Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's annoyances - is this just reality and what all men are like?

89 replies

elsaisnotatiger · 30/12/2013 09:44

My DP is very sweet, kind, attentive and helpful. He loves our little son and is a great father.

However when it comes to real life he is a basket case. Leaves clothes lying all around the house, wet towels on the sofa, plates everywhere. If he starts a DIY job he will leave bits and tools all over the place. He has no common sense whatsoever (eg leaving the baby in a bumbo on the roof of the car once, and said the baby could not fall out of the bumbo. Could not understand why I went mental). He forgets to buy food, lock the house etc. We have a bath mat that says "hot" when the water is too hot for the baby and yet he put him in regardless. He just doesn't NOTICE things. He will let the baby play with a bottle of paracetamol, saying it has a childproof cap and therefore is perfectly safe....
When we go away I have to double check that he has remembered all the basics, because if I don't, some vital item will have been forgotten.
I get really frustrated with all of the above and end up snapping at him and feeling like I have two children, not just one.

Am I being overly fussy? Are all men like this? Or will these annoyances end up being a deal breaker in time (we have been together two years)?

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 30/12/2013 09:47

This isn't a gender thing - people are just good at different things. Things that are second nature to you (the bath, the bimbo) are less familiar to him.

You can't change him. You could possibly make him follow a checklist on leaving the house though Wink

Offred · 30/12/2013 09:48

No, you're not being fussy and I don't understand how he is a good father?

Leaving a baby on the roof of a car? Wtf? Watf? Bumbo or no bumbo... All the things you list are terrible parenting and I'm not surprised you feel stressed if he won't even take responsibility for it.

He needs to give you some respect and also go on a parenting course.

Offred · 30/12/2013 09:50

If the baby had fallen it would likely have died and he would have been prosecuted for criminal neglect leading to it's death - he does know that? Who puts a baby on the roof of a car? Crazy...

AngelinaK · 30/12/2013 09:53

I think u r not over reacting.... and I dont think he's a great father....

HerdyHerdwick · 30/12/2013 09:53

I'm seeing a few threads here lately 'are all men like/do this?'.
Short answer NO all men are not the same just like all women aren't the same.

To this particular post, I'm incredibly untidy and rather scatter brained, but even I wouldn't let a baby play with a bottle of paracetamol OR put thbe baby in the bath if the water is too hot. or put the baby on the car roof.
Those behaviours are just irresponsible, and bad parenting completely separate issue to his inability to be tidy.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 30/12/2013 09:54

No, all men are not like this.

Original poster
elsaisnotatiger · 30/12/2013 09:55

Angelina Aside from his total lack of common sense he is great with the baby - happily changes him, plays with him all the time, loves showing him off to everyone. Is just totally oblivious to things that might kill/hurt him.....

OP posts:
Offred · 30/12/2013 09:56

When you read that sentence back can you see how it means he is not a good father?

Original poster
elsaisnotatiger · 30/12/2013 09:57

How do I get him to be more careful though? I honestly worry about what would happen to the baby if something happened to ME.

OP posts:
BIWI · 30/12/2013 09:58

How does he manage at work? Does he do his job competently? If so, then he can learn to do this new and much more important job well. Be careful he's not just doing the 'hopeless dad' bit so that you end up doing all the child care.

Oh, and no - not all men are like this, at all!

Offred · 30/12/2013 09:58

And from your description it isn't that he's oblivious to it, he is wilfully oblivious because he won't accept he is doing anything wrong putting a baby on the roof of the car in a bumbo seat.

Original poster
elsaisnotatiger · 30/12/2013 09:59

He is very good at his job - but it is a highly brainy type role and he doesn't need to be practical in any way.

But all this is driving me totally mad. His family think I'm the devil because I am always having a go at him. But they don't see this side of him!

OP posts:
Offred · 30/12/2013 10:00

If you've tried and he won't listen I honestly think I would leave and insist on a contact centre/supervised contact and a parenting course if he was going to have contact.

scaevola · 30/12/2013 10:00

No, this is not normal.

Now, thrashing out the differences between two people who have different ideas to tidiness and how promptly to clear is normal. But being neglectful of your DC to the point that they are left in dangerous circumstances is not normal and not on.

It's exceptionally selfish to refuse to make any changes at all. He is perfectly capable of noticing things and dealing with them. He is just choosing not to.

Offred · 30/12/2013 10:01

I mean let's call a spade a spade; being oblivious to things which might kill or seriously injure a baby is quite serious neglect.

inadreamworld · 30/12/2013 10:07

My DH is very very messy. I knew this about him before I married him and accepted it - I tidy up after him all the time.

However the dangerous things with the baby - no this is not normal - you need to tell him how serious this is and he needs to listen. Otherwise you can never leave the baby with him.

BohemianGirl · 30/12/2013 10:10

I have to go and look up 'bumbo' don't I?

Is it a carry cot or detachable car seat? If so, doesn't everyone put it on the roof of the car whilst unlocking it?

Who the hell puts a carry cot on a grubby dog pissed on, spat on, puked on sidewalk whilst unlocking the car?

Oh god it's a giant potty? WTF is that thing for?

But you said it on your OP - he has no common sense. Some people just don't. Same as some people have military precision. But I also pick up from your post that you hover and just wait for fault: When we go away I have to double check that he has remembered all the basics, because if I don't, some vital item will have been forgotten.

Do you never make a mistake? Seriously? Were you born with a complete down load of a parenting manual in your head? Because if you don't ever make a tiny mistake or error of judgement, then you must be Mrs Perfect.

Offred · 30/12/2013 10:14

Of course people put car seats on the pavement rather than the roof because a fall from the roof is way more dangerous than floor germs on the bottom of the car seat...

Bumbos are not car seats though and are known for not being particularly sturdy and for babies falling out all the time. That's why we didn't buy them.

What a strange blamey post from another parent with unusual logical reasoning regarding their child's safety.

Original poster
elsaisnotatiger · 30/12/2013 10:15

Obvs I'm not perfect and I forget things, but I am very careful with the baby and I don't forget things very often and certainly not ALL the time. He packed for a two week winter trip without a single jumper, because it didn't occur to him he might need one....

He put the Bumbo on the roof of the car and proceeded to wander off, cleaning the gutters and things. There is no way he'd have made it back to the car if the baby had wriggled out.

OP posts:
kitsmummy · 30/12/2013 10:15

Bohemian, no I don't think people ever put car seats/carrycots/bumbos on top of a car, it could easily slide off. Better momentarily on a pavement than a roof!

I'm sure the Op does make mistakes, but none so blindingly stupid as the ones her DH is making...

BohemianGirl · 30/12/2013 10:18

I am of the 'babies bounce' brigade and quite a feckless parent really Grin I dare say I was lucky DH was always behind me as I abandoned babies somewhere or another. But I was very good at remembering to pack bags and the kitchen sink for trip[s away though!

my more pressing question is : WTF does one do with a bugabo thing?

Thurlow · 30/12/2013 10:19

Ah, ltb already...

No, it's not a man thing. It is a.person thing, though - some people are more organised and tidy than others, and in most couples there will be a difference. DP puts wet tea towels back in the drawer. Some days I swear I could murder him for it...

He has done a few things which are very silly and you do need to have serious words about (though I'm trying to work out what a bumbo was doing by the car anyway Confused) because he needs to appreciate more how fragile babies are. But he doesn't need supervised contact, ffs.

NinjaBunny · 30/12/2013 10:20

My ex was like this.

Just couldn't do anything.

He'd also continuously smack DSs head against walls/cars/lightfittings because he wasn't being careful.

I left him. It was exactly like having two children and at that time one was enough.

:(

Offred · 30/12/2013 10:22

The op has had serious words though. He doesn't get how he is being neglectful and he has continued putting the baby at risk of harm since. The only option I would see is leaving tbh and insisting on him doing a parenting class and only having supervised contact. He's very very lucky nothing serious has happened so far and if it does potentially the op could face criminal charges as an accessory.

Yes, it is that serious!

Offred · 30/12/2013 10:24

(And it hardly compares with putting wet tea towels in the drawer does it? Putting a baby into a bath that's too hot, leaving a baby in a bumbo on the roof of the car while you do the gutters, letting a baby play with a medicine bottle which have for decades had warnings stating the caps are not child proof)

Swipe left for the next trending thread