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Original poster

Settling.

63 replies

Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 20:56

I feel like I'm settling. I'm always wishing he did this or that or was more ...

It's hard. He's not a bad person. Just not 'the one' I don't think? There isn't that Real Love between us, it's more a friendship with some sex now and then.

I watch other couples and stuff on tv and I feel like I'm really missing out on something. I'm only 28 with a 13month old.

Rambling. Any other people feel like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:29

I feel so desperately sad for ds above everything. That his parents aren't really loved up. I want him to see us happy together

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Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:30

Why do you regret it ? Do you think it's hormone related?

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hazchem · 28/12/2013 21:31

I'd be careful about thinking that what you see on TV or from other couples is how you imagine it to be.

The couples on TV are fiction, they are a writers ideal. Nobody is living that life.
The train couple is just a moment in time that you have seen. You don;t know how their relationship is. They might see each other once every six weeks, they could be just starting out.

If you compare your actual relationship to how you are viewing these idealized ones then your relationship won't be so sparkling and romantic because it features dirty socks, shitty nappies, bad breath, farts, overcooked weird food, tuna on hot toast, and arguments. Your relationships should still have love and affection, lust even but it might have all the crappy things. I too feel like I have settled but I'm really happy with that. Yes I love him but it's not some deep love story that echo through the ages on a tele movie. It's love and compassion, honest and support. It requires work from both of us to nurture and make our relationship grow.

That being said. Don't stay if you are unhappy.

Tillyscoutsmum · 28/12/2013 21:32

I'm not sure there was a final straw as such. I recall a moment of clarity on New Year's Eve two years ago where I knew I didn't love him or fancy in the way I should. And never would. And probably never had Hmm

He's a good man. He's a decent dad. He provides well financially. He does more than his fair share in terms of childcare/housework etc. But I don't fancy him. At all. I don't enjoy spending time with him. I love it when he's out or away. We plod on. Are civil, even friendly sometimes. I care about him and wish him no harm. But the thought of this being "it" for the next 40+ years fills me with horror. I thought I'd wait until the dc's are grown up but I don't want to be starting again in my late 50's. I don't want to waste my life. I don't want my children growing up and not witnessing a proper loving, affectionate relationship Hmm I know I'm being selfish but ultimately, I do think it's the best thing for all of us.

Thegrinchishere · 28/12/2013 21:32

Talk to each other. My dh is way better at talking than me.

I left my dh waaaaay back as we were going through a rough patch and he let me go! I cried my eyes out at my dgm when I realised what I'd lost. He picked me up the next day.

Talk to him

brokenhearted55a · 28/12/2013 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:34

Great post hazchem and that is the other side of my thinking which is why I feel so confused.

Surely if it was right, I wouldn't feel like this though. I think I have unrealistic ideals - definitely. How do I get rid of them

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SolidGoldBrass · 28/12/2013 21:36

The most important thing to consider is that being in a couple-relationship is not compulsory. It's fine to be single. Don't 'settle' for a partner who is lazy, selfish, unkind, dishonest, drug-addicted or whatever just to be in a relationship.

If your current partner is a basically nice man (pleasant company, does his share of domestic work, polite to everyone, etc) but a bit boring, think about why you decided to live with him and (if your DC was planned) have a baby with him. Was there a point at which you loved him very much and wanted to be with him or was it a case of wanting to 'settle down' and him being available and an acceptable partner? If he's a nice man but you just don't feel comfortable with him then it's fine to separate - just do so as kindly and fairly as you can.

If you'd got stuck on this idea that 'real love' is all passionate declarations and rampant sex all the time and never worrying about whose turn it is to put the bin out, then you might be deluding yourself a bit. Do bear in mind that the couple you saw on the train, with him slobbering all over her, might have been in an abusive, toxic relationship or indeed an adulterous one.

Thegrinchishere · 28/12/2013 21:38

Is it past working on?

Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:39

I can understand that Tilly and I hope you find someone lovely :) I do fancy him sometimes when he dresses nice or on certain days, when he's out I'm waiting for him to come back.

He is very repressed and doesn't really talk about feelings too much unless pushed. Sexually, he's quite prudish and won't initiate unless he's gagging. I never feel like we're connecting in bed - no eye contact, just shagging.

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Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:41

or was it a case of wanting to 'settle down' and him being available and an acceptable partner?

This, pretty much. I was just happy to be with someone and felt broody, I knew he would be a great dad too.

I know I need to stop comparing, it's so hard not to when you feel like you're missing out on someone who really adores you

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Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:42

There were arguments during my pregnancy/labour that hurt my feelings and think damaged my feelings for him

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Tillyscoutsmum · 28/12/2013 21:51

Settling - in hindsight, my reasons for getting with DH were similar. It sounds bad now but I was 30, suddenly very broody and with someone who didn't want children. DH was "there". A work colleague. A decent bloke. A good dad. There was never any real passion Hmm Awful. For him as well. He has no idea what he's done wrong and, understandably, feels "used" Confused

Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 21:55

Sorry to hear that, seems like you've made the right choice, for all of you

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Tillyscoutsmum · 28/12/2013 22:01

Hope so Confused

Would your DH consider couples counselling? It sounds like you may have something to work with?? If nothing else, it might help clarify things for both of you...

Original poster
Settlingforless · 28/12/2013 22:04

We've been going for over a year, it helped us communicate better, that was all probably

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nevergoogle · 28/12/2013 22:08

For me DH was/is 'the one'. there was passion, incredible sex and whirlwind love after a long friendship. He is 'the one' but I still look at him sometimes (quite often) and think, oh fuck off. I didn't settle, but maybe it all boils down to the same thing in the end.

A friend of mine is getting married next year and she confided that she is not attracted to him as such. I don't know what advice to give her tbh.

olathelawyer05 · 28/12/2013 22:34

Actually, it would be more selfish of you to STAY with him under the circumstances as you describe them. How do you think he would feel if he knew you were 'settling' for him just because he 'supports' you. If I were him, I'd think that attitude was pretty sinister (ie. She's only keeping me around cus its practical, and until she finds something better).

hazchem · 28/12/2013 23:16

When I get the unrealistic ideas I try to focus back into our relationship. So the things that we like doing or are good at together. For us that is driving in the car chatting or walking and chatting. Also I try to find things to do that are a bit like a date but the toddler can come too. So we have found a restaurant that has a playroom attached to it. We can have lunch/coffee and just be ourselves as adult not parents.

Have you had time to heal over those arguments? It's a long time to still be hurting? Are you able to talk to him about your feelings?

Tryharder · 28/12/2013 23:29

I think you need to think long and hard about this before ruining your DP's life, unsettling your child and possibly doing something you'll live to regret.

Real love isn't about snogging on trains and looking into each other's eyes. That's stuff you do after a few weeks together when it's all new and romantic.

Real love is about having and raising children together, shared loyalty, friendship as well as sex, living life together through rough and smooth. You have a very young child which is a strain itself on most marriages.

I think you and your DH need to talk and ask each other how you can get through this.

Not all men are demonstrative though so don't confuse loveydoveyness with love. The most romantic and 'loving' man I ever knew turned out to be a lying cheat.

wontletmesignin · 29/12/2013 03:28

I regret it because i didnt realise he was the one that was for me.
It wasnt until a year later thatbit dawned on me. Obvioulsly before hand too, but was too stubborn to admit it. I fought it and moved on. Well, tried.

He was all i could think about for a long time. Especially when my next partner came along. I thought it was just because i was in another relationship. Only those feelings didnt fade.

Now we are getting closer - i feel like im finally finding myself again

SolidGoldBrass · 29/12/2013 11:10

Don't get too hung up on this 'soulmates' shit. All-comsuming romance is really for people who have very boring lives. If you think you would be happier alone then it's probably time to walk, but if what you are hankering for is a different man, then you won't be happier: you can only make yourself happy and complete yourself. A satisfactory romantic relationship is a nice addition to life but it certainly isn't essential - and clinging to a rubbish one so as not to be alone is a terrible waste of time and effort.

Original poster
Settlingforless · 29/12/2013 11:31

You're right sgb

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Original poster
Settlingforless · 29/12/2013 11:32

Thank you for replies, a lot to think about. I'm definitely not staying for financial reasons, I said a plus point is he supports me and his son (I also work and contribute).

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SolidGoldBrass · 29/12/2013 14:20

Another thing to consider - does he love you passionately? Does he expect adoration from you? Or is he content with an amicable parenting partnership? Importantly, are both of you content with the sexual relationship you have or is one of you gagging for more and the other enduring occasional bouts of it with gritted teeth or weary resignation?
Men are certainly less conditioned to make a big deal out of love and romance, and often more content (and expected to be so) with a family life that's free of hostility if not wildly exciting.