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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Settling.

63 replies

Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 20:56

I feel like I'm settling. I'm always wishing he did this or that or was more ...

It's hard. He's not a bad person. Just not 'the one' I don't think? There isn't that Real Love between us, it's more a friendship with some sex now and then.

I watch other couples and stuff on tv and I feel like I'm really missing out on something. I'm only 28 with a 13month old.

Rambling. Any other people feel like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 20:57

I saw a couple on the train the other day and the guy was so in love with his gf/wife. Staring into her eyes, touching her, pulling her close, kissing. I felt like crying. I feel like I'm aching for that.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 28/12/2013 21:00

Do you initiate the kind of loving you want? Or do you expect him to do all of the running?

I remember at one point i felt like that, and told my partner(at the time) -his response was "well you never do it!" I couldnt argue with him.

Tinkertaylor1 · 28/12/2013 21:02

Get out now , seriously don't settle . How can you meet the guy that totally rocks your boat if your with some one that will do ?

I would have never chosen dh but after a few dates I was smitten, we hold hands, cuddle, snuggle ect... I never did that with any of my other exs.

You will find some one.

Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:02

I do, I'm affectionate, I'm thoughtful - do stuff for him sometimes, cook his favourite meal, suggest outings, initiate sex.

He really isn't demonstrative until I say something explicitly, which I don't really anymore as it felt forced :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:03

Tinker - we do snuggle, hold hands etc but it doesn't feel real,it's so hard to describe

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 28/12/2013 21:04

Well then as tinkertaylor says - dont settle with someone that will do.

You deserve to love and be loved

Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:09

:)

I know what's going to happen. It isn't bad enough to leave and be a single mother - he supports us. I want ds to be happy, it would be selfish to leave and split him from his dad just so I can be more satisfied

OP posts:
Thegrinchishere · 28/12/2013 21:11

If it doesn't feel right, it isn't ! I stuck it out with some one for four years. It was an epic fail. I dreamed of me bring happy in a nice home ect but it was all in my head. He tried to play along too.

When I met dh, I knew by the third date he was the one. He was my new shiny pair of six inch killer heels but after a while he is my memory foam sheep skin slippers. If I could climb in side dh I would wear him like a 6.3 coat!

That's what you need to be feeling AND you will if you give your self chance!!!!!

wontletmesignin · 28/12/2013 21:12

It wouldnt be selfish at all. Your ds wil want his mother to be happy. If thay means without his dad, then so be it.

Thegrinchishere · 28/12/2013 21:13

How long have you been with him how old is dc?

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 28/12/2013 21:14

grinch You like your clothes, don't you?! Grin BTW, what is a 6.3 coat?

Thegrinchishere · 28/12/2013 21:14

I think it changes the situation slightly if dc is the ops partners son though

Tillyscoutsmum · 28/12/2013 21:15

Yes. I know exactly how you feel Hmm
I've known for years. Our relationship has deteriorated to two people living in the same house and co parenting.
I'm finally getting out. It's scary. I'm almost 40. The dc's are still young. I'm a SAHM and both mine and their standard of living will be significantly reduced but I can't keep compromising for any longer Confused

Thegrinchishere · 28/12/2013 21:16

The 6,3 coat would be dh shell , like a skinned bears hide. Is that weird ! Xmas Grin

Thegrinchishere · 28/12/2013 21:19

tilly op is that all that is wrong in relationship ? Is there any other reason to want to go other than you don't love them any more.

Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:21

Sorry Tilly stick around to chat. What was the final straw that made you decide to end it?

I love the coat analogy Xmas Grin

Ds is his, 13months. Been together 5 years. So many times I could've moved on. Instead I pushes to move in together and have a baby Hmm

My self esteem was very low, I was happy to be with anyone who would have me after v abusive childhood.
Only now I'm getting older, I've realised what's important to me and what I need. Too late now

OP posts:
Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:22

I love him but don't feel in love? I would miss him if we split and it scares me when we've talked about it. Maybe there is hope, I don't know.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 28/12/2013 21:24

Ahh but do you miss him out of habit - or because you are in love with him. You are bound to love him. But loving and being in love...

When did you start feeling this way?

Thegrinchishere · 28/12/2013 21:25

Have you thought about a break? Maybe you have issues with allowing yourself to be happy.

How does he feel about you?

Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:27

I would love to know what he really thinks but I'm too scared to ask. We argued recently and I was crying, he came in to the bedroom and said 'well, it's obvious we aren't going to be together forever so let's just end it' so I guess he feels the same.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 28/12/2013 21:28

Ask him why he said that. Either he feels you distancing yourself, or he does feel the same way.

Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:28

I've been thinking of a break for a while. Maybe it would help to live apart. We are together a lot and that probably doesn't help as we never get a chance to miss each other. That, on top of sleep deprivation probably doesn't lead to much romance.

I've felt like this since pregnancy I guess but its always been there

OP posts:
Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:29

I'm too scared too wont :(

OP posts:
Thegrinchishere · 28/12/2013 21:29

Only asked about the allowing to be happy op as you mentioned the abusive childhood as I had a very destructive nature when I was younger to this

wontletmesignin · 28/12/2013 21:29

This happened to me during pregnancy. I ended it and have regretted it ever since. This was 5 years ago now.

Not saying it is the same -but maybe worth thinking about

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