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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared it's over - can't face starting again at 30

65 replies

Jasmin83 · 29/12/2013 20:10

Where to start...Well my OH and I have been rowing all weekend and I'm scared we can't get past our issues. We have been together for 10 yrs, married for 3 and everything feels like it's falling apart.

We live 50 miles from family and have hardly any friends which feels very isolating. My OH was made redundant a few years ago was out of work for 6 months. Although he has been in work for two years, it seriously damaged his confidence and is made worse by the fact that I now earn twice his salary. He suffers with OCD and living with him is like walking on egg shells e.g he wont allow any lights on in the kitchen. We moved into a new house last year and he hates it and says he has no emotional connection to it at all.

This weekend he has called me a b*h and a c**t because he doesn't think I listen to him abd he is alway so angry. I feel very confused as I love him but we row over everything. We were supposed to be trying for a baby but cant stop fighting long enough to do anything intimate.

I really want a family and feel like if we break up I will be robbed of the chance of having children. I get on well with his family and I just want to make it work. I really just needed to talk to someone...Thanks for listening Sad

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 30/12/2013 00:19

OP

You walk on eggshells and he calls you abusive names, I know you haven't said how often he's calls you these etc. but I bet this isn't the first time is it?

McFox · 30/12/2013 00:35

You're denying yourself the chance to meet and have children with a good man by staying with your current one. Do not have a family with this one or you'll be miserable for many more years.

I left my nasty ex at 33, met my now DH at 34, and am pregnant at 38. It's all possible!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 30/12/2013 00:35

If a stranger in the street called me a cunt they could be arrested under the Public Order Act.

If a colleague called me a cunt, they'd be disciplined and probably dismissed.

If a 'friend' called me a cunt I would cut them out of my life forever.

If my brother called me a cunt, I would only ever deal with him on a superficial level for the rest of my life.

If my parents My parents would never call me a cunt because they love me.

If a husband called me a cunt that would be the end of our marriage.

Original poster
Jasmin83 · 30/12/2013 00:36

Tinks42 and mrsrochester cat

Unfortunately the name calling is pretty regular, shit stain is another fave. He also smashed my e-reader a few weeks ago. The difficulty is that I have known him for 10 years and things have only been really bad since the redundancy and his ocd worsened. I know he has a good heart or I would have walked by now but recently I have been worried that we can't overcome the issues and I feel worn down. Thanks for listening x

OP posts:
MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 30/12/2013 00:38

Wow.

Shit stain. Really?

Tinks42 · 30/12/2013 00:39

OP, you say things have only been "really bad" since you've been the main breadwinner. So were they not so good before? Probably huh. I hate to say this to you but I feel this will escalate.

BIWI · 30/12/2013 00:39

Welcome to Mumsnet, Jasmin83.

MissBurrows · 30/12/2013 00:42

Oh you're still so young darling, don't worry... 30 is a great age.

You deserve far better.

McFox · 30/12/2013 00:44

My ex graduated from calling me names and smashing up things, to smashing me. It's not a great leap when he is treating you with so little respect. Be careful not to blame domestic violence on illness, it's easy to do this and for it to become a reason to not leave. You need to look after yourself first, not him.

horsetowater · 30/12/2013 00:46

Jasmin your story is very sad. But actually very hopeful. You are 30! You have lots of time ahead of you, women go well into their forties and still have children.

I think you know this isn't going to work, his behaviour is abominable and will not change. It may be that he is behaving like this because he wants to drive you away - for whatever reason - let it happen. Go with the flow. Take a break from this and see what happens.

Let him go as well, tell yourself that he will be fine without you, and you will be fine without him. If your relationship was meant to be, you can always get back together.

Try to disengage with the arguments. Don't respond or react, let it all pass and remember that this is not normal behaviour.

BIWI · 30/12/2013 00:47

By the way, we can swear freely on Mumsnet. You don't need to use asterisks.

horsetowater · 30/12/2013 00:56

OP, proceed with caution, contact Womens Aid, they will be able to talk you through whether they think he is dangerous. I was just thinking this because you said his 'ocd' has got worse, this might actually be an obsessive need to control things and this is what drives abuse - it is about power. If his redundancy had the effect of taking him psychologically back to some past pain of his (eg a fear of disappointing parents) you could have the ingredients for dangerous behaviour.

What is his family history?

katykuns · 30/12/2013 00:57

Please don't stay just because you want children. If he is nasty to you now, it will only get worse, and imagine having to deal with him and the Ocd and lack of financial support with a baby. It will be hell.
Find a man that adores you and will support you. I have a dd from a bad relationship and a dd with my partner now in a healthy relationship. I never knew life could be so happy and the responsibilities shared means its all so much more enjoyable too. x

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 30/12/2013 10:30

Ten years with this man is sufficient, he doesn't want a DW he wants a scapegoat, let him stew and move on. At your age there's time to start afresh.

kilmuir · 30/12/2013 10:37

Is he getting help for his ocd

kilmuir · 30/12/2013 10:38

Think he needs help with mental health issues

AcheyFanny · 30/12/2013 11:30

30 is young! Please leave this man, he's abhorrent.

YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 30/12/2013 11:47

interesting thread.
I think I'd rather be called a bitch than an arsehole (don't ask)
if you have had counselling and you are still in the position you were before it then I think you have a right to leave

PoshPaula · 30/12/2013 11:55

A man who calls his wife names like 'shit stain' and 'cunt' does not have a good heart.

Trust me, I do have experience of being called names regularly by my ex-H ('streak of shit', 'bag of shit' and 'horrible piece of work' were favourites) and it makes me sad and frustrated to think that women out there are still experiencing this. I started all over again when I was older than you and am now happier than I ever thought possible.

mammadiggingdeep · 30/12/2013 11:55

Just heard some wonderful news over Xmas. A very dear friend (who has been mucked about by every man she's been with since 16) is expecting her first baby. Been with dp a year and they've gone for it...she turns 39 in 2014.

You'll not get what you want if you stick in an unhappy situation.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway"...

mammadiggingdeep · 30/12/2013 11:57

Just re read.... 'Shit stain???'

Lovely, don't let anyone call you that. Ltb. Seriously. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 30/12/2013 12:37

If the verbal abuse is escalating and he is "always angry" in spite of the distance I hope you are able to talk to loved ones about this and have a safe place to go to at the drop of a hat. The festive season can very often bring tensions to the surface. Is he drinking, are these outbursts spontaneous or after he has some dutch courage? Does the lack of friends arise from him refusing to socialise or from his moodiness or poor interpersonal skills?

Btw not saying this is happening but remember any aggression is a red flag. You may not associate a shove or "accidental" contact or "clumsiness" with physical abuse but when things get intense, a desire to control can erupt into physical intimidation.

lotsofcheese · 30/12/2013 17:30

OP, I posted up thread but wanted to share my experience with you. I left my ex-h at 29, after only 3 years of marriage. I ended my marriage as he was so difficult to live with (drink & drug problems with mood swings & unacceptable behavior eg pushing me).

I would advise you consider the following:

  • tell him you will not accept the name-calling. And mean it.
  • ask him to visit his GP & discuss OCD
  • counselling - either collectively or individually.
  • perhaps a trial separation to give you some distance.

Think of what you will/won't accept in a relationship. You need to tell him that these are your terms & conditions for continuing the marriage, as you cannot go on the way things are.

Tinks42 · 30/12/2013 17:53

Fab post lotsofcheese. I wouldn't go to councilling with him though I'd go by myself with this type of man. And he is a "type" he's the one that thinks he's king of "his" castle.

lotsofcheese · 30/12/2013 18:13

I guess what I was trying to say is that you must DEMAND change for your marriage to continue & he must DEMONSTRATE it. Insist on it.

If he is willing to consider these, there may be hope for your marriage. If he won't, then he will have made your mind up, as you cannot continue as things are.

Please don't let fear hold you back. Start telling people about his behavior - don't hide it. Build up a circle of friends/hobbies - because you'll need them whether you stay or go. Ensure you have a way of supporting yourself in the future.

When I gave my ex-DH my ultimatum, I hoped he would "man up" & start behaving. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect, so I had no choice but to leave. He wrote me a letter calling me a"fucking arrogant bitch " who "deserved a good kicking". I left him & stopped all contact.

I am so glad I left. You want to know that you've tried your best in a marriage, so throw that gauntlet down.

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