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Original poster

Erm... I pointed out to dh how fat he has become, and now he won't speak to me.

59 replies

clumsymum · 22/07/2006 18:42

We went to a BBQ yesterday for ds's beaver pack. DH was saying that one bloke there was really overweight. I pointed out that actually that bloke was about the same build as dh, not realising that dh seems to have no idea how he looks. He knows he's overweight, and has started trying to loose a bit of weight, but now he's got really offended with me and gone all distant (really upsetting since he's only home at weekends anyway).

I didn't mean it as outright critisism (honestly just an observation), I had no idea until after it was said that he was soooo unaware of his shape.

I have apologised, but I can't unsay it. How can I resolve this?

OP posts:
moreteaanyone · 22/07/2006 18:45

He'll come round eventually. You could spend ages telling him all the things you are probably already telling him like 'I love you' , 'You've been trying really hard and doing well' but TBH I think he'll come round on his own.

You haven't said anything untrue and probably he's more upset at himself than you.

Socci · 22/07/2006 18:46

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NotQuiteCockney · 22/07/2006 18:58

Some people really do seem to not realise what their body looks like. He probably needs to think it through.

Ugh, any chance he thinks you're wrong?

SoupDragon · 22/07/2006 19:09

How would you feel if he'd said something similar to you? That's not a criticism but just think about it and I think you'll see why he's gone distant. He knows he's over weight but has convinced himself that he looks Ok and thinner than the other man.

It came as a shock to him no doubt. Like NQC says, he probably needs to think it through.

Original poster
clumsymum · 22/07/2006 19:13

Well yes, I can understand why he's gone all distant, but
a) I hadn't realised he was soo unaware of his shape
b)It explains why his effort at slimming has been a bit half-hearted.

TBH I've tried not to nag him, with us only being together at weekends but maybe this will actually help.

OP posts:
moondog · 22/07/2006 19:21

Tell him you will find him much more shaggable sans a few pounds (even though he is gorgeous now obviously..)

FioFio · 22/07/2006 19:24

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ginmummy · 22/07/2006 19:24

Even though your dh is only home at weekends how about suggesting practical things you could do together, like adopting healthier eating habits, or taking a walk in the park after lunch or something. Far more constructive than just saying 'you're a fat barsteward just like that porker over there, and I don't fancy you any more'.

Methinks you hit a raw nerve, and if he's feeling down and sensitive about his weight anyway then you need to tread very carefully.

WigWamBam · 22/07/2006 19:28

He's probably all too aware of his shape but finding it hard to do anything about it - and comments like the one you made always come across as criticism, no matter how kindly you meant them.

I'm very overweight, I have been all the while dh and I have been together, but if he were to tell me that I was it would still be hurtful because it's such a negative, unconstructive statement (even if it's true!), and I'd hate to think that he was thinking negatively about me. He's supposed to love me however large I am, and being told I'm fat just wouldn't seem a very loving thing to say - even if it was meant in a loving way. Dh is large too, but I wouldn't dream of pointing it out to him - he already knows! And so does your dh, if he's honest with himself. Maybe you will have given him enough of a shock to realise that he has to make more of an effort to lose the weight if it's going to shift.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/07/2006 19:30

Hmm, but WWB, would you describe another woman, to your DH as "really overweight" unless she was an order of magnitude bigger than you?

FioFio · 22/07/2006 19:31

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soapbox · 22/07/2006 19:35

How is your relationship overall?

I only ask, as I find myself much more likely to make tactless, hurtful comments when I'm pissed off with other things. Addressing those things often make me feel more likely to cherish the other person IYSWIM.

I'm overweight too, and struggle (usually unsuccessfully) to keep it under control. I'd really hate to feel that my DH's love was conditional on me being a particular size and weight. In fact I'd like to think it had damned all to do with how I look at all, and more to do with the kind of person I am!

FioFio · 22/07/2006 19:36

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Original poster
clumsymum · 22/07/2006 19:38

But I DO love him, (and would find him EVEN more sh*ggable if he were thinner).

I never said he was a fat barsteward, just he was wittering on about this other bloke, quietly wondering how that bloke got like that, how his kids must think he's fat etc.

So I said sotto voce "actually darling, he's about the same build as you".

DH said "never", and I said " I'm sorry love, but he is."

I'm not a totally heartless bitch you know. I told him later how much I love him.

And anyway, there is a reason that dh wouldn't tell me what he weighs for the last 18 months.

OP posts:
soapbox · 22/07/2006 19:38

LOL FF

I once read a quote on relationships which said something like 'loving someone is not about always trying to be kind, but more about always trying not to be unkind'!

This kind of fits into the latter really!

WideWebWitch · 22/07/2006 19:43

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear but I'd be absolutely gutted if dh said something like this to me. No advice though, apart from tell him you love him.

WigWamBam · 22/07/2006 19:44

NQC - no, I wouldn't.

But I'm not a man.

Dior · 22/07/2006 19:46

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moondog · 22/07/2006 19:54

How can people be pissed off if told something that was true??
If dh said that to me,would take drastic action.
If your dh/w can't be honest,who can??

FioFio · 22/07/2006 19:55

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Dior · 22/07/2006 19:55

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Original poster
clumsymum · 22/07/2006 20:14

So I should just have let him carry on badmouthing this guy for being fat, and not pointed it out?

OP posts:
SminkoPinko · 22/07/2006 20:16

Oh dear, clumsymum. Observations like this are inevitably disastrous. Agree with soapbox, fio, dior and www. Tell him you were lying to try and shock him into keeping going with his weight loss programme (for health not looks reasons) but thought he knew you were joking because clearly he is nowhere near the size of that man. You never dreamed he'd take it seriously because they are so different in shape. Reach into the bit of you that loves him the most and tell him really seriously and genuinely that you love him and think he's gorgeous and sexy. (Really mean it though or you will make things 100% worse. If you wouldn't be able to say this honestly maybe you guys should book a relate appointment or think about ways to improve your relationship?)

NotQuiteCockney · 22/07/2006 20:26

Oh, no, don't lie to your DH about his weight! How would that help?

I'd apologise for hurting his feelings, make clear you didn't mean anything bad about it, but lying is really really unwise, surely?

SminkoPinko · 22/07/2006 20:28

I would definitely lie in a situation like this if there was any chance of being believed.

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