Scared it's over - can't face starting again at 30

[Jasmin83]

Where to start...Well my OH and I have been rowing all weekend and I'm scared we can't get past our issues. We have been together for 10 yrs, married for 3 and everything feels like it's falling apart.

We live 50 miles from family and have hardly any friends which feels very isolating. My OH was made redundant a few years ago was out of work for 6 months. Although he has been in work for two years, it seriously damaged his confidence and is made worse by the fact that I now earn twice his salary. He suffers with OCD and living with him is like walking on egg shells e.g he wont allow any lights on in the kitchen. We moved into a new house last year and he hates it and says he has no emotional connection to it at all.

This weekend he has called me a b*h and a c**t because he doesn't think I listen to him abd he is alway so angry. I feel very confused as I love him but we row over everything. We were supposed to be trying for a baby but cant stop fighting long enough to do anything intimate.

I really want a family and feel like if we break up I will be robbed of the chance of having children. I get on well with his family and I just want to make it work. I really just needed to talk to someone...Thanks for listening

You are only 30.

My sister was older than you when her ex cheated on her.

She left him, licked her wounds in her lovely house then met a thoroughly decent bloke, married him and is super happy.

You have one life, dont waste it on someone who causes you misery.

Be brave.

30 is nothing! Certainly young enough to meet someone else if that's what you want to do.

I'm 39 now, my relationship with XP ended when I was 31. I was desperately unhappy, worn down by years of bullying and emotional abuse - and we had a child together.

Now, life is going well - good job, lovely home, happy DS (touch wood)- I'm single but contentedly so.

Another thing, OCD and Redundancy are stressful and difficult to deal with, but neither is an excuse for the way your H is treating you. He's doing that because he isn't a very nice person.

Thank you lotsofcheese for sharing your experience, it really does help to know I'm not alone. I really want my marriage to work but I can't continue to live with his short temper. I know at the root of his temper is frustration and disappointment that he has not succeeded in his career and he doesn't like where we live as he has no friends. This means we have no separate life outside of work and our marriage. Little things are a nightmare because of his OCD, e.g. he accused me of damaging the sideboard (had two teeny dents) and he said the whole house was turning to ruin because I am careless. The house is a new build and he hates it but its my first home and I love it. Writing this I know it sounds like I'm a fool for staying but I do love him and can't bear the thought that the last 10 years have been pointless. Counselling might help but I don't think I could convince him to go and he has never sought help for his OCD.

What was your relationship like before redundancy? Was he a loving caring husband then, or were there always issues with aggression and name calling etc?

Has he actually been diagnosed with OCD or is this the term he and you use for this behaviour? Things like not 'allowing' the lights on in the kitchen or going completely over the top about minor damage are not OCD as I understand it but more like symptoms of some other, darker, mental health issue.

"I know at the root of his temper is frustration and disappointment that he has not succeeded in his career and he doesn't like where we live as he has no friends" That's one way of looking at it but perhaps it is the other way round: he has not succeeded and is unhappy in life because of his aggressive, messed up nature.

You are wonderfully loyal to him but I think you are ruining your life in the process and sadly you won't be able to save him from himself. You could not possibly bring children into a relationship like this - can you imagine growing up with such a father? Someone who blows up over the tiniest problem? Who makes everything about themselves and their problems? Who refers to someone who loves and cares for them as a 'shit-stain'? No.

Erm, DP has OCD and it would never occur to him to call me names like that, no matter how stressed he is, I think that's a red herring. He is not a nice person, that's where the name-calling is coming from.

And on the subject of DP, I didn't meet him until I was 32, now 38 and he's off upstairs tucking DC1 in and am wondering when I tell him I think I need to POAS!

Has he actually been diagnosed with OCD or is this the term he and you use for this behaviour? Things like not 'allowing' the lights on in the kitchen or going completely over the top about minor damage are not OCD as I understand it but more like symptoms of some other, darker, mental health issue.

^And I would totally agree with this!

I never really considered that his OCD had not been officially diagnosed before. It is a label his family has put on his behaviour as it is obsessive. On our honeymoon we were travelling to a cottage and when we got there he insisted on driving 2 hours back as he was convinced he got flashed by a speed camera and needed to check. Travelling in the car with him is a nightmare as he constantly needs me to confirm he has gone through a green light and that there are no speed cameras and that he has been doing the correct speed. He has never speeded in his life or been given a ticket but he is obsessed and I almost can't breathe with anxiety when in the car as I'm trying to behave in a way that won't distract him.

We also never go to bed at the same time as he has a 45 min teeth brushing routine and the same routine makes me late for work as we travel in together. We can only have intimate relations in the spare room as he doesn't want to ruin our main bed and I have to wash the sheets after which makes spontaneity difficult!

Sorry that all came out at once but I have never spoken to anyone about this.

Thank you to you all for your kind and supportive messages x

Well is certainly sounds as though there is a big compulsive element in there but there is a lot else besides. Whatever the diagnosis I am gobsmacked that you have managed to function under these conditions all this time, it sounds horrendous.

If he was a decent loving person I suppose I could just about understand why you would stay but of course he isn't is he? In fact, in return for your care and understanding he is turning all his anger and frustration on you, calling you filthy names and making even your most intimate moments feel like a dirty business.

Again, I would have to say that you absolutely cannot bring a child into this situation and you cannot waste any more of your own precious life.

Jasmine sweetheart one thing I have learned in life is that you need to have an equal beside you who you know takes care of Buisness. What if you can't? You end to feel sure that your partner will.

That means you need too Ed him solve his problems. Not make out they are not there, or they are about the speed he is driving etc. those OCD behaviors concern me a great deal. He is shifting responsibility onto those things when really it is his emotional burden that is hurting him somehow. He is not owning up to that.

Don't dance to it. Speak it out to his face. Live what you see before you, never pander to someone else's version of reality. You need to think and act as you see. It is dangerous not to.

I suspect you love someone who is hurt. You may not be able to save him. It may be, go down with him or cut loose. You will see this time and again in life. Choose your partner wisely x thirty is nothing x you'll be alright x

Jasmin, that just sounds horrendous. DaveBussell and Something2Say have very wise words for you. I ask you to please look after yourself, because this man is not. You deserve a lot more, and happiness is out there, you just need to give yourself the opportunity to find it.

I am not meaning to offend or upset you, OP, but you are his carer. As so many of the wise posters here have said - for your own sake reclaim your one precious life. His issues and difficulties are not your fault or your responsibility. Bringing a child into this situation would be a disaster, as this man is in no position to look after another human being.

Blimey.

I've changed my stance. Leave.

And for what it's worth if you love/loved him, it won't feel like 10 years wasted. You'll be happy that you met him regardless of the outcome.

The thing is, OP, that just because things aren't working now, it doesn't mean those were wasted years. You had happy times, I'm sure, and you will always have those memories.

If you met someone now who was remarried you wouldn't say to her, "What was the point in your previous marriage? You've wasted all those years", would you? Everything we do adds to our experiences of life. Many, many things that we don't want to continue have had value, often tremendous value.

It seems to me that you are at the end of your tether and nobody could blame you. His OCD and obsessions are ruining your life. He has to get help for it, but you need help, too.

If you met him now, if he was a man from work giving you a lift home from work, you wouldn't think, "Oh I'd love to live with him", would you? You'd feel sorry for the person who had to put up with him.

It's really hard to think that you are allowed happiness, that you deserve better and that a happier life awaits you somewhere else, but all those things are true. Please, look after yourself and start to think of a future where you are free and happy and able to be yourself. You really will look back and wonder what on earth you were doing, wasting your precious life.

op I met my dh after 30, we just had dd (9m) . Absolute love of my life. Seriously had to cut all the bad wood away to make room for some one special.