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Original poster

Feeling down and taken for granted so conducting a social experinment

51 replies

soontobeslendergirl · 29/12/2013 15:45

Just feel that if I didn't do anything then it wouldn't happen. Taken for granted and not appreciated or loved.

So, I decided two days ago that I was no longer going to initiate conversations with my OH. Whenever I do, every response is negative. If he speaks to me or asks anything then I will reply perfectly normally but I'm deliberately not carrying on the conversation.

As a result we must have spoken about 5 words to each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 29/12/2013 20:44

I do know that it isn't his responsibility to make me happy, but I also think that part of being in a relationship is thinking about the other person and making an effort to please them.

And yes, I guess ideally that I'd like him to actually think about something that would please me of his own accord. he is a clever guy and tells me that he is very sensitive but I'm not seeing that much of that tbh.

OP posts:
koTinkaBell · 29/12/2013 20:48

Christmas and New year aren't the best time to make life changing decisions. this time is too emotive, charged with expectations.

what if you talked properly after the holidays? you could work out what you want to change and find out how he sees the relationship.

I know the feeling of being lonely with the person you love, it's hard.

AnuvvaMuvva · 29/12/2013 20:51

How old is he?

Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 29/12/2013 20:55

koTinka - you are probably right.

Anuvva - he is 52, i'm 47

OP posts:
koTinkaBell · 29/12/2013 21:52

not a huge age gap but you do both sound to be at different points in life.

CailinDana · 29/12/2013 22:49

Have you talked to him about all this?

StickyProblem · 29/12/2013 23:36

So this afternoon he's done a hobby activity, had a shower, and watched his own choice of DVD.
You have hoovered, been food shopping, and made the children's supper, and you both get to watch a shared TV show.
Sounds like he gets the fun and you get the chores - to such an extent that even when you get out to the shops for "fun" you end up food shopping!
I agree with AnuvvaMuvva, do your own fun things without worrying whether he minds.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 30/12/2013 04:18

Y'know what I'd do. Have a lovely long bath, get out and pamper yourself, do yourself up and just go out somewhere. Have a fun night, ring a friend up or something.

That'll get his bloody attention.

Deathwatchbeetle · 30/12/2013 08:01

Don't like the bit where he gets the kids to ask if you want to watch something. Can he not get off his own lazy arse and ask you???? Mind you in a normal relationship people do this too. I guess he is just one of those blokes who is not good at communication and as long as his meals are cooked etc etc then he is happy. To be honest he sounds much older from an era when not much was expected of men apart from earning a wage.

NorksAreMessy · 30/12/2013 08:26

Hello soon. Sorry to hear you are going through this, we are similar ages and I understand the quiet ennui

What do you do yourself to have fun? Do you work in an interesting job, have hobbies, take classes, go to the gym? It is not your DHs responsibility to make your life fun and interesting, that is up to you.
You are at a good age to make the changes. DC rely on you slightly less, hopefully you are financially more settled, you know who your are as a person.
You cannot change someone else, but you can change yourself and make yourself happier and more content.

Good luck

lifeissweet · 30/12/2013 08:42

Where I agree that it's not down to the OP's husband to make her happy, I don't necessarily think it's unreasonable for her to demand more from her relationship either! It's all very well getting interesting hobbies and taking care of yourself, but the end result of that will still be living with a man who makes no effort to cherish you or make you feel wanted - and that is up to him to fix, not the OP.

myotherusernameisbetter · 28/07/2014 16:30

I've just been re-reading this - I am the OP - things haven't changed too much - we have muddled along and there are times when I think things are better and then again not. Things came to a bit of a head when we came back from holiday but I still have no idea why. Upshot of that was that he told me he is depressed. I asked what he was going to do about it and he said he didn't know but that going to the doctors wouldn't solve anything. I walked away from him then as there is really no answer to that. Making everyone upset (and making me feel that it is all my fault) and then basically saying that you aren't going to do anything to help yourself for me was basically saying it's all over as far as I am concerned. Rather than diving straight in with that, I let him mull things over himself for a week or so. Anyway he has made an appointment with the GP for later this week and hasn't and isn't intending to, go into work this week.

As he had been picking the DC up from Holiday Care, that now gives me another job to do......and he's just phoned and said there isn't much in for dinner but clearly feels he can't go out.

He's been to the Drs about other stuff before (he has allergies etc that I am now wondering are not necessarily physical) and he has not bothered to get the prescription filled. I suspect he may be the same with this. I will wait and see what happens, if he is genuinely willing to address his issues then I will support him all the way, if he doesn't then I think it will be all over.

i am not saying I am perfect btw, I know I could make more effort to show affection but that doesn't come natural and besides it is even harder when you feel like this. I am also thinking that if I make too much effort before the appointment, he may cancel it :(

I am getting fed up of blaming myself and feeling guilty. he has a bit of a bee in his bonnet at the moment as I got a parking ticket (not my fault and have appealed) the car is in his name (again, I didn't ask for this, my previous car was and garage have just assumed and I didn't notice) so looks like he has a ticket. Clearly I have commited the crime of the century. Given that a, I earn the most b, I save us money all the time with vouchers etc and c, he has wasted more than that in bank charges and got also caught speeding once - I really don't see why he is so focused on this and made me feel really shit over it. And also, maybe if he'd bothered to take our son to his opticians appointment and for shoes then I wouldn't have been in the sodding car park in the first place. Ditto at the weekend, we drop in to the supermarket on the way home from a visit as it's late and we need a quick dinner. No-one else wants to come in, no-one has any idea what they want. I bought him a Curry that he isn't keen on and find my self apologising - then I think well, you could have actually told me what you wanted or come in the shop!

I think I am starting to grow a pair - that's maybe why he has made the appointment....

Sorry this is so long :)

TillyWithercoat · 28/07/2014 16:40

Life doesn't sound like too much fun in your house.

My teenage son behaves like this.

myotherusernameisbetter · 28/07/2014 16:44

Tilly - it's rotten isn't it?

At least there is some hope that your son will grow up and change.

My boys are away for the week from this weekend so hopefully we can clear the air a bit as Drs appointment will have passed too.

DontVexMeYeah · 28/07/2014 18:45

Oh poor you, this sounds really hard. Fwiw, I think you are doing all the right things by standing up for yourself a bit more, by not cajoling him into going to the drs, etc. I hope you are spending more time doing things you enjoy and less of the housework. He has to want to help himself in order to get better.

Thanks for you.

tribpot · 28/07/2014 18:51

So he's self-diagnosed with depression and now can't go to work or pick up the kids from childcare or cook dinner? Seems overly convenient.

myotherusernameisbetter · 28/07/2014 18:56

he could cook dinner but didn't want to go out as he is still self certified off work and didn't want to caught at the shops when he is supposed to be "sick".

He said today that he thinks we need to go for counselling as a couple. I'm not against that but there is no point if he isn't doing something about his depression.

He has self diagnosed so far but is qualified as a mental health nurse ironically so guess he does have some clue.

BelleOfTheBorstal · 28/07/2014 19:00

He has depression?
Quite frankly, I am amazed that you don't, as a consequence of his benign neglect.
And getting shirty with you about the parking ticket, is not on. These things happen and it sounds like he hardly contributes anything, from what I have just read.
Perhaps, if you can be asked, considering his lack of contributing, you could try relationship counselling?
but I would bet money on him not being interested in going

myotherusernameisbetter · 28/07/2014 19:02

Thank you - still not taking a lot of time for myself, but probably spending too much time on the internet on my own. As I say, I am not blameless either but considering I have just gone through menopause, I'm not particularly moody and try to maintain pleasantries and don't really ask for a lot out of a relationship. A bit of kindness and care and I'm happy as Larry :) When we were away on holiday he walked past and stroked my head - it was so unexpected and caring, I am actually crying thinking about it :(

BelleOfTheBorstal · 28/07/2014 19:02

Oh ok, cross post Blush
Would you consider it, if he did do something in regards to his depression?

BelleOfTheBorstal · 28/07/2014 19:04

A marriage counsellor would be a good way of educating him, in regards to random acts of niceness, such as you experienced on holiday.

myotherusernameisbetter · 28/07/2014 19:13

yes I would consider it as long as he makes an effort re the depression. when he mentioned it, i did say is that your way of saying its my fault then and he said he didn't mean that but that it wasn't all about him either.

BelleOfTheBorstal · 28/07/2014 19:30

So, as a starting point, tell him that counselling will be something you are willing to engage in, when you are convinced that he is doing something about his depression?
I think if you are interested in keeping your marriage together, then counselling as a couple would be a good idea.
If you do do it though, make an effort (or tell him he has to) to find a decent counsellor, which is likely to cost more.

myotherusernameisbetter · 28/07/2014 19:31

In real life I am a very private person so i'm not sure how I would cope with the couple counselling to be honest - but I am not completely sure I want to let my marriage go or continue with how things are now.

BelleOfTheBorstal · 28/07/2014 20:42

If you had a medical issue, you wouldn't hesitate to tell a dr would you?
A properly trained and certified counsellor is just as much a professional as a doctor.
Alternatively, you can get relationship courses online, that you can use together.

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