least I didn't catch anything off the lying shit. My friend found out when she got chlamydia from her husband who seemed to have your husband's interests.

Noctilucent · 30/12/2013 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 30/12/2013 17:16

Bringing a man like this into your family is a mistake. If you are that desperate for a man, I feel very sorry for you.

Only1scoop · 30/12/2013 17:26

Op this surely isn't 'wank fodder' as in looking at a bit of porn on the Internet. He is displaying his cock on the net and relationship forming (be it loosely) with a gay man. You also often find that once rumbled, they just push it further under stones....

Hedgehogparty · 30/12/2013 17:30

You've had a warn

Hedgehogparty · 30/12/2013 17:34

Sorry to say it but you've had a warning. I seriously think this behaviour is just the tip of the iceberg

And you are letting him into your family life?

Even knowing now what's he's up to?

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 17:42

hedgehog its not a question of letting him in to my family life - we all live together now. He is stepfather to my children. We're already a family.

I fucking hate him right now.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 30/12/2013 17:46

Liars and deceivers tend to engender that kind of response.

Original poster
OhFuckWhatNow · 30/12/2013 17:55

Actually, now he has starting to get defensive- he has said that I look at porn on the internet without him so I am hardly in a position to criticise. Twat.

Fuck. I want to actually kill him.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 30/12/2013 17:59

I know we all have different ways of dealing with our issues but noticing a 'peak of usage' on some seedy site whist you were miscarrying can't be very reassuring. I would say that unless you are both really like minded with the swinging/dogging sites etc then you may always be wondering what he is up to.
My feeling is from my past experiences is that you may only have scratched the surface.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 30/12/2013 18:05

Yep, it's your fault. innit.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 30/12/2013 18:10

Defensiveness is a sign of guilt more often than not.

As a PP has said upthread why would he be winding this bloke up then and yet give him his phone number? That certainly doesn't add up to me.

He either:
a) is bisexual and doesn't want you to know.
b) wants you both to have sex with this man or
c) he is just a lying git and gets off on being a liar.

I would say all are pretty likely, so I'd go for all of them. I'm not trying to be mean but if you decide to be in a family setting you have to stop thinking just about your needs. Also secretiveness or at least to the amount he has is not natural in this situation.

My partner is quiet and doesn't like talking about things all the time but he as far as I know (I am 99.9999 sure) not lying to me or not telling me things. We are open with eachother.

I really feel for you, though. It's not easy.

poorfoxyloxy · 30/12/2013 18:10

hmm it's a tough one op, i would feel very betrayed by this behaviour and myself and my partner are swingers, we have a couples profile on a couple of sites, but not met that many couples due to us being very busy and very fussy (there's a hell of a lot of minging swingers out there!) whole thing about swinging is you need to have absolute trust in each other, have seen a lot of shaky relationships fall to pieces. we have very strict rules that we have decided on and open communication. our view is that it's for a bit of extra fun, if it becomes stressful, or hard work in any way, or one of us feels uncomfortable than we stop.
trust is at the heart of it xxx

Only1scoop · 30/12/2013 18:10

Well he would say that wouldn't he....try and make you feel like you are over reacting. There is a such a huge difference between looking at porn on the net.... and then there is putting vids/ pics of your bits out there for all and sundry on swinging sites and then giving your phone number out to random bi sexuals and suggesting dates to fuck them (whether he has or hasn't). Take care.

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