Settling.

[Settlingforless]

I feel like I'm settling. I'm always wishing he did this or that or was more ...

It's hard. He's not a bad person. Just not 'the one' I don't think? There isn't that Real Love between us, it's more a friendship with some sex now and then.

I watch other couples and stuff on tv and I feel like I'm really missing out on something. I'm only 28 with a 13month old.

Rambling. Any other people feel like this

He seems content as long as he's given time alone to play video games with his friends (he's 32). He's happy to have sex every couple of weeks - I would have it everyday if I could as I think we get on better when we do it more often.

He likes it when I'm affection but doesn't expect it.

No, he doesn't love me passionately, that's the whole problem :(

What does loving passionately actually mean?

I think you sound a bit immature in your views with regards to relationships. I know a lot of couples with children. I can't think of a single couple which I would describe as passionate but they mostly seem happy.

I think you should split up. He also deserves to be with someone who loves him passionately rather someone who finds him merely good enough to settle for.

Settling and Tilly- my situation is very similar to both of yours. I settled with my really great but not v emotionally open DH partly because I was getting older, was tired of the dating scene and we got on v well.

I now feel hemmed in and sad. I'm treading water until the kids are older. My life with DH is a good one, but without the love and real intimacy I think relationships should have. I'm not asking for passion 6 years in. But real connection, affection and positive feelings about a future together are something I think it's reasonable to want.

I feel like I've made this bed so feel like I might have to lie in it for a while (for the kids and because I simply can't afford to leave). I feel guilty on kids' behalf- and possibly his, though I think his feelings about our relationship may be similar.

But, Settling -for what it's worth, I do sometimes think I should have left after DD1 or not had DD2 until I was more confident about the relationship. You're still young and have time to meet someone with whom you have a more satisfying relationship and have a child with them if you want. Though I probably shouldn't say that though given that I haven't done it myself!

Tilly- how are you going to manage financially, practically etc? Well done for making a brave decision.

anon75

Sorry you're in a similar situation

In terms of logistics and finances, H and I are in the process of renting a one bed flat locally. The dc's will remain in the family home. When I'm with them, I will be in the home and H will be at the flat. On the days and weekends he has them, he will stay at home with them and I will go to the flat.

It's a slightly unusual solution, but it gives the dc's chance to get used to us being separated without much change to their day to day lives. It gives me chance to get my career back on track once my youngest starts school in September. Once I'm sorted, H will give me my share of the equity from the family home and dc's and I will buy a new home.

I settled and I shouldn't have.

The man I married was my first proper boyfriend. We got together when I was 21 and married when I was 26. In retrospect, I only really pursued the relationship because I was flattered and because I was convinced that I would never meet anyone else who wanted to marry me. We seemed to want the same things out of life and although I knew I wasn't 'in love' with him, I thought we had as good a chance as anyone of making it work.

He adored me initially. He was always telling me that I was the love of his life. Gradually though, I think he came to realise that I didn't love him. And then things started to go badly downhill. I think he may have been punishing me? I gave up work to look after our DCs and was therefore financially dependant on him. He gradually became more and more controlling and abusive (both physically and emotionally) until I left last year.

I'm not letting him off the hook for the abuse at all-he was vile and I can't ever forgive that. But at the same time, I made a very bad mistake when I decided to settle. It was unfair on both of us.

Thanks, Tilly - that sounds sensible and it's really helpful to hear how others have managed it.

I guess it's just hard to know when it's time to cut your losses isn't it? Especially when there's no abuse, cheating or other bad behaviour etc

"It's not bad enough to leave and become a single mpther"

Becoming a single mother was the making of me.

Read "a woman in your own right".

You have the right to make a mistake ( so learn from it and forgive yourself)
You have the right to change your mind (so dont berate yourself for becoming more aware as you get older)

Wasn't sure whether to join this thread, but what the hell!

The view from the other side - I.e. my DW I think "settled" with me, and has begun to realise her mistake. I've known for some time that things aren't right but couldn't put my finger on what, our marriage lacks passion. Love is there, but I'm not sure what type of love. I imagine things will continue until one of us plucks up the courage to leave, or has an affair and forces the issue. Problem is, I love her too much. I think more than she loves me.

Anyway, I digress. I just wanted to let the OP know that if she opens her heart to her DH and explains her feelings, he may not be entirely surprised and indeed he may even be waiting for her to start the ball rolling. I've made enquiries into what may happen if DW says something to me, I think she and DCs will be able to stay in the family home and I'll be able to afford a room in a shared house somewhere not too far away. I've looked into flexible working (I'm FT and DW is SAHM) so I can still see DCs as much as possible. DW has local friends and family for support that I cannot provide (emotional and practical).

I haven't gone down the route of seeing a solicitor/visiting CAB or anything like that, but if an amicable split was on the cards then I know it's something that is achievable (bar emotional breakdown of course!).

Hopefully that gives you some reassurance that things may not work out as badly as you fear they may. We all deserve to be happy.

"I saw a couple on the train the other day and the guy was so in love with his gf/wife. Staring into her eyes, touching her, pulling her close, kissing"

This means nothing. They could be a couple who had just met and were still in lust, or it could have been a public show. Often the happiest marriages are the ones where the shows of affection are behind closed doors.

If you are unhappy, don't settle, but don't judge happiness by something as artificial as a PDA. Life isn't like that. Often the couples who show off the most in public are the least happy.

I agree worsestershire. My Dad (now 70!) has always said there's something wrong in a relationship that "requires" public shows of affection. He adores my Mum and they are very affectionate and caring but he says to do it publically is like marking your territory!

OTOH the couple on the train would have been having an affair and have nowhere private to go!

You really can't tell anything fro the shows people put on in public and it's dangerous to aspire to be like them IMO.

Too many people get hung up on the idea that the 'perfect' romantic couple-relationship is the most important thing in the world. It's not. This isn't to say that people should continue living with a partner who isn't very nice: who is lazy, selfish, obnoxious or cruel, for instance - but it's OK to live with someone who is pleasant and a good co-parent even though neither of you feels intense romantic love for the other.

Hey there. Just wondering how op is doing. solid has my opinion. For 15 years I had adoration. I was on a pedestal, but blown hot and cold. I had the whole 'there is no one but us' stuff, eye staring, deep and meaningful, 'you really are my soulmate' the whole lot. So much so that I was addicted to it, there would never be anyone else. It was intense. He was my world to the exclusion of all others as I needed and wanted no one else. I thought I was the same to him, but he not only made me feel this way but many other OW during the course of our marriage. I thought I was clever, but I was astounded at how much of a ride I'd been taken on. I didn't believe for one second he was capable of that.

My now DH is moderate, sensible, reliable. I don't and never have had butterflies. We don't stare into each others eyes, or confess undying love every five minutes. Sex is a lovely comfortable 'd'ya fancy a quickie?' Rather than tearing each others clothes off. And its not every five minutes, more like once a fortnight! I appreciate the stability and the support, and our love has grown and grown. I spend a lot of time appreciating his good points. I'm proud of what a brilliant parent I am married to and what a good example they will have. I'm also aware that he doesn't gush his heart out, but if someone harmed me he would defend me to the end. I'd be lost without him, in a totally different but much healthier way than my ex.