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Original poster

Is he lying?

64 replies

LouiseC1979 · 30/12/2013 10:08

Hi, wasn't sure where to post this as I don't really want to talk to any family or friends about it, and just wanted to get it off my chest.

Basically, about 6 weeks after I had my son, my husband (of a year) went on a stag do and stayed in a hotel overnight. The next day on his phone I found details of an escort agency and saw that he tried to call the agency 3 times, but each call lasted about 3 seconds. At first he pretended it was stag do stuff, but then I realised the calls were made about 2 hours after everyone went home. He swore nothing happened, and the next day admitted he had got £150 out of our bank account to pay for it, but woke up the next day, not really remembering anything about it, why he had done it and paid the money back into the bank (he showed me the statements so he definitely had done this).

I never thought he could cheat but it has made me so untrusting and so upset at the time considering I had just had his baby! Anyway, recently he's been to the drs about some pains he's having and he's waiting on the result of a blood test. I looked on his phone history yesterday and saw that he has looked up sti's and one search was 'will symptoms of an sti appear 6 monts later.' The whole escort thing happened nearly 6 months ago. I asked him about his internet history yesterday and he still swears nothing happened and said he has been looking up all sorts of reasons for the pains(which I know he has), but the whole 6 month thing seems really weird to me. We've been together 5 years and he said that he was just seeing if it goes undetected for ages and 6 months was just a coincidence. Hmmm. I just don't know what to believe and what to think or say and just needed to write it down and get it off my chest. Do people think he's cheated? And how can I get him to admit it? It's driving me crazy.

OP posts:
AlaskaNebraska · 30/12/2013 10:08

Sounds bad doesn't it.

notoneforselfies · 30/12/2013 10:15

umm, I'm terribly sorry but it does sound like he's cheated... Firstly I would be upset that he had considered cheating at all, going so far as to withdraw cash and call an escort agency: That would already severely damage my trust, but that google history tells me he definitely did do something 6 months ago. Obviously the trust has definitely fled the building if you're checking out his phone history so I guess you know all this anyway.

Irrespective of the timings, why would an STI even cross his mind unless he'd played away? (If the google search was for 'will symptoms of an STI appear 5 years later' then that'd be a bit different, but I highly doubt that it'd even cross his mind to google STI's full stop, if he'd been faithful)

Presumably he hasn't accused you of the possibility of bringing it into the relationship and they don't just appear from nowhere! So to google STI = massive indicator, the 6 months thing just pins down a time for you. So sorry you're going through this.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 30/12/2013 10:15

Going with the 6 month and sti checking, sorry but I'd think he's cheated and is trying to bullshit you into believing him.

If he was just curious about his problem then wouldn't he just google - symptoms of sti's without a specific time frame?

You can't force him to admit it, go and get yourself fully checked at the sti clinic.

BohemianGirl · 30/12/2013 10:15

I'd insist he has a STD check and shows you the results.

The bigger question is: do you trust him? because if you don't then you have no basis for a relationship anyway and you would be better off making the break now.

I doubt you do trust him because if you did,you wouldn't be going through his phone.

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/12/2013 10:20

There are no such things as coincidences. John Irving.

LastOneDancing · 30/12/2013 10:21

What does your gut say?
If it smells like a rat, and feels like a rat... He's probably a rat.

I'm sorry. I don't know what I'd do long-term in your shoes but I'd be fucking livid and getting myself checked at the GUM clinic (or whatever they're called now) today. I wouldn't wait for his blood test.

mrsspagbol · 30/12/2013 10:23

I am sorry OP i do think he is lying. Why google STI info if you have not been unfaithful?

As calmly as you can tell him to tell you the whole truth or you will end things as you know he is lying.

AlaskaNebraska · 30/12/2013 10:24

there are such things as coincidences

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/12/2013 10:27

Yuk, why do you want to stay with someone who thinks buying women's bodies is ok?

Sorry but it sounds like he did cheat on you after all although it might not have been via this escort agency - he probably decided to get a cheap/free shag elsewhere.

I would get tested for STDs and pack his bags.

rpitchfo · 30/12/2013 10:27

He googled sti. That's your answer.

CaptainHindsight · 30/12/2013 10:39

Yes I think he is lying but do you really expect to get the truth out of the sort of person who "attempts" buys women's bodies for sex 6 weeks after his DW gives birth to tell you the truth?

Are you or were you BF DS? Without wishing to scare you which isn't my intention there are several STIs which can be passed via breast feeding and I would want to ensure those were eliminated as a risk.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 10:49

I don't think it's good either. At the very least he thinks he may have had sex at that time and that's bad enough.

Dirtybadger · 30/12/2013 10:50

As someone else said googling sti's = cheated. He isn't checking because he believes he could have caught something 5+ years ago...
As an aside, getting so close to paying for an escort would be a deal breaker for me (in fact it's part if the reason I split up with ex 3 weeks ago). It's hard when you're in the relationship because you know how that person appears to be a "nice guy". But nice guys don't rent women.

mammadiggingdeep · 30/12/2013 11:40

Yep...looks like a rat, and it smells like a rat...

idobelieveinfairies · 30/12/2013 14:07

Sounds like he might not have gone through with the prostiture idea as he found someone else for a one night stand for free.

So sorry, it's very very suspicious. :(

TheCrumpetQueen · 30/12/2013 14:12

He fucked a prostitute. Get yourself checked ASAP

TwerkingNineToFive · 30/12/2013 14:16

Read your op again and pretend someone else wrote it... What do you think? Sorry.

cozietoesie · 30/12/2013 14:16

Much used in our family - a famous quote from a James Bond book.

'Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action.'

Sounds like enemy action to me now, OP. I'd get yourself checked out at an STI clinic. It's not the most pleasant experience but probably a lot better than you would expect. The people are very calm and helpful - and completely non-judgmental. (You can just turn up off the street - no need for appointments etc.)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 30/12/2013 14:19

For some reason, he thinks he has risked contracting an STI. Ergo, he must have had unprotected sex with someone other than you. Unless of course, his next comeback you will or won't swallow is that he thinks you may have given him one ?

Whether it is way back around that dodgy stag do piece of fiction, or more recently is rather immaterial, tbh

he has put your sexual health at risk (and possibly unborn baby's health)

pack his bags

bringoutthepringles · 30/12/2013 14:20

This is in no way trying to point the finger at you but have heard of men sometimes acting in this manner when wife pregnant/had baby because they feel left out- they don't always cheat but go through some of the steps. Very immature of them but it happens. Last thing you need when you are looking after a baby. Is there a relationship advisor you can speak to?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 30/12/2013 14:22

He's taking this "acting out" thing to the Nth degree then isn't he ?

Unless he thinks you can contract an STI virtually or he has been abducted by aliens and injected with a nasty or summat

Lweji · 30/12/2013 14:30

I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who "acted out" by sleeping with a prostitute, or whoever it was, 6 weeks after my baby was born, putting my life at risk.

cozietoesie · 30/12/2013 14:33

Quite.

lunar1 · 30/12/2013 14:40

Given that you have just had a baby he should know that you get tested for everything while pregnant. There is no way he could suspect the pains are from you giving him something. The only possible reason to check would be because he thinks he has caught something outside the home.

Pan · 30/12/2013 14:42

This is an easy one, OP, I'm afraid.

Yes he is lying to you. About what exactly is unclear, but he fancied shagging someone else and the plan he hatched may or may not have fallen down. But he shagged someone else at, what sounds like, the easiest opportunity.

How can you make him admit it? You don't have to. All the evidence is there. He won't admit it now, even with a gun to his head. That would be a short, pointless and rather miserable cul-de-sac of a conversation.

"feeling left out?". So...that's resolved by getting pissed and paying to shag a prostitute? Feeling left out is nothing to do with it.

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