Feeling down and taken for granted so conducting a social experinment

[soontobeslendergirl]

Just feel that if I didn't do anything then it wouldn't happen. Taken for granted and not appreciated or loved.

So, I decided two days ago that I was no longer going to initiate conversations with my OH. Whenever I do, every response is negative. If he speaks to me or asks anything then I will reply perfectly normally but I'm deliberately not carrying on the conversation.

As a result we must have spoken about 5 words to each other.

Really? How long before he notices do you think?

no idea Joules. :(

I've not gone to the shops or started the dinner, waiting to see if he asks.

Sounds fun - not. Perhaps you need to talk more rather than less.

Absolutely correct but just wonder if it is actually worth it.

Have you initiated a conversation about what's bothering you - "I feel as if you don't love me nor appreciate me, I'm really bothered about that. Can we talk?"

I might at some point Flo, I am just trying to see if he actually notices - it just seems that as long as everything happens as normal round about and he is doing what he likes then he feels that everything is fine.

He isn't a bad man, reasonably helpful when asked, just incredibly selfish I think.

Maybe I just have the post Christmas blues.

Perhaps you both do?

Maybe.

Oh dear doesn't sound good, but I know where you're coming from. My XH used to be very childish and sulk when things didn't go his way. It was always up to me to restart communication even when none of it had been my fault.

Needless to say I eventually had enough. Sorry I'm not really offering you any helpful advice but thought I'd share my experience

Hmm. Why not do this slightly differently, by making a real, huge effort to focus your attention on YOU and not him?

By not doing dinner, not speaking etc, your mind is still all wrapped around him and his responses. Meaning you're counting the words he speaks and feeling really depressed.

Instead of this, do the same thing (I mean, don't initiate anything) BUT get all happy and busy focussing on things you enjoy. Ideas like:
Pull out your favourite book and go and read it in the bedroom,
Take a long bath,
redecorate a room or just a wall,
call a fun chatty friend,
Try out a new recipe without asking his opinion first
Go out for a walk

Etc etc. get busy doing your own thing. He'll notice this faster than just your silently moving around the house like a ghost. Get busy! He'll see you're happily engaged in something more fun than him, and it'll attract his attention more than anything else.

Plus you'll feel happier. At the moment you're treating him like the sun in your sky. Fuck that. Go do something more fun.

I've started giving the same sort of response, in the same tone, to him when he is grumpy.

So far has had a remarkable effect. Surprise, shock, laughter.

Thanks both, he's been out hillwalking for the afternoon, he did ask if we had any plans before he went, he's come home, gone for a shower and set up camp in the livingroom watching the telly. I was hoovering when he came in but it would be unusual if he bothered to say hello.

I've got the kids to get dinner for anyway so can't really opt out.

Think I'll head out to the shops after dinner for a bit.

Hope it all improves soon for you op

How's it going?

Agree with the poster who said enjoying yourself would attract attention quicker. Hope you get something nice at the shops xx

Thanks all, had dinner, went to TK Maxx which shut just as I got there (an hour earlier than advertised) :( so, went to Sainsburys had a bogle about looking for a new hairdryer (i'd asked for one for Christmas but didn't get it) ended up buying milk, bread and stuff for next weeks dinner. Got home, put it away and then heard him asking the boys to ask me if I was coming through to watch something.

We all tend to do our own thing in the evening, but we usually all sit and watch something together for a bit at some point (currently watching episodes of the IT crowd).

So been through watched that and went to sort out supper and can hear that he is watching one of his Christmas Dvds ( series I've not been watching).

So nothing really changed tbh but the fresh air and wander about sainsburys has perked me up a bit.

it sounds very lonely, are you ok?

This is heartbreaking. :( I've been living on my own for 5 years now and had forgotten that relationships can get like this.

You sound so lonely! Do you have no-one else nearby -- friends or family? Do you think it's Christmas that has brought this to your attention when the rest of the year you're busy with (don't know your kids' ages but I'm assuming) school, homework, play dates (?), work, etc? So you've realised that actually, as a companion, your OH is pretty dull?

thanks, yeah, I'm fine. Guess I am just contemplating my future. New Year is coming up and I'm just wondering if maybe we should be calling it a day. We've been together for 19 years, 17 year wedding anniversary coming up. I don't hate him, he is not a bad person, I'm just not sure that I love him either.

We don't fight, but there isn't very much joy or laughter either really - not sure if I am expecting too much.

He once said that no-one is responsible for someone else's happiness which probably sums him up. Whereas I think that doing things to make people happy is showing that you love them.

I thought he founded lonely too, with his hillwalking, but your latest list has made me think that he's the type who just doesn't get "hints". And that you'd have to be standing in front of the TV with your bags packed before he realised you were unhappy!

(I do think many blokes are like that though, to some extent.)

He's right that YOU are responsible for your own happiness, though. You can't put all your happiness eggs into one bastard, to paraphrase Dorothy Parker.

What would make you happy? And how could he directly provide that?

When you met, did he use his initiative to name you happy, or has he always been like this but you were busier and didn't notice?

Sorry for my typos - autocorrect.

Could you be happy if you told him what you wanted and he provided/supported it? Or would you still be sad, because ideally he'd use his own brain to think about making you happy?

Anuvva, yes, we are usually very busy. We both work full time and boys are early High School age. The boys are the joy of my life - I suppose like most married couples with kids, when we do talk it tends to be focussed around them and their future. We have generally always worked well as a team especially when the boys were younger but gradually, it seems that the responsibility for everything seems to rest on my shoulders. I am the major wage earner and I also do the majority of the housework and being around for the kids.

Just a few things, all pretty minor, that have been done or said over the holidays have culminated and are really making me question whether this is the way I want to spend the rest of my life.