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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he lying?

64 replies

LouiseC1979 · 30/12/2013 10:08

Hi, wasn't sure where to post this as I don't really want to talk to any family or friends about it, and just wanted to get it off my chest.

Basically, about 6 weeks after I had my son, my husband (of a year) went on a stag do and stayed in a hotel overnight. The next day on his phone I found details of an escort agency and saw that he tried to call the agency 3 times, but each call lasted about 3 seconds. At first he pretended it was stag do stuff, but then I realised the calls were made about 2 hours after everyone went home. He swore nothing happened, and the next day admitted he had got £150 out of our bank account to pay for it, but woke up the next day, not really remembering anything about it, why he had done it and paid the money back into the bank (he showed me the statements so he definitely had done this).

I never thought he could cheat but it has made me so untrusting and so upset at the time considering I had just had his baby! Anyway, recently he's been to the drs about some pains he's having and he's waiting on the result of a blood test. I looked on his phone history yesterday and saw that he has looked up sti's and one search was 'will symptoms of an sti appear 6 monts later.' The whole escort thing happened nearly 6 months ago. I asked him about his internet history yesterday and he still swears nothing happened and said he has been looking up all sorts of reasons for the pains(which I know he has), but the whole 6 month thing seems really weird to me. We've been together 5 years and he said that he was just seeing if it goes undetected for ages and 6 months was just a coincidence. Hmmm. I just don't know what to believe and what to think or say and just needed to write it down and get it off my chest. Do people think he's cheated? And how can I get him to admit it? It's driving me crazy.

OP posts:

DuchessFanny · 30/12/2013 14:46

Sorry. It doesn't look good does it ?!
Turn it around, if you weren't feeling right and didn't know what it was, would you assume it could be an STI ? No ? Of course not ! Not unless you'd done something to worry about.
And I agree with getting yourself tested too.

WritingBlock · 30/12/2013 14:50

All this sports massive red flags to me. He was prepared to spend £150 of your money on an escort when you have a newborn at home. Nobody would go checking about STI's unless they thought they could have caught something from somewhere and as Lunar1 says - when pregnant you get routinely checked for such.

Are you breast feeding your son? What an inconsiderate twunt he is -not only that he suspects he has an sti from obviously cheating but that he could pass on to you and possibly baby.

stickysausages · 30/12/2013 14:51

Sorry, it sounds bad & I'm sorry you're going through this :(

stickysausages · 30/12/2013 14:52

Get yourself screened, including an hiv test. Probably nothing serious, but you need to know & he's put you & potentially baby at risk :(

cozietoesie · 30/12/2013 14:58

By the way - not much better than 'knowing' about a possible STI. Whichever way.

HanselandGretel · 30/12/2013 15:42

Wouldn't an escort have insisted on using a condom though? but that doesn't rule out every type of STI either...hence the googling.

Sounds as if he is worried he picked something up six months ago, how awful for you after just having a baby.

You need the truth from him, the blood test will give an answer to that particular problem, if it's not an STI, great, but then that I'm afraid doesn't alter the fact he is most probably hiding something in the first place.

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 17:43

Not all prostitutes insist on condoms. The fee is higher without. As has been said, even if one were used, they don't protect against everything. What were you checked for in pregnancy? I certainly wasn't checked for all STIs because there was no declared risk and it was considered far too expensive to instigate blanket testing- and unethical without consent. Do check this and obviously, get yourself tested now.

I'm wondering why you decided to stay with him when even what he admitted was so appalling?

Of course he is lying now and had sex with someone but actually having sex with someone would for me be a lesser offence than paying for sex or thinking he was entitled to do that. Only misogynists pay for sex and I wouldn't want to be partnered with one of those.

chipshop · 30/12/2013 17:47

He's definitely lying and is desperately trying to talk his way out of it. Don't buy it. Makes you wonder what else has gone on too. I'm sorry OP.

Original poster

LouiseC1979 · 30/12/2013 18:50

Thanks for your replies. It sucks... spoken to him today and he said that he was thinking that I may have cheated as I totally went off sex when pregnant and when we did have sex 6 months ago, things didn't 'feel right' afterwards, and the same happened when we finally had sex after I had had our son, and he said things only felt weird when we had sex. It's a difficult one, he is so loving and caring, a brilliant Dad, and like me, is an idiot when he has drunk too much. We discussed the escort thing at great length and I chose to stay with him and move on, he said he didn't really remember it, and as I say I chose to stay and to try to forget about it. Maybe he's just a good actor, but when you know someone so well its hard to think bad of them and we went through a bad time of it when I was pregnant, we rarely had sex, and I barely wanted to touch him and couldn't explain it to him, so he did feel rejected, not an excuse though! Maybe I'm being a mug. :(

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/12/2013 19:00

Now he's blaming you?

Lweji · 30/12/2013 19:03

And I am a bit confused. You had sex 6 months ago and he went on the stag do (and looked for call girls) also 6 months ago?

Pan · 30/12/2013 19:15

yes, the 'do' was 6 months ago, around a time of having sex and the search for 6 month old STIs evidence was yesterday.

So, he will be covering his ass by claiming his suspicion that his freshly pregnant wife had been unfaithful and he sensibly needed to check for STI, rather than raise the possibility with her. The stag do and money removed from the account was purely coincidental to this.

It's up to you what you wish to believe, but you did ask.

cerealqueen · 30/12/2013 19:22

Sounds like he cheated, maybe has an STI, is now blaming you. Not a nice man.

SweetSeraphim · 30/12/2013 19:23

This.

He's full of shit OP. Sorry.

Brucietheshark · 30/12/2013 19:28

Oh come on.

Perhaps the whole stag party used the escorts earlier and he loved it so much he was calling back for seconds.

To me, two things are certain:

he shagged someone else about 6 months ago
he's shockingly bad at deleting his internet history

Pan · 30/12/2013 19:32

yes the infidelity need not have happened at the do. And yes, I delete internet history as I go, for no particular reason other than habit. He's not very good at this stuff.

Mandy21 · 30/12/2013 19:34

I rarely reply to posts like this because everyone judges a relationship (which usually involves children) on the basis of a couple of paragraphs, set out from the OP's point of view. But I didn't want to read and not reply here.

If he came home from the stag do and told you, without you having found evidence of the calls to the escort agency, or the withdrawal, and said that he had thought about it, but each time he called and got to the point of going through with it, he backed out because he realised how much he loved you, didn't want to lose you or your baby, realised the lack of sex was probably a phase and he was committed to the relationship etc..... I might (and I say only might) have given him the benefit of the doubt.

Now though, with the googling etc, I think he hasn't been honest. I think there is something - whether or not it happened that night - that has led him to think that he had an STI. To then, when challenged, say it was because he thought his pregnant wife might have cheated sounds a bit ridiculous to be honest and to an outsider (who obviously doesn't know you both) sounds like he is trying to cover his tracks (rather badly).

Did you tell him that if he does have an STI he'll have put the baby at risk? If so, and he's such a caring daddy, did that not have an impact? That would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. I think I'd have to have it out with him, pester him until I got a credible explanation. I would definitely get myself tested too.

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 20:19

Perhaps the whole stag party used the escorts earlier and he loved it so much he was calling back for seconds.

Oh, well that's alright then!

HowManyMincePies · 30/12/2013 20:27

You had a 6 weeks old baby (vaginal or c-section? sorry you don't need to say) and it felt different when you had sex? No shit sherlock even if you had a c-section things had spent 9 months down there softening up for a birth!

So he has decided to google STIs because you may have been cheating. Nothing to do with the stag night and buying women for sex he was considering!

Seriously how big is that pile of bull shit!

Talk about trying to pass the blame. How very insulting both to your intelligence and suggesting you have cheated on top of everything else.

You aren't falling for that great big steaming pile are you?

Lweji · 30/12/2013 20:29

Perhaps the whole stag party used the escorts earlier and he loved it so much he was calling back for seconds.

Leaven, that would explain why he didn't spend the money but is still worried about STIs. At least that's how I read it.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 30/12/2013 20:35

Does he genuinely think you are stupid?

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 30/12/2013 20:40

OMG you really really have to applaud his cheek. He has now blamed you and conveniently forgot the escort episode but was "aware enough" to get the £150 out and then pay it back in.. You really couldn't make this up.
Quite simply

He fucked the prostitute...

Mabelface · 30/12/2013 20:46

Hmm, just a bit of deflection coming from him there. He's a cheating, lying twat who gets his kicks from paying women for sex. What a charmer.

quietlysuggests · 30/12/2013 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 20:57

Yes he's lying.

How can you get him to admit it? Try this. Tell him that you know the truth and ask him to explain himself. Say nothing else. Look him in the eye and wait.

Let him talk. When he stops talking, say nothing. Keep looking him in the eye. Give him a bit of time. When he stops talking, say 'Is that it?'

Whatever he says, if it's not the complete admission that you're looking for, tell him that you know he is not being honest with you. Tell him you want him to move out until he is ready to be truthful with you.

And mean it. He will soon break down and confess all.

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