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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared it's over - can't face starting again at 30

65 replies

Jasmin83 · 29/12/2013 20:10

Where to start...Well my OH and I have been rowing all weekend and I'm scared we can't get past our issues. We have been together for 10 yrs, married for 3 and everything feels like it's falling apart.

We live 50 miles from family and have hardly any friends which feels very isolating. My OH was made redundant a few years ago was out of work for 6 months. Although he has been in work for two years, it seriously damaged his confidence and is made worse by the fact that I now earn twice his salary. He suffers with OCD and living with him is like walking on egg shells e.g he wont allow any lights on in the kitchen. We moved into a new house last year and he hates it and says he has no emotional connection to it at all.

This weekend he has called me a b*h and a c**t because he doesn't think I listen to him abd he is alway so angry. I feel very confused as I love him but we row over everything. We were supposed to be trying for a baby but cant stop fighting long enough to do anything intimate.

I really want a family and feel like if we break up I will be robbed of the chance of having children. I get on well with his family and I just want to make it work. I really just needed to talk to someone...Thanks for listening

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 29/12/2013 20:13

Ok.

30 is plenty of time. Someone who calls you those names is not loving and cherishing you as he vowed to do.

HissymasJumper · 29/12/2013 20:13

Do not ever, ever, EVER contemplate having a family with this man!

You have enough time to find a good man and have a family, but only if YOU call it quits now and move on.

He will never get better, only worse.

Walk away now.

HoneyandRum · 29/12/2013 20:14

I'm sorry you are in so much turmoil and pain Jasmin but there is no way you should be having a child in these circumstances. Don't let you longing for a child cloud your judgement in this situation. It sounds like you should separate and take things from there.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 29/12/2013 20:15

Does he call anyone else those names?

Does he apologise to you?

colditz · 29/12/2013 20:15

Hey, you have no idea how young thirty is when you're with a good man.

TheGinLushMinion · 29/12/2013 20:16

I'm sorry but this is not a relationship that needs a child at the moment but I think you know that.

Your post reads like you are only staying as you're frightened that he's your only chance at children-this is not a good reason to stay & tolerate the situation.

You are 30 & therefore do have time to start again-please keep this in mind.

HoneyandRum · 29/12/2013 20:16

And at 30 you are very young with plenty of time for a new start.

ImperialBlether · 29/12/2013 20:18

OK for one thing you are still REALLY young.

For another, he is treating you really badly. Awful! Can you not see that? Anyone who calls you names should be avoided. It's not good for anyone's mental health and happiness to live with someone who is abusive.

I'm sorry he was made redundant. I'm sorry he has OCD. However, he is really horrible to you and that has nothing to do with either redundancy or OCD.

Think of the life you could have, with friends and people who boost your self confidence and make you happy about yourself. If you stay with this man much longer you will start to lose your sense of self.

There is a whole world out there where you can be happy. You don't have to walk on eggshells any more.

BonaDrag · 29/12/2013 20:19

I'm really sorry you're going through this, and you may find it odd when I say you're in a great position. You have no Children with this man. So you can walk the fuck away from him. At 30, you have plenty of time to start again.

Take it from someone with personal experience, being called a cunt and a bitch is bad enough. Being called a cunt and a bitch while you try to breastfeed your newborn at 2am is a whole other world.

You're being handed a get out of jail free card. I know it's painful and you're obviously going to feel heartbroken but it will only get worse and you can times that by a thousand if you have a baby with this abusive bully.

bonzo77 · 29/12/2013 20:19

Move on. I was with a total twat at 30. Had been with him for 7 years. One day I walked out. 4 months later I met my now DH, engaged after another 5 months. Married 9 months later and DS1 born 8 months after that. You've got ages to have babies and your husband will be a crappy father. Things will get worse once you have kids.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 29/12/2013 20:22

30 is so young, trust me on that. You still have plenty of time to meet someone decent. I met the love of my life at 32, 2 years after my divorce. Ltb, you can do so much better.

tribpot · 29/12/2013 20:23

You have years yet before you need to be worrying about whether you are too old for starting a family. Years.

Best thing to do, though, is get on with it and lose this tosser. You are decreasing your chances of meeting someone decent by staying with him for sure.

Btw, have you ever heard of any woman's mental health problems being exacerbated by her partner out-earning her? Hmm. No, neither have I. That is a bollocks excuse even if the diagnosis of OCD is real.

divorcedtobe · 29/12/2013 20:35

Please don't stay. At 30 I had all the reasons and more to leave my husband and didn't. Now we are splitting up anyway and there being kids involved makes it so much more painful. You are so young. A friend of one got married last year and is so happy she is 38. Please don't stay with this man. It won't get better. I posted on here 5 years ago and was rightly advised to leave but didn't. And now here I am getting a divorce. If you know in your heart that it is not right. Then you know.

JaceyBee · 29/12/2013 20:43

So what is he doing to treat his OCD? It is totally treatable you know, CBT in particular has a pretty good success rate. It is tough though and he would have to take some responsibility and really engage with it, no-one else can do it for him.

It sounds as though at the moment he'd prefer to take all his problems out on you and drag you down until you feel as shitty as he does. And you really don't have to put up with it.

lotsofcheese · 29/12/2013 20:44

Better to leave him at 30 than 40! Staying with him is stopping you meeting someone better. Don't waste any more time on him.

I left my Ex-H at 30. Met DP 2 years later & have 2 DC.

NotNewButNameChanged · 29/12/2013 21:52

My friend was in your shoes. She left her partner at 30. She is about to turn 37 and is still single. There are no guarantees and yes it is scary.

You SHOULD have time to find someone else but you MAY not. However that would be preferable to staying with this man. And you should certainly not entertain having children with him.

offloadingthisshit · 29/12/2013 22:02

It will only get worse and he will treat you the same way but infront of your future kids who will then learn that this is how males and females interact. I am sure you wouldn't want that for your own kids.

trashcanjunkie · 29/12/2013 22:10

I was single (and had been for several years) with three dc's by two different guys and had cervical cancer and then a hysterectomy at thirty two. At thirty four I had the all clear, and met my dp who is fantastic and the absolute love of my life. It feels so much better to be starting out my grown up relationship at this point in life (I'm now 36) and had I not had my dc's or lost 'the equipment', believe you me we'd be cracking on with babies! You still have plenty of time, and having kids with someone who calls you those names is a recipe for a shit life. Sorry op.

DorrisM · 29/12/2013 22:16

My exH left me at thirty, I thought that all my chances of happiness and children had gone. Within a year I'd met DH and was unexpectedly pg with the first of three. I'm so glad my ex made that decision because we weren't happy and I am now.

Walk.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 29/12/2013 22:30

Good post, NotNew

notthefirstagainstthewall · 29/12/2013 22:44

Three years in and already everyone is advising you to leave? No wonder marriage is dead on it's feet.
He's going through a tough patch.It happens. Life does change.

I'd say leave the marriage if ;
you only got married because you had been together for those seven years beforehand.
you only got married because you wanted children/a house/financial benefits.
it was the easy option.

Otherwise change whatever method you currently use to deal with him. There is NO excuse for calling you a bitch or a cunt. If he genuinely feels that way about you then he should leave and you should help him go. Otherwise tell him to get help and support him with that.

I have many friends on marriage number two or three and TBH it's just a much a waste of time as carrying on in their first marriage.They are always unhappy for a while, then happy but "open" to the idea of a new man and then delighted when they meet the next "one". Inevitably it goes awry after 10 years or so.
I do agree that children are a bad idea at the moment and you have enough time to get out now if that is the main motivation for staying.

Bashingabrickwall · 29/12/2013 22:44

OP, I'm 56. Just broken up with dp of 3 and a half years, was called c*t and b*ch yesterday too! I've walked away with only my dignity, but at least I have that! He will take your dignity if you stay. If you lose that it will be soul destroying and it will take a long time to get it back. I know. I hope to meet someone better when I have had time to heal, though I realise that will take time. You will too, wish I was 30 again! Hope you can find strength to leave. XX

Original poster

Jasmin83 · 29/12/2013 23:41

I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to reply to my post this evening, you have given me lots to think about. I was feeling very alone before I posted my message and I was very grateful for the quick and thoughtful replies. I know the first thing I am going to do is put children out of my head for a little bit until I can be sure I have a safe and secure environment to raise them in.

Thank you for your support and happy new year x

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 29/12/2013 23:42

30 is a spring chicken. Really. You should not have to live with this, and put up with this.

Mrsrochesterscat · 30/12/2013 00:00

Hi Jasmine, is there anythig else going on? Perhaps I have some soul searching to do, but this is not screeming LTB to me. I have called my sister those things before, I would not call our relationship abusive. I do swear when stressed, usually something along the lines of s**t if I drop something (rather than laughing and picking it up again). I wouldn't be happy to hear those things from a DH or DP, but I think initially I would take them as a warning the DH or DP is in dire need of support and given his already fragile mental illness, I would be guiding him towards the GP.

I would stop and think about what you want. Do you want this marriage, if so put in place a list of things that would need to improve, discuss and agree this with DH - he must be willing to work for the marriage, the energy must not come from you.

Being called those names would not be a deal breaker for me. They would be a red flag. But as I said, perhaps I need to reasses my boundaries?

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